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Stewie can do better.

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Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628718752,07830 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

The next day.

Stewie can do better.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Family Guy belongs to some other Guy. Seth MacFarlane and Fox Broadcasting Company. BTVS belongs to Joss Whedon.

*Mental conversation*

The next day.

"What the devil are you doing?" asks Giles as he walks into the library early the next morning.

"What the devil does it look like I'm doing. Really Giles I've always thought better of you. I'm reading a book." Stewie tells him.

"I can see that. It's the book, that you're reading that concerns me." Giles says in a huff, as he advances on the young child.

"Here you go. I've already memorized the contents. I no longer have any need for it." says Stewie sliding the book on the table to the annoyed Watcher.

"You have? I've just acquired this book last night." Giles tells him as he removes his glasses, he asks "Why were you reading it?"

"I wanted to know what kind of surprises were in store for me later on, and how to best deal with them." Stewie tells him not even bothering to hide the reason for his interest in the book.

"I take it you were caught in the Zoo Keeper's possession spell?" he asks wondering how the young boy was able to hold off the spirit inside him.

"Oh please. You call that a possession. Mr. Leeks a Lot barely rates above a mental pet." he says with a snide laugh. "I've had worse side effects from eating Buffy's last attempt at cooking, under mother's supervision."

"So no side effects, or anything unusual then?" Giles asks.

"Not any mental ones at any rate. I am however keeping the physical ones. Faster, stronger, tougher, able to heal faster, dare I say, maybe even regenerate, at a slow rate, but still regenerate. Better senses all around as well. And let's not forget my new mental pet. He's a very small price to pay for all that. I've read the book from cover to cover. Most of this rubbish does not apply to someone of my intellect. At any rate I'm done with it. I might even write a book from my own perspective. I very much doubt this has been tried on someone like myself. This bears some studying. I think this was the simple version of the Spell that created the Slayer in the first place." Stewie explains.

"Very well, but I want to be the first to read your notes and of course your book when you're done." Giles requests from the boy genius. He could tell that he was right. After last night's experiences the boy was in no danger. He wants to know why the boy was able to resist the possession so easily. He hopes it bodes well for the future. But he didn't think it would.

Stewie leave Giles to ponder the information he just revealed and left to prepare for the day's joke of a computer class.

The library doors open, and Buffy walks in with Willow.

"Hey short stuff." she says greeting her younger brother.

"Good morning Willow. Kettle." Stewie replies as he leaves the library.

"Kettle?" Buffy says in confusion.

"As in pot, calling..." Willow explains.

Buffy ignores it and her brother and greets her watcher. "Hey Giles. What was Stewie doing here so early?" she asks.

"He was going through the private books." he tells her.

"He's trying to become a Watcher?" she asks in horror.

"No...No I don't think so." Giles replies.

"Whew. I thought the little geek was going to start wearing tweed. I so don't want to see that in the laundry." she says slightly relieved. She so could see Stewie as a mini-Giles. Tweed and all.

"Honestly Buffy. Being a Watcher is not, as bad a profession you make it out to be." Giles says defending all who wear tweed to work.

"Says the defender of all things tweed-y." jibes Buffy. "Come on Willow. I feel a tweed attack coming on. We so don't want to get caught." she says as she drags her red headed friend out of the library.

" bloody teenaged Americans. That's it run while you still can." he shouts at the backs of the laughing girls.

The Sunnydale High School Hall.

"Hey girls. What's the what?" Xander asks Buffy and Willow as they come barreling out of the library.

"Xander you missed it. Buffy just dissed Giles tweed-y habits." says an exuberant Willow.

"What. And I missed it. Buffy we've had this talk before. You should have waited, you should have called. I've been saving a few juicy tweed-y zingers of my own. Now they're going to go stale on the joke shelf. These things have an expiry date you know. Use before such and such a date. I'll never hear the end of this from Comics R Us." Xander complains with mock exasperation.

"Alright already." she says with a light laugh. "I'll call you the next time we dis the tweed man. Happy?" Buffy asks her Xander shaped friend.

"Promise?" he says.

"Cross my heart and hope to..." she says as she crosses over her heart.

"Okay then. Willow you're a witness. The next tweed dissing session, if she doesn't call, you drop the dime and then you and I will be having words missy." Xander threatens Buffy with a smile.

"Aw come on I've crossed my heart and everything. And Xander..." she says.

"Yeah?" Xander asks.

"It's good to have you back." she says giving him a kiss on the cheek.

Buffy and Willow make their way to class giggling all the way, while behind them a stunned Xander puts his fingers on the spot where Buffy kissed him. "I'll never wash again."

"Oh you so better wash again dweeb. Or you'll rue the day you were born. Got it you pig pen?" Cordelia threatens with an evil glare.

Xander ignores her and goes to his own class. Cordelia fumes for a moment, but goes to class as well. 'Oh he's so going to pay for that.' she thinks as the bell rings.

Stewie sees, and hears with his improved senses, everything from his locker at the other end of the hall, and inside his twisted evil head wheels start to spin. Plans were being made. An evil laugh threatens to escape, but that would be so cliche.

The Summers Residence.

"Mom. Stewie locked the basement again." complains Dawn as she tugs at the locked basement door nob.

"Dawn. What did I tell you about tattling on your brother?" Joyce asks her youngest daughter.

"To do it only in an emergency?" she says trying to redirect her mother's stern look.

"No. I told you to stop. Stewie honey, dinner's ready, could you please wash up. It's your turn to set the table." Joyce says in a normal voice. She knew that no matter how many times she told him not to, Stewie had the house wired. At least the insurance discount she got from the system he installed was well worth it. Which is why she put up with it. Not the fact that she couldn't detect where he installed his monitoring equipment. Never fight a battle you'll lose before you even start. Dawn and Stewie had to be handled with a delicate touch. They were so unlike Buffy in that regard.

"Mommmm. That but-wipe gets away with everything." Dawn complains forgetting her language.

"Dawn! What did I tell you about using that kind of language?" Joyce asks sternly.

"Not to do it inside the house?" she says. 'Where you can hear it.' she adds to herself.

"No dear. I told you that it was un-lady like. You know what this means. Don't you?" she says gently.

"No Mommy. Please! I'll be good." Dawn begs her mother.

"I'm sorry dear. But how else will you learn." Joyce says as she climbs the stairs to her room. She had to get ready for her date. Buffy had promised to babysit her brother and sister tonight.

Stewie opens the basement door and goes to the dining table to get it ready.

"Is there anything I can help you with brother dear?" Dawn says almost chocking on the words.

Stewie looks at her for a moment and gives her an evil smile. "You called me but-wipe while she could still hear you. Didn't you? What have I told you about that?" he asks.

"I know. You told me to be be more sneaky and use my inner voice more often around mother. But you can be such an irritant sometimes." she says in a huff.

"Oh well. Practice makes perfect." he says as he and Dawn set the table. 'I guess that's where I get it from. Mother can be such an evil woman sometimes. I'm so proud of her.' he smiles, proud that there was at least someone in this family, has a trait or two he shares with them. He was just glad it was mother, and it was the evil gene. 'Now what to do with Xander? There's so much minion potential in that boy. But how best to bait that hook?'

The Sunnydale High School Quad. The next day.

*After observing the walking hormone named Xander Harris all morning. I have come to the conclusion that he could be controlled through his...What the devil? Sir Leaks a Lot. You will let do of that note book right this minute you bad puppy* Stewie scolds the young Hyena spirit cub chewing on his mental note book. With a wave of his hand the notebook, become a steak, and the book itself reappears in his mental hands.

*Bad puppy.* he again scolds the playful spirit.

The puppy whines and continues to attack the juicy steak it's master fed it.

*Now, where were we. Oh yes. How to create a loyal minion? What do you say Sir Leaks a Lot? Would you like to have someone else to play with? You would. Excellent. Victory shall be mine!* Stewie shouts inside his head, where no one could over hear him.

"That evil kid is giving me that creepy smile of his again." complains Harmony Kendall.

"Harmony. Leave the kid alone. He's not even looking in our direction." Cordelia scolds Harmony in the same manner that Stewie just scolded his mental puppy.

The other Cordettes note that Cordelia was right. Buffy's brother was looking in the other direction. Harmony was starting tread in dangerous waters.

"Why are you even keeping tabs on him. He's just a kid and he doesn't even play the same social games we do. He thinks we're insects, and that our onions don't even matter. Someone like that doesn't care what insects think of him. That's how you should be. You could learn a lot from that kid, just don't get too close, or you know..." Cordelia commands her minion. she left the threat ambiguous. She learned long ago that harmony's imagination was the worst punishment she could inflict on that girl.

"No. I don't know. Come on Cordelia. You gotta tell me?" she begs.

"Harmony! Have some self respect girl. Stop begging." she commands.

The Cordettes all nod in agreement.

Cordelia smiles on the inside. Harmony has once again been put in her place. But she was right. Stewie did have a really evil smile on his face. She shuddered. At least it wasn't directed at her or her flock. As a good Shepherdess she protects her investments, but did not relish a confrontation with the evil genius of Sunnydale High School.

The Sunnydale High School Quad. Xander's P.O.V.

Xander felt shiver go through him. Ever since the possession, he was more aware of his surrounding. His senses were a lot better than normal. Not what they were while he was possessed, but still a heck of a lot better than they were.

He looks around the quad. Buffy and Willow were on his left and right. Check. Cordelia and her sheep were in sight, but they were absorbed in something. They were all looking at Harmony. She must have gotten a new pair of shoes, or earrings. Whatever, but Cordelia and the Cordettes were accounted for. Check.

His eyes pass over Stewie. He notes his position and moves on. After a complete inspection, he couldn't find anything out of the ordinary. This just made him even more paranoid.

"Why are you so jumpy Xander?" Willow asks. She was so hyper aware of Xander's moods that she detected that there was something out of place. Again. 'Oh God. I hope it's not another possession or something.' she thinks.

"I don't know Wills. I can feel like someone's watching us." he says.

"That's funny. I don't feel anything like that. Do you feel anything Buffy? You are...You know." she says to the the relaxing slayer enjoying the peace and the sun, before they had to go to their next class.

"Nope. Sorry. Not a ping on my slaydar." she reports.

"Man this sucks. I know someone's got me in their sights. It's giving me the shivers. Burrr." he says as he does a full body shiver that Willow thought was so cute and made Buffy laugh.

"Ha ha ha. You look just like Scooby when you do that Xander." Buffy tells as she giggles.

"If I was going to be compared to a dog, at least it's my favorite dog in the world. Scooby Doo." Xander says with a grin and an imitation of his cartoon hero. "Hey do you think Stewie can hears us?" he asks his friends.

"No. Don't be silly. He's too far..." says Willow as she looks in Stewie's direction. He did have a smile on his face as if he was laughing along with them. "Maybe..."

The Sunnydale High School Library. Xander's P.O.V.

"Hey Stewie. Where's everybody?" Xander asks Stewie. Buffy's brother was alone in the library. He was reading a book that was bigger than he was.

"Gile's training Buffy in some Slayer exercise, and Willow decided to follow." Stewie replies without looking up from the book he was reading.

"You really can read that thing?" Xander asks the young boy.

"No. Not really. Not yet anyway. This isn't something simple like Latin, or Greek. It some kind of Demon trade language. A lingua franka if you will." Stewie explains.

"A what now?" asks Xander.

"It's like the Star Wars common language." Stewie explains in terms Xander can understand.

"Oh. Why didn't you say that in the first place, and why are you pretending to read it, if you don't know how to read it?" Xander asks the annoyed child.

For that second. Stewie connected with Giles. He understood how the Watcher felt when he did it to him. He made a mental note to do it more often. "I'm using a translator. Until I learn the language, but that's at least a few weeks a way." He showed Xander the scanner he made to copy and translate the text.

"This is fantastic. You could make a fortune selling stuff like this." says Xander putting the glasses on and looking at the book. With the glasses on it looked like something even he could read.

"Who says I haven't already done so? But with technology like this, the government gets to bid first. In this case they decide to keep it under wraps for themselves. So long as the money's good I don't really care." he explains.

"What's this all about? The sharing of the essences and stuff." he says reading from the book.

"I've been looking for a way to share something, and I have found it in this book." Stewie explains.

"What are you trying to share?" he asks.

"I'll explain that in a minute. I have a question for you instead. What are your intentions towards my sister mister Harris?" Stewie asks the teen.

The question coming from a young boy like Stewie caught Xander off guard. "Well I...That is...Well she's Buffy, and..."

"Yes? Out with it man." Stewies says as he grabs the flustered teen and lightly slaps him to get him to focus.

"Hey. What the hell?" says Xander as he tries to break Stewie's grip, to no avail. The younger boy held him with little effort. "How are you doing this?" he asks.

"How do you think? You were there after all." Stewie confesses.

"You kept the possession, but your not under the Hyena's control?" he guessed.

"Excellent deduction mister Harris and quite accurate as well. What would you do if you kept the power, without the influence?" he asks the teen.

"That's why you're reading this book. To share the active possession." he declares.

"Yes. That's it exactly." Stewie says with a shark like smile.

"Stop it Stewie. You're creeping me out." says Xander, still in Stewie's steel like grip.

"Well I'm waiting for an answer. Would you take this power if it was offered?" he asks.

"What's the catch? There's always a price." declares Xander.

"Of course there's always a price. Anything that has any value has a price." Stewie tells him.

Xander thinks about what Buffy's brother is offering. The power while he had it was intoxicating, until the bitch took control of his body. He asked Stewie a few question to clarify exactly what he would be getting, and Stewie told him exactly what he would be getting into.

"Alright. I agree, now what's the price?" he asks.

"That's easy, and it's something you can pay. It might even be the answer to all your dreams, but since I don't know what your dreams are, besides the obvious. I really don't care. You want power to impress Buffy and to stand up to someone like Angel. And Buffy will not take you seriously until you have an edge of some sort." Stewie explains.

Xander nods in conformation at stewie's guess indicating for him to go on.

"I want a minion I can trust. A servant if you will. I want someone I can trust to protect my family. You want power to impress my sister. You'll now have the power to woo her and try to win her affections, but be aware that's something you'll have to do on your own. I'm not hooking my sister. Are. We. Clear?" explains Stewie.

"As Crystal." Xander says as he thinks about what Buffy's brother is offering. When he had the power, he could smell Buffy's interest. He had enough left to know that she didn't think of him like that after he lost his edge. Did he really want to give up his freedom, even if it was to Buffy's brother for a shot at winning her. Yes dammit. He did. "I agree to your terms."

"Very well. Let's get it done then." says Stewie.

"What? Now?" asks Xander.

"Yes. Nothing like the present. I do have other plans. I would have to modify them slightly if you refused my offer, but you were the best candidate for this. I did not want to offer this to Kyle and the others. You have more control than they do. Let's see how you handle this. And don't worry. I'll be with you all the way. But I would rather you overcome the possession on your own. If you do, you'll be able to keep more spiritual freedom." he explains.

"Alright, let's do this before I lose my nerve." Xander reluctantly agrees to go ahead with the ritual.

"Very well, stand there, in the center of the seal if you will. Good." Stewie says as he begins the ritual, before his future servant loses his nerve and back out of the agreement. Following the instructions in the book, Stewie reaches for the power available over the hellmouth without tapping directly into it's oily energies and opens a path for Sir Leaks a Lot between him and Xander. The spirit jumps in Joy at the chance and reconnects with whatever shreds were left by the alpha. It recharges Xander and leaves enough of itself behind so it can travel between the two anytime it wants.

When the ritual was done. Xander emerges from his battle with the much reduced remnants of the Alpha spirit. This time he was able to come out on top, thanks for the heads up from Stewie on how to conquer his inner bitch.

When he looks at Stewie, he doesn't see his master, he sees a precious member of the pack that needs his protection, a future Alpha. "Looks like it worked." he tells him.

"Excellent. But please don't bullshit a bullshitter. I know exactly what you're thinking. We are linked after all. And so long as you keep up your end of the bargain there's no need for me to exert control." declares Stewie.

Xander laughs at that. But it wasn't the out of control Hyena laugh. He did retain his spirit and Stewie did deliver on his promises. He was honor bound to keep his end. Besides. Most of what Stewie was asking him to do were things that he wanted to do. He wanted to protect Buffy and take her as his mate. He also felt protective towards the rest of the Summers household, Willow and Giles. For some reason Cordelia as well. He thinks that might be something from Stewie. If he was interested in the Cheerleader, it would have to be from him. Yep. That's what it must be. Inside his head he could see a small Hyena spirit, a puppy, playing. He smiles as he follows Stewie out of the library. It's time to introduce them to the new and improved Xander.

"Do be careful. You're not as strong as you were, when you were the Alpha. At best you're at maybe sixty to seventy percent. It will take time to rebuild your strength to that level again. Until then use some caution and common sense. That is an order. I'll not have you get killed over something as silly as arrogance. There's always a bigger predator in the water. You'll have to start training seriously from now on." orders Stewie.

"I guess. But man what a rush." says Xander.

"I know. But it's not always the one with the biggest set of muscles that always wins. Look at Buffy, let her inspire you. In her element she inspires even me." Stewie tells him as they leave the library.

The Sunnydale Restfield Cemetery.

Giles was teaching Buffy how to use her slayer senses to detect vampires. Willow sat quietly next to them on a headstone, while he instructed his Slayer.

"Now tell me. Do you feel anything different when you concentrate with your eyes closed?" he asks.

"Yeah. I do. there's like two blips coming from right over there, but they don't feel like vampires. they feel kinda like..." Buffy says as she opens her eyes and points in the direction of the blips.

"Xander, and Stewie." Willow yells interrupting Buffy.

"What did you do?" Buffy accuses her brother.

"Just did as mother ordered. she says we must share. I did a sharing, with Xander here, and from now on when you go on patrol, he's going to be your shadow." explains Stewie.

"Hey Wills. How's the training going?" Xander asks with a smile.

"Are you, you, or are you the bad you?" she babbles at a speed that only Xander and some squirrels can keep up with.

"It's all me Willow. Nothing, but one hundred percent Xander here. Accept no substitute." he tells her as he gives her a hug.

"I made you someone who would watch your back like I would, if mother ever lets me out of the house after six at night. I see how banged up you get when come home at the end of your patrols. Having someone who can watch your back, someone you trust, will keep alive a little longer. Sue me I'm selfish. I want to make sure my sister lives a little longer." Stewie explains.

"Aw. That's so sweet. I wish I had a brother that cared about me like that." says Willow from inside Xander's embrace. She was hugging him with all her might, and she wasn't letting go. He was letting her and she was taking advantage.

"Man, you girls smell amazing." he says.

"Ewww. Stop that. Xander you are not allowed to smell either of us." Commands Buffy. She was still trying to come up with an answer to Stewie surprise declaration. She knew that her brother loved her and cared about her, but this was way too much. The little evil shit did this for her.

"Not really something I can control Buff. I do use this nose of mine to breath with you know." Xander says apologetically. 'Not that I'd give up smelling this ambrosia for anything. My God. I'm about to come in my pants from the smell and if Willow squeezes just a little harder...oh yeah, there it is.'

Stewie gives him a look, but doesn't say anything. After all, his servants actions refelect on him. He couldn't really blame him. He just thanked God he wouldn't be going through this phase for another year or two yet.

"Xander why are smiling like that?" asks Buffy.

"I'm just so happy to see you Guys." he says innocently.

"You're still doing it. Stop with the smelling you pig." she demands.

"You might as well command the sun not to rise in the east Buffy. He has no choice. I smell the same things, he's smelling, but for me the party won't start for a few years yet, thank God. I'm not looking forward to the diminished mental capacity this will induce." Stewie tells her.

"Uh hmm. If I may." Giles begins.

"Yeah go ahead. They're all yours." Buffy tells her Watcher.

"Thank you Buffy. Now. Of all the stupid irresponsible things you could have done. This has to be it." Giles starts. He then turns into mister Hyde and shows them why in some circles, he was known as Ripper.

"Yes. That was very nice. Are done?" asks Stewie as a couple of vampires come running from the other side of the cemetery.

Buffy charges the one on the left and Xander reluctantly leaves Willow, to take the one on the right. While Buffy was poetry in motion, Xander struggled with his opponent, but at least he wasn't overpowered as he would have been before the ritual.

"Do hurry up there Xander. It's almost time for my curfew." Stewie shouts encouragements to his minion.

"You could help you know." Xander complains as he blocks a punch to his heads, the one to the gut, gets through his swiss cheese defense.

"Very well, but we will be doubling the time we're spending on your martial arts training. Clearly you haven't retained enough from previous sessions. Hey! You with the ridges." Stewie shouts at the vampire.

"What!?" yells the vampire, when he sees Stewie, he grins and says "Wait your turn pipsqueak, this won't take long."

"No it won't." Stewie says a he fires the equivalent of a solar flare at the vampire incinerating his head the rest of the body turns to ash a few seconds later.

"If you could have done this before, why didn't you?" yells Xander.

"You need the practice. Clearly from your preformance, we have a lot of work ahead of us. Come on. I have a few an hours left, let's get started." he says as he attacks the confused teens. "God gave you hands to block with Harris, use them." commands drill instructor Stewie.

End of Chapter.
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