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Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628718752,09130 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

You've got 'What' in your backyard?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Jonathan Glassner and Brad Wright for Stargate SG-1 the T.V. series.
Check previous disclaimers.

*Mental conversation*

Sunnydale, SRL Main Building.

After the inspection Stewie leads the way back to his office in the main building.

Giles was already there ahead of them, with his books.

"Rupert..." says Daniel, as soon as he sees the other man.

"D-Daniel... Good Lord! It is you. How, how have you been?" he asks.

"I'm good, great in fact. I landed on my feet with, so to speak with Jack and Sam here... Oh where's my manners... Everyone this is an old friend of mine... Dr. Rupert Giles... Rupert these are my friends. Jack O'Neill, Samantha Carter and... Maury." says Daniel Jackson, doing the introduction thing.

"Hello everyone. I, I, I am glad to see Daniel has made friends. You, you do look good Daniel." says Giles.

"Hi Rupert." says Jenny, walking over to her man. "I see you've got your books with you..." she says with a smirk.

"Y-yes, I, I was told that, that you needed to look up something from the Egyptian era." he tells her.

"You're really cute when you get flustered like that..." she whispers into his right ear, Her tongue flicks out and she licks his ear, without anyone noticing.

Giles holds it together, but a sub-vocal growl, makes Jenny weak in the knees. It's one of the reasons she teases him like this. His Ripper bad boy, hits all the right spots on her good girl body. She's a big girl, she can admit it to herself that this is turning into a vice.

Maury is the only one that from Daniel's friends that reacts to Giles' growl, and that only with a raised eyebrow.

The others can tell from her scent, but they don't really count anymore. They were family... after all... sort of...

"Books? What did you bring? Are these from that private collection... Y'know... the one you wouldn't let me touch..." asks Danny.

"Danny calm down. It's just some old books..." starts Jack, but he never finishes the thought as Danny and Giles sputter and protest trying to explain, and defend their precious.

"Okay. Okay. I give." says Jack turning to Sam he asks, "Didn't you keep him down to three cups of coffee like I 'requested' Captain?"

Sam shrugs, "I did my best, sir, but he got away from me at the airport for a couple of minutes..." she says.

Jack looks at Teal'C, but the ex Jaffa ignores the stare. O'Neill's childish complaints were to be ignored whenever possible when not on a mission. In the field that was a different matter. No one takes a child seriously, which was one of the reasons the man was so deadly. Ignore the O'Neill child at your own peril. However this was not the field.

"Hello... Mother... Yes... Could you please set four more places for supper..." Stewie says into the phone, but when Xander raises his and Willow's hand up, he changes the count to include the two free loaders, "... Make that six places..." Jenny raises her and Rupert's hands as well, "... Well the count seems to have climbed to eight, I think it would be best if you make that ten, just to be on the safe side. I think Dawn might want to eat, as well. I better include her, she'll probably want to see your cousin Jack..." Stewie removes the handset from his ear, as his mother's joyous shriek at the news damage his hearing. It takes a moment for the damage to heal. "... Could we not do that again please. I would like to be able to hear cousin Jack's proposal at supper..." he tells his mother.

Again Stewie removes the handset, and mutes the conversation.

Jack smirks at Stewie, "I thought you were smarter than that kid. Never tell your mother what she can and can't do. I know I've never had any success at it. Still got the scars, from that time she..."

Stewie glares stops Jack from continuing with the story. The message was clear. Keep it up and you're walking out of here, the same way you came... with 'Empty Hands'.

Jack got the message, he shuts up, but the smirk stays.

Stewie lets him get away with it. He was family after all. 'He's family. Something will have to be done about that.' he thinks as he triggers a spell, he sept up with Jenny and Willow's help.

Jenny feels the energy release, through the link she has to the spell. The energy drain is minor, but, 'What's he up to...' she thinks.

After Stewie hangs up with his mother, he calls Harmony into his office.

"You rang?" she asks.

"Yes. I did. Could you please get refreshments for everyone?" he asks.

"Do I have to?" she asks.

"Yes you do." he tells her.

"Even them?" she points at Xander and Willow.

"Yes even them." he replies.

"Make mine a double." says Xander.

"Pig." Willows says with an elbow jab to the side.

Xander sees the blow coming, but let's it land anyway. He'd rather have the minor pain, than do without. "It's for you know who." he tells her.

"You know who? Who?" asks Jack.

"My other girl Marcie." replies Xander.

"You expect here to... Stewie, that's a lot more people than I'm comfortable with. Too many people already to tell you the truth. Next thing you know you'll tell them about our alien problem." says Jack.

"Ex-excuse, me? Alien problem? What am I missing? And not to be impolite, but what are you?" Giles asks Maury.

"That's Just M... Teal'C." says Jack.

"Sir!?" exclaims Samantha Carter with shock.

"..." Jack looks at Sam, and then looks at Stewie. "Stewie? What's going on?" he asks.

"Truth, and compulsion spell. When someone asks you a question, you must reply, and you do so, truthfully and completely." explains Stewie.

"Spell, as in hocus pocus, spell... spell?" asks Jack.

"Yes, but without the hocus... Or the pocus." he says to Jack. "Correct me, but there wasn't anything like that in the spell when we cast it... were there?" Stewie asks Jenny.

"No. But why did you activate it?" she asks.

"I need to know what we're facing, and they will not tell us, otherwise." Stewie explains.

"Is the world in that much danger? I though you were joking when you mentioned 'End of the World' scenario. It's not a joke, is it?" she asks Jack.

"... No. It's not a joke." Jack replies. "Damn. I couldn't resist" he says to Danny.

"What are we facing?" asks Stewie.

"An interstellar Galactic Empire run by ego centric bunch of Megalomaniac that like to be worshiped as Gods." explains Jack.

"Good Lord. You've un-earthed the Gate! Didn't you?" accuses Giles. "Weren't the warnings on the gate specific enough? You've led the bloody Goa'uld and their Jaffa servants back to our world. Do you have any idea... The cost it took to drive them off our world the last time they were here..." Giles goes on a rage. The Ripper is lose, and he was a bout to physically attack Jack.

"You know about the Goa'uld?" asks Danny.

His simple question is enough to stop Giles from ripping O'Neill a new one.

"Yes I know know about the Goa'uld. Daniel the warnings were very specific. You should not have..." he replies.

"Who are you?" asks Jack.

"I am Rupert Giles. Watcher to the Chosen one. The Slayer Buffy Summers. Who are you?" he asks Jack.

"I'm Colonel Jack O'Neill. Commander of SG-1. Second in command of the SGC." he replies. "Damn it. That's it. Kid turn this thing off before I..." Jack yells at Stewie tacking out a gun and pointing it at him.

Xander disarms Jack before the gun points at Stewie.

Jack glares at Xander unable to resist the teen.

"Sorry man, but like he's the boss." Xander says Apologetically. "The pain in my rear, the dreaded tiny tyrant of Sunnydale. The ..."

That's quite enough! You've just earned yourself some extra training time." Stewie tells Xander.

"Ah man. That's just his way of dishing out the pain..." Xander stops at Stewie's glare.

"You're afraid of him?" asks Jack not believing that the teen holing him back so easily is afraid of his cousin's child.

"Yeah. I'm not afraid to admit it. He scares the crap out of me. I just thank God he's on our side and not the demons side." says Xander.

"Demons?! Spells?! Slayers?! What the hell are you people talking about?" Jack yells finally losing it.

"Giles? Do you want to, or shall I?" asks Stewie.

"Let Giles do it. He tells it best." says Xander.

Giles takes off his glasses and starts to cleans them. "Very well." he says. "In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer."

The room erupts as Jack and his people react differently.

"We're getting out of here! Now!" yells Jack.

"Not before you finish your explanation about what we're facing." says Stewie.

Jack stops in his tracks and does just that. He explains what the Air Force and the by proxy, the U.S. Government were doing on the 'Galactic' stage.

"Okay, now we can go home. Mother will be so pleased you've come." says Stewie.

"You're all under arrest." says Jack.

"No we're not." says Stewie as he starts to make a few calls.

Summers Residence, 1630 Revello Drive.

"JACK! It so good to see you. Why haven't you called more often..." Joyce warmly greets Jack and his party at the door to casa Summers.

Jack waits for Joyce to run down. He knows from experience that he's not gonna get a word in edge wise until she's done.

'I can't believe I'm here making nice with my cousin, instead of arresting her kid. Since when did Stewie get this connected? He just turned eleven fer chrissakes.' Jack fumes silently knowing that this wasn't a battle he was going to win, or should win. When it was all said and done Stewie was family. And he was providing them with the tech they'd need to fight the snakes. No one else was doing that, not this freely anyway.

"JACK! When did you get in? Where's my present.?" screams the little homing missile that tackles him in the shape of a little girl. 'Since when did Dawn get this strong. She could give Teal'C a run for his money in the strength department.' he thinks as he tries to catch his breath.

He tries to fight off Dawn as she searches through his pockets for presents. But before he could says anything Stewie slips something into his hand. He looks at the boy, but the boy ignores him. "Is this what you looking for little girl?" he asks.

"Oooooh. Presies. Thanks Jack! Oomah!" she says planting a huge kiss on his cheek. She stays glued to his body, until Joyce does the 'Mother with the name thing' to pry her off.

During dinner Jack and Joyce get caught up on family news. But everyone keeps sneaking a glance at Teal'C. No one says anything. Jack's not sue if he wants to open that can of worms, but it was getting on his nerves.

"Alright. Anyone wants to tell me what's with the looks? It's like you've never seen a... Maury, before." he asks.

"I don't think anyone has seen a... Maury on this planet for a long time Colonel O'Neill." replies Giles.

"They're called... Maury's...?" Xander asks Willow.

She shrugs and replies, "I guess... Why are you asking me for? I'm in the same boat you are."

"Uh, um, Maury's people are not from around here..." says Giles.

"Oh. Where are they from?" asks Joyce.

"They're from out there..." says Giles.

"Where... out there?" asks Joyce.

"Rupert you've mentioned that you have documented contact with... Maury's people, before. Is that information in the books you've left back at the office?" asks Danny.

"Yes they are." replies Giles. "They'd better be well taken care of. They're priceless. They're irreplaceable, and they're..."

"... They're with Harmony." adds Xander.

"Good Lord." says Giles, as he jumps up from the table and races to the door.

"You did that on purpose." Jenny accuses Xander.

"... Yeah I did." he admits. "Doesn't make it any less true..." he says to her retreating back.

'He's right. Doesn't make it any less true. I'd better motor if I want to catch my man... before he commits Harmony-cide.' she thinks, as she sprints for her car.

Sunnydale, SRL Main Building.

She catches sight of him several blocks away. She guns her new sports car and pulls up next to him. The door swings out. "Get in!" she orders.

Giles debates that command for less than a fraction of a second before he jumps in. It was a short debate. The souped up sports car would get him there a lot faster than running, and if he ignored her, he would be in the dog house for a long time. No other choice really. 'I hate it when she does that.' he thinks, as the sports car pulls into its spot in front of the SRL building.

They both sprint into the building. The front doors scan and recognize Jenny, and swing open. They don't close on Giles, due to his guest status. When they reach Stewie's office they can hear the music of a party in progress.

Harmony and the Cordettes were having a party... In Stewie's office... With his books still on the table, with Harmony dancing on top of the table. Swinging her pantie clad ass at a boy he vaguely recognizes from school. He jumps and grabs his books, before Harmony kicks them off.

Summers Residence, 1630 Revello Drive.

"What the heck..." willow says to Xander. she hits on the shoulder and almost yells, "Why did you do that for you jerk?" she asks.

"Willow think about it... Harmony... Alone... With no supervision, with those poor priceless ancient books unprotected at the her mercy... I see a wild party with circus animals and clowns making bad giraffe balloons... Oh god the horror..." he tries to say all that with a straight face, but it was a losing battle.

Willow on the other hand looks unsure how to respond. "Stewie...?" she asks.

Stewie looks back and sighs.

"Are the books really in that much of a danger? She seemed like such a nice young woman... She, she wouldn't hurt the books... would she?" asks Danny.

"Stewie, honey... What's going on?" asks Joyce.

"Mr. Giles brough his priceless ancient Egyption Book collection and in our haste to move the party from my office, we left the books alone with Harmony." he explains.

"Harmony seems like a nice enough girl... Will that be a problem?" she asks.

Stewie sighs and takes out his PDA and points it at one of the walls. "It shouldn't really, but I know Harmony has a weakness for books." he says as he presses the button to turn the wall into a display screen.

"What kind of weakness could she have?" asks Joyce.

"Her and books don't get along. They insult her intelligence." explains Xander. "She retaliates with throwing them from high places into a water-y grave, a book burning... Y'know, the usual cruelties..." he says.

This time it was Danny's turn to take off from the table.

Jack grabs him before he gets too far. He was no souped up Giles after all. He was just a Danny.

"The sounds of a party going out of control, are the first warning as the camera pans to where books were placed on Stewie's island size desk. Every few seconds Harmony's pantie clad butt swings into view. She gets close to the books, but the boy dancing with her swings her back.

Work in progress...
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