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Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628718752,09030 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

Bigger... Is Better?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Jonathan Glassner and Brad Wright for Stargate SG-1 the T.V. series.
Check previous disclaimers.

*Mental conversation*

Summers Residence, 1630 Revello Drive.

"Good morning Jack." Joyce says to Jack, she lightly sniffs the air and right away she picks up on the differences. "I see Stewie, gave you a going away present." she says with a bright smile.

Jack sniffs the air, as well, and he can now tell that everyone in the house was part of the family, or Pack, like Stewie calls it. "Um, yeah... Thanks. You put him up to that?" he asks. "You smell nice... By the way." he adds.

Joyce smiles and gives him a quick kiss on his cheek. "Thank you Jack. It'll take a few days for you to get used to all the extra sensory input. I know it threw me for a loop, when he did that to me and Dawn, but I know he did it to protect us. When I found out what we were living on, I freaked. I wanted to move out right then and there, but Stewie and Buffy, talked me out of it. I mean they're out there most nights keeping everyone safe, and they've already stopped the world from getting destroyed a few times, I can't be selfish abut this... I mean my children are out there defending humanity, and I'm throwing a panic fit... And then there you. Doing the same thing." she gives him a warm hug and another kiss on the opposite cheek. "I'm so proud of you." she says letting go.

"Um, thanks Joyce. You don't know how much I appreciate that. This is something of a hush, hush, no one's supposed to know..." he says.

"I know. Buffy and Stewie keep on making the point. I get it, Panic in the streets, end of civilization as we know it, and so on..." she says, as she puts extra plates on the dinning room table.

Jack helps her, it feels like they were thirteen again, at one of the many family gathering they had back then. Him, helping Joyce, setting the table. It was nice, it feels like home.

Soon everyone pours into the room, they take seats and start eating. SG-1 was ravenous, and Joyce made enough food to feed an army. Xander and Willow were there, but the rest of last night's group wasn't. The was an empty seat, but the plate Xander places a plate piled with food, in front of the empty chair.

"A little hungry, are we?" Jack asks Xander.

"Sure. Aren't you?" he asks with a grin.

Jack grins right back. He starts in on his own plate. A few minutes later the empty seat next to Xander moves, but he ignores it. The kid was obviously playing with it for some reason.

"Uh, sir..." says Carter.

"Yes Carter? What is it?" he asks. When he looks up from his plate at his second he sees her look across the table. The spoon was full of food, it floats by itself and the food disappears. The spoon does it again. Jack sniffs the air and he the smells of everyone and everything assaults him like a punch to the back of the head by a two ton Jaffa.

"Easy Jack. Don't do too much at the same time. This is still new to you." Joyce warns her cousin.

Jack recovers quickly. "Whats with the spoon?" he asks.

"That's Marcie." replies Xander. "My invisible girlfriend. Say 'hi' to the nice Colonel Marcie." he adds with a grin.

"Hi nice Colonel." says Marcie, putting her spoon down.

"Stewie..." says Jack looking for an explanation.

"Yes?" Stewie replies.

"You have stealth shields... And you're not sharing?" he asks.

"No." Stewie replies and gets back to his breakfast.

"But... But?" he sputters.

"It's not a shield, more like a curse." explains Willow.

"How's that?" asks Jack.

Willow explains Marcie problem. By the time she's done, so is breakfast.

Sunnydale, SRL Building.

Stewie signs off on all the equipment SG-1 came for. He gives the data pad back to the Donald Duck robot, subbing for Harmony, while she recovers. She was still shaken up and hiding in her bed, refusing to come out of her bedroom until Stewie forgives her.

He was still upset with her, so he's been putting that off.

"Donald Duck works for you?" Jack asks.

"Yeah. What'sss it to you, bud?" asks Robo Donald.

"Uh... nothing." says Jack, backing off the the eight foot Donald Duck.

"It's a robot. Leave him alone. He's got work to do. Go on Donald. Get the boys ready for the inspection." says Stewie.

"Yess, Sirrr." replies Robo Donald.

"That's... Just... Freaky." says Jack.

"This is the only thing that upsets you about the whole deal? This?" asks Danny.

"Well yeah. There's an explanation for the rest, but this is something else. I grew up on Donald Duck, and Mickey, Goofy and the rest. This hits close to home. Donald has sold out, and went into the private corporate sector." he tells Danny.

"Sir. I think this is a bit more serious than that." says Sam.

"What do you mean Carter?" asks Jack.

"Well for one, if that was a robot, and not a man in a suit, then the A.I. controlling it, is something that is more advanced than anything on the market." she explains.

"I beg to differ. This model has been on the market for the last few month. The Anaheim Theme Park, has already been upgraded to these model. Guaranteed to last for twenty five years, with regular maintenance, before the body needs to be replaced." says Stewie.

"Why did you make them so durable." asks Jack.

"I needed a quick sale. That was a deal closer. As a result, Disney, is now one of my best customers." Stewie admits to Jack.

"Why the hurry?" he asks, getting the jump on Carter, before she starts on her technical mambo jumbo. It was, just as confusing, as all this magic crap. They both seem to work. It just wasn't his thing. But what Stewie was doing was something that got his attention.

"I wasn't in all that big of a hurry at first, but the shit is about to hit the fan. This is the End of Days. You're doing your bit, and so are we, here in Sunnydale. I recognize your contribution to our continued existence. That was the second reason I gave you and your team the boost. There'll be other going away presents before you leave. You are family, and I trust you'll do what it takes to protect your family, and your team. I'll hold up my end in Sunnydale. Take care of the outside threats and I'll make sure your butt is covered from this end. I hear that you've been having problems with Senator Kinsey the chairmen of the appropriations committee. I'll have a few words with my people, They'll try to call him off your back, if not, they'll try to minimize the damage he'll do. It's too bad you couldn't wait another year. By then my influence in those circles would have been more helpful, as it is..." Stewie let's the thought hang out there. He delivers his message and Jack gets it.

"I get it. We'll do what we can to keep this mud ball spinning." Jack promises.

"That's all I can ask. I believe in you Jack. Samantha. Danny. You as well Teal'C. I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you a full boost, but your symbiont is a jealous creature and it will not share. Having said that, you'll notice a few benefits. You'll be able to keep up with rest. Had the merger been successful, you would have been a truly awesome fighting machine. Still you are not without your own certain edge. You'll find when the time comes for the symbiont to emerge, you'll be able to fight it off and hold your own. Indeed. You'll no longer have to fear a take over by the snake-y parasites." Stewie tells Jack and SG-1.

"That is indeed good news Stewie Summers. I thank you for this gift." says Teal'C with a small bow.

"Yes well. This one is free. Other services, will have a price in the future. As long as you continue to fight for this world, I will keep the gifts coming. The moment you are no longer a part of Jack's team, The gift will become a tad more expensive." Stewie tells him.

"I appreciate your honesty Stewie Summers." says Teal'C.

"It's best to keep these dealing up front and in the light of day." Stewie tells him with a straight face.

"Are you sure you're not leaving anything out?" asks Jack.

"Jack I'm charging you for everything you take. The gifts are free, because you're family and they'll keep you alive longer, but you best believe that I'll be getting my fee for services rendered. Besides, I'm not letting you go off on your own and leaving this place defenseless for that asshole Apophis to bomb us back to the stone age. I've already got a ship under construction, if you don't stop him, it'll be up to me and my people to pull it off. So my advice is stop him, I don't think we can live with the collateral damage if my toys don't work quite right." Stewie tells him.

"You have toys that can do that much damage do you?" Jack asks with a smirk.

"Jack are you slow? or what?" asks Stewie.

"Hey!" says Jack.

"Sir. If I may? I think, what Stewie, is trying to say is that, if he's capable of building an anti-gravity generator, he's probably capable of building other things that are capable of manipulating gravity." she guesses.

"Bravo Captain Carter." replies Stewie.

"How big a bang are we talking about here Stewie?" asks Jack.

"It's not an explosive Jack. It's not about how to blow things up. It's about reshaping and controlling the forces that make up our world. Gravity is one of those fundamental forces." Stewie explains.

"What do you have in mind?" asks Jack.

"I'm going to keep that one to myself, just in case you get captured... Again... You can't reveal what you don't know." he says.

"He's got you there Jack." says Danny.

"It's a good idea, sir." Carter tells Jack. "But I would feel better if you tell someone else who's not going to be in danger of capture, what you have in mind." she says to Stewie.

Stewie thinks about it for a minute, before replying, "Who do you have in mind Samantha?" he asks.

"General Hammond. He's our commanding officer, and more importantly, he's completely trust worthy." she says.

"No one is completely trust worthy. But I'll hear the man out. I want to talk to him in private before I divulge my secrets, to a complete stranger." he tells her.

"You thinking of adding him to the pack?" asks Jack. "'Cause if you are, there's a few guys on SG-2, and SG-3, who could use the boost."

"How many people are we talking about here Jack?" Stewie asks his mother's cousin.

"A baker's dozen..." Jack replies.

"Are you nuts. I'll be drained for month." replies Stewie.

"But you'd do it... Seeing as these guys are putting it on the line..." Jack tells him.

Stewie looks hard at Jack, but the older man was making sense. The more qualified help he had the better the chances of survival. "Very well. Your General Hammond the the twelve other people you have in mind... But no more. As it is, I won't be of any use for the next six month after that. The best I'll be able to do, would be to light a candle after that. The fate of the world will have to hang on Buffy's shoulders." he tells Jack.

"Uh, maybe we should rethink that..." starts Jack.

But Carter interrupts him, "... Sir I think the man power would be come in pretty handy. We sure could use the help. It's coming down to the wire, sir."

"How much time are we talking about Captain Carter?" asks Stewie.

"About a week." she replies.

"... Very well. Have the people you want to join the pack here by tomorrow, or the deal is off the table. Now, let's get the equipment you came for ready. I think I'll get a few gravity propelled fighters built as well. I'm sure that your General Hammond will snap them up as soon as they roll off the assembly line." says Steiwe.

"Sweet. How soon can you have those ready to go?" asks Jack.

"I'll have half a dozen ready by the end of the week, and a dozen more by the end of next month." Stewie promises.

"How can you get them produced so fast?" asks Sam.

"I've had the plans, when I redesigned the fusion power plants. Everything was ready to go, then. There wasn't anyone I was willing to sell the technology to until now. Besides. Everything in my factories is controlled by A.I.s I have an untiring robot work force that doesn't need to rest to meet production quotas. The Anti-Gravity fighters will be ready." he promises.

"Better than we hoped for, less than what we need. Looks like our original plan still stands." says Jack.

"You can't have everything. Call your General and have him here as soon as possible. I'm going to get some rest. Jenny and Willow will see have to answer your remaining questions from this point on." he says leaving Jack and SG-1 behind.

Xander drives him back to the house, and he stays with him. From what Xander has overheard, the tittle guy was going to need every bit of energy he could recoup, in the next few days.

Sunnydale, SRL Assembly Plant.

"Sir, these fighter are more than capable of meeting the Death Gliders head on. As you know A Death Glider is a two-man attack fighter vessel designed for combat in both space and atmosphere. These fighters have more power, better maneuverability... If we can put an energy shield on them, they could even challenge the Ha'taks carriers themselves. I wish we had more time. With enough fighters like these the Goa'ulds would never be able to set on our planet again." she explains.

"What about firepower Carter?" jack asks.

"They have high energy blasters connected to their own dedicated fusion power plant. They also have hard points for a modular weapons platform. Overall the blasters can hold their own against the Death Glider's staff cannons. If we can come up with a surprise punch, we could put that on one of the modular weapons platform." she explains.

Jack and SG-1 look up from the monitors and watch as the robots arms build the fighters below them.

"So, I'm thinking SG-1, SG-2 and SG-3. There's enough pilots on those teams to take the first six fighters up into orbit, when Apophis comes calling... But what the heck are we going to throw at them. Those blaster cannons, aren't going to do the job on their own. Like you said, great against Death Gliders, not so much against Ha'taks. Just not enough numbers." he tells them.

"We'll think of something Jack. Just look at how far ahead we are today from yesterday. I feel like we can do anything. For now these are a distraction, let's go do something about the real threat while we can." says Danny.

"You coming along, or do you want to spend some more time with Dr. Giles and his books?" asks Jack.

"I think I'll stay. I think it would make things run smoother when General Hammond and company get here, and there's someone they can trust to cover their backs. What do you think Jack? Is Stewie on the up and up?" asks Danny.

"I don't know. But so far, like you said, we're more ahead, than behind, it can't hurt, but that doesn't mean we close our eyes to what's going on." Jack advises his friend.

Summers Residence, 1630 Revello Drive, Stewie's Room.

"What are you thinking?" Xander asks Stewie.

"I'm thinking Boeing is not going to be enough." Stewie replies to Xander's question.

"You're worried about the snake-y things." he asks.

"Yes. I'm worried about the snake-y things. Do you know why?" he asks Xander.

"I'm not sure. But if I had to guess... It's the numbers and the technology." Xander guesses.

"Partially. Kudos, by the way. You're developing faster than I first gave you credit for. Keep it up. Minor henchman." Stewie tells him.

"Heh. This a promotion?" Xander asks.

"Take it as you will, but yes, it is." Stewie confirms.

"Do I get a raise?" he asks.

"No, but the benefits package and the perks, just increased." he tells him. "To answer your first question. The Goa'ulds are a danger, because they are organized, true they fight against each other, but if a sufficient danger presents itself they will pull together. When Jack and his people make enough of a nuisance of themselves, and they will, that's when the true fun will start. I'm not sure how much time we have, but according to my calculations with the current information Willow and Jenny managed to get out of SGC computers... We'd better be ready to meet the challenge in a few years. If not? You can kiss your ass goodbye. 'Cause it so will meet the sky." he explains.

"I think I just pissed my pants." says Xander.

Stewie looks at him for a second and sighs. "If you're not joking... go change."

He looks at his be and thinks, 'I hope he's joking. I would hate to burn this bed. I just broke it in. It's got that groove that I like.'

"... Nah. Just kidding, but it was a close thing for a sec'. I take it we're going to be more worried about these guys, than the overbite problem?" he asks.

"For me yes... For you? You'll still help Buffy whenever she patrols. I don't trust her to look out for herself. Too showy. Never gets the job done. I want you to watch her back... And not just her ass. Understand?" he says.

"Loud and clear boss." he replies. 'Still if I'm watching her back, her ass is bound to be in the picture. Win-win.' he thinks. "Henchman huh... Cool."

Sunnydale, SRL Building.

"As you can see sir, it looks like Colonel O'Neill's cousin Stewie, has given us more than we were hopping for, The fighters will be ready in time when Apophis comes calling, but they'll need something to fire if they're going to be of any use." reports Captain Carter into the video conference with General Hammond.

"Good Job SG-1. Myself and the other SG teams will be joining you in a few hours. We'll leave the pilots there to fly the fighters out when they're done. Colonel O'Neill, SG-1, once again good job. Jack you and Captain Carter better come back to the mountain when we arrive. Yo too Teal'C. Dr. Jackson I understand you'll be staying behind to guide us through this ordeal?" asks General Hammond.

"Yes Sir. Dr. Giles has books from the time the Goa'ulds were driven off the planet. I'll be going over those with him. He's leery of letting the books get out of his sight again. After what happened..." replies Danny.

"I understand Dr. Jackson. I would love to meet with Dr. Giles as well when I get there. Would it be possible to arrange a meeting with him?" asks General Hammond.

"I'm sure he won't mind sir." says Danny.

"Good. Good. I'll see you in few hours then SG-1." says General Hammond signing off.

"Looks like we're here for a few more hours, until the General gets in with the other guys. Carter you have until then to try to break Stewie's security." says Jack.

"I don't think that's going to be enough time, sir." she replies.

"Why not Carter?" he asks.

"Well for one the files are protected by an A.I., and I'm sure that it has already alerted Stewie to what I'm trying to do. The fact that he's taken no action tells me, he's not worried about what I can do." she says.

"Isn't that good news?" he asks.

"Not in this case. The A.I. is fighting me every step of the way and the computer is behaving oddly." she explains.

"How so?" he asks.

"Magic circle." says Jenny walking into the office with Willow. "You really shouldn't be doing that. Our wards are just there to keep you away. When you get through those, Stewie's security measures will kick in. And those can be lethal. They may not kill you, now that you're a sister, but they sure as heck will hurt."

"What do you mean magic circle?" Sam asks Jenny.

"I'm a tech-no pagan. I mix magic and technology. Willow here is my apprentice. It's an exciting new field. Would you like to join us. It's time for Willow and I to practice, would you like to join us?" she asks.


"You're having a hard time adjusting aren't you?" asks Jenny.


"Come on. Willow and I will be gentle." she says.

"Can I watch?" Jack asks.

"No." says Jenny leading the unresisting Captain Carter to most of her foundation yanked from under her.

"Poor Sam." says Danny watching as the girls lead her away.

"You think she'll be okay Danny?" Jack asks his friend.

"... No not really, but what choice does she have? She wants to know, and this way, if they're faking it, she'll be able to catch them at it." Danny tells him. "At least it's a subject she's familiar with." he adds with a chuckle.

"You're right. Come on." he says.

"Where we going?" Danny asks.

"Game room. He's got the biggest wall to wall T.V. screen I've ever seen, and it's connected to this tricked out gaming console. I'd bet he also has the latest Simpsons available. I'm a little behind." says Jack dragging Danny behind.

Danny goes along, without too much prompting. There wasn't much else to do until his appointment with Giles.

Work in progress...
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