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Stewie can do better.

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Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628618751,35630 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

You said what to my mother? Prepare to die...

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Check previous disclaimers.

*Mental conversation*



Solar system, Klorel's Mothership, Pel'tak.




Xander and SG-1 are on the Pel'tak, the bridge of the Goa'uld Ha'tak.

"Sam?" says Jack.

"Sir?" replies Sam, still unable to say Jack.

"Were you able to put enough C4 around this ship to make a dent?" he asks.

"We placed charges where they should generate secondary explosions. So.. yes, sir. Should make a helluva dent." she replies.

"Thank you Captain." he tells her.

"Given enough time, I might be able to figure out..." she adds, but Jacks stops her.

"Negative. We should expect some of their reinforcements through that door any second. Stand by to detonate your charges on my order." says Jack.

"Yes, sir." she reluctantly replies.

"Wait..." says Danny.

"Daniel, if we don't stop them now, we may never stop them." says Jack.

"Yeah, I know that." replies Danny.

He pulls out another block of C4 and places around the front of the pel'tak.

"Let's just make as big a dent as possible. Okay?" Danny tells Jack, as he sets the timer.

"Um, I still have all my C4..." says Xander, checking his pack.

"Keep it with you. We may need them later." says Jack.

"So like you you don't want to share... It's kinda heavy..." Xander tells Jack with a smirk.

Jack gives him the look that says he doesn't buy the act.

"Weren't you the one who threw Teal'C across the gym yesterday?" Jack asks the slacker.

"Yeah, but he still won the match." replies Xander.

"Ready and awaiting your order, sir." says Sam.

"Okay. Well, I suppose now is the time for me to say something profound." says Jack, he pauses to think of something to say. "Nothing comes to mind. Let's do it."

"A man of no words. I like it." says Xander, as he sees Teal'c looks out of the viewscreen. "What's up big guy?" he asks.

"Xander-Harris, O'Neill. Apophis' ship approaches." says Teal'C.

"We overheard in the Gate room he said he would rejoin Klorel once they came out of the shadows." says Danny.

"Teal'c, if we can knock out this ship, will it stop them?" Jack asks the former Jaffa.

"It will not. Apophis' vessel is equipped with defense shields. He will still be able to destroy your cities from high above." Teal'C tells Jack.

Jaffa start to bang on the door.

"Tell me those C4 charges are on automatic timer." Jack asks Sam.

"They're on automatic timer." Sam confirms.

"Good, how long do we have?" he asks.

"24 hours." she tells him.

"24 hours?!" asks Jack, waiting for an explanation.

"At the time, sir, I thought we were still light years away." Sam confesses.

The Jaffa continue to bang.

"Just a minute!" says Jack.

Jack turns to Teal'c.

"Teal'c, work with me buddy. Is there any other way outta here?" Jack asks Teal'C.

"None." replies Teal'C.

The doors start to open.

"Cover up. This is turning out to be a bad day." says Jack.

Xander takes cover and gets ready. They start to fire.

One of the jaffa throws a metal ball inside and a bright light comes from it. SG-1 collapse in pain. Xander takes the pain, he's able to hold on. He fakes his unconsciousness. He can hear and smell the Jaffa that enter Pel'tak. Some one shouts orders, but his hearing is out, the shock grenade did a job on his ears. His nose on the other hand, can smell a different story.

Several hands grab his body, and drag him out of the room. He tries to peak, but he doesn't see anything. 'Shit. I'm blind. I can't see a thing. I can feel my eyelids, there no damage. I hope it's a temporary thing. I would hate having to regrow my eyes. I'm not sure how long that would take. The others are still out. I think... I guess the old bitch left me more of a gift than the watered down crap, Stewie gives everyone else. I know that I'm at least twice as strong as Teal'C. I still can't believe he can throw me around the mat like that. That guy really...really knows his shit, but at least, training with him doesn't hurt anywhere near the torture Stewie puts me through.'

A few minutes later he's put in a room, the Jaffa dump the others and his hearing recovers enough to hear the thumps their bodies make, when they're thrown into this room. The Jaffa leave. He can smell them, as they leave. He, and SG-1 were the only occupants. He stays where he is for a few minutes to make sure no one comes back.

He moves to each of them and checks them out. He can't feel any damage anywhere. He doesn't smell any burns, either. But then, he didn't get burned himself. 'Thank God. They're okay, just out. Man who thought Stewie's training was on the up and up. All that shock training he's put me through, was worth it. No way I'm telling him that. I so don't want to see what he'll come up with next to to top. He so can that... that... terror puke.'

He makes sure Sam, Danny, Jack and Teal'C are comfortable and waits for them to come around.

ten minutes later the others begin to stir.

'Looks like they're about to come out of it.' he thinks.

*Are you there? Xander answer me damn you!* come Stewie's mental shout.

*Hey! hey! Hey! Ease up. You so... Don't have to shout. where are you?* Xander asks.

*I'm on my way towards one of the ships you're on. There appears to be two of them. Report! Now!* commands Stewie.

Xander tells Stewie everything he saw and what he went through. He's able to share everything from images to feelings to data he doesn't even know he knows. Stewie drains him dry.

*Very well. Get the other up. What ever distraction they can come up with would be welcome. I'll deal with these delusional snakes and their God complex.* says Stewie, as he leaves Xander's mind alone.



Solar system, Klorel's Mothership, Holding cell.




Teal'c sits up. "O'Neill?" he says.

A hand reaches up to his shoulder and feels his face.

"Teal'c… Ahh. Teal'c, I can't see." says Jack.

"I am blinded as well. It will pass." confirms Teal'C.

"Yeah well that's 'cause Teal'c angry relatives threw a grenade that put you guys out like a light. Nasty shit... let me tell you... My eye sight's still blurry, but you guys should be okay in a few minutes." says Xander.

"What the hell was that? And how come it didn't affect you like the rest of us?" Jack asks.

"A Goa'uld shock grenade. Though extremely painful, its effects are temporary." explains Teal'C.

"That's good to hear." Jack says to Teal'C. "And you..." he says to Xander, "I'm still waiting..." says Jack, as he puts his hand down behind him which happens to be on Sam's face. She bites him, hard.

"Ow! God! Ow!" he yells, as Xander laughs.

"Colonel? Sorry, sir. It's just so dark." says Sam.

"Oh, Carter! It's all right. I like your attitude." he tells her.

"It isn't dark. We're blind. And we failed." says Danny.

"No we didn't." says Xander.

"You mind explaining. I'm still waiting." Jack tells Xander. "And take it easy Daniel. We've been in worse situations than this."

"Not to my knowledge." says Teal'C.

"Thanks Teal'c." says Jack.

"It's okay. I just heard from Stewie, and he's out there. He wants us to create whatever, mayhem we can, as a distraction." says Xander.

"How? Right now, they're getting ready to wipe out the major cities of Earth. They'll do it from orbit, out of reach. What does Stewie think he can do with six tiny fighters against what these Ha'taks?" asks Danny.

"Daniel..." says Jack.

"Jack, I've already been through this once before. I've seen this before." says Danny.

"Daniel, will you relax? You've been through it before and you survived. We're just having a bad day. And you..." he says to Xander, "How did Stewie contact you all the way out here?" Jack asks.

*Like this.* says Xander after a bit of exertion. He was getting better at this mental communication stuff, but he's only done this with three people so far. Stewie, Willow and Marcie.

"How the hell did you just do that?" asks Jack.

*You've always had the ability, you just didn't know you had it. Stewie took a while to discover it. It's a Pack thing.* he explains. He concentrates at Jack and guides him through he exercises he needs to go through to reach him on his own.

*... Like this...* Jack asks.

*Yeppers. Looks like you're a fast hand at this mental crap.* Xander congratulates him on his success.

"That's... Just... Freak-y." says Jack outloud.

"Isn't it?" Xander tells him with a smirk.

"Colonel, I think I'm starting to see something." says Sam.

"My sight returns as well." adds Teal'C.

"Now that's what I wanna hear. Carter, if someone comes in here, you bite `em in the hand.

"Yes, sir." Sam replies with a smile on her face.

Jack gets up. "Alright. Xander I want you teach everyone how to do this mind... thing. I have a feeling that's, just gonna be, oh so handy. And while you're at it, you might as well tell us what Stewie had to say, and what the hell's going on?"

"'Kay." says Xander.


Solar system, Klorel's Mothership, Sarcophagus Room.




A jaffa places the dead body of Skaara in the sarcophagus. The lid closes. A young jaffa turns to another jaffa. It is Bra'tac, but his head is covered.

"Tal kree, shak!" says Bra'tac.

"Forgive me, master. I will not fail Klorel again." says the young Jaffa.

"No. You will not." agrees Bra'tac, as he lifts his zat and zats him twice, killing him.


Solar system, Apophis' Mothership.




Bra'tac rings into the ship.

"Kel Klorel?" asks Apophis.

"Your son was struck down by the humans on Klorel's vessel." reports Bra'tac.

"He has been placed in his sarcophagus?" Apophis asks Bra'tac.

"Yes my Lord, but his wounds were great. It will take time to revive him." says Bra'tac.

"What of the humans?" asks Apophis.

"I thought to wait until Klorel..." Bra'tac starts to say.

"No! Execute them now!" says Apophis overriding him.

"I will see to it myself." Bra'tac assures him.

Bra'tac rings off again.

Apophis stands on the pel'tac. A jaffa is standing next to him.

"We hold our position. The humans of this world still send no challenge." says the Jaffa.

"Yet they find their way to my son. We will attack their world when Klorel has risen again. They will pay a hundredfold for their insolence." Apophois tells his Jaffa.

"Kel sha, Apophis." yells the Jaffa, he turns around and leaves the room.



The Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado, SGC, Control Room.




General Hammond comes down the stairs and spots Samuels. "What the hell are you doing here?" he asks.

"Reporting for duty, sir. I'm to co-ordinate with the Pentagon." says Samuels.

"By whose order?" asks General Hammond.

"The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. At the request of Senator Kinsey. He did try to contact you." says Samuels.

"Maybe you can tell me why our forces haven't gone on full alert? If we don't get our assets moving now, they'll be caught on the ground." asks General Hammond.

"The current thinking at the Pentagon is to do nothing that would alert the Goa'uld we know they're there." says Samuels.

"Let me guess whose bright idea that was." says General Hammond.

"General Hammond, may I speak freely? I know I seem to have lost your respect, sir, for whatever reason, but we wouldn't be in this situation, that is, at the brink of war with the Goa'uld, if you had heeded my advice and buried the Stargate in the first place." says Samuels.

"Was that "I told you so" Colonel Samuels?" asks General Hammond, with a slight almost sub vocal growl.

Colonel Samuels swallows, before responding, "I'm not here to point fingers. Sir. I'm here to co-ordinate our pre-emptive strike against the Goa'uld ships. That's if the President approves. The Joint Chiefs are briefing him now."

"And with what do you intend to strike?" asks General Hammond.

"A new weapon, sir. I've helped to oversee its development at Area 51 with Colonel Maybourne. Two prototypes are being prepared for launch at Vandenberg Air Force base as we speak. If all goes well, history should mark this day by two brilliant and unexplained flashes in the night sky. The world should never know how close we came to Armageddon." explains Samuels.


The Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado, SGC, Briefing Room.




General Hammond and Colonel Samuels head to the briefing room. Samuels takes a moment to setup before, leading the briefing.

"The Goa'uld's unexplained delay is buying us the necessary time to prepare. We'll launch a strike as soon as they enter orbit." he explains.

"What makes this weapon of yours so special?" asks General Hammond.

"An otherwise ordinary Mark 12-A warhead has been enriched by the alien material, naqahdah." reports Samuels.

"The Stargate element?" asks General Hammond.

"Yes sir. As you know, a small amount of the raw ore was found by SG-5 and brought back some months ago. The warheads should now yield in excess of 1000 megatons... each. We call them our Goa'uld busters. Our plan is to launch two rockets simultaneously into retrograde orbit. Now, the naqahdah-enriched warheads themselves are made of the same material as our stealth aircraft and should go undetected by their radar." explains Samuels.

"Assuming the Goa'uld have anything remotely like radar." says General Hammond with a sad sigh.

"It's our best shot, sir. And I'm sure the President agrees or he wouldn't have initiated countdown. Currently we stand at T minus three hours. We'll hold at two minutes while the Goa'uld come within range. It's going to work Sir. The Goa'uld should be taken completely off guard." says Samuels.

"If you're wrong, every country on Earth will be caught off guard. If it were up to me, I'd strongly recommend ..." begins General Hammond.

"With respect, sir, it's not up to you." says Samuels cutting him off.



Solar system, Klorel's Mothership, Holding cell.






Teal'c is looking for ways to escape, while the rest of the SG-1 and Xander continue with their mind lessons. Xander found out early on that he could barely sense Teal'C, and every time he tries to contact him, something blocks the connection. Teal'C figures it was the sleeping symbiont.

*Well on the bright side, my hand isn't blurry any more.* says Danny.

Their enhanced hearing pick up footsteps coming their way.

"Teal'c?" asks Jack.

The shadow of a Serpent Guard can be seen. Jack and Teal'c move to either side of the door. The door starts to open and Jack signals to Sam, Daniel and Xander to stay where they are. The Guard walks in with his helmet open and we see it is Bra'tac.

"Bra'tac?" says Jack in surprise.

"Bless you." Xander says to Jack, who just gives him the look that says 'shut-up'.

Bra'tac lifts his arm and strikes Jack on the nose. Jack catches his hand before it connects. He looks at Bra'tac's hand in surprise.

"Oh, God!" says Jack.

Bra'tac is not impressed. "Fools! Hashak! You doom yourselves. It is all I can do to keep you alive. Do you know all I have done to regain the trust of Apophis and join this campaign? Hmm? Hmm?" he asks.

"Tek matte, Bra'tac." says Teal'C.

"Hello again, old friend. Your son grows strong. One day, he will be a great warrior. But you should not have come." Bra'tac tells Teal'C.

"I stand by my friends. I have seen that this world may be our only hope in one day overcoming the false gods." Teal'C tells him.

"Yes. As pathetic as that might seem at the moment, I agree." replies Bra'tac.

"You do?" asks Danny.

"I may have even been able to save this world had you not interfered." says Bra'tac.

"Don't need it. We can save ourselves." says Xander.

"Who is this foolish young one?" asks Bra'tac.

"This is Xander-Harris. He is a true warrior, who has faced monster and demons that would inspire nightmares in the Goa'ulds themselves." introduces Teal'C.

"This stripling?" asks Bra'tac.

"Yes." Teal'C tells him with a simple nod.

"Enough. I have been ordered by Apophis himself to execute you. An order I intend to disregard. Come!" says Bra'tac.



The Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado, SGC, Control Room.




General Hammond is looking at a computer screen of the two motherships.

"They still haven't moved from this position?" he asks.

"No, sir. Not for the last eighteen hours." reports Davis.

"What in God's name are they waiting for?" he asks.

"My mission analysis team at the Pentagon believes they're waiting to see what moves we make. Amazingly, neither the Russians nor the Chinese have detected the Goa'uld presence yet. Of course, they're not looking. So, from space, we should appear to be a vulnerable and unsuspecting world." says Samuels.

"Got `em just where you want `em, do you Samuels?" he asks.

"Sir, there may be another reason why they haven't attacked. WE just completed the computer enhancement. There was an energy burst; coming from what we think may be the bridge of one of the ships, recorded at 1750 hours. Just before they stopped." says Davis.

Davis shows Hammond and Samuels the flash, probably from the shock grenade.

"That's it?" asks Samuels.

"For all we know that flash, whatever it was, could be part of the ships normal function." says General Hammond.

"Except that the burst came from within the ship itself, sir, and it was fairly powerful." reports Davis.

"Maybe an explosion? An accident?" asks Samuels.

"Or sabotage?" asks General Hammond.

"SG-1." suggests Davis.

"I hardly think so. For one thing, it's impossible to gate to a ship. Forgive me, sir, I know how important SG-1 is to you but this is wishful thinking." says Samuels.

"So's your plan, Colonel. That hasn't stopped us from going ahead with it." replies General Hammond.

"General Hammond, sir, the first group on the Alpha list has just arrived." says Davis.

"Thank you." replies General Hammond.


Solar system, Klorel's Mothership, Gate Room.




A jaffa gets SG-1's weapons out of a crate and hands them to Bra'tac.

"Here are you weapons. You will need them." says Bra'tac.

"Um, Bra'tac, you mentioned something about saving the world. Care to elaborate on that?" asks Jack.

"By assaulting Klorel, you have made that impossible." Bra'tac replies.

"Why?" asks Danny.

"Among the Goa'uld, a pharaoh's power is more often challenged by their son's than by their enemies. Once we had joined battle with your world, I was prepared to lead my wing against Apophis, in Klorel's name." explains Bra'tac.

"Apophis would assume your attack was ordered by Klorel and reciprocate. A daring plan." says Teal'C admiring his old mentor's audacity.

"I had hoped to drive a stake of mistrust between them. Now I fear they will bond against their common enemy." sighs Bra'tac at the missed opportunity.

"What bond? Klorel's dead." asks Jack.

"He will rise again." Bra'tac tells him.

"The sarcophagus." guesses Danny.

"Wait a minute. You put him in that thing to bring him back?" asks Jack.

"You mean these guys can come back from the dead? Why the hell didn't you just Zat him three times?" asks Xander.

"I wasn't thinking about it. It was bad enough I had to kill him in the first place." explains Jack.

"I knew it would delay the attack until he arose. Perhaps when the warships of your world attack…" replies Bra'tac.

"Uh, excuse me, did you say the warships of our world?" asks Sam.

"Surely you have such vessels?" asks Bra'tac.

"Well, we have a number of... of… fighters... I think they're on their way already. That's what Stewie promised right?" Danny asks Xander.

"Yeah. That and a surprise." confirms Xander.

"These fighters... they are a formidable craft?" asks Bra'tac.

"Oh yeah. But there's only six of them. Yeah. Bad day." says Jack.

"Hey. Don't forget the surprise." Xander tells Jack.

"What kind of surprise does he have? What's he gonna do? Pull a rabbit out of his ass?" asks Jack.

"Well, um... maybe not that... But I'm sure they have some ritual, or spell that'll repel the snake-y critters." says Xander.

"Are you out of your mind?!" shouts Jack. "What the hell kind of spell is gonna stand up to that?" he asks Xander.

"I don't understand? What is this talk of... spells?" asks Bra'tac.

"Something of the ancients survives on the motherworld." says Teal'C. "I have felt it's touch. It is a subtle thing. Xander-Harris will your Lord Stewie Summers be able to marshal the necessary powers of the ancients to repel this invasion?" Teal'C asks Xander.

"I don't know. But when we talked while you guys were in La-La land, he sounded like he had an action plan. He just didn't tell me what? He wants us to make with the general mayhem and destruction, so I say we do that and let him do the rest." Xander explains.


The Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado, SGC, Gate Room..




General Hammond stands in front of the Gate talking to a group of people.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, as you have all been made aware…" he begins his speech.

"Chevron 4 encoded." says Davis in the background.

"…this nation, the entire world, faces a deadly threat." General Hammond continues with his speech.

"Chevron 5 encoded."

"With this knowledge, you have all volunteered for a mission intended to preserve human kind. You've been chosen because you represent the best we have in all fields of expertise." General Hammond continues.

"Chevron 6 encoded."

"What you have not yet been told, for reasons of security, is where you're going or how you're going to get there." General Hammond explains while the gate dials behind him.

"Chevron 7 locked." announces Davis.

The Gate engages.

"You're going to step through that. Once through the Stargate, you will find yourself on the opposite side of the galaxy. A place we call Alpha site. If we do not prevail, you, and those that follow, will call it… home. A new colony. Godspeed." he says, as he salutes them.


Solar system, Klorel's Mothership, Sarcophagus Room.




The sarcophagus opens and Klorel rises.

"Kel mak tak, Tau'ri! Let us burn their world to ashes!" says Klorel.



The Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado, SGC, Control Room.




"They're moving." reports Davis.

Samuels is on the phone. He says, "Restart the countdown. Hold at T minus 20 seconds. We'll launch the weapons the moment they settle into orbit."



Solar system, Klorel's Mothership, Gate Room.




"We accelerate. Klorel has risen." says Teal'C.

"Then the campaign has begun. Once we launch, we will do what damage we can." says Bra'tac.

"How many in your wing?" asks Jack.

"Three." says Bra'tac.

"Three?" asks Jack, not believing his ears.

"Teal'c makes four." Bra'tac corrects himself.

"Oh well, four." says Jack sarcastically. It's wasted on the old Jaffa Master.

"I have trained these warriors since they were Chal'tii. They have sworn their lives to me. It is no simple thing to ask." Bra'tac tells Jack.

"And we appreciate it, believe me. But what are the odds of taking out a ship like this… with four gliders and… maybe six fighters?" asks Jack.

"A Goa'uld attack vessel is heavily armed, shielded, and capable of launching a legion of Death Gliders against us. I would say slim, but I have seen the reports on the fighters, and would guess they will put up a good fight against the Death Gliders." Teal'C tells him.

"Okay, call me a pessimist, but I think it's time for a new plan." says Jack.

"We offer to lay down our lives for your world, human. You cannot ask more." says Bra'tac.

"No, I can't. But I think a better idea is to get the other guys to lay down their lives for their world first, hm?" says Jack.

"Quoting Patton Jack... I like it. What do you have in mind?" Xander asks.

"Always go with the classics." says Jack, as he turns to Sam. "How long before the C4 goes?" he asks.

"41 minutes, sir." she replies.

"Okay, with any luck at all, this ship is gonna blow within the hour. It might be a good idea for us to get to the other one. Can you do that?" Jack asks Bra'tac.





The Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado, SGC, Control Room.




Samuels is still on the phone. He says, "That's it. They're in a geo-synchronous orbit over the United States. Lock in that attack profile and advise the President we are go for launch."

On a computer screen the two missiles launch. General Hammond, Samuels and Davis move to another screen where it shows the progress of the two missiles.

"Vandenberg reports a good launch." reports Davis.

"Yes! I'm sorry sir. For what it's worth, I seriously doubt SG-1 is aboard those alien ships." Samuels says with glee.

"Weapons should reach their targets in..four minutes." says Davis.

"In the meantime, let's keep moving these people through to the Alpha site." orders General Hammond.

"Group nine, prepare to disembark." announces Davis.

"Sir, we might as well wait and see the result of our strike before moving more people through." says Samuels with confidence.

"I don't think so." replies General Hammond.

"Evacuation may be unnecessary." Samuels tries again.

"From your mouth to God's ears, Colonel." says General Hammond, sending up a quick prayer.


Solar system, Klorel's Mothership, Hall.






"Have you more of this 4-C?" asks Bra'tac.

"It's called C4." says Jack.

"And the answer is yes. We still have Xander's stash." says Sam.

Bra'tac moves into another room. Xander and SG-1 follow.





The Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado, SGC, Control Room.




"The warheads have separated. One minute to go." reports Samuels.

"Any indication of countermeasures?" asks General Hammond.

"I don't think they're gonna know what hit 'em." replies Samuels.


Solar system, Apophis' Mothership.




"My lord, they launch weapons against us." reports a Jaffa.

"Let them come." says Apophis.





The Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado, SGC, Control Room.




"30 seconds to impact. Still no countermeasures." reports Davis.

"Go, go." prays Samuels




Solar system, Klorel's Mothership.






Klorel is on the pel'tak watching the warheads approach. He places his hand on the console to activate the shields but pauses.

"Their weapons approach, my lord. You must activate the shield." says a Jaffa.




Solar system, Apophis' Mothership.




"Klorel, tal shak! Tal shak!" says Apophis.




Solar system, Klorel's Mothership.






Klorel is still struggling with Skarra to activate the shields.



The Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado, SGC, Control Room.




"Impact in seven, six, five..." reports Davis.




Solar system, Klorel's Mothership.






Suddenly Klorel's eyes glow and he activates the shield. He wins the battle with Skarra. The missiles impact the shields. SG1 are walking along a corridor and feel the impact.

"Whoa, what was that?" asks Danny.

"Something may have impacted the shields." guesses Teal'C.



The Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado, SGC, Control Room.




"Space Command say the warheads struck some kind of energy field just prior to impact. No damage." reports Davis.

"That's impossible!" Samuels cries out.

"NASA confirms sir, the Goa'uld ships are still up there." reports Davis from his station.




Solar system, Klorel's Mothership.








SG1, Bra'tac and a couple of Jaffa creep along the corridor. Suddenly a zat blast is fired at them. Jack drops low and fires at the first Jaffa, rolls over and shoots the second.

"Not bad. The pel'tak is two decks above. This way!" says Bra'tac.



The Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado, SGC, General Hammond's office.




General Hammond is on the phone talking to the President.

"Yes sir, the EMP caused by the explosion has already affected our satellite communications. It will be difficult to warn the general public in time to do anything but cause mass panic. Mr President, I strongly recommend that we maintain the highest defense condition at this time and you should board Air Force One. Yes, sir." General Hammond advises the president.


Solar system, Apophis' Mothership.




Klorel rings in.

"Klorel, it is time. You will burn their first city to the ground." Apophis tells his son.

"Father, the host you chose for me is strong. I fear I may need more time in the sarcophagus to gain strength." confesses Klorel.

"You are strong enough! You are my son!" Apophis commands his son.

"Yes, Father." replies Klorel.

"Do not disappoint me." he commands Klorel.

Klorel rings back to his ship.



Solar system, Klorel's Mothership.




SG-1 move along the corridor and stop.

"Looks clear." says Jack.

"No. There are sentries in every corridor." Bra'tac tells him.

"Carter, how many grenades?" asks Jack all business.

"Two left." she replies.

"Grenades?" Bra'tac asks Teal'C.

"A crude explosive device." explains Teal'C.

"No! Observe…and learn." says Bra'tac.

Bra'tac walks along the corridor normally and passes two guards. They reach for their zats until they realize it is Bra'tac and Bra'tac carries on walking. He then turns and strikes the guards with his staff weapon until they are unconscious.

"Hmm." he says to Jack.

"Not bad." Jack concedes.




The Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado, SGC, Control Room.




General Hammond walks into the control room to be met by a female technician.

"General Hammond, sir. Major Castleman reports Alpha teams 12 and 13 are briefed and ready to disembark." says Turner.

"Send them through." he tells her.

Samuels has been sitting with a cup of coffee and gets up when he sees General Hammond walk in.

"General. Maybe we should consider using the Stargate as a strategic weapons platform." says Samuels.

"How?" asks General Hammond.

"By sending a bomb to the co- ordinates that Dr Jackson was talking about. Or to Chulak." says Samuels.

"We already tried to send a team through to Dr Jackson's co- ordinates, it won't work. And I can't think of any military reason to wipe out the people of Chulak." says General Hammond.

"Well sir, since I am no longer wanted or needed here, I respectfully request permission to join one of the teams headed for the Alpha site, at least there…" begins Samuels.

"Permission denied. The idea is to send the best and brightest, Colonel. When the time comes, you will stand alongside the men and women of this command, in defense of this facility." General Hammond tells him.

"But sir!" complains Samuels.

"I ask no more or less of myself. Dismissed!" says General Hammond.




Solar system, Klorel's Mothership.




SG-1 come to a halt outside a room.

"All right, here's what we do…" says Jack.

"I will lead. You will follow." Bra'tac tells him.

"Right." Jack concedes.

Bra'tac signals to the Jaffa in his wing and they walk on ahead.

"You will know when it is time." says Bra'tac.

"Whoa. You're just gonna walk in there alone?" asks Danny.

"I am Klorel's loyal servant." replies Bra'tac.



Solar system, Klorel's Mothership, Pel'tak.




Bra'tac enters.

"Bra'tac." says Klorel.

"My lord, Klorel." says Bra'tac.

"Come. Witness the power of your god." says Klorel.

"I cannot." says Bra'tac.

"Why do you defy me?" asks Klorel.

"Because you are not a god. You are a parasite within a child and I despise you." Bra'tac tells him.

"Jaffa, kree tai! I am your god!" shouts Klorel. He raises his hand device, and says, "And you will feel my wrath!"

"I… die….free!" Bra'tac strugles to say.

In the corridor Jack orders the troops to move. "Let's go! Daniel, watch our backs!"

Sam hands Daniel her MP5 and Jack, Sam and Teal'c go in firing. Xander does the same with 'The Shovel.' He blasts two of the Jaffa guards knocking them off their feet.

They take down the jaffa guards, and the two guards in Bra'tac's wing shoot a few more jaffa with their staff weapons until they are shot themselves. Jack, Sam and Xander sweep the room and take out the remaining jaffa while Teal'c moves to Klorel and Bra'tac. Teal'c grabs his arm and restrains him.

"Jaffa, tal shak!" shouts Klorel. Two more jaffa come round the corner, but Daniel shoots them.

"Jack!" shouts Danny.

Another jaffa comes around the corner and gets a shot on Daniel, he dodges and returns fire.

Jack comes back from the pel'tak and finds Daniel under fire, he hepls him out and together they go back into the pel'tak.

"Come." orders Bra'tac.

Bra'tac, Jack, Sam, Teal'c, Danny, Klorel and Xander move to the rings and ring over to Apophis' ship.


Earth Orbit, SS-JS.




"We're in position." reports Major Ferretti.

"Tell the fighters to hang back a bit." orders Stewie. "Donald, keep us on the far side of Apophis' ship, when Klorel's ship blows I want Apophis' shields taking the brunt of the blast."

"Yesss Sirrr." replies Robo Donald Duck.

"Are the troops ready?" he asks the Donald.

"Aye, Aye Sirrr." replies Donald with a salute.

"Aura get Major Ferretti and his men into proper armor." he commands the Cordette.

"What's wrong with what I've got on?" asks Major Ferretti.

"Will it stop a plasma blast?" asks Stewie.

"Um, no..." replies Major Ferretti.

"Aura's armor will." Stewie tells him.

"But she looks like a Star Wars trooper." he complains.

"And yet, she'll live, if she gets hit by a plasma blast." Stewie tells him. "The decision to put it on is up to you Major."

Major Ferretti grumbles, but he follows Aura, to get his men into the white armor. 'At least I'll be a white hat.' he thinks. 'I just hope I don't get killed as fast as one of the 'Troopers.'

"How about us dear? Do you want us in armor too?" asks Joyce brimming with excitement.

"There should be no need mother. You and Dawn are perfectly safe." Stewie tells her.

"Then how come you're in a mini Vader outfit?" asks Dawn.

"Be quite you ninny." Stewie growls.

"Moooommm." whines Dawn.

"Stewie, stop calling your sister names. I think we should get some armor as well. How about you Rupert?" she asks Giles.

"I, I, I don't think so. Jenny Willow and myself need to be free, should our services be needed." he replies.

"My hero." deadpans Jenny.

"Miss Calendar, how are we proceeding?" he asks.

"The Combat A.I have been loaded. They slowly invading his computer systems. I can't believe something this sophisticated has such piss poor protection." she reports.

"Excellent." he tells her. "Willow, how's Marcie doing?" he asks.

"She's complaining about being strapped down like a guinea pig, that's about to go under the knife." reports Willow.

"Preposterous. I would never do such a thing to my stealth systems." Stewie informs her.

Willow believes him. He would never knowingly damage any of his toys. "I'll try and get her to relax." she says.

"You do that." says Stewie, putting the whole thing behind him.

*Now Xander!* he commands the henchman.





Solar system, Apophis' Mothership.




SG-1 ring in and Apophis holds back his Jaffa.

"Kree, Jaffa!" shouts Apophis.

"Come. Come. Come!" shouts Bra'tac.

"If you fire upon us, I will kill Klorel!" says Teal'C.

*Now Xander.* orders Stewie.

Xander follows orders and throws a device on the floor, a Stewie Hologram pops up.


Earth Orbit, SS-JS.




"Bra'tac, how dare you betray me?" says Apophis, he has yet to see Stewie.

"I have spent one hundred and thirty three years worshiping false gods. No more!" shouts Bra'tac.

He fires his staff weapon on the steering console and then moves off with SG-1. Teal'c pushes Klorel back into the room as they leave the room.

Teal'c fires on the door mechanism from the outside.

"What the hell did you do?" Jack asks Xander.

"Stewie wanted a showdown with Apophis. They're going to do a pissing contest. It's all good Jack. Willow's taping the whole thing. I'll get you a copy." says Xander as he follows Bra'tac out.

Jack doesn't have a reply ready. His mouth hangs open.

"Colonel, the C4 on the other ship goes in six minutes." Sam's update brings him back to life.

"How do we blow this ship?" Jack asks Bra'tac.

"When we were on Klorel's vessel, I directed it closer to this one." Bra'tac tells him.

"If we destroy the shield generator of this vessel, both will be destroyed in the explosion. Two birds with but one stone." says Teal'C.

"This way." says Bra'tac again taking the lead.

"How do we get off this crazy ride? Not that I'm worried or anything, but... Y'know..." asks Xander.

"I'm wondering the same thing myself?" replies Jack.


Solar system, Apophis' Mothership, Pel'tak.



The Jaffa try to open the doors.

"You disappoint me, my son." says Apophis ignoring all else.

"Father, please… forgive me." replies Klorel.

"My, my. How touching. Did the lad misbehave. Off with his head." says Stewie laughing maniacally.

*Jenny, be a dear and launch the Gravity twister missile please.* he orders Jenny.

"Who are you child?" Apophis finally asks.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" says Stewie teasing the ego maniacal parasite.

"Stewie! Manners!" scolds Joyce walking into the range of the camera.

"Mother. Can't you see I'm slightly busy at the moment?" asks Stewie.

"there's never an excuse for bad manners Stewie." says Joyce.

Stewie sighs. "Yes Mother."

"This is your Mother... She will make a fine concubine when I destroy your world. Bow down before your God woman!" orders Apophis.

"Oh my." replies Joyce. "What does he mean when he says 'God' Stewie?" she asks.

"Well he's a parasite with delusions of grandeur, but I'll take care of that when I remove him from that poor man he's infesting." Stewie tells his mother.

"How dare you?" shouts Apophis. "I will roast you over a slow open flame as I ravish your mother before your eyes... over, and over, until she cries for mercy from her God."

"You will do what to my mother? Worm for that you will beg me for your death." screams Stewie.



Earth Orbit, Apophis' Mothership, Hangar Bay.


"Are you sure Stewie can handle this?" Jack asks Xander as they run into the Hangar bay.

"Trust me on this Jack. Never cross Stewie. when it comes to pure destruction and sneak-y-ness, that is one bad mama's boy." Xander says laughing his head off. He replace the improved energy clip in 'The Shovel' and continues to fire on every Jaffa in sight.

"Is there anything in there that will carry us all out?" Jack asks Bra'tac.

"The Al’kesh! It's a ship that the Goa'uld use as a medium-range bomber and troop carrier, it will be prepared to bombard your planetary defenses." says Bra'tac.

"Then what are we waiting for? Lead on Mac Duff." says Jack.

"Who is this Mac Duff?" asks Bra'tac.

Xander laughs as he blasts everything in sight. Sam and Danny follow suit.

"This thing is one seriously cool piece of hardware." Sam says to Danny, as she follows Xander's example.

"Tell me about it." Danny replies.

The Al’kesh were heavily defended, but the heavy use of 'The Shovel' clears the way.

Teal'C walks over the body of a fallen Jaffa into the open doors of the Al’kesh. He races into the cockpit and decks the pilot with a swing from 'The Shovel'. 'Most satisfying.' he thinks, as he slips into the seat.

Bra'tac, Xander and SG-1 race in behind him. Xander and Jack cover them, by emptying the energy cells in 'The Shovel.' The doors to the Al'kesh close, and Teal'C quickly takes off. On the way out the ship is a bit wobbly.

"raise up the shields." shouts Bra'tac.

"This thing has shields?! SWEET!!!" says Jack, as he takes his seat. 'I hope Stewie knows what he's doing.' he thinks, as he throws up a quick prayer.




The Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado, SGC, Control Room.




"Sir, Space Command reports the two ships seem to be moving closer together." reports Davis.

"What's the status of the shuttle Endeavor?" asks General Hammond.

"On the pad and standing by." Davis reports again.

"We've got to find out what's going on up there" says General Hammond.

"Sir I have Major Ferretti on line. You're not going to believe where he's calling from?" reports Davis.

"Put him through." he orders. "Major Ferretti, report."

"Sir. I'm with Mr. Summers aboard his private ship the SS-JS. We are currently engaged in taunting the enemy, as well I think He just fired a missile." reports Major Ferretti.

"What about the fighters, Major?" asks General Hammond.

"They're holding back until they have something to shoot at. It would be suicide to send them against the Ha'taks sir." Ferretti tells his commanding officer.

"Sir. You're not going to believe this." shouts Davis.

"What's going on?" he asks.

"One of the ships just disappeared." he reports.

"Major Ferretti?" asks General Hammond.




Earth Orbit, Apophis' Mothership, Hangar Bay.


Teal'C flies the Al'Kesh out of the hangar bay, like a 'bat out of hell.'. The shields bounce the occasional blast that hits the ship as it leaves. once outside they clear the Ha'tak and try to fly out of range of the coming blast.

Out of the side display, they can see Korel's Ha'tak sucked through like a straw from one end, and after a few seconds it re-appears out of the other. It's shot at the other Ha'tak at great speed Both ships collide. The Shields become visible under the tremendous pressure put on them by the collision.

"What the F*CK!" shouts Xander. "Man Stewie... You are one nasty mutha'." he says with a smirk.

"He can't do that? How the hell did he... That's not possible..." says Sam on the edge of nervous breakdown.

"Settle down Carter. You can ask him when we get back. They're still in one piece." Jack orders.

Energy blasts lance through a short distance from the other side of the Ha'tak, and Stewie's ship wavers slightly, and then disappears, but the damage was done the shields on Apophis' Ha'tak go down.

Explosions rock Korel's Ship, but they're not the ship destroying explosions Sam was waiting for.

"Carter?" asks Jack.

"The, the collision must have knocked loose some of the charges, sir." she reports.

"Teal'C, how much fire power does this thing have?" he asks.


Earth Orbit, SS-JS.


"Donald! Begin boarding action!" orders Stewie.

"Yesss, Sirrr!" salutes Donald Duck. "Mickey, you and the boys have go on boarding the ship. GoGoGoGo!"

"You heard that Goofy. Alright everyone. ATTACK!"

"The disney Robot brigade rockets towards the Ha'tak. The enemy, were woefully unprepared for the onslaught.



Earth Orbit, Al'Kesh.




"Carter, see if you can't get us a line to base?" Jack says to Sam.

"Yes, sir." replies Sam. "Master Bra'tac, where's the communications station?" she asks the old Jaffa.

Bra'tac smiles and shows Sam where, and how to use the Al'Kesh comm systems.

After a few tries Sam gets through to the SGC.

"Captain Carter, it's good to hear from you. Are you and SG-1 all right?" asks General Hammond.

"We're all doing fine General, we've managed to liberate an Al'Kesh from Apophis' Fleet. We're going to try and use it to attack Klorel's; that's Apophis son's mothership." she reports.

"I think you should coordinate your efforts with Major Ferretti's fighters Captain." suggests General Hammond.

"Major Ferretti's up here, sir?" asks Jack, coming up behind Sam.

"Yes Colonel, let me get Davis to patch him through... Major Ferretti, are you with us?" asks General Hammond.

"I'm here, sir." reports Major Ferretti. "Mr. Summers just sent in a boarding force to capture Apophis' Ha'tak. They sorta got into a pissing contest, and now Mister Summers wants to hang Aphophis' carcass on top of his mantel. Let me see if I can't get Miss Calender to get us a video connection going..." Major Ferretti falls silent for about a minute.

"Jack I hear Captain Mitchell and his boys are in your neck of the woods, why don't we get them an invite to the party?" asks General Hammond.

"That's a great idea, sir. How do we reach them?" asks Jack.

"God, Jack. Didn't I teach you anything?" asks Xander entering into the conversation. "Hold on I'll get them..."

*Hey Stewie, any chance you can turn Captain Mitchell loose, we sure could use the help?* Xander asks.

*Very well they're all yours. Mitchell get your pilots over to the Al'Kesh, SG-1 could use the help. Xander no more interruptions. I'm on the hunt for a snake.* Stewie tells Xander.

*'Kay. Have a nice one boss.* replies Xander.

"'Kay Jack. Mitchell should be calling, just about now." Xander tells Jack with a smirk.

Jack returns the smile, "Jackass." he says to Xander, but the smile takes away the edge off the insult.

"Colonel O'Neill I hear you're looking for a few good men? Will my Hell-Dogs do?" he asks.

"Your Hell-Dogs are welcome to join in on the fun Captain. Where are you?" he asks.

"Look behind you, sir" replies Mitchell.

Jack checks the rear monitors, six sleek fighters are rapidly gaining on the Al'Kesh and soon overtake the spaceship.

Those fighters are sure a sight for sore eyes." says Jack, as the Hell-Dogs blast away at the damaged Ha'tak.

"Indeed. They are formidable fighter craft O'Neill. Do you have more like them?" asks Bra'tac.

"Yeah. My cousin's kid makes them. He'll have a dozen more in a few days and another squadron ready to fly in another month after that, but for now, That's it." Jack tells him.

"What about the cloaked ship that breached Apophis' shields?" he asks.

"That was a surprise. It looks like Stewie was a little busy." says Jack.

"Yet he still won, O'Neill, and now he's after Apophis himself." Teal'C tells Jack.

"Formidable warlord indeed." says Bra'tac with a hint of approval.

"Sounds like your cousin's son is a formidable warrior?" says Master Bra'tac.

"That he is." confirms Teal'C.

"He cheated!" complains Jack.

Teal'C follows the Hell-Dogs on their attack run. The fighters start to chew up Klorel's mothership. 'This will be a glorious fight.' he thinks.

To be continued...
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