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Stewie can do better.

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Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628618749,95930 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

Attack of the Disney Brigade.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Check previous disclaimers. Mickey Mouse Donald Duck and other Disney characters obviously belong to Disney.

*Mental conversation*


Earth Orbit, SS-JS.




"Stewie, it's good to hear from you again son. I'm glad you had this surprise up your sleeve." General Hammond tells Stewie on the face to face conference.

"As I've already told you General Hammond. This is my home. You don't come into my home dragging whatever detritus behind you, and hope to get away, without paying the price. Now if you'll excuse me..." says Stewie, taking out his modified 'Shovel' he presses rune on the side, it depresses, General Hammond hears a 'click sound' and the 'Shovel' turns to a long sword.

Stewie activates another rune, just as Major Ferretti enters the cabin. 'The Sword', previously known as 'The Shovel' ignites. A blue flame covers the entire blade.

"God Damn. You got a light saber to go with that outfit, and all I got was this lousy blaster..." comments Major Ferretti. "Why is it blue and not red?" he asks.

"I didn't have the time to do your, but 'The Shovel' will turn to a sword if you press the center button and the blaster is still accessible from the handle. As for the color, I couldn't get the right combination in time. When war comes calling you go with what you've got... Not with what you wish for. You should know that Major." explains Stewie.

"I hear you." he replies. "General SG-2 and Stewie's secretarial pool will be joining the assault on Apophis' mothership. Do you have a wish list of your own, sir?" he asks General Hammond.

"No Major Ferretti. My prayer go with you and your men..." says General Hammond. "Did I hear you correctly Major... the secretarial pool?" he asks.

"You've met the girls already, sir. They'll do fine." he replies.

"Ha. They'll do a lot better than fine. I've trained those girls myself." says Stewie as he leaves the cabin to join his Barbie Gladiators. "It's time to teach a certain snake a lesson in manners. What do you think Major... snake skin boots...?" he asks with a chilling laugh.




Earth Orbit, Apophis' Mothership, Hangar Bay.




Mickey Mouse led the assault. He was flanked by Goofy on one side and Aladdin on his anti-gravity powered flying carpet on the other.

"Hewey, Dewey, Louie, cover the left flank. Aladdin go high. They're going to concentrate their fire on you, make sure to let the carpet soak it up." says Mickey Mouse to his troops.

"C'mon boys. Let's show these snakes what we can do." says Louie.

"Right with you Louie." says Dewey, as he fires his blaster rifle at a partially hidden Jaffa.

"Eat H.E. grenades you lousy mothers." yells Huey.

"Huey! watch the potty mouth. If my sister Della ever hears that you boys are using this kind of language she'll hang me from the rafters." says Donald, as he fires a rocket Launcher.

"Boys. Fly up, and cover Aladdin, make sure to stay behind the mystical flying carpet." orders Mickey.

"I thought it was powered by anti-gravity field?" Dewey asks Louie, as he engages his own anti-gravity field to fly up behind the carpet.

"It is." answers Louie.

"Then why...?" he asks.

"Don't ask silly question during combat soldier." replies Louie, as he lays down covering fire from a belt fed grenade launcher.

Ludwig Von Drake and Scrooge McDuck stay on the ground providing covering fire. Their assault on the Al'kesh bay was almost over. The ten foot Robo Duck clan's job was to take out the Hangar bays. Any fighter that got away, would be their responsibility. They would fly after it and destroy it before it could make a nuisance of itself.

The Robo Mickey Mouse club brigade's Job was to go straight to the bridge. They have the backing of the Robo Goofy company. Stewie leads this force straight to the pel'tak. SG-2 and The Cordettes were sticking to his six like glue, but he still manages to get ahead of them.

"C'mon girls." shouts Harmony. "He's getting away. Hurry." she adds.

"Right behind you Harm." replies Aura. "Man Cordelia's like missing out on the best adventure ever." she says to Kate.

"Yeah, but she's like on some french beach, with life guards all over her." replies Amy.

"How about we go visit after we're done here?" asks Kate.

"Hey yeah, like that's a great idea Kate. We could hit Paris for some shopping after that." replies Harmony. "I've got a company Card." she tells the girls.

"Oh baby. Come on girls let get this over as quickly as possible. I so want a shot at that unlimited card. Bet I can make a dent in it." says Joy.

"Are you girls fer real?" asks Major Ferretti. "You're talking about shopping at a time like this?" he asks.

"Come 'Lou Honey' loosen up. I'll take you with, when we go to the Riviera. I'll even wear that thong you like" says Amy.

Major Lou Ferretti gets a quick flashback of Amy in her thong, and shuts up. Come on boys We've got mothership to capture." he says to SG-2.

It doesn't fool anyone. They all saw Amy at the pool in her thong. They knew what the old dog has on his mind, and it's not the mothership.


Earth Orbit, Apophis' Mothership, Hangar Bay.




"A couple of Death Gliders got away uncle Ludwig." reports the ten foot tall Robo Louie.

"Well. What are you boys waiting for. Go after them." orders Ludwig Von Drake.

"Yes, sir." says Louie with a salute.

"C'mon guys. Let's get those bastards." he shouts.

"BOYS!" yells Donald.

"But unca' Donald. this is war." replies Louie.

"I don't care. You watch the potty mouth or else." replys the angry and volatile A.I. Robo Duck.

"Awww mannnn!" says Louie, as he and his robot brothers fly after the Death Gliders.

Out in space the Robo Ducks see several squadrons of Death Gliders mixining it up with an Al'Kesh and the Hell-Dogs.

"Unca' Ludwig. there's a lot more of these guys out here. Please send help." requests the A.I. Louie.

"Give me numbers and coordinates boys." replies the calm Duck scientist, lecturer, psychologist, and road traveler.

"Yes, sir." replies Louie as he starts to spout numbers.

Ludwig directs the Robo Duck clan reserves to assist the boys. Unfortunately a few of those A.I were of the suicidal beserker types. Which was the reason they were held back.


Earth Orbit, Captured Al'Kesh.




Jack blinks as he looks out into space. The Al'kesh and Mitchell's Hell-Dogs were mixing it up with four times their numbers in Death Gliders. Thank God none of the Al'Kesh from either mothership made it out.

"Carter, Danny, are you seeing what I'm seeing?" asks Jack.

"Are you seeing 'Giant Ten Foot Disney Ducks' taking on the Death Gliders?" asks Danny.

"Um, yeah..."

"Oh cool! Stewie's released the 'Mighty Ducks'." explains Xander "Those guys, totally kick ass, but stay away from the suicidal ones." he warns Teal'C.

Jack knows he was going to regret this, but he had to ask. "How can you tell which one's suicidal?" he asks.

"You can't. As a general rule I stay away from all of them. I think the hockey gets into their heads and they just go berserk worse than Robo Donald Duck on enhanced electronic crack."

'I knew I was going to regret this. I knew...' thinks Jack. "Hey! there's nothing wrong with hockey." says Jack defending his favorite sport.

"I never said there was. But hockey and those guys just don't go together. These are the most unstable Robo A.I.s I have ever seen." he explains.

"O'Neill why did you not tell me you had such magnificent forces at your command?" asks Bra'tac.

"It must have slipped my mind..." he replies.

"You should not keep information like this from me. Had I known what you had at your command I would have come up with a better plan." scolds the old Jaffa Master.

"Hey is that Louie, Dewey and Hewey?" asks Jack.

"Sure looks like..." answers Xander.

"Yes, sir." agrees Sam.

"Man look at those guys go." says Danny.

"They are truly fearless. Teal'C, why have you not told me about these wondrous creatures?" Bra'tac asks Teal'C.

"I did not know they were real. They are portrayed as fictional characters, used to entertain children." explains Teal'C as he does an alpha strike with every weapon on the Al'Kesh, against Klorel's mothership's hangar bay. "That should be the last operational hangar bay. The Death Gliders will receive no more reinforcements."

"If this is what the Tau'ri consider children's entertainment, no wonder your world produces such fierce warriors." says Bra'tac looking at Jack.

"... Uh, yeah sure you betcha." replies Jack.




Earth Orbit, Apophis' Mothership, Pel'tak.




Stewie and his entourage charge behind Mickey's assault force, as they force their way to the bridge. Aphphis, Klorel and their Jaffa are waiting for them.

Stewie calls for a halt. "You! Apophis! I have only one question I would asks." says Stewie.

"What's That child? That you are here to bow before your God?" asks Apophis.

"Don't be ridiculous. I want to know if you prefer belts, or boots?" he asks.

"Oh, oh. I know. Go for the boots. Definitely the boots." replies Harmony. "And can I get a pair?" she asks.

"Silence!" Stewie commands Harmony.

"Enough!" shouts Apophis. He raises his hand and the Jewelry starts to glow.


The Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado, SGC, General Hammond's office.




General Hammond is on the phone talking to the President.

"No, sir. This is not a Joke... Yes sir, it does look like the earth is about to be saved by a combined force of special forces teams, and six Air Force fighter pilots in experimental space fighters that are on loan, and not payed for and what appears to be giant Disney characters... Sir may I say that you are seeing the same information from two different sources, and in a few minutes the space shuttle Endeavor will be passing by with the rest of the SG teams. Yes sir, I guess we can wait a few minutes until the shuttle reaches the theater of operations." General Hammond hangs up and walks back to the control center.

"Sir! Colonel O'Neill been asking for you." says Davis.

"Put him Davis." he replies.

"Yes, sir. You're on Colonel O'Neill." Davis tells Jack.

"General. I'm thinking this is a perfect opportunity to try and get ourselves a spaceship." says Jack.

"Don't we already have the spaceship you're on Colonel?" asks General Hammond.

"Well, yeah, but I'm greedy. I want Klorel's mothership, before Stewie grabs it, as well." Jack confesses.

"What do you mean as well Jack?" he asks.

"You don't think Stewie's just gonna give us Apophis' mothership do you?" Jack replies.

"It's his duty..." begins General Hammond.

Jack cuts him off, "I'm sorry sir, but this is Stewie we're talking about..." behind Jack General Hammond can see Xander rolling on the floor laughing his ass off. "... Would you knock it off." he tells Xander.

Xander looks at him and breaks out in uncontrollable laughter, again. "S-Sorry Jack, b-but I can't help it." he looses it completely at that point.

"I think what Xander's trying to says sir, is good luck with that. It's his people, his equipment, in space, against an enemy..." explains Jack with a sigh. "... The kid's greedy sir. He's been like this ever since he born."

"Surely that's an exaggeration Colonel?" asks General Hammond.

"S-Surely, BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" is Xander's response.

"Ah knock it off." Jack tells Xander.

Xander ignores him.

"I think I understand your predicament Colonel. The space shuttle Endeavor will be reaching your position any minute now. SG-3 to 9 will be on board. They're yours." General Hammond concedes.

"We see them sir. We'll pick them up with the Al'Kesh. Oh, you might want to give them a warning..." says Jack.

"Good Luck Colonel O'Neill, SG-1." he says with a heart felt sigh.

He walks back to his office and picks up the phone. "Get me the President." he says.







Work in progress...
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