Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Rules for Challenges

Stewie can do better.

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking

Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628718752,07830 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

You went shopping for a what?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Check previous disclaimers.
*Mental conversation*

Earth Orbit, Captured Al'Kesh.

The shuttle Endeavor meets Jack's Al'Kesh, and the SG strike force quickly transfers from the fragile shuttle into the assault craft. The troops get their gear, and themselves ready for the assault on the Ha'tak, in the medium-range bomber and troop carrier. Xander and Bra'tac along with SG-1, SG-3 and SG-4 would lead the attack. SG-5 to 9 would mop up.

"C'mon Jimmy, get it in gear, we don't have much time. I want this mothership in our hands as soon as possible." shouts Jack.

"We're on it Colonel. We won't let you down, sir." replies Major Groves.

"That's all I'm asking for Jimmy, just this nice shiny mothership. Don't let me down boys..." he Says.

The troopers let out a shout "HUUGGHHYAHHH!" at the same time drowning him out.

"Carter. Let's do this. Are you sure that thing's going to work?" he asks pointing at the small box at her side.

"I think it will. According to Dewey... and I still can't believe I was talking to a Disney A.I., anyway..." she says with a shake of her head "... Stewie was able to take over Apophis' Ha'tak, with similar A.I.s, right now, he's just mopping up. When we connect, this up to the pel'tak, Klorel's mothership will be ours, after that it'll be just a matter of time of mopping up. I just thank God that the Al'Kesh Hangars were blocked by the c4 Danny and I were able to place in the hangars."

"Well then, Captain. What are we waiting for?" Jack asks. "Let's go bag us a Ha'tak." he says to everyone.

"SIR! YES SIR!" reply the troops.

Earth Orbit, Apophis' Mothership, Pel'tak.

Stewie activates the shield rune on his 'Flaming Blue Sword', it repels the telekinetic attack. Instead of attacking right back, Stewie chooses a different target, while Major Ferretti and SG-2 get in the way. They were his dogs, but that didn't mean he wants to casually incinerate them for getting in the way. Beside Klorel was torturing Harmony with his wrist device, he left himself open, and he wouldn't be half the opportunist that he is if he didn't take the free shot.

"EXPELOANAPNEO" Stewie shouts the command to expel Klorel from Skarra. He did not pioneer the research into all forms of mental and physical possessions while creating the Pack ritual for nothing.

Klorel bursts from Skarra's mouth. Skarra immediately collapses and while Klorel was still in the air Stewie casts again.


The Goa'uld flies straight to Stewie outstretched hand.

'Nah. I don't want to collect the slimy bastards.' he thinks. Instead of catching the flying Goa'uld, Stewie impales it from mouth to tail with the 'Flaming Blue Sword', the small body writes and sizzles on the magical flaming sword, turned spit for this occasion.

"EEEWWWW!!! Stewie! That-Just-Stinks!" shouts the recovering Harmony.

"Silence!" Stewie shouts back. "Grab the boy and return him to the ship, tell miss Calendar to make sure he survives. I might need him to renegotiate with cousin Jack later on." he commands her.

"... But I wanna stay..." she whines.

Stewie activates the voice command functions of Harmony's suit and zaps her into silence. "Do as your told... Or there will be no Paris or credit card..." before he could continue with his threats a streaking figure that looks somewhat like Harmony grabs the unconscious Skarra and zip out of the pel'tak.

"..." Stewie blinks for a second, and shrugs. 'I must remember to use that threat more often. Damn effective. Back to the main game at hand. Hmm, SG-2 are still holding their own. Good. But this Bitch is mine.'

His way is still not clear. Jaffa jump at him from every direction, but Stewie deals with them in the most expedient manner possible. The Disney Bots disintegrate every Jaffa before they could lay a hand on his person.

Thirty seconds later the way to Apophis was clear.

"UH-Hmm." says Stewie trying to get Apophis' attention. But the bugger was too busy throwing SG-2 around to notice. "You! Mister Clean! check this out!" Stewie shouts trying to get Apophis' attention again.

This time he succeeds. Apophis sees the sizzling body of Klorel on Stewie's sword. Stewie was waiving it in a taunting manner. Apophis looses it right then and there. He charges Stewie, hitting anything that gets in his way, whether friend or foe.

"Now we're talking!" shouts Stewie as he runs to meet his charge.

Aphophis tries to crush the insect waiving his son's charred remains in his face, but the insect was jumping all over the place avoiding his righteous wrath. It was also scoring multiple hits with the energy sword. Small hits that burn, an annoyance. He picks up a staff from one of his fallen Jaffa and calms his rage. He will make sure this insect will suffer tortures of a thousand years before his rage is properly satisfied. Now if only this insect would stand still.

"Hold still you insignificant insect. Your God commands it!" shouts Apophis.

"Excuse me, but whose 'God' are you again?" taunts Stewie. If he didn't have his Vader helmet on, he would have blown him a raspberry.

Apophis tries again, to pin down the insect, but it easily avoids his swings. It was too damn mobile. He tries to use grab it with a telekinetic blast, but it counters with one of it's own.

"Enough!" he shouts. "JAFFA KREE!"

The remaining Jaffa try to obey their God. But too many Jaffa fell to their enemies. The few that dis-engage, are easy picking for the Cordettes, Disney Bots and SG-2 troopers who were out for their blood. They fell trying to make their way to their God. In the end Apophis was left on his own facing Stewie and his forces.

Apophis vows this would not be. He would not suffer defeat at the hands of this child. He races to the destruct mechanism to destroy the infidels, but Stewie grabs him with a telekinetic grip and hoists him into the air and throws him to one of the Disney Bots.

"Commander Mickey. Put this snake on ice for me please. I want it fresh, when the time comes to make that pair of boots." he says with an evil laugh that sends shivers of dread though Apophis.

"Yes Sir!" replies Mickey Mouse. "C'mon fellas. Let put this guy in the deep freeze machine." says the cheerful mouse. "C'mon fellas! Let's give Stewie a Big cheer."

All the Bots, and some of the Cordettes do just that.


Major Ferretti and SG-2 are swept up in the cheer as well, but they came it from going out of hand like the Bots are doing. This was a huge coup, no matter how you look at it. The stink in this whole thing that Lou Ferretti can think of is trying to get Stewie to release the Ha'tak to the SGC. 'Yeah, good luck with that. Thank god that problem above my pay grade.' he thinks. 'Now let's see if I can't get Aura alone for a minute or two. Damn, but the juices are following.'

Earth Orbit.

Dewey, Hewey and Louie were having the best time ever. Along with a few relative and the Mighty Ducks, they were slowly, but surely destroying all the Death Gliders. Half the Mighty Ducks had fallen, but those were quickly evacuated by the Robo Medics. They would live to play hockey again, and fight the occasional space or demon invasion.

"Hey Louie..." says Hewey.

"What is it Hewey?" replies his brother.

"It looks like these guys are about done. How about we go and give Xander a hand? You know what Stewie said. If we didn't have anything else to do we're to go and make sure he doesn't get in over his head." says Hewey.

"Yeah. These guys are done like toast. C'mon Louie let's go." says Dewey.

"Yeah you're right, besides I think some of those Mighty Ducks fellas are starting to creep me out. I don't think those guys are playing with a full deck. Did you see what number 17 did to that Death Glider. That sure gives attack from the rear a whole new meaning." Louie says with a mechanical shudder.

"YES!" the other two say at the same time.

All three Ducklings race after the Al'Kesh as it enters one of the empty Death Glider hangers.

Earth Orbit. Klorel's Mothership.

The SG team execute a classic boarding action. They quickly take the Empty Death Glider hanger bay. Opposition this point was light to nonexistent. The damage left by the secondary explosions could be seen everywhere. It was one of the assault was so easy.

Jack looks back and he can see three of the Disney Bots fly into the hangar. The were carrying an assortment of weapons.

"Hey Xander hold up. We're coming with you." says Louie.

"Hey Louie, Guys. Come on. The party's just getting started." Xander tells the Robo Duckling with a huge face splitting smile.

The SG teams who weren't in Sunnydale gape at the ten foot Robots.

"Damn it. You weren't kidding. Disney Robots are fighting our war." says Sgt. Andie Mc Neil.

"He he he. That's fifty bucks you owe Andie, or you could go out with me?" replies Sgt. Garcia.

"In your dreams Jesus." replies Sgt. Andie Mc Neil.

"Settle down Mc Neil. Haven't you been to Disney before?" asks Jack.

"Yeah, but..." Sgt. Andie Mc Neil tries to say, but Jack stops her with a hand signal.

"Come on let's get this over with." he says.

The assault turns into a race, the few Jaffa they run into might as well be led by a headless chicken. Most of the true obstacles they ran into, was from the damage Sam and Danny's C4.

By the time they reach the pel'tak the Jaffa change from a nuisance to a threat. Someone must have taken over and got them to setup a proper defense.

"Damn it Xander keep your head down." Sam yells at Xander as a plasma bolt narrowly misses taking his head off.

"That was a lucky shot." he tells her, and ducks quickly as another 'lucky shot' hits close enough to raise blisters.

"Okay. Okay! I'm ducking. Jeez. C'mon fellas let's get these guys out of the way." he says to Louie.

"We're right behind you Xander." says Dewey.

"Behind me..." says Xander as he jumps from cover to cover. "... Behind me, isn't where I need you guys. Front of me would be a lot better..." he says as he ducks behind a pillar to avoid another blast.

"Aw come on Xander. Who do you think we are? Do you see a number on my back, or a hockey stick in my hands. We're not like those suicidal maniacs out there." explains Hewey.

"Hey those ducklings are smart." says Danny to Jack.

"How do figger Danny?" asks Jack.

"Oh that's easy. They're the ones hiding behind Xander. there's nothing wrong with their self preservation instincts." he explains.

"Fer cryin' out loud Danny! Those are Robots." says Jack.

"Hey! We might be Robots, but we're not stupid." replies Louie. "Aw hell. Come fellas. All together now. If Xander bites it, Stewie will make us the team mascots to the Mighty Ducks, and I don't like how some of those guys were looking at me." he says with a shiver to his brothers.

"Alright, Alright already." Hewey and Dewey grumble.

The Robo Ducklings charge the Jaffa positions. They unleash their entire arsenal, Blaster fire and Rocket rifle fire fills the corridors. Xander and the SG teams follow behind the ten foot Robots. A few troopers go down and Dewey takes multiple plasma hits, but they sweep the Jaffa out of their way.

The remaining force retreats to other corners of the Ha'tak.

"Come Carter. The pel'tak's ours let's get thing party over with. I'm not gonna rest easy until this ship is under our control." Jack tells Sam.

"This won't take more than a few minutes, sir." she tells him.

She quickly gets to work attaching the A.I to the pel'tak computer. Jack goes to check on Dewey.

The Duckling in question was in bad shape. His brothers and Xander were all around him. Sgt. Mc Neil has tears in hers eyes.

"It, it's getting dark Louie... And I can't feel my leg." says Dewey.

"Don't worry Dewey. The medics will get you pached up right quick." he tells his brother.

Xander l;ooks at wher he was standing a quickly backs off Dewey's leg. He was stepping on one of the exposed sensors.

"Whoops. Sorry Dewey. My bad." he tels the Robo Duckling. "The Medics should be here in a few minutes buddy. Don't worry about a thing. You'll come out of this better than new. We have the technology." he jokes with the Duckling trying to take it's mind off it's injury. "Hey Louie, didn't you turn of his pain receptors yet?" he asks the other Duckling.

"Whoops. I knew I forgot something." he replies.

"Hey. I thought you guys were robots" asks Sgt. Andy Mc Neil.

"I'll get it. Hold on... I have... it." says Xander as he presses a button on a hidden panel on the Robot's back.

"Ahhh. That's better. Thanks Xander." Dewey siughs in relief. "Why the hell didn't you do this in the first place?" he asks Louie.

"I forgot in all the excitment. Sue me." he tells his brother.

"They are robots." Xander tells the female SG SF with a smile. "Come on fellas. Take it easy." Xander says using the command voice. The Ducklings settle down until the medics come to take away the wounded Duckling. Xander turns to the trooper and looks down at the red fluid on the ground. 'I get it.' he thinks.

He kneels down and dips his finger into the red, blood like fluid. "You mean this?" he asks her.

"Yeah, that." she replies.

"Smell it." he says moving his hand slowly to her face.

She sniffs his fingers. "What's that wied smell?" she asks.

"This is a synthetic oil. It only looks and feels like blood, but it's not." Xander explains.

"Weird." she comments.

"Weird is what we do." he tells her.

Jack come over and walks up to Xander. "What the hell's the matter with you kid. Why did you charge the Jaffa like that?" asks Jack.

"You guys seemed to be in a hurry, and in my experience hurry means, get it done as fast as you can, or kiss your butt and the planet goodbye." replies Xander.

"..." Jack doesn't say anything. More than one occasion they were able to pull off the recuse with only a minute or less to spare. He knew, deep down that Xander was right. He was driving them hard to get the job done to capture the Ha'tak for uncle Sam. It was a danger, but not that much of a danger. "... You did good kid. I wouldn't mind having you on the team anytime." Jack tells him.

"Gee thanks Jack. But can you wait a few years until I at least finish high school?" he asks with a smile.

Jack laughs and waves him off.

"He was joking wasn't he Colonel?" asks Sgt. Mc Neil.

"About what Mc Neil?" he asks.

"Him being in high school?" she asks.

"No." Jack replies. He sees Sam, as she comes out of the bridge. He walk over leaving the Sgt. behind with her mouth hanging open. "Well?" he asks Sam.

"All done, sir." she reports.

Jack sighs in relief. "Good. I guess it's just a matter of cleaning up. Looks like we got ourselves a mothership Carter."

"Just one sir?" she asks.

Jack snorts. "You think anyone's going to take the other ship from Stewie. Good luck. That's one greedy kid. Not my problem. Come on Cater. Let's get this job over and done with." he tells her.

"Right behind you, sir." she replies. It wasn't her problem either, but she hopes to get a good look at the undamaged Ha'tak when they finish securing the ship.

The Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado, SGC, Gate Room, the Next Day.

Jack, Daniel, Sam, Teal'c and Bra'tac and Xander walk in to applause.

"Master Bra'tac. Words cannot express our gratitude." says General Hammond.

"You are Hammond, of Texas?" asks Master Bra'tac.

"I am." he confirms.

"Your warriors serve you well." says Master Bra'tac.

"I know they will be sorry to see you return home so soon." he replies.

"I must return, before word of our rebellion reaches Chulak. My place is there." says Master Bra'tac. He nods at Sam, Daniel and Xander. He grabs Jack by the arms. He then moves to Teal'c and touches his face.

"This way, sir, we want to ask you some questions before you leave." says Major Carson.

Bra'tac leaves with Major Carson.

"Not bad at all." says Jack.

"SG-1, Mister Harris, there's someone who'd like to see you." says General Hammond. "Follow me, please." he says leading the way to conference room.

There men in black all over the place.

"Who are we meeting the President?" Xander asks with a laugh.

"Yes." replies General Hammond opening the door.

The rest of Xander's laughter turns into a coughing fit.

"Ha ha. Kid." says Jack. "Come on." he whispers.

When they enter the room. The president and a few of his aides start clapping. The secret service agents join him.

"Gentlemen I wanted to congratulate you in person. You and the people you led into battle are responsible for our continued survival. What you have achieved will never be forgotten by this grateful nation, or this planet. When the true story of the Stargate program comes out, the world will recognize every one of you for the heroes you are." says the President.

One of the secret service agents walks over to the stunned audience and starts handing out medals from a tray. Five in all. There's even one for Xander.

"Mister Harris, Doctor Jackson. The medal of freedom. It's the highest medal given to a civilian in this country. Congratulations gentlemen." he says shaking their hands.

An agent takes a photo with each of them, as the President puts the medal around their necks.

Xander is looks like he's in a daze and Daniel's not much better. They barely get their thanks out.

The President moves on to each of the m4embers of SG-1 and hands out a The Medal of Honor.

Again the agent takes photos as he places each medal around their necks, even Teal'C who raise both eyebrows at the gesture.

"The biggest prize in the history of our nation, is that ship you captured floating up in orbit. With it you have guaranteed our ability to defend our world. Hopefully Mister Summers will adds his ships to the defense of our world." he tells them.

Xander snorts, unable to help himself.

"You have anything to add Mister Harris?" asks the President.

"Mister Harris, is my Dad. You can call me Xander." replies Xander, instead of answering the President's question.

"Xander it is." says the President not missing a beat. "You have anything to add Xander?" he asks again.

"Uh, um, that is no, sir. It's not my place to say. You never know..." he replies.

"I take it what you're trying to say is that Mister Summers will drive a hard bargain? You'd be surprised at what we're willing to offer. More than you can imagine." the President says with a slight knowing smile.

Xander smirks in reply. He was not intimidated in the least. In his mind he was still the Alpha. "Of that sir, you might be right. But as far as what Mister Summers can imagine. Let's just says that you'll be the one that'll be surprised. But then it's not my place to say. For that you'll need to take it up with Mister Summers himself."

"I must admit negotiations have stalled a bit with Mister Summers. Maybe you can tell us why?" he asks.

"Are you trying to take the ship away from him?" Xander asks instead.

"Well yes. He's an eleven years old kid. What does he need with a Mothership." he asks.

"You said it yourself..." Xander almost forgot to add "sir. He's an eleven years old kid. And he's got Mothership of his own. And it's all his. He took it on his own, without anyone's help." Xander explains.

"Not completely on his own. SG-2 was with him..." says the President.

Xander looks at him and doesn't back down. His stance says 'Really. Tell me another story Grandma.'

"What would you suggest Xander?" asks the President. He was willing to humble himself in front of this kid. They needed the ship, and the kid's insight might get it for them.

"Have you tried renting it?" asks Xander.

"Renting... This is not an apartment we're talking about..." begins the President.

"...If, if I may Mister President... But what I think Xander had in mind was that Mister Summers would loan us the ship. It would after all be used in the defense of his home, and the ship would still be in his name." says Daniel coming to Xander's rescue.

"Loan... Doctor Jackson?" asks the President.

"Yes Mister President. very much like what President Roosevelt did in World War Two when he lent fifty Destroyers to England while we were still out of the War." he explains.

"What do you think Mister Harris? Was this what you had in mind?" he asks Xander, going back to Mister Harris.

"Yes, sir. What he said. Stewie'll go for a deal like that, but he'll have conditions..." replies Xander.

"Conditions can be negotiated... If he agrees." he says.

"I'm sure that the route I would take if I wanted to negotiate for something with him." Xander adds.

"Very well. We'll give it a shot. Thank you for your help Mister Harris... Xander. If this works out I won't forget it." he says as he and his Staff and his Agents leave.

End of Chapter.

Work in progress...
Next Chapter
StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking