Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
using
 paypal
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Rules for Challenges

Stewie can do better.

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking
Story

Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628718751,78930 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

This is... a Life?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Check previous disclaimers.
*Mental conversation*


Sunnydale, Alley Outside The Bronze.





Cordy and Buffy were Frenching. And by that I don't mean the language. To those who can hear, a lot of EMMMM! and OOOHHH! Can be heard in the alley behind the bronze.

"Come on. We're late." says Buffy breathlessly.

"Your dweeb friends can wait." says Cordelia planting one more kiss.

When Buffy recovers she says, "We're meeting Angel remember?"

"Oh. Why didn't you say so in the first place? Come on. Come on." she says dragging the smaller girl behind her.



Sunnydale, The Bronze.





Willow was sitting in Xander's lap. She was enjoying the warmth, the comfort, the kisses, the touching... the not being interrupted by the manager again. Xander ran her off the last time she came by with a meaning filled growl. The message was delivered. "It said don't bug us and you won't be rent into tiny pieces."

The manager agrees with that sentiment, as she really wants to stay in one piece. So she did what she can. She took her frustrations out on those who couldn't fight back.

Another body lands in Willows lap and since she could see who it was... Willow cuddles up to said body. After all, who else could it be. She has the right scent and everything. And by now she knew all about scents.

"Buffy and Cordy at ten o'clock." says Xander not moving an inch.

"Maybe they'll join us?" says Willow.

"... Hopping they don't!" replies Marcie.

"Are you still having a problem with the Cordy issues? We've moved on... So should you." Willow tells Marcie and she gives the girl and warm hug.

"..." Marcie doesn't reply. She borrows deeper into the warm embrace.

"Ummm. Warm." says Willow.

Xander doesn't say anything as at the moment something has grabbed his attention. And he didn't care which girl grabs it.

"Oh look Buffy. It's dweeb, Willow and..." Cordy sniffs the air and says, "... Other..."

"Play nice." warns Buffy as she pinches Cordy, who jumps a foot into the air.

*Oh you're so going to pay for that.* she promises.

*I'll be ready...* replies Buffy.

Xander notes the action and files it later for further fantasy fuel. For now his hands were full.

Have a seat. There's plenty of room." says Willow.

"But there's already three of you on the couch..." says Buffy.

"... And yet, only one seat taken." Willow replies with a face going from pink to red at the speed of light.

Buffy shrugs and drags a reluctant Cody on the couch next to her.

"Aren't you guys flaunting the threesome thing a bit much?" asks Buffy.

"Flaunting what?" asks Willow, as she digs deeper into Xander's and hugs Marcie tighter.

"... She's got you there. That at least looks semi normal." admits Cordy. 'The dweebs got the best deal.' she thinks. "Oh look, it's Angel." she whispers to Buffy. "Angel! Over here!" she yells.

A few eyes follow the action and a few girls drool and a few guys curse, then their girlfriends administer the proper punishments foe looking elsewhere, and when they're properly chastised, the girls check out the next day's gossip.

Angel makes his way to Buffy and Cordy. He's still not sure how he landed in the middle of the two beautiful girls. He was just glad he didn't loose Buffy. But gaining Cordy? He still wasn't sure if that was a plus or not.

"Hey." he says to the two girls. He looks at Xander and Willow and nods, he then looks at them again. Something wasn't right with that picture, but he couldn't tell what was out of place.

"Come on. I want to dance." says Buffy dragging both Angel and Cordy to the dance floor.

As the three dance to slow song. The eyes of everyone in the club are glued to the strange threesome. The problem for most of the guys and girls was that, the girls were hot and they didn't mind and for the girls the guy was gorgeous and they didn't mind. More importantly this was South Cali, and if they couldn't handle a scene straight out of a Hollywood soft core movie, they should all move to the corn belt.

"Is it me... Or is everyone looking at us?" asks Angel.

"... Not everyone." says Buffy.

"Xander and Willow don't count. They're in the same boat." says Cordy.

"..." Angel looks at Xander and Willow on the couch and notes that they out of everyone in the club was ignoring them. "... How are they in the same boat?" wonders Angel.

"They're in a threesome as well." explains Cordy.

"They are? Who's the third?" he asks.

"It's that invisible psycho bitch Marcie." complains Cordy.

"Cordy, play nice." admonishes Buffy.

"Oh come on. Even you should be able to tell that girl doesn't like us. If Stewie didn't have her on tight leash she'd be like our big nemesis, or something... Whatever." explains Cordy.

"How can you tell? She's hardly there." asks Buffy.

"That's how I can tell and from now on, check any room you go into with your nose first. You can't miss her scent. It's everywhere we go." Cordy tells Buffy.

Angel files away the tidbit for later.

"I'll talk to Stewie. Maybe he can do something to cure her condition?" says Buffy.

Cordelia snorts.

"What?" asks Buffy.

"Don't be surprised if he turns you down. She's more valuable to someone like him in her condition, as she is. If I was him i wouldn't cure her. I'd use her up and deny. Deny. Deny." admits Cordelia.

"Stewie's not like that." says Buffy defending her younger brother.

Angel and Cordy stop dancing and look at Buffy with their mouths hanging open.

"... Okay. He would the evil little money grubbing, power hungry, little Napoleon wanna be." admits Buffy with a sigh. They knew her brother to well. By now most of North America knew Stewie for the power mad corporate CEO that he was.

The only reason he wasn't the most hated child in America, was because he makes Bill Gates cry. For some reason, everyone gives him slack for that.

"So how was your trip?" Angel asks the girls.

"It was okay." says Buffy.

"What do you mean it was okay? We were waited on hand and foot like royalty. In fact i saw the staff at a couple of places snob royalty to wait on us first. I've never felt so alive in my entire life." says Cordy.

"Eh. It was okay." repeats Buffy.

"Oh-My-God! There's something wrong with you." says Cordy in horror at her girlfriend's confession.

"Sorry to brake this up, but there's a new fledge that's supposed to rise tonight. Korshak something." says Angel.

"You really know how to spoil a mood don't you. I'm not sure I like that. We'll have to work on that." says Cordy. "There's a time for everything, and this, the time for your news, was not it."

"Cordy not now. Angel's right. Giles told me to check it out later tonight. We have time for a dance or to at least. Angel stop stressing, and Cordy, can you put your plans to change Angel on hold for just a little longer?" Buffy asks her two love interests.

"Okay, but just for a little bit. Physically, you've got the right package, but we so need to work on your presentation." Cordy tells Angel.

"Good enough I guess." says Buffy.

"Hold on. Don't I have anything to say about this?" asks Angel.

"No." reply both girls.

"...Oh." says Angel, not sure if he wants to be the poster child of whipped magazine this early in the relationship. The benefits don't outweight the downside, just yet. He looks at the two girls and he crumbles under the combined stares. 'Oh yeah. I'm so whipped.' he admits to himself. 'I'd better start getting some double action soon, if I'm going to put up with this crap. Man even Dru and Darla weren't this bad. Maybe that's because there was Spike to dump on back then?' he thinks.

Mr. Korshak

Meredith Todd


It says that

Meredith and two other girls

in the car were killed instantly.
They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way to a game.




Sunnydale High School, The Library.




Buffy and Xander walk in and see Giles sitting in a chair and talking to Stewie.

"W-w-w-what I'm proposing is, um... and I-I don't mean to appear indecorous, is, is, um, a, a-a-a social engagement, um, a, a, a, a-a date, if you're amenable." asks Giles.

Buffy and Xander stop and listen to him. Buffy's not sure how to take Giles proposing to her brother like that. Too much ick factor.

"No. You idiot!" replies Stewie.

"Boy... I guess we never realized how much you like Stewie." says Buffy.

Giles and Stewie are startled and quickly get up to faces them.

"Think before you speak." Stewie threatens Xander.

Xander pretends to zip his lips, and locking and throwing a key, and for good measure waving goodbye.

"Good Xander. There's hope for you yet." says Stewie satisfied with Xander's response. 'It's a good thing all those threats to remove his manhood are finally filtering through. There's hope for the boy yet.' he thinks.

"I-I-I was just working on... " Giles knocks over a few books trying to explain what he was doing.

"Your pickup lines? To take my brother out?" asks Buffy.

"Um, in a manner of speaking, yes." he bends down picks up the books. "But, uh, just, just not Stewie. Not that there's anything wrong with your brother, but he, he's not quite what it looks like."

"Then if you wouldn't mind a little Gene and Roger, you might wanna leave off the 'idiot' part. Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood." says Buffy her amusement showing through her smile.

"Hmm, it actually kinda turns me on." says Xander looking at Buffy.

Buffy turns to Xander and says, "I fear you." She goes to the table and sits. "You also might wanna avoid words like 'amenable' and 'indecorous', y'know. Speak English, not whatever they speak in, um..."

"England?" says Giles helpfully.

"Yeah. You just say, 'Hey, I got a thing, you maybe have a thing, maybe we could have a thing.' Uh. that is if you weren't proposing to my brother?" she asks.

"Uh, no, no I wasn't. And by the way, thank you, Cyrano." says Giles.

"Good. About Stewie I mean. And I so wasn't finished. Then you say, 'How do you feel about Mexican?'" continues Buffy.

"About Mexicans?" asks Giles.

"Mexican. Food. You take her for food, for which you then pay." Buffy explains as if to a small child.

"Oh. Right." replies Giles.

"So. We are talking Miss Calendar, right?" asks Xander.

"W-what makes you think that?" asks Giles.

"Simple deduction. Miss Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in your age bracket. She already knows that you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her. She's a Dog Pack girl so she's willing to put up with your dog ways." says Xander.

"We. Do. Not. Behave. Like. Dogs around each other." Giles growls at Xander.

"Point. I haven't really seen them all growly either." admits Buffy. "And she's the only woman we've actually ever seen speak to you. Add it all up and it all spells 'duh'."

"Now, is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?" wonders Xander.

"You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business." Giles tells them, as Stewie snickers.

"Y'know, because that whole stork thing is a smoke screen." continues Xander.

Giles stops and looks back at him. Buffy laughs to herself. Giles sighs, "So, um, how did things go last night? Did Mr. Korshak show up on schedule?"

"More or less. Angel, Cordy and I took care of him." says Buffy. "There's something else, though. We found an empty grave. Cordy fell into it. She so wasn't happy about that. she swore that she wasn't going to another cemetery as long as she's still alive." explains Buffy.

"Another vampire?" asks Giles.

"No. No, this one was dug up and the body was taken out." says Buffy.

"Grave robbing? That's new. Interesting." says Giles coming back to the table.

"I 'know' you meant to say gross and disturbing." says Buffy.

"Yes, yes, yes of course. Uh, terrible thing. Must, must put a stop to it. Damn it." says Giles trying to be supportive.

"So. Why does someone want to dig up graves?" asks Xander.

"Well, I'll, uh, collect some theories. Uh, it would help if we knew who the body belonged to." says Giles.

"Meredith Todd. Ring a bell?" asks Buffy.

"No." says Xander.

"She died recently. She was our age." says Buffy.

"Drawin' a blank." says Xander.

"Why don't we ask Stewie to, uh, fire the infernal machine up and, uh, track Meredith down?" suggests Giles.

"Now you solicit my aid? To help you use the infernal machine?" asks Stewie with a snort. "I feel insulted. Brian you do it." commands Stewie.

"Nuh' uh. I'm not the apprentice watcher, and you're so not the boss of me. Why don't you get that willow chick to do it?" asks Brian.

"Yeah. Why don't we?" asks Xander. "It's what she lives for." he adds.


Sunnydale High School, Hall.




Sign-ups for the science fair are going on. Willow is writing in her entry. Eric comes up to her with a camera and points it at her.

"Smile!" says Eric as he takes her picture.

"Hey!" says Willow.

He turns around and sees another girl.

"Oh, look at those legs!" he says as he takes off after the girl to take her picture.

"No, thank you." says Willow.

"Eric, will you knock it off?" says Chris from behind willow.

Eric looks at him, upset to have his fun spoiled.

"Hey, Chris!" greets willow all smiles.

"Hey." replies Chris.

He picks up a sign-up sheet. She watches what he's writing. He looks up at her.

"Oh, I, I was just wondering what you were gonna do this year." she asks.

"Why?" asks Chris.

"'Cause every year you win and I place second, so I just thought I'd see what I'm up against." she explains.

"You know what the key is? If Dr. Clark doesn't understand your experiment he gives you higher marks so it looks like he understands your experiment." he says. he looks at her entry, he reads 'The Effects of Sub-Violet Light Spectrum Deprivation on the Development of Fruit Flies'? That should do the trick." he tells her with a smirk.

"Okay, I'm doing this under protest. It is not fair that they're making participation in this year's science fair mandatory. I don't think anyone should have to do anything educational in school if they don't want to." says Cordelia, as she signs up.

Willow reads her entry: "'The Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable'?"

"I wanted to do something I could finish in a weekend, alright?" Cordelia confesses.

Eric flashes a picture of Cordelia.

"Stop it! What are you doing?" shouts Cordelia, as Eric takes another picture. "We are under florescent light, for God's sake." she complains.

"The camera loves you!" Eric tells her.

"I didn't think yearbook nerds came out of hibernation till spring." says Cordelia.

"It's for my private collection." Eric tells her with a wink, as he snaps another picture.

"Eric! Will you quit it?" orders Chris.

"Comin' through. Sorry." says Buffy, as she pushes her way through. Eric takes her picture "Uh, sorry to interrupt, Willow, but it's the Bat Signal. Come on Cordy." she grabs both girls and pulls them after her.

"Okay, sure. See you later, Chris. Thanks for the tip." says Willow as she's dragged away by a force of nature.

"Okay." says Chris.

"Eric raises his eyebrows to Chris. "I didn't know Willow was part of that scene?"

"She isn't. She's with Xander and Xander's with Buffy, and Cordelia's with Buffy. It's a thing."

"Man what I wouldn't give to get that thing on camera." says Erick.

"Don't be an idiot." says Chris. "The new Xander would brake you. Hell Buffy would break you, never mind what Cordelia would do to you." Chris warns him.


Sunnydale High School, The Library.





Willow sits down in front of the Computer.

"This shouldn't take long. I'm probably the only girl in school who has the coroner's office bookmarked as a favorite place. But can someone tell me why Stewie couldn't do the same thing?' she asks.

"Sorry to interrupt but Willow can you help me with my science fair project?" asks Cordelia.

"It's a fruit." says Willow.

"I would've asked Chris to help me, but then that would've brought back too many memories of Daryl." she says.

"I found it! Meredith Todd died in a car accident last week." exclaims Willow triumphantly.

"Of course I have learned to deal with my pain." says Cordelia bravely as she squeezes Buffy's shoulder.

Buffy gives her a smile and turns to Willow to ask, "How was her neck?"

"Fine, except for being broken." says Willow.

Giles comes out of his office.

"Hello! Can we deal with my pain, please?" asks Cordelia.

"There, there." says Giles, as he pats her on the shoulder and continues up into the stacks.

Buffy gives her another smile.

"It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were killed instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way to a game." continues Willow on a roll.

"You know what this means." asks Buffy as she again turns to Willow.

"That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross-town body count competition this year?" asks Xander sarcastically.

"She wasn't killed by vampires. Somebody did dig up her corpse." says Buffy ignoring Xander. Willow smiles at his joke to show her support, as a good girlfriend. Marcie smiles as well, but since she was invisible she shows him her appreciation with her hands.

"Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word 'corpse' in it?" Cordy asks Buffy.

"Okay, so we got a body snatcher. What does that mean?" asks Xander as he enjoys Marcie's ministrations.

"Uh, h-here's what I've come up with. Demons who eat the flesh of the dead to absorb their souls. Or, i-i-it could obviously be a, a voodoo practitioner." says Giles.

"You mean making a zombie?" asks Willow.

"Uh, zombies, more likely. For most traditional purposes a voodoo priest would require more than one." explains Giles.

"So, we should see if the other girls from the accident are AWOL, too. Maybe we can figure out what this creep has in mind if we know whether or not he's dealing in volume." says Buffy.

"So, we dig up some graves tonight?" asks Xander.

"Oh, boy! A field trip! Are you gonna call Angel?" asks Willow.

"I don't think so." says Buffy.

"Yeah, why bother him, huh?" says Xander.

"Well if Angel's out, count me out. Besides I have cheerleader practice tonight. Boy, I wish I knew we were gonna be digging up dead people sooner. I would've canceled." says Cordelia.

"So, we're set then. Say, nineish? BYO shovel?" asks Xander, as he takes out his 'The Shovel.'

"And I'll pack some food. Who else likes those little powdered doughnuts?" asks Willow.

"Me." says Xander raising his hand. Marcie's hand comes up with his.

No one other than Xander can feel, and only Willow would care.


Sunnydale, Restfield Cemetery




Giles and Xander are digging while Buffy and Willow relax and watch.

"So. Why isn't Angel coming?" asks Willow

"He was acting all jealous, and he wouldn't even admit it."

"Jealous of what? Cordelia?" asks Willow.

"No. Of Xander." says Buffy.

"Because you did that sexy dance with him?" asks Willow.

"Am I ever gonna live that down?" asks Buffy.

"No. You were a 'Bitch', but I've forgiven you since then." she says, as she munches on a doughnut.

"Anyway, he was being totally irrational." continues Buffy.

"Love makes you do the wacky. Look at you and Cordy, and, and Angel." Willow tells her.

"That's the truth." agrees Buffy.

"Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually used 'The Shovels' Stewie gave you." complains Xander.

"Here, here." adds Giles.

"Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies." says Buffy, she then goes back to Willow, "So, speaking of the wacky, what was Cordelia's whole riff about painful memories? Who's Daryl?" she asks.

"Am I picking up on vibes of jealousy here?" asks Xander.

"No. And you go back to digging." Buffy tells him.

"Yes your Majesty. Of course your Majesty, I'za, but a humble slave." he replies.

"You-Dig. Now let's see. Daryl Epps. Chris' older brother. He was a big football star. All-State two years ago. He was a running... He was a running... Uh, someone who runs and catches." explains Willow.

"Was he a studly?" asks Buffy.

"Big time. All of the girls were crazy for him." replies Willow.

"And he broke Cordy's heart? Thus possibly proving its existence, before she broke down and proved to me that she really cares." comments Buffy.

"He died. Rock climbing or something? He fell." Willow tells her.

"Man, that's lousy. Poor Chris." says Buffy.

"Ever since then Chris has been real quiet. Kind of in his own world. I heard their mother doesn't even leave the house anymore." says Willow.

"I think we're there." reports Giles.

Buffy and Willow get up and go over to the grave.

"By the way, are we hoping to find a body, or no body?" asks Willow.

"Call me an optimist, but I'm hoping to find a fortune in gold doubloons." says Xander.

"Um, body would mean flesh-eating demon, no body would point towards the, uh, army of zombies thing. Take your pick, really. Right, then, uh... Xander. If you would..." says Giles pointing to the casket.

"You're closer." Xander tells him.

"Pathetic much? What are you so scared of?" asks Buffy.

Xander grumbles, but he opens the casket.


To be continued...


Sunnydale, Restfield Cemetery




"Huh." says Xander as he looks inside the coffin.

"What?" asks Buffy.

"I didn't expect that..." he says pointing at something inside the coffin. He bends down and brings out a large white envelope.

"READ ME!" was printed in large red letters.

In the top right corner, it says, "Not a secret document!"

"I, I, I don't see a body anywhere..." says Giles. His night vision was good enough to see inside the dark coffin.

"... So they beat us to the body, but left us a note?" asks Buffy. "I, I don't like that at all. That just means they're so overconfident, that, that, they don't care about who's coming after them." says Buffy.

"Ooh. I so hate over confident bad guys." says Willow.

Xander opens the envelope and looks inside. "Hey! There's something funky in here..." Xander takes out white sheet and a small square plastic disk. "What the hell is this?" he asks.

"Let me see..." says Willow reaching out with her hand to Xander.

He passes the disk, and the rest of the envelope to Willow. He then jumps out of the grave and asks Giles. "You need a hand?"

"N-No, that's quite alright." says Giles. He closes the empty coffin, and he too jumps out of the grave in one leap.

"He, he. you're finally getting into that 'Super Watcher' thing." Xander tells Giles.

"I, I unlike some others I know don't flaunt it. But yes it is a thrill to be able to do something like this in a while." replies Giles.

"Must make recovering from hits to the old noggin a breeze." teases Xander.

"I must agree with you there. Not having to worry so much about serious injuries, has made it a touch easier to join you and Buffy on these field trips." says Giles.

"Oh my gosh. This is a flash memory chip!" exclaims Willow as soon as she finishes examining the plastic disk.

"A, a, what?" asks Giles.

"It's a memory disk that you put in digital cameras. It holds a lot of information. Let me put it into my laptop. Stewie gave me a new model with a card reader. You just slip this baby in and we'll be able to see what's on it right away." explains Willow.

"By the way Willow... What's on the letter?" asks Giles.

Willow gives Giles the letter, as she takes her new laptop out of her backpack and in less than a minute they're ready to see what's on the disk.

Giles reads the letter.

"Play Me!"

"I think they want us to see what's on the flash drive." explains Willow.

"In that case please play on." requests Giles.

"Here we go..." says Willow as she clicks on the play function.

"Oh good team is all here. Please watch very carefully. This disk will self destruct once you play it." says Stewie's image.

The image switches from Stewie, to show someone digging the grave they've just dug up. After a few seconds when the figures stop digging they can see them clearly.

"It's Chris and Eric." exclaims Willow.

"Willow, could, could you please fast forward?" asks Giles.

"Oh sure Giles." says Willow. She fast forwards through the recording. They see Chris and Eric taking the body and leaving the cemetery with it. They get into a van, and drive off.

"Not another word. Well talk about it this in the library. Xander help me fill up the grave please." orders Giles.

Willow races to her laptop to take out the flash drive before it explodes and destroy her new laptop. She likes the new laptop. It was at least three generations ahead of anything on the market. She ejects the flash drive and throws it on the ground before it explodes in her hand.

"What did you do that for?" asks Buffy.

"He did say that it would explode after playing it. This is Stewie we're talking about. He would so do something like this." says Willow.

"True, he would, but I think he's just kidding. I saw him watching Mission impossible last night. He gets crazy like that from time to time. He thinks it's funny." explains Buffy.

Willow eyes the flash memory disk and comes to a decision. she takes out her 'Shovel' and blasts the offending plastic square into smithereens.

"Why did you do that for?" asks Buffy as she shields her face with her arm.

"I'm so not taking any chances with your brother's weird sense of humor, and we can't leave it there for anyone else to find..." explains Willow.

"... I get it, but will a little warning next time please." says Buffy. Buffy couldn't really blame Willow. Stewie's jokes have a tendency to quickly get out of hand. It was better to be safe, than sorry.

Giles and Xander quickly fill out the grave, while Buffy and Willow watch.

"You know you girls could help and make this go a lot faster..." says Giles.

"... And yet we don't. Go figger?" replies Buffy with a shrug as she sits back and enjoys watching the boys work.

"Forget it Giles. Paybacks a bitch." whispers Xander.

"Hey! Enhanced Slayer hearing here." says Buffy.

"What's your point?" asks Xander as he throws in the last shovel full of dirt on the grave.

"So that's how it's going to be." replies Buffy.

Xander stares at Buffy.

Buffy Stares at Xander.

Xander narrows his eyes.

Buffy responds..

"Oh, know it off you two." says willow slapping both Buffy and Xander.

As the two girls go back to the Giles mobile, Giles says to Xander, "Ease off lad. We don't need to give them warring. Next time someone plays a trick on them they'll come after you, whether you did it, or not."

"That's okay Giles. I've already got something in the works. They're not going to suspect me, just yet." replies Xander with a smirk.

Giles shakes his head at the suicidal teen. He doesn't says anything. Pain and experience are the only things that will get through to the boy. And he wasn't all that sure about the pain.




Sunnydale, SRL Building.
!Not a SMUT scene!





"Hmm, hmmm. Humh, hum." Kara was humming a song, as the hot water from the shower hits her body. The hot water cascades over her curves and washes away the grime and slime.

Suddenly Stewie kicks open the door to the Bathroom, and walks in, slowly shedding his clothes.

"Move over!" he commands Kara. "Why are you using my private Bathroom again?" he asks.

"Don't have a cow, little man. It's the only shower in this building, and I so wasn't going to the assembly plant to wash off." she tells him, as she continues to clean herself off.

A minute later Harmony walks in through the open door and and starts to remove her clothes as well. She throws them into the trash bin. "Make room." she says as she shoves Kara and hogs the shower head.

"Damn it Harmony. Stop being such a greedy pig and share. There are other people here you know." Stewie complains.

"No way. I so am not going demon hunting with you guys again. You only use me for bait, and I get all the demon gunk on me. You just get the splatter. I so deserve this. Why can't I get my own private Bathroom?" she asks.

"What's the point. No one here cares that this is my private Bathroom. Do you think they're going to care about yours?" asks Stewie.

"You really mean that Stewie?" Harmony asks with a squeal.

"Mean what?" replies Stewie.

"You just promised to get me, my very own Bathroom. I have a witness and everything. Isn't that right Kara?" asks Harmony.

Kara thinks about it for a few seconds. 'If she gets her own Bathroom, I should be able to get one of my own, this way I wouldn't have to use hers.' She looks at Stewie and says, "I head you promise her a Bathroom." she says with a deadpan expression.

Stewie looks between the girls and sighs. 'Since when did I get surrounded by pushy females. Aren't there enough of those at home?' he thinks. He grabs Harmony and shoves her into Kara. "Move! he commands. He finishes cleaning his body as fast as he can and gets out of the shower stall. "Very well. You may tell Donald to get one built for you..." he hesitates and looks at Kara. "... And get one built for Kara while your at it. If I catch either of you using my Bathroom after this, there will be hell to pay. Do I make myself clear?" he asks the girls.

"Sir. Yes Sir." they reply together.

Stewie grumbles underneath his breath and leaves. The girls giggle when he's out of sight.

Harmony looks at her co-conspirator and asks, "Wash my back? I'll do yours..."

"You're on." agrees Kara. 'It's good to have friends.' she thinks. "So Stewie is still just a boy." she says to Harmony.

"Yeah. I can't wait until he grows up. But until then the perks so make up for it." she replies, as Kara starts to wash her back. 'It's so good to have a friend who doesn't mind washing my back.' she thinks with a deep satisfying sigh.



Sunnydale High School, Parking Lot.





Cordy and the cheerleaders are heading home.

"Guys, if we don't get this down by tomorrow, no one's gonna be led by our cheers. Practice." Cordy tells her squad.

"Okay. See ya later." replies Joy.

Cordelia continues on to her own car as the others get in theirs. They drive off before Cordelia reaches her car. She hears something by the fence and stops to look around.

"Hello?" says Cordelia, as she takes out 'The Shovel' Buffy gave her.

She continues to her car and starts to dig in her pack for her keys. She gets them out and runs the rest of the way to her car. She nervously fumbles with the lock. She was still new to this Slayer Uber bitch thing and wasn't quite as confident in her new abilities.

"Xander Harris, if this is some kind of joke..." she says as she takes out her keys.

She drops the keys and they roll under the car. She kneels down and reaches for them frantically. On the other side of her car she can see
someone in black shoes approaching. She quickly gets up and starts to run. The man follows her. He walks past a dumpster. When he's gone the lid opens, and Cordelia checks to see if the coast is clear. She pushes the lid up all the way, then turns around again to hop out, but is startled by Angel.

"Cordelia. This is the last place I expected you to hang out." says Angel.

"Oh, God! God, it's you. Why were you all stalker boy, and following me like that? Couldn't you have said something, before I had to jump into that icky dumpster?"

"I wasn't sure it was you at first. I'm looking for Buffy. We had a thing. I just wanted to apologize..." he tells her.

"Buffy? Well, she's, uh... big shock, she's at the graveyard. I so didn't want to go with, if you know what I mean." she says.

"She said she'd be home." says Angel.

"Well, she's a busy beaver. Bodies to dig up and stuff. Isn't she a rascal? Well, you're in luck. It just so happens that my night is free." she says, as she tries to get out. "Uh, hold on, my skirt is caught." she tells him. She reaches behind her and gets her skirt loose. "There." she says, as she breaks free.

She picks up what was holding her skirt and sees it's a hand. She drops it and screams.



Sunnydale High School, The Library.





"So, both coffins are empty. That makes three girls signed up for the army of zombies. Any ideas why Chris and Eric need an all female army of the dead?' he asks.

"Is it an army if you just have three?" asks Willow.

Angel gets up from the table and faces them. Cordelia clings to his arm and gets up, too.

"Zombie drill team then." adds Buffy.

"You're back." says Angel.

"Angel!" says Buffy. "Are you over your snit?" she asks.

"Xander." says Angel.

"Angel." replies Xander with a smug smirk. It earns him an elbow from Willow.

"I thought you were takin' the night off." says Angel.

"I, I was, um, but something came up." says Buffy as she walks up to the pair and only kisses Cordelia.

"Cordelia told me the truth." he tells her.

"That's gotta be a first." says Xander with a chuckle.

"Um, as long as you're here, perhaps you could be of some help. Hmm?" says Giles.

"We were investigating. Somebody's been digging up the bodies of dead girls." explains Buffy.

"I know. We found some of them." says Angel.

"You mean, like, two of the three?" asks Buffy.

"I mean, like, some of them. Like parts." Angels clarifies.

"Oh Buffy. It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me?" she asks as she leaves Angel's arm and hugs Buffy.

"Karma!" says Xander with a cough to cover it up.

"So much for our zombie theory." says Willow.

"So much for all our theories." says Giles.

"I don't get it. Why did Chris and Eric go to all the trouble to dig up the three girls only to chop them up and throw them away? It doesn't make any sense. Especially from a time management standpoint." says Buffy.

"Well, what I saw didn't add up to three whole girls. I think they kept some parts." says Angel.

"Could these guys get any yuckier?" she asks.

"They probably kept the other parts to make a zombie girlfriend?" says Xander.

"Ewww!" reply the three girls together giving Xander the look.

"Hey! I have nothing to do with that. Just saying, desperate geeks, zombie girlfriend, they make their own fantasy cheer babe." Xander explains.

"I so don't want to be here for this. Angel take me home." she commands

Angel is in open-mouthed shock, and looks at Buffy. She shrugs. "What? You want to go out with the two of us you have to expect there would be conflict."

"Great! I'll drive?" says Cordelia, as she leads the way out of the library as Angel gives Buffy another helpless look.

Xander: How about that? I always pegged him as a vampire with some balls, but a few days with Cordelia and they fall off." says Xander with a smug joke.

Giles hides his smile by turning around and reaching for a book on the table.

"Willow, could you...?" asks Buffy.

Swat! Bam! "Sure. Happy to oblige." replies willow, as she puts her boot, but lightly to Xander's crotch.

Xander looks up at her in terror.

Buffy approves and gives willow a big smile.

Willow's smile matches.

Giles calls Stewie's number.

"Uh, Donald? H-Hello. Could I please speak with Stewie?" Giles says into his new cell phone.

"Surrre. Mr. Giles. I'll get him." replies Donald.

"Th-thank you." says Giles.

A minute later Stewie gets on the line. "Yes. What is it?" demands Stewie.

"Stewie it's Giles..." he begins.

"... I know who you are! I gave you the damn cell phone. What do you want?" Stewie demands again.

"We just got your note, from the coffin..." explains Giles.

"Took you long enough. Now be a good Watcher, and find out what the deuce Mr. Epps is going to do with the bodies. Let me know what you find? There's a good Giles." says Stewie hanging up.

"What did he say?" asks Willow.

Xander didn't care and Buffy hear the conversation with her new and much enhanced hearing.

"He, he, he said we should find out what Chris wants with the bodies?" he replies.

"Did he says where to look? 'Cause I blew up the flash drive, before it could blow up my computer." asks Willow.

"No he didn't. You call him and find out. I don't feel like dealing with him. He seems out of sorts for some reason." replies Giles.

"A deal must have fell through, or something." says Buffy, used to her brother's odd ways.

"What I would like to know...? Is, is how he managed to obtain a recording of Chris and Eric, digging up the bodies?" asks Giles.

"Oh, oh. I know." says Willow as she raises her hand.

"Willow. we are not in class. You do not need to raise your hand." says Giles with a sigh.

"Um, okay." replies Willow in embarrassment. "It's part of the Sunnydale Watch operation." she explains.

"What do you mean?" asks Giles. "He's got people running around Sunnydale with cameras recording everything?"

"No." she scoffs. "Don't be silly. Robots, with cameras. Yes." she says.

"That's worse. How do you explain someone like Donald Duck running around with a video camera shooting videos of people and demons?" says Giles in exasperation.

"No. No. No. Not big robots. Tiny ones, with internal cameras. Y'know, like owls, bats and squirrels... But for some reason the squirrels keep disappearing... Anyway, they got wireless transmitters and they transmit to a base station, which transmits and stores everything on a stealth satellite hidden in orbit. Very secure.

"Good lord." says Giles, as he takes off his glasses and starts to clean them. "Does he record everything?" he asks.

Willow nods her head.

"Good lord." he says again.

Xander by this time recovers and removes Willows boot from his crotch. "Any chance of getting the password for the network/" he asks Willow.

"Why would you want the password?" she asks.

"You never know what's out there? Could be a good idea to go through some of these out of the way places, like look out point, the bronze, the parks..." he says.

"... Like all the places where people are making out..." adds Buffy.

"... yeah, uh no..." he says engaging mouth before brains.

"Xander! You, you pervert." Willow shouts, as she tries to stomp, err, curb Xander's enthusiasm.

Xander objects to how Willow is trying to manhandle him, and intercepts her boot. "Not now Will, we've got a couple of Zombie makers to catch."

"Oh, okay." she replies. "Buffy, you coming?" she asks.

"Might as well." replies Buffy.


Sunnydale, Epps Residence.





"Say, Wills..." says Xander.

"Yes Xander?" replies Willow.

"Any chance we could get one of those Robo bats to sneak inside and give us a heads up?" he asks.

"You know that's a pretty good idea." says Buffy. "Much better than the one you had about turning this thing into one big perverts dream accessory."

"Hey. I resemble that remark." says Xander, taking mock offense.

"Yes I know, but your my pervert and I have to live with the burden. Oh woe is me." says Willow with a sad sigh. The huge smile on her face, says otherwise.

Xander snorts, and before he could reply, Willow slaps her hand over her mouth to shut him up.

He does what any self respecting teenage boyfriend would do. He licks her palm. She doesn't withdraw, and keeps her palm over his face.

*You're enjoying this way too much I'm so miss innocent. Too bad you're a bigger pervert than I am. And that's me saying that.* Xander tells her without stopping the licking action.

*Uhn, huh, more.* replies Willow.

"Come on you two. We don't have time for this." says Buffy. "And just so you know Willow. Your not fooling anyone." she whispers to Willow.

Willow shivers as Buffy's breath caresses her ears. She turns an even deeper shade of red, but she doesn't trust herself to say anything.

Buffy gives Willow shoulder a gentle squeeze and says, "Come on. Let's get the Robobats in there and get this night over with." she whispers into her other ear.

Willow almost melts. She pulls out her laptop and starts to punch rapidly at the keyboard. By the time she's done requesting the network send something into the Epps home, her blush goes down from a four alarm red to a slight pinkish hue.

*You're such a Buffy slut.* Xander tells her with a smile.

*Takes one to know one.* she replies.

A few minutes later, and several robots, a picture of the what was going on in the Epps residence becomes clear.

They find out why Chris needs the bodies and who drives him to steal the girl's corpses.

Daryl Epps' Zombie body pleads with his brother to build him a mate, and they can see Chris's objection to killing anyone.

"That's so sad. Chris did all this for his brother, and his brother is just a big piece of Zombie scum. And don't get me started on Eric..." says Willow.

"Yeah Chris, is a regular Dr. Frankenstein, but I'm so not letting them get away with killing my girlfriend, just so they can give Zombie-man a girlfriend. Call me crazy, but the idea just doesn't make go ooh." says Buffy.

"I don't know Buff. Can't we just let them borrow Cordelia's head for just a few days? It could be an improvement." says Xander trying to get Buffy to go along with the idea of a headless Cordelia.

"You hush. Sane people are trying to talk." replies Willow.

"Hello! You're the president of the we hate Cordelia Chase club." Xander tells Willow.

"That's true, but now that she's Buffy's sweetie, we have to be supportive of Buffy. She can't be seen going out with a headless corpse." replies Willow.

"Um, thanks Will. I think." says Buffy.

"Ah come on Buff. Think of the improvement to her personality?" Xander tries one last time.

"No. I'm not letting these guys turn my girlfriend into the 'Bride of...', you just have to learn to live with it." Buffy tells Xander, who let's out a sigh of defeat.

"This conversation is so not over." he tells Buffy.

"Okay. We'll pick it up when Cordy's around to defend herself. Now come on. We have to bust up a Zombie harvesting operation. Who's with me?" she asks.

Xander reluctantly raises his hand after Willow's elbow helps him make the right decision.


Sunnydale High School, The Library.





"That was fast. How did it go?" asks Giles.

"Eh. We went. Saw the Zombie. Buffy had a fit and went all Arnold on it's ass and Chris promised not to do it again. Eric lied, but what can you do?" reports Xander.

"You... Not much, but I on the other hand can have a few words with our would be necromancer." says Giles. "I'm just going to make a few calls. What about Chris? I notice you don't include him in your complaint." he adds.

"No. Chris did this for his brother. Not the most stable decision, but with the hellmouth giving off these vibes, I think it's safe to say he was a tiny bit driven. He promised not to do it again, and he does have a great future ahead of him as a surgeon..." says Willow.

"... Or an undertaker, take your pick." says Xander putting his own spin on things.

"Anyway. Mystery of the headless horseman is solved. Oh wait that was yesterday. I'm going home." says Buffy.

"We'll walk with you. If you don't mid the company?" says Willow.

"The more the merrier." Buffy tells her. "I wonder what Angel and Cordelia are doing?" she adds.

"Wanna swing by...?" asks Willow.

"... Okay. You twisted my arm." replies Willow.

"Are you jealous?" asks Xander.

"Not really? But I'm just a touch curious." she says.

"Don't you mean 'Bi-Curious'" asks Xander.

"Nope. I already know I'm Bi. Curiosity satisfied, thank you very much. I couldn't admit it before. But I can now. I even have a thing for Willow here, which is why I tease her, but I'm a one guy, one gal girl. I so am not gonna cheat on either of them. But you never know what the future brings..." she tells them with a smile.

*Hubba hubba.* says Xander.

*Just bide out time and don't you do anything to spoil it. Or I'm so,removing them and, stuffing, and mounting...* replies Willow.

*Okay. Okay. Okay. I get the message. No more digs at Angel, or Cordy. Jeez Wills, obsessed much?* he asks.

*Better believe it.* she confirms.

They leave the library behind while Giles makes his calls.

Stewie in his office notes their progress and moves on to other plans. After all there was a world with his name on it, just waiting for him to claim it.

End of Chapter.
Next Chapter
StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking