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Stewie can do better.

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Story

Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628618749,95330 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

Who's afraid of the Big Bad Pink...

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Check previous disclaimers.
*Mental conversation*



Summers Residence, 1630 Revello Drive, Dawn's Room.





"AAAAEEEEEIIIII!!!!"

Buffy and Joyce sprint to Dawn's room. Buffy gets there first and crashes through the door.

Dawn's thrashing in bed screaming her head off.

"Oh God! Not again!" says Joyce.

"She really should stop watching that stupid show." says Buffy in exasperation.

"She can't help it. But I don't think she watched it this week." Joyce tells her.

"Come on Dawn. Wake up." says Buffy gently. She stays a few feet away from the bed. After a few minutes Buffy's gentle voice penetrates through Dawn's nightmare and brings her out.

Dawn wakes up with a start and as soon as she sees Buffy and her mother she throws herself into their arms. Mother and daughter do their best to reassure Dawn that she was safe and that her nightmare is over.

"Where's Stewie?" asks Buffy.

"He's at the office. He and Xander are going over the new space fighter they built for Jack. If it wasn't so important I wouldn't let him stay up this late." replies Joyce.

"I still say he has something to do with this." accuses Buffy.

"Buffy! What a terrible thing to say about your brother. Sure he and Dawn tease each other, but this is a lot more serious." admonishes Joyce.

"Still... I mean, she was never scared of the pink idiot before, not until Stewie played that trick on her." says Buffy.

"Buffy that's enough. I don't want you scaring her anymore." demands Joyce.

"..." Buffy takes a deep breath and backs off. Deep down, she knows Stewie is responsible for Dawn's Barney phobia. One way or another she's going to prove it.



Sunnydale, SRL Building, Roof.





Xander lands the Hell-Dog Mark II space fighter on the roof of the SRL Building. From the outside the airframe was still the same. On the inside it was a radical re-design of the space fighter. Stewie has reverse engineered the Goa'uld Death Glider, and Al'Kesh fighters, and they now incorporate several additions.

A new inertia drive and force fields were added with bigger, and faster firing Plasma Cannons. Everything else stays the same. The anti-gravity and propulsion systems were superior to the Death Glider. The Al'Kesh engines were to big to add, but an improved model, with a star drive would be going into the 'New Corvette Class' ships that he was building in the Channel Islands under ground factories.

The upgrade package was now part of the SS-JS. Stewie's private ship.

Xander hops out of the fighter, and walks around to make sure everything was where it was supposed to be. Teal'C has made sure that was something to do after every flight, in a safe location. Xander flies up to the orbiting Ha'tak Stewie lent the SGC, every Friday for lessons with Teal'C. Everything from martial arts to flying in the new fighters. At present there were two Hell-Dog fighter squadrons, along with the Death Glider and Al'Kesh squadron's protecting the planet, and the solar system.

There were a couple of Disney Robot teams working on fixing K'lorel's Ha'tak, working under the direction of professor Ludwig Von Drake's A.I.. The Robot's cut repair time for the damaged Ha'tak from one year to six month.

They also housed the Mighty Ducks for added security.

"How was it?" asks Stewie.

"It handles like a dream boss." replies Xander. After over twenty four sessions in Stewie's simulations, he could assemble the fighter in his dreams. The flight sim, was to die for, easily the best V.R. computer game he's ever played.

"Good. Come on. I want a full debrief on the latest test results." he commands.

"Right behind you Stewie." says Xander. "How was Buffy's patrol?" he asks. He was Buffy's patrol partner, anytime he has to do something for Stewie, he makes sure someone will take his place, to watch Buffy's six. Usually it was Willow and Marcie, but lately Cordy was going along. She called it her weird date night. Marcie also caught sight of Angel watching them from the shadows.

"According to Willow it sucked. No action to speak of. Just a couple of new fledge-lings." Stewie tells him.

"Good. I don't want anything to happen to them, while I'm away." he says.

"Like I would let anything hurt my sister." scoffs Stewie.

"You mean other than you?" replies Xander.

"Yes." Stewie answers. "And even then, nothing permanent." he adds.

"Oh. Before I forget Captain Carter's coming by tomorrow. She wants to go over the new plans for the 'New Corvettes.' She wants to add something that the Tok'ra gave them." reports Xander.

"No. She'll have to wait for the next batch. If she keeps interrupting production Those ships will not even get off the ground until next year. It's better to have something in place and upgrade it, rather than do with out. She can make the changes to the Mark II Corvette. She's not getting near this batch until it's in orbit. She can play to her heart's content with them, after I deliver them." complains Stewie.

"Hey, take it easy boss man. Don't shoot the messenger. I'm just giving you the heads up." Xander says trying to calm Stewie down.

Stewie grumbles, but he backs down. It's not Xander's fault, that, that insufferable woman keeps butting her nose into his business. The new ships were an improved version of the Tel'taks. Four times as big. More Armor and firepower, but still Corvettes. They were there to patrol the solar system, and the star systems close to Earth.

He was making plans to build a starship dock over Mars. Out of the way of prying eyes. He was also building a smaller facility, to build fighters inside the moon Phobos. It was under the supervision of a Stewie A.I. The basic plan would follow a stripped down Ha'tak, without the frills. After all a Ha'tak was a carrier, not a main line battle ship. That wouldn't come until later.

"Could we wait a little bit before you kick my ass? Teal'C put me through the ringer." asks Xander.

"You have a hour. Have Kara make us an early breakfast while you're at it." replies Stewie.

"Yes! I knew I liked you for a reason." he says, as he sprints off the roof, and goes inside.

Stewie watches him go for a few seconds and then turns his gaze to the heavens. 'Just you wait. I'm coming for you.' he thinks. He then follows Xander inside.






Summers Residence, 1630 Revello Drive.





Xander sits down for his second breakfast of the day. Kara's breakfast has already been used up from the workout. His bruises were already fading. They would be gone before breakfast was over. 'A Joyce breakfast is an occasion never to be missed. The food. The company. Joyce, the food. Buffy, the food, Dawnie, the food, Joyce...' his mind takes him back to that night that Joyce used him and Willow as her chew toys. He still has hopes of being under her spell again and again, with, or without Willow. They've discussed it and they've agreed if the opportunity ever comes up to take advantage, as long as the other partner got to re-live the details. As far as Willow and Xander were concerned Joyce was a special case. If they can't have Buffy, they were so going for Joyce. Not so much Marcie, but she was a difficult girl to please. So long as they didn't rub her nose in it, she was fine.

"Hey Dawnie, What's wrong? Are you feeling okay? You've hardly touched your breakfast. Usually it's a race between you and me to see who eats the most." he asks his favorite Summers twin.

"It's nothing Xander." she replies in a subdued voice.

"That's not the face of a girl with nothing on her mind. Come on. Spill..." he says.

"She had a nightmare." replies Buffy.

"Buufffyyyy! You're not supposed to tell. You promised." whines Dawn.

'That's the most life she's had in her all morning.' thinks Joyce. 'Maybe I can use her crush on Xander to bring her out of her shell?' she thinks. "Come on Dawn. Xander's almost family. You can tell him about your Barney nightmare. I'm sure he'll understand." she says with a special smile for Xander.

Xander goes weak in the knees at Joyce's smile.

"Y-Yes. Sure, sure thing Mrs. S. Family. So a Barney phobia is it?" he says seriously. "I I've heard of reports of the bastard's true horror, but I didn't know his evil ways have reached their sinister tentacles to my Dawnmiester. Come here Dawnie..." he says inviting her into a hug.

Dawn drops her piece of bacon, back on her plate and runs into Xander's arms. She sobs her heart out as Xander hugs the stuffing out of her.

"There, there Dawnie. Tell me all about it, and together we'll lay a trap for this bastard, and we'll slay his ass before comes for another nocturnal visit." he promises.

"You, you promise?" she sobs.

"Cross my heart and hope to..." he says crossing his heart.

Dawn again buries her head inside his chest.

'She's really milking it for all she's worth. Good for her. he'll make good catch when she's older.' thinks Joyce. She could see that Xander was good for Dawn, and she could see that Xander had genuine affection for her little girl. 'Why can't Buffy find a nice guy like Xander, hell Xander himself is a catch and a half. And since she's started seeing Cordelia, having Willow as part of that group would keep her happy for life. I wouldn't mind taking them both for another session or two. If this dry spell doesn't end soon, I just might have to scratch that itch with them again. What the hell is wrong with the men in this town?' she thinks.

By this time Dawn tells Xander all about how Barney went from a lovable morning kids show host to being the big bad in her life.

Xander promises to track down the cause and help her take appropriate action to end his crusade of terror.

All this time Stewie watches as his twin sister twist his head henchman around her little finger. He was proud of her progress. 'Now to tweak those nightmares a bit, and let's see how she handles the added pressure.' he thinks as he takes another bite out of his omlet. 'Umm, mother really outdid herself today.' he pushes the dish away. "That was absolutely delecious. I don't know how you do it. You are the best mother ever." he tells her.

"I second that emotion." Xander replies smiling at Joyce.

Her return smile turns his knees to jelly. "Why thank you both." she replies.

"Yeah mom. Breakfast was great." adds Buffy missing out on all the hidden messages going back and forth.

"Come on pain. Giles wants us in the library early this morning. We have training. I need to get Cordy up to speed." says Buffy pulling Stewie behind her.

"Buffy? Where are you going? You promised you'd take Dawn to her lesson today. I have an buyer coming in from San Fransisco. I can't miss it." says Joyce.

"Sorry mom. End of the world stuff comes first. Let's go Disco Stew." she replies dragging Stewie behind her.

"It's okay Joyce. I'll stay with Dawn. I'll make sure she gets where she needs to be today." offers Xander.

"YES!!!" shouts Dawn in joy, all traces of her night time ordeal forgotten.

Joyce looks at her youngest daughter as she does the 'Dance of Joy' and gives in. "Alright. But Dawn, if I hear you've been giving Xander a hard time..."

"No! No! No! I'll be on my best behaviour. Xander won't even know I'm there." she begs.

"Don't worry Joyce. I'll take care of her." says Xander trying to convince Joyce that it would be okay.

"Alright." Joyce capitulates. "Dawn go get washed up. You have a gymnastics class in an hour." she tells Dawn.

Dawn eeps and runs off to get ready.

"As for you..." she says stalking up to Xander slowly. "... How can I ever thank you?" she says, as she whispers into his ear. "I'll think of something. Tonight I'm going to need someone to escort me to dinner. Are you up to it?" she asks seductively.

"I, I, I..." Xander tries to answer, but Joyce's scent overpowers his higher brain functions.

"I'll take that as a yes. I want you in that Tux I bought you. Don't be late." she says, as she gives him a light kiss on his cheek.

Xander falls down at her feet from the lack of blood in his brain.

Joyce laughs lightly over his spasming body.

'I still got it. I can hardly wait to scratch that annoying itch.' she thinks. The anticipation of what she'll do to that young man tonight makes her steps lighter than air, as she walks out. 'Now if only Buffy would get over her obsession with that walking corpse...'


Sunnydale, Mortimer's Old Ice Cream Parlor.





Late into the afternoon Xander and Dawn were eating from the same ice cream bowl. Mortimer's 'Ultimate Sunday' creation. The ten gallon hat Sunday. Mortimer servers it in an exact replica of a glass lined ten gallon hat. It was big enough to lose a child inside it.

Not many people were brave enough to handle his ultimate creation, but the Harris boy was one of the few brave souls willing to try. Mortimer always had a soft spot for Xander. Once a year he gave the lad a huge discount on the 'Ultimate Sunday' on his birthday.

Lately Xander was almost a regular. Bringing in his girls for this ultimate treat. He still gave him the discount.

"Mmmm... Boy... Xander... That's the best Sunday ever." says Dawn between bites. She was flying on cloud nine, from the sweets and from spending the day with her crush.

Xander the ever clueless. Was just happy that his Dawnmiester was feeling better.

They were sitting side by side. Dawn wouldn't have it any other way. Xander was inside the booth and she was sitting on the outside. Currently she was almost sitting in Xander's lap she was so close, but her attentions were divided between eating the ice cream and staying as close to Xander as possible.

Xander uses his napkin to wipe some ice cream from her cheeks. Dawn gives him a huge smile in thanks.

For Xander it was so worth it. Dawn was one of his all time favorite people on the planet. Her safety and happiness was very important to him.

"It doesn't look like we'll be able to finish this Dawnie..." he tells her.

"... Can we get it to go?" she asks.

"Sure. I'll ask Morty for a take out container." he tells her.

He moves out of the booth and walks over to the cash register.

"Hi Jackie." he greets Mortimer's wife. Long ago Jackie had taken a liking to the young scamp and told him to call her Jackie. Since she gave him a free ice cream cone as an incentive, he has been calling her that ever since.

"Hi Xander. Who's your young friend?" she asks, smiling brightly.

"That's Dawn Summers. She's a friend of mine. She's Buffy's sister. You remember the short blond girl I brought over last spring?" he asks.

"Sure do. She was a delicate little thing." she replies.

Xander snorts.

"Xander Harris! That's not very polite." she says.

"Not if you knew her like I do. That little girl is the Slayer." he tells Jackie.

"What? Her... How do you like them apples?" she replies.

"Go figger. Anyway. That's her sister. She's a friend of mine as well." he tells her.

"Another one of Xander's girls?" says Jackie shaking her head.

"I, I, uh, um you could say that." he replies.

Dawn gives a squeal of joy from the booth. She was eavesdropping and she almost lost it when she heard that Xander considers her as one of his girls.

Jackie smiles at Xander's groan.

"Isn't she a little too young yet." she teases the red faced teen.

"Nope." replies Dawn as she walks up behind Xander. "Hi! I'm Dawn." she says extending her hand to Jackie.

"Hi Dawn. You can call me Jackie. All my kids do." Jackie tells her.

"Okay Jackie. What do we owe you?" she asks.

"It's already taken care of Dawnie." says Xander showing her his card. "Company card, don't you know..." he says winking.

"Your making Stewie pay for it... Cool!" she says.

"See you later Jackie. Bye Morty!" he yells to Mortimer's in the back.

The middle aged man waves back, as Xander and Dawn leave his place.



Summers Residence, 1630 Revello Drive.





Xander drops Dawn off at her home at five o'clock in the afternoon. Joyce opens the door. she was getting dressed for tonight's dinner party. She was putting on her earrings when the doorbell rang.

"Hi you two. How was your day?" she asks.

"It was the best day ever mom. Can Xander take me to my lessons on Saturday from now on?" Dawn asks bouncing on her toes.

Joyce looks at her youngest daughter and frowns. "Just how much sugar did you stuff her with?" she asks Xander. "She's ready to hit the roof." she says.

"Not, not that much. Let's see there was the Twinkies and... and there was that um, and the, the... Uh, Mortimer's and... Okay. I confess. A lot." he finally caves, and confesses his sins.

Joyce sighs. "I've called Mrs Bradley. She'll be here in a few minutes. I'll tell her you can stay up until you burn off all that sugar." she turns to Xander and looks him over. "Aren't you forgetting something?" she asks.

"Uh, no." he says checking to make sure Dawn has everything with her.

Joyce sighs again. "Xander you're supposed to be my escort. I know I'm imposing, but could you please get ready? I'll pick you up at your place." she says.

"Okay. I'd better hurry." he says as he runs off.

Joyce and Dawn watch as Xander runs to his home. They sigh together. They look at each other. "You're too young. Wait until you're a little older." Joyce tells her daughter.

"But I want him now." she whines.

"You're too young. You need to learn how to walk, before you can run." she tells her as she finshes getting ready.

"What the hell does that mean. I bet that's something adults tell kids if they don't have a real answer." complains Dawn.

"Dawn Marie! watch the potty mouth young lady." Joyce warns Dawn with a steel like voice.

"Sorry mom." replies an unrepentant Dawn.

Joyce sighs, "Honey. there really isn't a better answer than that. You have to wait until you're older, to understand." Joyce tries to explain.

"I don't care. I want him now." she pouts.

"I know. But you also know that he's not going to do anything like that with you. He knows better. That's one of the reason why I trust you with him. If you don't know better, he does." she says with a smile. "I'm not saying you can't try to reel him in, just don't count on it working until you're old enough." she explains.

"That sucks. I'm going to my room." she says going up with the big bag that says Mortimer's. She detours to the kitchen and grabs a spoon. And walks back up the stair with a look of determination. She was so going to finish that ten gallon hat of ice cream, even if it killed her. 'Death by ice cream! Take that!' she thinks, as she closes the door behind her.

Joyce watches Dawn, and holds in the laughter with an iron will, but as soo as the door closes behind her, she burst out into a huge belly laugh. 'Thank God Stewie sound proofed the house.' she thinks.


Sunnydale.




The limo rolls by Xander's house. Xander stands in front of his house in a Tux. He's been waiting for the last eight minutes. It stops and Xander gets in the back.

"My but you clean up nicely." says Joyce.

"WOW!" he says, as soon as he sees Joyce. "You're a knockout!" he tells her.

"Why Xander you charmer. Thank you. If you play your cards right you can get lucky tonight." she tells him.

"I'm already lucky. I'm with a beautiful woman, and she's about to feed me. It doesn't get much better than this." he says with a grin.

"Oh it can, and you'd better believe it will." she replies with a seductive laugh.




Summers Residence, 1630 Revello Drive.





The limo rolls to a stop in front of 1630 Revello Drive. It was close to four in the morning. Everyone in the house was asleep, even Buffy the Slayer in her room.

Joyce walks out of the limo with Xander right behind her. He's a little worse for wear. Joyce had chewed him up like a rubber toy and spit him out. Since Willow wasn't their to divert Joyce, Joyce only gave him a little time to recover before she went at him all over again.

Her itch was scratched and she was feeling mellow. "Come in. I'll make you a pot of coffee and you can stay with us. It's too late to go home now." she tells him.

Xander agrees, as Joyce opens the front door. A red beam scans her and the door opens at her touch. Xander walks in behind her.

"Join me in the kitchen?" she asks.

"Right behind you." he replies. If she asks, he was more than willing to go the distance, right to death's door if need be. 'But what a way to go.' he thinks.

Joyce gets busy preparing a pot of coffee. There's a huge smile of satisfaction on her face that just can't seem to go away. 'If only he was a few years older. I would never let go.' she thinks. She presses a button and a monitor drops from the cupboard. She checks the rooms to make sure that her children are in bed. Like they're supposed to be. And they are.

"Looks like everyone's out, even Stewie." notices Xander.

"That they are. This was one of the first thing I asked Stewie to install for me. It's a huge load off my mind to be able to look in on them and make sure they're alright. I know Buffy has to go out, but I feel a lot better knowing that you're there to keep her safe." she says.

"With my very life Joyce." Xander tells her

Joyce believes every word.

'God just a few years older for him and a few years younger for me...' she sighs 'If my idiot daughters let him slip through there fingers I'm so gonna grab this stud. Mine!' she thinks. 'Buffy is a lost cause and Dawn is too young. If no one else comes along to divert her attentions He's gonna be mine. Him and Willow. I don't mind a bit of AC/DC once in a little while. She's just as yummy as he is.'

Joyce gets busy, and after a few minutes the pot is ready. She pours two steaming mugs of coffee.

Xander takes his with a nod of thanks and takes a small sip. he nods his appreciation. Like everything Joyce does, it was out of this world great.

"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Why don't you relax, until I come back down?" she asks.

"I'll be waiting on pins and needles." he tells her.

She laughs, and with a light and gentle caress she goes to her room to change.

Xander sips his coffee while he waits for her.

after a minute he wonders by the door to Stewie's lab. He hears a faint noise. he puts his cup on the kitchen table and opens the door. As soon as he touches the door nob he gets scanned by six different systems. The door opens. He was one of the very few people on the planet with access.

He walks down the stairs, the door closes behind him. He comes to a sudden stop at the sight before him.

Stewie was lying on a cot with wires leading from his head to a glowing device. On the device there's a monitor. It was displaying a horror scene where a monstrous Barney was chasing Dawn.

He looks around for a way to stop it. He couldn't decipher the buttons on the device, but power flows through wires and so he traces the power to an outlet and pulls the plug.

Stewie wakes up right away. He blinks and looks around. "Xander, did you pull the plug?" he asks.

"Yes I did." Xander replies without a single hint of a smile. The class clown was gone, and the Alpha was in the house. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks.

"Making my sister stronger." he says.

"Not like this. Come up with another method, or this secret's out." he threatens.

Stewie looks at Xander and scans his physical and mental aura. He can see that he was deadly serious. He considers his options. He could destroy him, but that would be a waist of a good henchman. The man was too loyal, but barring a few limits, he would be loyal to him and his family to his dying days. But in this instance, Dawn was part of Xander's family, his Pack. He could understand his feelings. "Alright." he finally concedes. "I'll come up with another way. Happy?" he asks.

"Ecstatic, but you aren't getting off so easy. You're going to have to pay for what you've already done." says Xander.

"What do you have in mind?" asks Stewie revising the plans he has to destroy his head minion.



Sunnydale.




Down main street a young boy, almost a young man walks through the downtown district. In a very pink, tutu. He struts his way up and down the street. 'Eh. It's a small price to pay. It's not like I care about the opinion of a few insects.' he thinks.

As he walks ion front of a busy coffee shop, two businessmen look at the scene and smile at each other. The rest of the patrons laugh at the scene,

Stewie ignores it all.

From several angles people video tape the young boy as he walks up and down.

He sees them and couldn't care less. He raises his middle finger and salutes everyone as he walks to the end of the street and gets into his limo.

End of Chapter.
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