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Stewie can do better.

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Story

Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628618751,37930 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

School... Meh!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Check previous disclaimers.
*Mental conversation*



Unearthly Plane of the Powers That Be.





Erica was a Power. At the moment she was laughing her ass off. "BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

A/N
See. I told you so.

She keeps playing the scene over and over.

Her younger sister Jasmine was fed up.

"Erica! Would you please knock it off?" she pleads.

"B-B-But look at it. He's just so cute in that outfit. I could just gobble him up and eat him, pink tutu and all." says Erica.

Stewie was rapidly becoming her favorite mortal of all time. The kid had so much potential. Oh sure he scared half of the older Powers shit-less, but that was their problem. She couldn't wait until that kid ascends, just so she can lay claim to him. 'Mine!' the thought kept repeating through her head.

"How can you like that, that little monster. Did you see what he did to my Cordelia, and even his sister didn't escape his depravity. Our Champions might as well be pets that play fetch for him." says the angry young Power. Her frustration evident with every word she utters.

"Oh come on. That was funny. Besides, what the hell do you have to complain about? He just improved your girl's chances of survival by a factor of ten. He made her even stronger than he is. All the Slayers except that new one, are stronger than he is. And they're doing their jobs a heck of a lot better, than ever before." Erika tells her whiny, and slightly bitchy sister.

True she was a lot bitchier with the other Powers, but she cured her of that condition when they were together. Bitch slapping her when she was a new born Power cured her of that condition, but from time to time she keeps backsliding. She so wants to remind her, but she holds off just in case she has the good sense to recognize that she's treading on thin ground.

"He did not improve her, he's breaking the agreement between us." she complains.

"Oh. How exactly is he breaking the agreement? Is she under his, or anyone's control, or domination?" asks Erika.

"No, but he's turning her from her path by making it possible to hook up with his sister. How will I be born, if she's not interested in men?" she asks.

"You are such a tunnel vision kinda of girl. Your way or the highway. I'd agree with you if she was just shaking up with the Slayer, but she's not. If anything her affections for our souled Champion, have moved up your timetable. He's even made it possible for her to survive becoming a seer. You are just being whiny, because it's not going according to your plan. Why argue with results, who cares how she gets there, so long as she does. I swear, if I hear you whine, one more time..." Erika threatens her sister, menace dripping from each word. She scares her sister with a flashback to the first time she had to take corrective measures. 'She's such a whiny bitch. I can't wait until she descends. Maybe then I'll have some peace then? After all it's the only reason I'm helping the silly girl.' she thinks.




Bill Gates Office.





"BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA-HA-HA!!! HE, HE, HE HAHAHAHAHA!!! SOMEONE STOP THIS THING!" shouts Bill to one of his aids to turn off CNN. The moment he saw Stewie in the pink tutu. He lost it. "Make sure to record that and put it in my personal library." he commands. "BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" he laughs as Stewie gives everyone the finger and gets into his limo.



Sunnydale, City Hall.





"Ah Allan come in. So, what's the word on the street about our latest power monger?" Mayor Wilkins asks his Deputy.

"Ah, ah, the word. I, that is, it looks like Mr. Summers may have lost a bet. But no one's laying claim as to who it might be with." replies Deputy Mayor Allan Finch.

"Hmm, very interesting. You know what this means Allan?" asks Richard Wilkins the I, II and III.

"W-What's that sir?" he asks.

"It means that Mr. Summers is willing to keep his word. No matter how humiliating it might be. It means we can do business with him in the future, and he'll stick to it. That's very good news in my book. I don't mind telling you that, that young man had me a tad nervous, but this is very good news indeed. Keep an eye on things Allan, and invite the young man and his charming mother to dinner. I think a bit of blackmail might be in order. By the way is the tape from last night's escapades of Mrs. Summers and young Mister Harris in the vault?" he asks.

"Yes sir. No one's getting their hands on it, unless you say so." Allan confirms.

"Good man Allan. Why don't you and your family take a well deserved vacation. My treat of course." says the Mayor with a smile.

"Yes sir. Thank you sir." replies Allan taking his leave. Long ago, as a matter of survival he leans to recognize a dismissal when he hears it.




Sunnydale High School, Snyder's Office.





"A lot of educators tell students, 'Think of your principal as your pal.'" says Snyder, as he lectures to Buffy and Sheila. "I say, 'Think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner.' Tell me, who do you think is the most troublesome student in this school?" he asks.

Sheila, looks blase', and Buffy, looks apprehensive.

"Well, it is quite a match between you two. On the one hand, Buffy hasn't stabbed a horticulture teacher with a trowel." he continues.

"I didn't stab anyone with a trowel. They were pruning shears." replies Sheila, not caring at all.

"On the other hand, Sheila has never burned down a school building." Snyder continues, ignoring Sheila's answer.

"W-well, that was never proven. The Fire Marshall said i-it coulda been mice." replies Buffy.

"Mice." says Snyder, not believing a word.

"M-mice that were smoking?" Buffy tries again.

"The two of you seem to be tied in the class-cutting and fight-starting events. You really are neck and neck here. It's quite exciting." he says.

"What does the winner get?" asks Sheila.

"Expelled." he says, Buffy looks at him in shock. "Thursday is Parent-Teacher night. Your parents, assuming you have any, will meet your teachers, assuming you have any left. I've decided to put the two of you in charge of this event. You have three days to prepare the refreshments, make the banners and transform the school lounge into a habitable place for adults. This will incur my good will. And may affect what I tell your parents when I meet them. Are we clear?" he asks.

"I'm clear." says Buffy. She turns to Sheila and asks, "Don't you feel clear?" Sheila just looks back at her. "We're very clear." she tells Snyder.

"Good. Because you mess up this time, and your parents will be coming to clean out your lockers." says a smug Snyder.


Sunnydale High School, The School's Main Entrance.





As the bell rings. Buffy and Sheila come walking out of the building.

"Well, it shouldn't be that hard. We can work on the banners at lunch tomorrow and figure out refreshments then?" says Buffy to Sheila.

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Sheila replies. "Hey, meatpie!" she yells to a guy she knows, and walks off leaving Buffy staring at her.

Xander and Willow walk up to Buffy.

"Snyder's got you guys making party favors, huh?" asks Xander.

"His two worst students. That's what mom sees when she looks at me. A Sheila." says Buffy.

Sheila kisses an older boy with long, blonde hair, and dark sun glasses.

"Well, Sheila's definitely intense. That guy with her? That's the guy she 'can' bring home to mother." Xander tells Buffy.

"She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once I was lookout for her." adds Willow.

"You're bad to the bone Wills." Xander tells her giving her a kiss.

"Ooh tingle-y." she tells him. "I'm a rebel." she adds.

"It's not fair. I'm the Slayer. That requires a certain amount of cutting and fighting. What's Sheila's excuse?" says Buffy. 'And where's Cordy so I can kiss her.' she thinks, not that she's jealous of her two best buds, but a girl has needs at a time like this.

"Homework. She won't do it. And most teachers respect that now. Oh, you might wanna keep away any sharp implements when you're working with her." explains Xander.

"Do you think any other Slayers ever had to go to high school?" Buffy asks in a serious tone.

"It's no biggie. You'll have a nice soire'e. The parents will love it. As long as nothing really bad happens between now and then, you'll be fine." says Xander, trying to cheer her up.

"Are you crazy? What did you say that for? Now something bad is gonna happen!" says Buffy in shock.

"Whadaya mean? Nothing's gonna happen." says Xander.

"Not until some dummy says, 'as long as nothing bad happens.'" says Willow with an elbow jab. *Man if the sex wasn't so good, I'd drop you like a hot potato.* she tells him privately.

"It's the ultimate jinx!" continues Buffy.

"What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all?" adds Willow out loud.

The girls give Xander looks of exasperation and walk off.

"Well, you guys don't know. Maybe this time it'll be different." he tells the girls, as they just abandon his sinking ship.




Sunnydale. At a Park at the Edge of Town.




A small park and playground that night.

A classic 1958 Dodge Desoto FireFlite crashes through the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign and screeches to a halt. Spike gets out and strolls over to the curb. He takes a deep breath and lights a cigarette.

"Home, sweet home." says Spike.

In his office Stewie sees the new arrival to his town, and tasks few Robot bats and owls to keep track of the newcomers.

The bots follow the car through the empty streets of Sunnydale, to a Warehouse that he owns. Another monitor comes online at the touch of a button, and he can see the mice playing inside and out.

Spike parks the Desoto, and talks to someone inside the car. He asks her to wait for him. "I'll be right back Luv." he says.

Inside the Warehouse where the Collin gang was hiding out Stewie can hear a discussion taking place.

A Vampire says, "The Master is dead. Someone has to take his place."

"As long as the Slayer and her brother are alive, whoever takes his place will be sharing his grave." replies another Vamp.

"Then let the soul who kills her wear his mantle." says the first Vamp.

"Can you do it?" asks Collin.

"Yes. This weekend, the night of St. Vigeous, our power shall be at its peak. When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the crucifixion. And I should know. I was there." says the first Vamp.

"'You' were 'there'?" chuckles Spike, as he appears behind them. "Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock."

"I oughta rip your throat out." says the first Vamp, who will now be called Fodder.

Spike turns his back to him and strolls away. "I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson, and I spent the next six hours watchin' my hand move." he says not even bothering with Fodder.

Fodder rushes him from behind, and Spike swings his fist up without even looking, hitting him in the face and knocking him down and out.

"So. Who do you kill for fun around here?" asks Spike.

"Who are you?" asks Collin.

"You're that Anointed guy. I read about you." replies Spike. "You've got Slayer problems. That's a bad piece of luck. Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them." he says to another vamp.

"Can you?" asks Collin.

"A lot faster than Nancy-boy there. Yeah, I did a couple Slayers in my time. I don't like to brag. Who am I kidding? I 'love' to brag! There was this one Slayer during the Boxer Rebellion, and..." Spike tells Collin.

He senses someone behind him and turns his head to look as he morphs into his human guise.

"Drusilla. You shouldn't be walking around. You're weak." Spike says walking over to Drusilla.

"Look at all the people. Are these nice people?" she asks spike.

"We're getting along." Spike answers.

"This one has power. I could feel it from the outside." says Drusilla, as she stares at Collin. "So does the other one." she says doing a pirouette.

"Yeah. He's the big noise in these parts. Anointed, and all that. But what other one are you talking about?" he asks.

"The good child. I like him. His eyes are caressing my body even as we speak. He's everywhere." she says looking around. "Do you like daisies? Hmm?" she asks Collin. "I plant them, but they always die. Everything I put in the ground withers and dies. Spike? I'm cold.

"I've got you." he says, as he puts his jacket around her.

"I'm a princess." she says.

"That's what you are." he confirms.

She pricks Spike on the cheek with her fingernail, and a bead of blood flows out. She reaches up and licks it off. They move close to kiss but don't, and instead look over at Collin.

"Me and Dru, we're movin' in. Now. Any of you want to test who's got the biggest wrinklies 'round here... step on up." when there are no takers, he turns to Collin and says, "I'll do your Slayer for you. But you keep your flunkies from tryin' anything behind my back. Deal?" he asks.

Collin nods. Drusilla bows her head down and puts her hands to her temples.

"I can't see her. The Slayer. I can't see. It's dark where she is. Kill her. Kill her, Spike. Kill her for me? Remember, leave the good child alone, or he will be the death of you." Dru tells spike.

"It's done, baby."

"Kill her for princess? And promise, don't go after the good child."

"I'll chop her into messes. And I'll leave the good child alone, just for you. How will I recognize this good child Luv?" he asks.

"You can't miss him my sweet... my little Spike." she says.

"So. How 'bout this Slayer? Is she tough?" Spike asks Collin.


Sunnydale, SRL Building.





"Interesting. A vampire seer. And an insane one at that. Looks like Angel's family have come for a visit." says Stewie.

"William the Bloody and Drusilla the mad. A formidable pair." says Kara.

"You don't say. I think I'm in the market for a seer. And that one just decided to walk into my home all by herself." replies Stewie.




Summers Residence, 1630 Revello Drive, Buffy's Room.





Buffy's standing at her mirror, trying to brush her hair. "Ow!" she says as she puts too much oomph into the last brush.

"What's wrong?" asks Joyce.

"I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse, and it's neither creamy nor rinsey." says Buffy.

"Life is hard, dear. But don't worry. I'll make an appointment with my hairdresser. He'll fix you up in no time." says Joyce with a bright motherly smile.

"Is that a split end?" she asks horrified at the prospect.

"I'll call him now." says Joyce.

"Good." replies Buffy with a tired sigh.

"Got the mail today. Which included a reminder notice about Parent-Teacher night. Thursday." says Joyce.

"That's good." says Buffy.

"Which you were planning on telling me about?" asks Joyce.

"Oh, for... The last two weeks." Buffy says, turning to face her mother.

"Uh-huh. So, what do you think your teachers are gonna tell me about?" she asks.

"Well, I think they'll all agree that I always bring a pen to class, ready to absorb the knowledge." she says, sitting on her bed.

"And, uh, this absorption rate? How is it reflected in your homework and test scores?" she asks.

"What can you really tell about a person from a test score?" asks Buffy.

"Whether or not she's ever going out with her friends again." Joyce tells her.

"Oh, that." she replies.

"Well, I look forward to meeting your principal." says Joyce.

"Won't that be something." says Buffy.

"Look, sweetheart. Life is more than grades and homework and not getting kicked out of school." Joyce tells her oldest, as she sits next to Buffy.

"I know." says Buffy.

"But we moved once because of you getting in trouble. And I had to start a new business, not to mention a new life in a whole new town. I know you're the Slayer, but Stewie and Willow should be able to keep your nose above the academic challenges your facing. We're all there for you, but I want you to promise me that you'll always do your best."

"I will mom." promises Buffy.

"That's all I ask. Don't worry honey. If you try your best I know I will never be disappointed in you. You can do whatever you want and accomplish anything if you give it an honest effort. That's all I ask." says Joyce.


Sunnydale High School, The Lounge.





Buffy, Cordy and Willow are working on a banner.

"Sheila's a no-show? She goes to this really rank bar. The Fish Tank? Sometimes they have raids and other stuff that can make you tardy." reports Willow.

"D'you think you can help me cram some French tonight? I don't want Mr. DeJean telling my mother I'm an imbecile." Buffy asks Willow.

"I thought we were going to the Bronze tonight. 'Cause of how you thought Angel might show?" says Willow.

"If he does he'll meet some other nice girl? Maybe even Cordy here? Studying comes first." says Xander.

"We're going to the Bronze. I can study and party and do Parent-Teacher night and make my mother proud as long as I don't have to..." decides Buffy as she sees Giles and Jenny come walking in.

"Buffy!" says Giles.

"...fight vampires." continues Buffy with a sigh.

"There is nothing in the chronicles about a-an extraneous lunar cycle." Giles says to Jenny.

"The Order never accurately calculated the Mesopotamian Calendar. Rupert, you have 'got' to read something that was published after 1066." Jenny says to Giles.

"Very funny." he tells her, but he smiles as he says it.

"What's the up, guys?" asks Buffy.

"W-um, Ms. Calendar has been researching, well, uh, surfing on her computer, a-and she's... Well, according to her calculations, this Saturday is the night of St. Vigeous." explains Giles.

"Let me guess: he didn't make balloon animals." says Buffy.

"No, he led a crusade, of, of, uh, vampires. They swept through Edessa, Harran, and points east." Giles explains.

"And they didn't leave much behind." adds Jenny.

"Well, if I survive Parent-Teacher night tomorrow, I'll see what I can do about Saturday." Buffy tells Giles.

"You're being a tad flip, don't you think? This is serious." Giles asks Buffy.

"And getting kicked out of school is laughs aplenty?" asks Buffy.

"You know what happens when you, you let your life interfere with your slaying." Giles tells her.

"Okay, well, if my slaying doesn't get me expelled, then I promise my banner making won't get me killed, okay? Just please let me get through this week." Buffy tells Giles.

"This Saturday's going to need a great deal of preparation." says Giles.

"Why don't we get Stewie to make everything we'll need? He's the one with the factories and all." asks Cordelia.

"You know Cordelia, that is an excellent idea. Buffy, could, could you ask..." says Giles.

"... My very busy and vicious brother to make us weapons of mass Vampire destruction? I'd be happy to." replies Buffy. "Way to go Cordy." she says to Cordelia giving her a kiss that makes Giles uncomfortable.

*I don't know how to take this. I'm conflicted.* Xander tells Willow.

*What are you conflicted about?* she asks.

*On one hand. We hate Cordy, but on the other hand she pretty attractive, but we've been able to see deeper than her outward appearance to the true evil beneath. With me so far?* he asks.

*So far...* replies Willow.

*Good girl. On the other hand we love Buffy. Right?* he continues.

*Yep, we love Buffy.* she confirms.

*... And we've agreed that we both like to see and participate in some girl on girl action. Right?* he asks again.

*Still with, but could you please hurry up and get to the point?* she says.

*Willow, please. This is delicate deducting. You can't rush these things.* says Xander milking it.

*You've got to the count of ten.* she threatens.

*Okay, okay, take it easy...* he says.

*...One...* she says.

*Man you're getting pushy...* he says.

*...Two...* she continues.

*Anyway...* he says ignoring her count. *Is it bad if I think Buffy on Cordy action is hot?* he asks.

*...Three... Wait... ? What?* she blurts.

*Is it bad?* he asks again. *Y'know, Buffy, Cordy... Hello Willow, you still with me?* he asks.

*Yeah, yeah, hold your horses. That's a good one actually. I wasn't expecting that...* she replies.

*Oh look. There's Stewie. What do you think? Should we asks him?* he asks teasing her.

*What? No! Are you mad?* she asks.

*No! Now stop ducking the question. What do you think?* he asks.

*... Hot. Definitely 'HOT'!* she replies.

*How do you figger?* he asks.

*The good from Buffy cancels the bad from Cordelia and that leaves us with girl on girl action. And as you and I know, that's always hot.* she admits.

*Whew. I'm glad I'm not the only one then. 'Cause that was hot.* he says.

*Yeah I guess it was. I wonder what Stewie's doing here?* she says.

*You could always asks?* he tells her.

"Ah. Speak of the devil. Here comes Stewie." says Giles.

"Yes." says Jenny.

Snyder comes over, as well.

"You wouldn't be helping Buffy in Sheila's place, would you?" asks Snyder.

"No." replies Xander with a nervous laugh.

"We're hindering." says Willow.

"She ditched. " he says taking a deep breath. "Mm. I feel an expulsion coming on."

"No. No, actually, Sheila's been helping us for hours. Um, she just went to get some more paint." says Buffy defending Sheila.

Sheila comes in the door behind Buffy and takes off her glasses. Buffy notices Snyder looking behind her, turns around and sees her.

"Oh! Oh, is there no more teal in the art room? I know you wanted everything to be perfect, but let's just go with what we have." Buffy continues going over to stand beside Sheila.

Before Snyder can say anything else to threaten them with Stewie comes up behind him

"Uhm." says Stewie.

"Yes?" asks Snyder.

"Could you please do whatever it is you were going to do someplace else?" Stewie asks.

"Look you..." Snyder starts to sputter.

"Now!" says Stewie with a little more bite.

Snyder runs off without waiting to see what else the little terror was going to say. Not even the Mayor has been able to help him with this problem.

"Thanks for covering. Guy's a serious rodent. And you-are-one-seriously cool little dude. You're my new hero." says Sheila.

"No problem." replies Buffy.

"Thank you. I suppose I am. You can call me Super Stewie, but only in private." replies Stewie.

"Did you really burn down a school building one time?" she asks.

"Well, not actually one time." replies Buffy.

"Cool." replies Sheila.

"Sheila walk with me. I have a proposition you can't refuse." says Stewie.

She walks with, but asks, "Aren't you a little young for that...?"


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