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Stewie can do better.

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Story

Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628618749,95230 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

Insane you say...

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Check previous disclaimers.
*Mental conversation*



Sunnydale, Collin's Warehouse Hideout.






Queue theme from Mission Impossible.



Stewie and Kara wait for Spike to leave the room. As soon as he does, Kara shoots Drusilla with the powerful sleeping dart, before she eats Sheila. They jump down into the room.

"Hold still." Stewie tells Sheila, as he frees her. "Kara, could you please collect all these dolls. Put them in this sack." he says giving her the bag. "Oh, don't forget the note."

"I won't." replies Kara, while collecting the dolls.

As soon as Sheila's free she removes the gag and tries to scream. Stewie, slaps his hand over her face to stop her. She bites it. She takes another deep breath to scream and a punch to the diaphragm stops her, by expelling all the air in her lungs.

"You scream, and they'll come back to kill us. Shut up, and you'll live. Scream and I'll leave you as bait to slow them down. Nod once if you understand, or scream if you want to die." says Stewie.

Sheila nods. She wasn't totally stupid. That bitch was about to rip her throat out. She shouldn't have agreed to become a minion. She really shouldn't make such decision while under the influence. And that thing he shoved into her head. 'God I have a puppy inside my head. I like cats, I don't want some dog in there...' While she was busy regretting her choices, Stewie puts a harness around Sheila's waist and tugs on the line. She's hoisted into the air, to the opening in the Warehouse. He hitches a ride with her.

Kara takes a note and puts it on Drusilla's bed.

Note:

Spike.
You promised a good time.
But all I got was a gag and chain, and they weren't the fun kind.

You suck, and not in a good way.

P.S.
I've got your Princess.
Sheila.

As soon as Stewie reaches the roof, he lowers the harness again. Kara puts it on and within a minute she joins Stewie and Sheila on the roof.

"Take her inside." Stewie commands Kara.

"Sure thing boss." she replies. "C'mon hon. This'll be a blast" she tells Sheila.

"God! No more surprises. I shouldn't have agreed to any of this crap." she says hotly to Kara.

"Hey hon. Dial it back. I just work here." replies Kara, as she picks her up and throws her into the invisible, hovering ship.

Stewie and Kara can hear the muffled swearing. If they were still outside. Stewie was sure it would have every vamp on the roof in less than a minute.

"Did you have to throw her?" he asks.

"She's getting on my last nerve." she replies in a huff.

"Work it out between you. I don't need to be stuck in the middle of this Alpha bitch fight." he tells her.

She shrugs her shoulders and jumps into the ship. Stewie follows.




California Coast, Channel Islands.





The ship lands in the rough underground hanger. The entire area is one giant construction site hidden by a giant holographic field.

Brain was waiting impatiently for Stewie and the girls to walk out.

"What took you so long?" he asks.

"Sheila panicked." explains Kara.

"Wouldn't you. I so don't like playing vamp bait. From now on get someone else." shouts Sheila.

"I have someone for the girls, but I need someone for the guys. You're it. It was in the job description for female minion. Didn't you read the fine print before you signed?" asks Stewie.

"... Fine print...? Oh you little bastard..." replies Sheila.

"Not now sister. Put a sock in it." Brian tells her. "Did you get the insane bitch?" he asks Stewie.

"We got her, and all her dolls too." answers Stewie.

"That's another thing... What's with the dolls?" Brian asks.

"You'll find out." he tells Brian. "Kara take sleeping beauty to her chamber." he orders Kara. "Sheila. Help her out." he says leaving everyone behind.

Brian follows. When he pulls up next to Stewie he asks, "I've got the double ready. Are you sure you want to play it this way?" he asks.

"Unfortunately yes. I don't have the luxury of just killing everyone like I want. Too much interference from those who like to sit above us. I really think all they do is watch and eat popcorn, and laugh their asses off at our expense." replies Stewie. "Otherwise I would have just fire bombed the Warehouse, killed all the vamps, and collected the insurance money."

"I get you. Something should be done about those 'Pricks That Bore', be fore they get their noses too deep into our shit." agrees Brian.

"Too late for that now. But their time will come. Baby steps for now. We'll run with the big boys and girls when we're ready. They won't see us coming." says Stewie.

"Aren't you worried about them listening in...?" asks Brian.

"Wards. Lots and lots of wards. Not everything in the Watcher vault was crap. Their wards are first rate." replies Stewie.

When they reach Stewie's office, Brian goes straight to the female android. It has Drusilla's features. He sniffs it. "I don't think this will fool anyone. It smells off." explains Brian.

"Then rub the seer all over the body. Have them lie down together, and when the time's right, we'll put the vamp's dress on it and that should work. Remember keep them far enough and it won't be a problem." says Stewie.

Brian sighs. "I hope your right." he says.

"You know I'm always right." replies Stewie.

Brian snorts his opinion is well known.


Sunnydale High School, The Library.





The table is full of books, and Xander, Willow and Jenny are looking through them doing research.

"Spike. That's what the other vampire called him? That's a little unorthodox, isn't it?" asks Giles.

"Maybe he's reformed." says Buffy.

"Perhaps he went by another name in... times past." Giles ventures a guess.

"Well, whoever he is, we'll need all the help we can get come this Saturday." says Jenny.

"So, this night of St. Vigeous deal. If they're gonna attack in force, aren't we thinkin' lots of prayer and pass out the ammo?" asks Xander.

"We can't have a firefight in the school, that would be wrong. Could we hide? I mean, if that Spike guy is leading the attack, yeeehehehe." says Willow.

"That's right. Bullet holes are a pain to cover up." says Cordelia.

"Is that the voice of experience talking?" asks Xander.

Cordy gives him the finger.

"Well, he can't be any worse than any other creature you've faced." says Giles.

Angel suddenly appears out of nowhere. "He's worse. Once he starts something he doesn't stop until everything in his path is dead." he says.

"Hmm. So, he's thorough, goal-oriented." jokes Xander.

"We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show." asks Buffy.

"You said you weren't sure if you were going." says Angel.

"I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?" she asks.

"Oh come on Buffy. He's a guy. You have to club them over the head with the obvious. I don't do clues." says Cordelia.

"Good to know." replies Buffy.

"Wow, two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still, like, four hundred dates with four hundred different..." babbles Willow. Buffy and Cordy give her a look. Willow looks for anything to change the subject. She looks at the mace on the table and says, "Why do they call it a mace?"

*That's my willow.* Xander tells her.

*I, I, had nothing else... I, I, drew a blank. I panicked. I don't do well under pressure.* she confesses.

*I won't tell if you don't.* Xander walks over and places his hand on her shoulder to show his support.

Willow smiles at him.

"Xander please. Uh, we do have slightly more urgent matters to discuss." says Giles.

"Yeah, like keeping my mom away from Principal Snyder tomorrow night?" says Buffy.

"Yeah, like that's your biggest problem." says Cordy.

"And not dying Saturday." adds Jenny.

"I hear you." agrees Cordy.

"Angel, do you know if this Spike fellow goes under any other name?" asks Giles.

They all look where he was, but he has disappeared. The library doors finish shutting.

"Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy." says Xander in exasperation.




Sunnydale, Small Private Airport.





"Are you sure this guy will show?" asks Brian.

"Yes I'm sure. Now get ready." replies Stewie.

"Don't forget to put on your disguise... Remind me again, why this Hell-Dog we're using, is disguised like a bi-plane?" asks Brian.

"So he can see her, and smell her, and hear her... And since we couldn't get a bi-plane on such short notice, hence the disguise. Need I go on?" says Stewie pointing to the Drusilla android.

"This whole thing is wrong on so many levels. K.I.S.S." he tells Stewie.

Stewie looks at Brian.

"What?" asks the cyborg dog.

"What the hell does a seventies rock band have to do with anything?" he asks.

Brian slaps his paw over his forehead. "Not the rock band you idiot. K.I.S.S stands for Keep. It. Simple. Stupid." he explains.

"I see. That's all well and good for stupid people. That has absolutely nothing to do with me. Oh, Oh. Here comes Sheila teasing the lead vamps." says Stewie, as he puts the dog mask on.

Spike's Desoto burns rubber trying to catch Sheila's bike. She guns it and gains some ground. She runs to the bi-plane and jumps and hangs on to a handhold on the side.

The holographic field over the fighter starts to spin the propellers and the noise of an engine can be heard, as smoke belches from an attachment at the back of the fighter.

Spike skids the Desoto into a stop on the gravel and runs at the bi-plane.

"Stop right there leech." Brian threatens to Stake Drusilla with a stake. "We've got the bitch, and we're not afraid to use her. You'll get our demands when we're ready. Fly Puddles." Brain commands Stewie.

Spike starts to shout and curse as they fly off with his Dru.

"Someone has to pay. And they have to pay now!" he growls.

He gets back to the black tinted car and drives off.



Sunnydale High School, The Library.





Willow checks the crossbow with Amy and Joy. To minimize the damage from 'The Shovel' blasters, they went with the old reliable weaponry. Jenny walks behind her with extra pieces of wood to make stakes and sets them on the table between Aura, Cordelia, Harmony and Xander, who are whittling away. Jenny continues walking over behind Buffy. Buffy holds up a large sharp machete, then starts chopping something with it. The cucumber she dies under her cruel strike. She's preparing a vegetable tray.

"For three nights the unholy ones scourge themselves into a fury, um, culminating in a savage attack on the night of St. Vigeous." explains Giles.

"Does anybody remember when Saturday night meant date night?" asks Xander.

"You sure don't." replies Cordy.

"Hardy har har. That's all I have to say to you." he shoots back.

"Weak." says Aura.

Harmony nods in agreement. She was standing to the right of Cordy, Aura was to her left. Xander was on Aura's left, as far from her as possible. But ever since that night, she's been toning down her Harris revulsion. She can now stand to be in the same room as him without puking. She wasn't sure if it was an improvement, but a girl never knows when she'll need a helping hand in the future.

"Ooo! Parents start arriving in an hour. Okay, so, um, banners are in place, the lounge is comfy... What am I forgetting?" asks Buffy.

"Punch?" suggests Willow.

"Punch. I need, I need punch!" she replies.

"My fingers are cramping. How long have I been doing this?" asks Cordy.

"Three minutes." replies Xander.

"So, can I go now? She doesn't need this many stakes. I mean, if this guy Spike is as mean as you all said, it should be over pretty quickly. We're still all rooting for you on Saturday. I'd be there for you myself if I didn't have a leg wax." Buffy gives her the look. "Okay. I'll help you with the punch." she adds. 'The things I do to keep this relationship going...' she thinks.

"You guys hold down the fort. We're punch bound." says Buffy grabbing Cordy's hand.

They leave the library hand in hand. As soon as they're gone Xander, Aura and Harmony reach over to grab something off of the vegetable tray. Buffy sticks her head back in the door.

"No!" she says.

They all groan and drop the veggies back to the tray.



Sunnydale High School, The Student Lounge.





Buffy and Cordy are doling out the punch into cups. Willow comes over.

"What kinda punch did you guys make?" asks Willow.

"Uh, lemonade." says Buffy giving her a cup. "We made it fresh and everything." she adds.

"How much sugar did you use?" Willow asks, as she takes a sip.

"Sugar?" asks Buffy.

Willow grimaces at the incredibly sour taste, and puts the cup down.

"It's very good." she says.

"Okay, now all I have to do is keep my mother and Snyder from crossing paths for the rest of the night." says Buffy.

"You're starting to look a little slagged Hon. What, are you just skipping foundation entirely now?" Cordy asks Buffy.

"Cordelia, I have at least three lives to contend with, none of which really mesh. It's kind of like oil and water and a... third unmeshable thing." replies Buffy.

"Hi, Mrs. Summers." Willow says to Joyce as she sees the older woman.

"Yeah, and I can see the oil." replies Cordy, she sees Joyce talking to Willow. "There's your mom? Now that is a woman that knows how to moisturize. Did it, like, skip a generation?"

"Hi, Willow. Hi Cordelia. Hi, honey. Did you, uh, do all this?" she asks.

"Yeah! Um, here, have some lemonade." she says picking up a cup. She sees Snyder. "Right after Willow shows you the library. I have to stay here and hostess." she says putting the cup back down.

"Great, the library." says Willow, putting her arm around Joyce's shoulder. "Uh, um, ooo, no, G-Giles and everyone..."

"...is locked in there studying. Right. French class it is!" says Buffy redirecting them.

Willow leads Joyce away, as Snyder comes up to Buffy.

"Was that your mother?" asks Snyder.

She grabs a cup and a ladle full of lemonade and turns toward him.

"Here." she says faking a spill. "Oh! Oh, sorry! Um, yeah! Yeah, I was gonna introduce you, but, um, she wouldn't have said much. Y'know, she doesn't speak a word of English." she lies.

Snyder doesn't believe a word of it, and makes tracks to follow Joyce and Willow. Buffy lets out a worried moan and looks up at the clock. It was only six, fifteen.

At eight forty five, Cordelia comes walking in.

"Giles has us locked up in that library working on 'your' weapons. Even slaves get minimum wage." she complains.

"I'll do that thing you like... later..." says Buffy.

Cordy hesitates, and pouts, "Make it a double and we're even." she says.

"Well, I believe that I have seen every classroom on campus, and just as I get there all your teachers miraculously have stepped out." says Joyce.

Willow smiles over Joyce's shoulder, proud of herself. She also looks like the cat that ate the canary.

"Oh!" says Buffy. She notices Snyder coming back into the room. "Oh. Um, but you haven't seen the boiler room yet. And, you know, that's really interesting, what with the boiler being in the room and all." she says with a nervous laugh.

Snyder comes up to the group. Joyce offers her hand to him.

"Hi. I'm Joyce Summers. I'm Buffy, and Stewie's mother." says Joyce introducing herself.

Snyder ignores her hand. "Principal Snyder. I'm afraid we need to talk. My office is down here." he tells her.

Joyce follows Snyder to his office. Cordelia watches them go with a frown on her face.

"He didn't look very happy." says Buffy.

"But you did such a good job." replies Willow.

"When they're done talking..." says Cordy.

"What?" asks Buffy.

"My guess? Tenth high school reunion, you'll still be grounded." she says with a laugh. I hope I still don't have have you home before your curfew. That would suck... For me." she says with a light laugh.

Buffy gives her a look.

"Cordelia, have some lemonade." offers Willow.

Cordelia heads over to the punch table.


Sunnydale High School, The Library.





Giles and Jenny continue their research while Xander and The Cordettes keep on whittling.

"Oh, there you are." says Giles.

"There who is?" asks Jenny.

"Our new friend Spike. He's known as 'William the Bloody'. Earned his nickname by torturing his victims with railroad spikes. Very pleasant. Well, here's some good news: he's barely two hundred. He's not even as old as Angel is." he says, he frowns, as he continues to read. "Oh." he adds.

"That's a bad look, right? I'm getting pretty good at reading between the Giles lines. That's not good." says Xander.

"I think your suggestion of stocking up on more ammunition, this Saturday might have been a good one. Spike has fought two Slayers in the last century, and... he's killed them both." answers Giles.



Sunnydale High School, The Student Lounge.





Buffy and Willow see Snyder come back in with Joyce. She comes up to her daughter.

"In the car, now." says Joyce angrily.

Buffy and Willow exchange a concerned look. Buffy starts to follow her mom out. She turns her head to look back at Snyder, who's going around
turning off the lights. Joyce waits for Buffy to join her, and they walk out of the room. Snyder goes to another switch by the back wall next to a large window and turns it off.

Two vampires suddenly come crashing through the window. Buffy looks back into the room. Several more vampires follow, and they storm into the room. The people panic and begin to run around. Buffy comes back into the room. The vampires have lined themselves up.

"WHERE! THE! HELL! IS! MY! DRU?" shouts Spike.






Work in progress...
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