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Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628718752,09130 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

P.T.A. sucks.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Check previous disclaimers.
*Mental conversation*

Sunnydale High School, The Student Lounge.

Spike walks through the broken glass at his feet. In front of him, the terror in the eyes of the parents and teachers feeds his hunger for revenge. He grabs one of the teachers and sucks him dry in front of everyone.

Everyone watches in horror as he drops the dead body at his feet.

"WHERE. THE. HELL. IS. MY. DRU?" he repeats. Blood drips down both sides of his mouth.

"Mom get everyone out of here! Cordelia on my right! Willow, get everyone here now!" shouts Buffy, as she runs pulls out her new personal magic sword. It activates with a hiss and the green flames sizzle in the air as she waives it around.

"Hello. You must be the Slayer. I want my DRU. If you bring her to me, and be darn quick about it... I'll be merciful. I'll kill the lot of you quickly, If you don't..." he doesn't finish his sentence as a power blast knocks him back into the rest of the minions.

Joyce lowers her 'The Shovel' and grabs Snyder by his tie and pulls him after her. "Be careful honey." she tells her daughter over the strangling protests of Principle Snyder.

Cordelia and Willow look at Joyce in 'Awe'. "Now that woman has it all. Not only does she know how to moisturize, but she also knows how to kick butt with style. Why can't you be more like your mother?" Cordelia asks Buffy.

"Cordy not now. Busy..." she says, but Cordy blows her off.

During all this time Willow's calling for back up, from Giles and the 'Library Gang'. The three of them form a line and start to blast away with low power blasts to keep the vamps at bay while Joyce leads the parents and teachers away.

Sunnydale High School, The Library.

Giles puts the cell phone back into the pocket of his tweed jacket. "Um, I, I, I, that was Willow. Looks like the Vampires lead by Spike have decided to start a little early. They need everyone in the student..." before he's done Xander already takes off to the student lounge, leaving everyone behind blinking at his after image. "... Lounge." says Giles.

"Come Rupert. Let's not dawdle while they hog all the action." Jenny says gently leading Giles and the girls after Xander.

"I say. I, I, don't dawdle." he protests.

The girls pick up the weapons they were making and follow after Jenny and Giles.

Sunnydale High School, The Student Lounge.

Xander races as fast as he can into the lounge and sees several vamps about to overwhelm his Willow. He does a dive tackle combination to take everyone down. Somewhere else he's aware that both Buffy and Cordelia have their hands full of biting and clawing Vamps.

"I just want my Dru Slayer. Be a sport and tell us where she is?" asks Spike, between the punches and kicks.

"I don't know who you're talking about you crazy Vamp." replies Buffy as she deals with Spike's attacks and the harassment by his minions.

Cordelia was not having a good time at all. She broke a nail and one of the vamps was about to pay for that. With a scream she swings 'The Shovel' with all her might in a circle and clears the Vamps around her. She even catches a couple of them.

Xander rolls on top of a female vampire and shoves a stake into her heart. He rolls off and kicks the legs out from under the one about to jump on his Willow.

Willow was still on the ground trying to get up, but she still wasn't anywhere near as good as Xander. She shoots the Vamp standing over her and gets back to her feet. She skitters out of the way. She doesn't want her Xander to get hurt trying to protect her. She knows her boyfriend well enough to know that he will throw himself in front of a speeding firetruck to save her.

Giles, Jenny and the rest of the crew race into the lounge and start attacking everyone in their game face.

"What the hell is this?" asks Spike as he watches his minions get the dust treatment by... Cheerleaders. Getting Dru was his main concern. He doesn't have time for this. He sees Willow trying to get out of the way, and singles her out as the weak link. He kicks Buffy off and charges after the redhead.

He grabs Willow and pulls her tight to his body. "Everyone bloody stop... Or the little red is going to be dead!" he threatens.

The Scooby gang pulls back and the Vamps follow their leaders instructions.

"I must say Slayer. This was a bit more than what I was planing for. You have quite the followers. Lots of pep and all that." says Spike.

"Anything happens to her and I'll hang you from the flagpole by your entrails and watch as the sun comes up." threatens Xander with a growl.

"Ooh. Look at the big scary..." he stops as Xander's eyes flash green. "...What the hell are you?" he asks.

"The last thing you'll ever see if you hurt her." Xander promises the bleached Vamp.

"Pull back the leach on your attack dog Slayer. I just want my Dru." he says.

"We don't have her. Did you look in the last place you lost her. That always works when I loose my keys." replies Buffy.

Spike goes into game face and bites into Willow's neck. Takes a quick suck. He was about to stop, but the blood was too damn sweet. He takes another suck and forces himself to stop after that. He was here for his Dru, not for this tasty little bit.

"Do I have you undivided attention now Slayer...?" he asks. After everyone nods, he continues. "Good. Bring me my Dru and you can have the bint back. Otherwise... You can imagine what I'll do to see this tasty little morsel. Come on fellas. We're leaving. Let the Slayer and her friends discuss this among themselves. You have until midnight. If I don't get mu Dru back by then... I'm going to make a replacement..." he says trying to walk off with Willow in his grip.

Xander stands in front of him. He pulls out 'The Sword' Stewie gave him and ignites the flames. "You're not going anywhere." he says, barring Spike's path.

"Nice sword. I think I'll get me one. Yours. Give it to me now, or she's dead." says Spike with all the menace a Master Vampire can muster.

"She dies. You dust. Either way you're not leaving this room with her." Xander tells him deadly serious.

"Look at the White, bloody Knight. You think you can take on the Big Bad. You trying to impress the Slayer and all these Girls with how tough you are?" Spike asks Xander.

"This isn't about how tough you are, or not. You are not walking out with Willow. If you want a hostage, you can take me, and I'll give you the sword. You try to walk out with Willow, and I'll guarantee, you'll dust." Xander promises.

'Bloody hell. He means it. Good for him. That's just how I feel about my Dru. I can respect that. No reason why I can't take him instead of the bint. Probably be easier to mange than this little tasty treat. I don't think I'll be able to control myself sampling her delights. Won't that piss off Dru if she's not there to share.' he thinks. "You know what Mr. White Knight? I can respect that. Deal!" he replies.

"No!" shouts Buffy and Willow.

Xander turns off the flames on 'The Sword' and locks all it's functions. It was just a very well made and sharp sword. He moves in and puts the sword into Spike's open palm, and keeps his grip on the weapon. He grabs Willow by his other hand while he locks his eyes with Spike's. He pulls her out of Spike's grip with a sharp yank and throws her at Giles, who catches her before she goes down. "Let's go Sid." he says.

"Oy. It's the other way around." Spike protest.

"Like I care." Xander replies.

"You have a large pair on you. I like that, but I can tell you're going to be trouble." says Spike.

"So not my problem." says Xander.

"It is if I decide to kill you." threatens Spike.

"Meh. You live you die, whatever. Let's go before you bore me to death." he says.

'I'm so going to have to drive a spike through him for that.' thinks Spike, as he grabs Xander and turns him around. As they leave he keeps the point of the sword at Xander's back.

When they make it out side, with Buffy and the gang trailing, Xander make a break for it. Spike stabs him with the sword to keep him from getting away. He puts a little too much into the stab and the sword was too sharp, it easily goes through Xander.

Xander keeps going for a few more steps, and drops to the ground with the sword still inside his body.

Bugger!" shouts Spike as he and his boys make a break for it. He vows to prepare better for the next encounter with the Slayer and her people. This bunch was a lot different than any Slayer he's run across in the past.

As he runs he can hear the little tasty morsel scream.

"NO!!! XANDER!!!" screams Willow as she runs to her boyfriend. She drops next to him looks into his face.

"Sarcophagus..." he says before he slips away.

In the distance Angel watches the entire scene play out from the shadows. He stays hidden, and tries to keep up behind the minions as they flee behind Spike.

Summers Islands, California.

Stewie was playing chess with Dru.

"Come on. Work for me. I'll give a nice little dolly." says Stewie.

"No." replies Dru as moves a piece on the board in a random fashion.

'Her moves make no sense. She's totally chaotic.' thinks Stewie trying to analyze Dru's pattern. The only thing he can think of is that's there's no pattern. Half the moves she makes were done with out her even looking at the chessboard.

"I'll let you play with my Barbie collection." he says upping the ante.

"Not even if they all beg me on their hands and knees." she replies.

Stewie's frustrations get the better of him. He kicks the board, sending the chess pieces flying all over the place.

"Miss Edith, look at the bad little boy. He needs to be punished by his mommy. Do you want me to punish you? I would if you ask nicely." she promises.

"No. You'll like it. My Spike likes it a lot when I punish him for misbehaving." she says.

"I've had just about enough. Brian put her in the tank." he yells.

"No. Stewie. Not the tank. That's just inhuman." replies the Cyber dog.

"... What's your point?" he asks.

"Sorry. I forgot who I was talking to, there for a minute." says Brian with a sigh. "Come on sister. Get into the tank, and don't give me any hassles." he says to Dru leading her into Stewie's new and improved Sarcophagus tank.

"Will this make the sun shine for me?" she asks Brian.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you want." he promises her as he straps her inside.

Stewie's PDA rings. He takes it out and answers. It was Kara. She tells him about Xander, and about Spike's assault on the school.

"How Xander doing?" he asks.

"He's alright now. The Sarcophagus has brought him back and his own regeneration took care of the rest." replies Kara.

"Let me know when he's out." he says.

"Sure thing boss. By the way. You've got an invitation from the Mayor. It's a dinner invite for you and your mother." she informs him.

"What the devil is he playing at? Why does he want my mother to attend?" he asks.

"I don't know?" she replies.

"I didn't think you did. It was rhetorical. Find out all you can about our beloved civil leader, and accept his kind invitation. I want to know all about Richard Wilkins the III before I meet him." he says hanging up.

"Tell me again, why you want her in that thing?" Brian asks Stewie.

"What? Torturing the undead is not enough reason?" asks Stewie.

"Normally yes, but then you're not normal." replies Brian.

"Keep that up and I'll have you dismantled." he threatens.

"If you do that, then who's left to keep you in check?" asks the dog.

"Damn you and your logic." replies Stewie as he storms off.

In the tank Brian can hear Dru sing between her screams.

"Humans. They're all insane." he complains to himself, as he waits for the dead bitch to come out of the Tank.

Sunnydale, SRL Building.

The next day the sun was shining and all was okay with the world. Xander was watching the sun rise with Willow in his arms.

"Sorry I had to put you through that Wills, but no way was I going to let him walk out with you under his control. It would break my heart if I had to stake." he confesses.

"Xander you big lug. Don't ever do this to me again." she tells him, as she jabs him with a sharp and pointy finger.

"Oof." he says as he feels another a body and another set of arms around head.

Marcie rains kisses all over his face. He lets her.

"Don't ever do that again when I'm not around. You're the only reason I have that make living even a tiny bit bearable." she tells him.

"Hey." protests Willow.

"Hey right back at you. I love wills, but he's the reason that keeps me going on, with this miserable existence." Marcie tells her.

"Wow. Invisibility must really suck." says Willow.

"... Yeah. Invisibility. That it it." replies Marcie, unable to reveal the real reason behind here torturous existence.

Summers Residence, 1630 Revello Drive, Buffy's Room.

"Morning." says Joyce with a light knock at the door and a huge smile on her face.

"Hi mom." replies Buffy as she wakes up and rubs the sleep out of her eyes.

"Xander's up and about. He's with Willow. I just got of the phone with her. I thought you'd want to know right away." she says. She sniffs the air slightly, smiles at Buffy, but doesn't say anything. She leaves and closes the door behind her with a slight giggle.

"Cordy. You can come out now." says Buffy looking under the bed.

"She knew." says Cordy.

"You can't fool her nose. But I think she likes you..." replies Buffy.

"That's because she's met Angel, and I make a much better first impression." Cordelia tells Buffy as she gets out from under the bed. She was still dressed in her undies.

"You think I should come clean with her?' asks Buffy.

"Yeah. I really think you should. You're mom is just too cool for words. I don't think she'll give you a hard time. And I so don't want to crawl under your bed ever again." replies Cordy.

"Yeah I guess I better come clean. But telling your mom about your partner is just not cool. Why am I doing this again?" she asks.

"'Cause I'm so worth it and you know it. Now git." says Cordy, giving her a small push to the door.

"Alright already. You so don't have to be miss Pushy... Mom..." says Buffy, as she opens the door.

Joyce was standing just outside her door. It brings Buffy up short.

She looks at the smile on her face and frowns. "You've heard everything didn't you?" she accuses her mother.

"Yep. How do you take your orange juice Cordelia?" she asks.

"Freshly squeezed without the pulp please." replies Cordelia, standing behind Buffy, with her best, must charm the parents smile on her face.

Joyce laughs and leaves the girls alone. "Don't take too long to get dressed girls. Stewie's waiting for us, I want to see how Xander's doing, and Buffy..."

"... Yes mom?" asks Buffy.

"Don't worry about that little troll of a principle. After what I saw last night, I just so proud of you. You showed me a young capable woman, who wasn't afraid to take charge, and face her problems head on." Joyce tells her as she walks down the stairs.

"Your mom, is just too cool for you. I should have a mom like her." says Cordy.

"If you play your cards right you might..." says Buffy with a smile.

Cordy gives her a light playful slap on her ass.

"Didn't you get enough last night?" Buffy asks playfully.

"I never get enough." she replies as she stifles a yawn. "Come on. I hear breakfast calling my name."

"Aren't you forgetting something?" asks Buffy.

"What?" asks Cordy.

Buffy's eyes roam up and down Cordy's body.

"Oops." she replies going back into the room to get dressed. 'To think. Joyce saw me in my undies and she didn't mind. She's too cool for Buffy.' she thinks getting as she puts her clothes on.

Work in progress...
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