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Stewie can do better.

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Story

Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628618751,33530 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

I, Stewie... You, Harmony

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Family Guy belongs to some other Guy. Seth MacFarlane and Fox Broadcasting Company. BTVS belongs to Joss Whedon.


*Mental conversation*



Sunnydale H.S. Quad.
=======================


"And How are you fine bitches this morning?" Stewie asks Cordelia and the Cordettes.

Xander standing behind his screw-y, but dangerous boss slaps his forehead at the bonehead greeting. 'I will never get a date ever again, this century.' he thinks as he waits for the bomb to drop. He could see that Cordelia was about to explode all over Stewie. 'Oh shit! He'll kill her.' he realizes a little too late.

"Oh look girls, the insect is trying to be funny. How cute." she says with venom dripping with every word she utters.

"Yes well you move along then. No one is really talking to you at this point, so be silent you potential broodmare." replies Stewie.

Cordelia is too stunned by the callus dismissal. 'How dare he?' she thinks.

"Good morning Harmony. I must says that's a fine set of breasts you're sporting. Are they natural, or have they been enhanced through artificial means?" Stewie asks eyes on Harmony's assets.

'Oh dear God. They're going to smear him all over the pavement.' thinks Xander.

*Are you suicidal? You just signed your own death warrant. Let's get out of here before they kill you.* Xander pleads with his deranged master.

*Be silent. Can't you see I workin' it?* replies Stewie.

*Where the hell are you getting all this crap from?* asks Xander.

*From the Internet of course. Where else?* is Stewie's answer.

In the meantime Harmony blinks, not sure if Stewie just complimented her or not. "Thanks... I think. And they're all natural." she says proudly displaying her assets.

The other girls cough behind her back and make snide comments. This has just gone from being an attack on them, to an amusing let's make fun of Harmony session. The blackmail potential alone was well worth the insult.

While the Cordettes were busy with the Harmony and Stewie Show. Cordelia grabs Xander by his ear and moves a few feet away from the group.

"Owowowowowowow." Xander says tries really hard not kill kill, or mate with Cordelia right there on the spot. There's just something about a hot woman you hate that make the juices flow. And right now Cordelia was a very juicy tidbit. 'Um, hmmm. I love being the new me. God if she tugs any more on my ear, she going to... Oh God. I'm such a slut sometimes.' he thinks.

"What the hell is going on with that freak? Can't you control him, or something?" she asks the dweeb.

"I'm afraid you got the wrong man for the job. The only one who can even slow him down is Buffy. For control you have to get Mrs Summers. I'm just the minion here." he confesses.

Cordelia gives him the look that says he just failed the man test. "At least, you now know your place." she says sarcastically.

"Look, the only way to handle Stewie, is to ignore him. If he's interested in something, give it to him. He'll eventually get tired of it. But if you fight him, he could get lethal. You know what I'm talking about here. You were there during the harvest." Xander explains trying to get save Cordelia from gaining a spot on Stewie's hit list.

"It looks like the freak is interested in Harmony. Your answer would be to give him give her to him, like a present. Is that what you're telling me?" she asks.

"In this case your gain, would be our loss. Look at it this way, you're losing a Harmony and getting peace of mind. You'll be able to relax for a few days before someone else realizes that the backstabber spot on the team is now up for grabs." Xander tells her reasonably.

Cordelia could come up with a quick answer to that. The dweeb was unfortunately correct in his assessment. He was a dweeb, not stupid. Anyone that can match her barb for barb, has to have some brains cell to rub together. Too bad he was back sliding into this new minion position, but then that could be just a survival trait. He really wasn't stupid, and ever since he hooked up with the little maniac his profile was on the rise. The jocks stopped picking on him and the other losers were looking to him as a leader. Too bad. She has standard, and she doesn't date minions.

She looks over at her sheep and sighs. "He better not hurt her..." she threatens Xander.

"He won't. He takes care of his toys." he tells her. 'The abusive little shit.'

She nods. For now she has no choice, but to let the new small bad of Sunnydale H.S. get away with his campaign of terror. But she swore that his time would come.

"Come on you grab yours and I'll grab mine." she tells him.

"I'd love to see you grab yours." he tells her with a suggestive leer.

"Only in your dreams loser." she scoffs as she collects her flock.

As Cordelia and Xander rejoin the group. They could hear a dangerous edge in Stewie's voice.

"Hey boss. What's going on?" asks Xander.

"These simpletons are calling me a collage dropout." he says angrily.

"Oh Lord. Why me?" he asks. "Why would you guys call him a college dropout?" he asks the Cordettes.

"He said that he left collage to come back to high school. So Harmony just wanted to know if he was a collage drop out." Aura explains the situation.

"Girls for your information the reason he dropped out of college was because they don't have anything else to teach you when you get your 'Doctorates', it's why he here, to be with his sister while he works on his projects." Xander explains.

"You mean this little guy already has his doctorate?" Harmony asks Xander.

"That's doctorates with an 'S'." Xander corrects the stereo typical Cali blonde.

*Stewie, you've got to give Cordelia and the Cordettes some space, she can really hurt you.* he warns his pack mate.

Cordelia takes control of her flock and go inside the building.


Sunnydale H.S. Library.
=======================


"Oh, great! A book!" says Buffy sarcastically as she lifts the lid off an old box.

The book-scanning project was going on full blast. Willow and a few other computer science students were busy scanning the books into the library's computer system. Buffy pulls the book out of the box and blows some of the dust off of it.

"Oh, uh, I, uh... haven't gone through the new arrivals. Uh, put it in, uh, in, in that pile." says Giles pointing with the book in his hand.

"Here, I'll get it." says Dave.

"Oh, thanks, Dave. The Willow pile." says Buffy giving him the old book.

Dave takes the book from Buffy and goes over to the pile of books next to Willow.

"Uh, when I've examined it, you can, uh, uh, skim it." Giles tells them.

"Scan it, Rupert. That's scan it." corrects Ms. Calendar.

"Of course." says Giles giving her a sarcastic look.

"Oh, I know, our ways are strange to you, but soon you will join us in the 20th century. With three whole years to spare!" Ms. Calendar says with a seductive grin.

"Ms. Calendar, I'm sure your computer science class is fascinating, but I happen to believe that one can survive in modern society without being a slave to the, um, idiot box." Giles tells her smugly.

"That's TV. The idiot box is TV. This is the *good* box!" explains an annoyed Ms. Calendar as she taps the computer next to her.

"I still prefer a good book." says Giles.

"The printed page is obsolete. Information isn't bound up anymore. It's an entity. The only reality is virtual. If you're not jacked in, you're not alive." says a self-righteous Fritz as he grabs his books and leaves.

"Thank you, Fritz, for making us all sound like crazy people. Fritz, Fritz comes on a little strong, but he does have a point. You know, for the last two years more e-mail was sent than regular mail." says Ms. Calendar to Giles.

"Oh..." replies Giles with nothing else to say on the subject.

"More digitized information went across phone lines than conversation." Ms. Calendar tries again.

"That is a fact that I regard with genuine horror." responds Giles.

"Oh for Gods sakes. Don't be such a Luddite." Stewie tells Giles. "There's power in these machines, just as there's power in your precious books. Don't turn your back on it just because you don't understand, or prefer not to understand it."

"I'll bet it is." says Ms. Calendar teasingly to Giles. "Thanks for the back up Stewie. Alright, guys, let's wrap it up for today."

"Anytime. Really if he gives you any more trouble, send him to me. I've got just the thing to fix him." says Stewie with a menacing grin.

Miss Calendar laughs at the little genius. "Stewie, you're so precious. Don't ever change." she says ruffling his hair.

"I've just got a few more. I'll hang for a bit." says Willow.

"Cool! Thanks." replies Miss Calendar.

Xander grabs his bag and pulls it onto his shoulder.

"Xander, you wanna stay and help me?" Willow asks hopefully.

"Are you kidding?" Xander asks in disbelief.

"Yes, it was a joke I made up." says Willow backpedaling at his reaction.

"Willow, I love you, but bye!" says Xander as he leaves.

"Stop right where you are." Stewie commands his reluctant minion. "Where do you think you're going?" he asks.

"Buffy, wait up!" Xander says trying to ignoring the little pain in the ass.

"Oh no you don't. There's enough time for that later. You've already had your happy moment with Miss Chase this morning. Did you think I wouldn't notice." says Stewie, as he jumps at the escaping minion and brings him down with an ear hold.

"OWOWOWOWOW. Not this ear! Not this ear! Cordelia, already did a job there. Owowowowow!" Xander pleads with the heartless little tyrant.

"I'm, I'm just gonna stay and clean up a little. I'll, uh, I'll be back in the middle ages." says Giles ignoring the two terrors of the library.

"Did you ever leave?" Ms. Calendar asks Giles.

Giles stops and looks back at her. She's smiles to herself, pleased with his reaction to her comment. He continues up the stairs.

Willow is scanning the last book. She draws the scanner over the two pages, and they appear on the monitor. As she types to save the scan, the script in the book disappears. Willow closes the book, puts it in the pile with the others. "And we're done. Let's go Xander. You can walk me home as a reward." she says hugging his arm.

"Anything for you wills." says Xander as he enjoys the feel of her tight body against his arm.

As the two close the library doors behind them. The computer monitor goes blank and words appear.

"Where am I?" is displayed on the screen.


Sunnydale High School. The Quad the next morning.
=================================================


"Good morning Ladies. I'm sorry about my gaff yesterday. Xander explained it all. I now now that you don't like to be called bitches unless it's in a private setting and the two parties concerned have agreed to use the word bitch, before hand. So don't worry. From now on i will not call you bitches unless you agree to it before hand." Stewie says greeting the Cordelia and the Cordettes.

Xander again slaps his his head. 'There goes any dating in the next century.' he thinks on the verge of crying.

"What do you think girls?" asks Cordelia.

The Cordettes huddle, but Xander and Stewie can hear every word they say.

"I think he's cute." says Harmony.

"You slut. You're only saying that because you found out he's richer than your family." says Aura.

"As they say. Money talks..." begins Harmony.

"We know. And you drop to your knees when it does." says Joy.

"Hey. You take that back. Cordelia Joy is being mean to me." complains Harmony.

"Grow up. Both of you." commands Cordelia.

"Excuse me. Is this going to take long?" asks Xander.

"I think he's getting bored listening in on your conversation. But he on to something here. Are you done?" asks stewie.

"You can hear us? All the way from over there?" she asks.

Stewie and Xander nod.

"Every word?" she asks again.

"Clear as a bell." says Stewie.

"What are you? A pair of dogs?" Cordelia accuses the pair. "Come on girls." she commands her flock, and they being sheep follow.

*Stewie. You've got to stop insulting these girls. Cordelia holds a lot of social power in this school. She can make our lives miserable.* Xander tries to explain.

*she wouldn't dare. Her days are numbered if she does. Come. I have plans to make.* commands Stewie. But unlike Cordelia's sheep. Xander is a predator. He instead starts to hit his head against the flag pole.





The hall at Sunnydale High School.
==================================


Buffy runs to catch up with Willow as she slowly walks along.

"Willow! Willow, hey, wait up! " Buffy says, as she reaches her friend.

"Oh, Buffy, I didn't even see you." says Willow.

"Or hear me. What was up last night? I tried your line, like, a million times." Buffy tells her.

"Oh, I was, I was talking." says Willow.

"Talking to...?" Buffy asks, but Willow doesn't answer. "Okay, that's it, you have a secret, and that's not allowed."

" Why not?" asks Willow.

"'Cause... there's a rule." declares Buffy.

"Well, I sort of met someone." Willow says with a giddy smile.

"I knew it! This is so important! When did you meet?" asks an excited Buffy.

"Last week after we did the scanning project in the library." says Willow.

"Does he go here? What's his name? Have you kissed him? What's he like?" asks Buffy curiously.

"No, Malcolm, no, and very nice." replies an amused Willow, answering the questions in the order they were asked.

"You are a thing of evil for not telling me this right away!" Buffy tells Willow annoyed with her friend withholding important information.

"Well, I wasn't sure there was anything to tell. But last night, oh! We talked all night, it was amazing. He's so smart, Buffy, and, and he's romantic, and we agree about everything!" explains a flushed Willow.

"What's he look like?" she asks.

"I don't know!" says Willow.

She continues down the hall with a big smile on her face. Buffy is confused and stares after her a moment, then starts to follow.


Sunnydale H.S. computer lab.
====================


"So, you've been seeing a guy, and you don't know what he looks like? Okay, this is a puzzle. No, wait, I'm good at these. Does it involve a midget and a block of ice?" asks Buffy, as they continue their conversation inside the computer lab.

Fritz and Dave are there, typing away.

"I met him online." says Willow.

"On line for what?" asks Buffy.

Willow indicates a computer.

"Oh!" says Buffy.

It doesn't fool Willow. No one who lives with Stewie, could ever be that clueless about technology, or the computer age. She knew Buffy was just pretending because of Fritz and Dave were in the room with them.

Ms. Calendar strides quickly into the room wearing dark glasses and holding a mug of coffee in one hand and her books in the other.

"Morning, kids!" says Ms. Calendar.

Buffy turns to look at her. Ms. Calendar notices Buffy as she heads to her desk. She puts her mug down.

"Buffy, are you supposed to be somewhere?" asks Ms. Calendar, as she takes off her glasses.

"No, I have a free." says Buffy.

"Cool! But this is lab time, so let's make it a nice, short visit, okay?" Ms. Calendar tells her.

"Sure." agrees Buffy.

"You have mail." chips in the computer.

"It's him!" says Willow, as she starts typing to get the message.

"I'm thinking of you." says the display.

"He's so sweet!" says Willow.

"He's a sweetie." says Buffy with a nervous smile. She knows all about computer relationships. If there wasn't a face to face, this was going to wind up with a broken hearted Willow.

"What should I write back?" Willow asks her.

"Uh, Willow, I think it's really great that you have this cool pen pal, but don't you think you're kinda rushing all into this? Y'know what I mean?" says a cautious Buffy.

"'I'm thinking of you, too!' No, that's incredibly stupid!" says Willow.

"Will, down girl! Let's focus here, okay? What do you actually know about this guy?" asks Buffy.

"Oh, see, I knew you'd react like this." says Willow disappointed.

"Like what?" asks Buffy. "I just wanna make sure you're careful, that's all."

"Buffy..." begins Willow.

"He could be different than you think." adds Buffy.

"His name is Malcolm Black, he's eighteen, he lives in Elmwood, which is about eighty miles from here, and he likes me!" Willow tells Buffy.

"Short, tall, skinny, fat?" Buffy asks fishing for information.

"Why does everything have to be about looks?" Willow asks her right back.

"Not everything, but some stuff is. I mean, what if you guys get really, really intense, and then you find out that he... has... a hairy back?" says Buffy.

"Well, no! Uh, he doesn't talk like somebody who would have a hairy back. And anyways, that stuff doesn't
matter when you really care about each other. Maybe I'm not his ideal either." says Willow defending Malcolm.

"Hey, I'm just trying to make sure that he's good enough for you. I think it's great that you met someone." Buffy tells her.

Ms. Calendar gets up holding some papers and comes over to Fritz. "Hey, Fritz... I'm, uh, lookin' at the logs. You and Dave are clockin' a pretty scary amount of computer time."

"New project." says Fritz.

"Ooo, will I be excited?" asks Ms. Calendar.

"You'll die." says Fritz.


Sunnydale High School. Halls.
===================


Willow doesn't notice Xander coming from her right. He puts his hand over her eyes, and she's forced to stop, nearly losing her balance.

"Hup, guess who?" Xander asks.

"Uh, Xander?" says Willow, taking a wild guess.

"Yeah, but keep guessing anyway." he says.

"Xander." Willow guesses again.

"Oh, I can't fool ya, you see right through my petty charade. We goin' to the Bronze tonight?" Xander asks Willow, as he takes his hand from her eyes.

"Not me, I think I'm gonna call it an early night." says Willow with a smile.

"Oh, Malcolm, right?" he asks.

Willow smiles and nods.

"Yeah, I heard. But you're gonna be missin' out. I'm plannin' to be witty. I'm gonna make fun of all the people who won't talk to me. I'm going to make fun of Stewie, while he makes plans to take over the world in his basement. I also plan on making fun of Harmony's growing fascination with his bank account." he says trying to entice her to join him at the Bronze.

"That's nice. Have a good time!" she says all smiles and quickly leaves. He watches her go. Buffy arrives and watches her go, too.

"She certainly looks perky." says Buffy.

"Yeah, color in the cheeks, bounce in the step... I don't like it. It's not healthy. So, are you goin' to the Bronze tonight? Oh, probably not, you probably have some vampire slaying or some lame endeavor like that, don't you? Everyone deserts me. I guess that means I'll be joining you on patrol, instead of bronzing with my favorite pal gals." he says feeling down.

They begin to walk.

"Check out the jealous man!" says Buffy. "I thought you were the new and improved Action-man Xander."

"What are you talking about?" asks Xander. "And I'm so Mister Action-man."

"You're jealous." she tells him.

"Of what?" he asks.

"Willow's got a thang, and Xander's left hanging." she says.

"Oh, that's meaningless drivel. I'm not interested in Willow like that." he says. 'Am I?' he thinks privately.

"Yeah, but you got used to being the Belle of the Ball." says Buffy.

No, it's just... this Malcolm guy? What's his deal? I mean, tell me you're not slightly wigged." he says.

"Okay, slightly. I mean, just not knowing what he's really like." she says.

"Or who he really is. I mean, sure he says he's a high school student, but I can say I'm a high school student." he says.

"You are." Buffy tells him.

"Okay, but I can also say that I'm an elderly Dutch woman. Get me? I mean, who's to say I'm not if I'm in the elderly Dutch chat room?" Xander concedes to her point, but he also explains why he's worried.

"I get your point! I get your point. Oh, this guy could be anybody. He could be weird, or crazy, or old, or... He could be a circus freak. He's probably a circus freak!" says Buffy as she sees his point as well.

"Yeah. I mean, we read about it all the time. Y'know, people meet on the 'Net, they talk, they get together, have dinner, a show, horrible ax murder." he says as his imagination runs away with him.

"Willow ax murdered by a circus freak... Okay, okay, what do we do? What are we doing? Xander, you get me started! We are totally overreacting!" she says.

"But it's fun, isn't it?" he says with a smile.


Kendall Residence. Later that night.
====================================


A small shadow flits from cover to cover across the well lit grounds. It has a large back back, but it moves surprisingly fast. The small figure reaches the main building. He quickly and quietly, patches into the security system. The system crumbles before his assault within seconds.

He quickly makes his way to Harmony's room. He sneaks in quietly. Harmony stirs in her sleep, but doesn't wake up. The shadow walks slowly to the bed and removes the back back. He attaches the helmet like device to her head. Like he has been doing for the last two nights.

'Staring tomorrow, you shall be my obedient slave.' thinks the small shadow.

After a few hours later the device on Harmony's head finishes it's downloading it's content into Harmony's brain.

The shadow moves up to the still sleeping girl. He removes the helmet and puts it back inside the backpack. He then removes another device and a few clear bottles.

He opens the girl's silk top and attaches the tubes to girls nipples and starts the machine. Surprisingly enough, it was pressing the switch on the side of the device that wakes the girl up.

"Wha... uh..." says Harmony as she wakes up.

"Be quite." commands the voice of her new master.

"Yes Stewie." says Harmony obeying his command.

The machine starts to do it's job, and Harmony almost screams in discomfort, but her master's command stops her from doing so.

Stewie sees that the girl is in considerable discomfort. "Think of the pain your feeling as pleasure." he commands.

It works, withing a few minutes the intense waves of orgasmic pleasure sends Harmony to the land of bliss and unconsciousness.

When the bottles are filled with the white liquid. Stewie removes the machine from Harmony's nipples. He puts her top back on, and leaves the same way he entered. It was a very successful hunt. He got what he came for.


Sunnydale High School. The next day.
====================================


"Whoa! You're the Late Girl." Buffy tells Willow as she comes in running.

"I overslept." she explains.

"Till fifth period? Talkin' to Malcolm last night?" she asks.

"Yeah." she says. "What?" she asks when she sees Buffy looking at her.

"Nothing." says Buffy.

"You're having an expression." says Willow.

"I'm not. But if I was, it'd be saying, 'This just isn't like you.'" she says.

"Not like me to have a boyfriend?" Willow asks her.

"He's boyfriendly?" inquires Buffy.

"I don't understand why you don't want me to have this. I mean, boys don't chase me around all the time. I thought you'd be happy for me." says an upset Willow.

"I just want you to be sure. To meet him face to face. In daylight, in a crowded place with some friends. Y'know, before
you become all... obsessive." says Buffy

"Malcolm and I really care about each other. Big deal if I blow off a couple classes." replies Willow.

"I thought you said you overslept." accuses Buffy.

"Malcolm said you wouldn't understand." replies Willow.

"Malcolm was right." says Buffy feeling betrayed.

To be continued.
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