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Stewie can do better.

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Story

Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628618751,46030 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

Stewie's brand new toy.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Family Guy belongs to some other Guy. Seth MacFarlane and Fox Broadcasting Company. BTVS belongs to Joss Whedon.


*Mental conversation*


CRD Building.





Willow is lying unconscious, on a table in the darkness. She wakes up. After a moment she sits up and looks around. Fritz and a technician are standing there.

"Welcome, my love." appears on the computer monitor behind Fritz and the technician. "I can't tell you how good it is to see you..." is the next message.

"...with my own two eyes." a Robot completes the sentence.

A very sacred Willow starts to breath hard. Her fear is very obvious.

"Willow." says the Robot.

"Malcolm." Willow says in a whisper.

Fritz and the technician grab her and take her by the arms. The Robot slowly comes closer.

"This world is so new, so exciting. I can see all of it. Everything flows through me. I know the secrets of your kings. But nothing compares to having form again. To be able to walk..." says the Robot as he puts his hand on Fritz's head. "To touch..." it continues as it breaks Fritz's neck. "To kill."

Willow watches Fritz's dead body fall. She looks back up at Robot.

"Here they come." says the Robot.



CRD Building, Outside.





Buffy lands on the other side of the fence. Xander and Stewie land beside her.

"Back way?" asks Xander.

"Back way." Buffy and Stewie confirm.

Xander takes out two kits from the backpack Stewie gave him. He starts to assemble a small high tech device. The four parts snap together very quickly and easily. One for the handle, two for the shaft and finally the head. He gives it to Stewie when it's done.

"What the hell are you doing? Is that a Shovel?" Buffy asks Xander.

"Got it in one Buff." he says as he puts his own bigger shovel together.

"These look like something you'd put together." she accuses her younger brother.

"They do don't they. This is the Summers Shovel 2000 Mark I. Why only Mark I, you ask? Mark I, because after making it I saw no need to improve on perfection. A very useful tool." he tells her with pride.

"Conceited much? Still it looks very lethal. For a shovel." she says dismissing it.

"You're jealous. Admit it!"

She ignores him. Best revenge ever, she knew he could not resist showing off. She had a bit of it herself, but Stewie as always took it to extremes.

"Done." says Xander standing up with his own shovel.

They make their way to the rear entrance. Xander brings up the rear. Buffy kicks the doors open. She walks in determinedly.

"Hey! Do you mind? I just bought this place." Stewie complains at her casual destruction of his property.

"One word Stewie. Barbies!" she tells him.

"One mistake. And you'll never let me live it down. I was a six year old child." he complains.

"And yet, you had no problem turning them into gladiators and have them fight to the death in Arena of the Dammed." she says angrily.

*seriously? Arena of the Dammed? Did you tape the fights?* Xander asks.

*If you're a good minion, I'll let you see the entire series. I even added a few G.I. Joes and Ken Dolls for variety.* Stewie replies.



Sunnydale High School, Library.





Ms. Calendar is lighting candles. "The first thing we have to do is form the circle of Kayless. Right?" she asks Giles.

"Form a circle? But there's only two of us. That's really more of a line." he says.

"You're not getting it, Rupert. We have to form the circle inside." she says pointing at the computer. She sits in front of the monitor. "I'm putting out a flash. I just hope enough of my group responds." she explains.

"Won't Moloch just shut you down?" Giles asks her.

"Well, I'm betting he won't figure out what we're doing until it's too late." she tells him.

"Hoping and betting, that's what we've got." he asks.

"You wanna throw in praying? Be my guest." she tells him.


CRD Building. Lab





"I don't understand. What do you want from me?" asks Willow.

"I want to give you the world." says the Robot.

"Why?" Willow asks suspiciously.

"You created me. I brought these humans together to build me a body. But *you* gave me life. Took me out of the book that held me. I want to repay you." says the Robot.

"By lying to me? By pretending to be a person? Pretending you loved me?" she accuses the Robot.

"I do!" says the Robot.




CRD Building. Lobby





Buffy and Xander walk up to the guard. Stewie is hidden behind them. The guard gets up to stop them, but she punches him out and continues. Xander notices the guard's monitor. Stewie sees the guard on the ground.

"You're not very good at this. Are you?" says Stewie. 'I guess that just means I have to come up with something better.' he thinks as starts planing the traps he could add to his normal security setup.

"Uh, Stewie! Buffy!" says Xander pointing to the monitor.

Buffy and Stewie look at the monitor.

"It's her!" says Buffy.

"Brilliant deduction, Shirleylock." says Stewie sarcastically.

"Who's the other guy?" Xander asks.


CRD Building. Lab





"Don't you see? I can give you everything! I can control the world! Right now a man in Beijing is transferring money to a Swiss bank account for a contract on his mother's life. Good for him!" says the Robot.

"Let me leave?" says Willow.

"But I love you!" says the Robot.

"Don't say that! That's a joke! You don't love anything!" Willow says angrily.

"You are mine!" says the Robot.

"I'm not yours! I'm never gonna be yours! Never!" she says defiantly.

The Robot lowers its head and considers for a moment while Willow just watches and waits. It raises its head again. "Pity." it says.



Sunnydale High School, Library.





"Almost there." says Miss Calendar.

"Couldn't you just stop Moloch by, by entering some computer virus?" Giles asks her.

"You've seen way too many movies. Okay! We're up. You read, I type. Ready?" she says.

"Uh, I am. By the power of the divine, by the essence of the word, I command you..." Giles begins.


CRD Building, Hallway.





Buffy, Xander and Stewie come through the doors. Buffy finds the door to the lab and tries to force it open.

"I can't bust it. It's heavy steel." she says.

"Let's use the shovels." replies Xander.

He and Stewie use the sharp edges of the Shovel heads and start to pry the doors open. Alarms start to ring and a red light goes on.

Buffy spies a security camera. "Building's security system is computerized." she says. "Can't you do something?" she asks Stewie.

"I can, but not yet. Doesn't really matter. It's my property, I can be loud if I want to." says Stewie as he and Xander with Buffy's help, force the doors open.

"Here we go. Just in time." says Xander, as gas begins to spray into the hall. When they bust in they see Moloch has Willow cornered. He reaches up and puts his hand on her head.

"I'll miss you." he says.

Willow screams.




Sunnydale High School, Library.





"By the power of the circle of Kayless, I command you..." he sees Miss Calendar typing "Kayless, with a 'K'." he corrects her. "Demon, come!"



CRD Building, Lab.





Moloch screams and lifts his arms in pain, letting go of Willow. He begins to writhe.



Sunnydale High School, Library.





"I command you!" continues Giles.




CRD Building, Lab.






Buffy is first through the door with Xander and Stewie close behind. She leaps into a jumping side kick, making a dull thud when she connects with Moloch's chest, but he only staggers a bit, and she just falls to the floor.

"Ow... Guy's made of metal!" she says.

The technician grabs Xander from behind and pulls him away. Buffy quickly gets up and looks at Willow while Moloch continues to writhe in pain.

"No! I won't go back!"

Buffy grabs Willow's hand and they run out of the lab.

Stewie hides in the shadows.


Sunnydale High School, Library.





"Demon, COME!" Giles commands.


CRD Building, Lab.





Moloch continues to scream.


Sunnydale High School, Library.





The computer sparks several times.





CRD Building, Lab.





Xander pushes the technician back into a wall, turns around and punches him out. He quickly follows the girls out.

"Hey! I got to hit someone!" says Xander.


Moloch falls to his knees.



Sunnydale High School, Library.






Wind is blowing inside and the computer monitor is flashing. The computer monitor stops flashing. Smoke comes out of the back of it.


CRD Building, Lab.





Moloch screams loudly. After a minute. Moloch's screams die out.




Sunnydale High School, Library.





Giles and Ms. Calendar watch the monitor flicker.

"He's out of the 'Net. He's bound." says Miss Calender.

Giles goes over to the book, picks it up and opens it to look. "He's not in the book."

"He's not in the book. Well, where is he?" she says, as she gets up and looks at the book as well.



CRD Building, Lab.





Moloch slowly raises his head. Stewie is right behind him. He shoves the handle of the shovel into the back of the Robot's helmet and begins to download the data inside.



CRD Building, Lab.





Buffy and Willow open a set of doors and see a guard and two technicians running toward them. They push the doors closed.

"Let's go this way!" Xander says as he begins to run in another direction.

"Wait!" shouts Buffy.

Suddenly Moloch crashes through the wall between them. He looks at Xander and backhands him in the face. Xander falls to the floor stunned. Moloch turns and advances on the girls. He starts to swing at Buffy, and she tries to block the hit, but he doesn't budge and just pushes her aside and into the wall. She slides to the floor, a bit dazed.

"I was omnipotent. I was everything! Now I'm trapped in this shell!" says the Moloch

He reaches out to grab her by the head.

"Malcolm!" shouts Willow.

Moloch turns to face her. She has a fire extinguisher.

"Remember me, your girlfriend?!" she says, as she pounds the extinguisher into his chest hard enough to make him bend back.

"Well, I think it's time we break up!" she demands.

She hits him again even harder.

"Or maybe we can still be friends!" she says.

She tries again for his face, but this time he grabs the extinguisher from her and throws it down. He grabs her and shoves her down the hall into Xander, who's just getting up again. They both crash to the floor. Buffy has recovered from her daze and gets up to face Moloch. He turns his attention on her.

"This body's all I have left. But it's enough to crush you!" says Moloch.

"Oh I don't think so." says Stewie holding a small device in his hand, with blood dripping from his bloodied mouth.

Buffy looks at her brother and her instincts to protect her family give her the boost she needs to get between Moloch and Stewie.

"Take your best shot." she tells Moloch.

Moloch rears back for a punch, but before he could complete the punch Stewie presses a button on his remote. The handle at the back of the Robot's head ejects and the shaft left behind, explodes. The Robot drops. It looks at Willow and says "I wanted to give you the world."

"Why?" Willow ask suspiciously.

"You created me. I brought these humans together to build me a body. But 'you' gave me life. Took me out of the book that held me. I want to repay you." Moloch tells her.

"By lying to me? By pretending to be a person? Pretending you loved me?" says Willow.

"I do!" he says as he shuts down completely.

Stewie standing beside Buffy looks up at her "Thanks sis." he says with a bloodied mouth.

"Don't mention it." says Buffy, as she takes a tissue from the side of his backpack and wipes the blood from his mouth.

"Xander, be a good lad and bring that handle please." he says as he takes his sisters hand and leads the party out of the building's front door.


Summers Residence, Stewie's Basement Lab.





Stewie looks at the trapped demon running inside an isolated and secured computer. He has been torturing Moloch for the last few hours. Payback for the bloody mouth. The shovel's handle was connected to the computer with a data cable. This will be Moloch's new prison from now on.


Sunnydale High School, Computer Lab





Ms. Calendar is standing at her desk and typing on her computer. Giles comes in, clears his throat and knocks on the open door. She turns to see who's there. She smiles when she sees Giles at the door. "Well, look who's here! Welcome to my world. You scared?" she asks with a bit of an attitude.

"I'm remaining calm, thank you. Uh, I just wanted to, uh, return this." he says, as he holds up a small curly earring. "I found it among the new books, and naturally I thought of you."

"Cool. Thanks." she says as she takes it.

"Uh, well, I'll, I'll see you anon." he says.

"Can't get outta here fast enough, can you?" she asks.

"Truthfully, I'm even less anxious to be around computers than I used to be." he says.

"Well, it was your book that started all the trouble, not a computer." she says.

Giles is at a loss.

"Honestly, what is it about them that bothers you so much?" she asks.

"The smell." he confesses.

"Computer's don't smell, Rupert." she tells him

"I know! Smell is the most powerful trigger to the memory there is. A certain flower or a, a whiff of smoke can bring up experiences... long forgotten. Books smell. Musty and, and, and, and rich. The knowledge gained from a computer, is, uh, it... it has no, no texture, no, no context. It's, it's there and then it's gone. If it's to last, then, then the getting of knowledge should be, uh, tangible, it should be, um... smelly." he explains.

"Well! You really are an old-fashioned boy, aren't you?" she says.

"Well, I-I don't dangle a corkscrew from my ear." he tells her.

"That's not where I dangle it." she says mischievously, as she walks past him and smiles. Giles follows her with his gaze and looks Puzzled yet intrigued.




Sunnydale High School, Fountain.






Xander and Buffy are trying to cheer up Willow.

"We gonna go to the Bronze tonight? We three?" asks Xander.

"It'll be fun!" says Buffy.

"Yeah, Willow, fun? Remember fun? That thing where you smile?" he says with a smile of his own.

Willow says "Oh, I'm sorry guys. I'm just thinking about..."

"Malcolm?" Buffy guesses.

"Malcolm, Moloch... whatever he's called. The one boy that's really liked me, and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me?" she asks.

"It doesn't say anything about you." says Buffy.

"I mean, I thought I was really falling..." Willow tries to explain, but Buffy interrupts her

"Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I've moved here turned out to be a vampire." Buffy tells her.

"Right, and the teacher I had a crush on? Giant praying mantis?" says Xander with a goofy smile.

"And let's not forget Stewie dating Harmony." she says pointing at her brother with Harmony. "She follows him around like a bitch in heat all the time now."

"That's because she is." explains Xander.

"What?" both girls shout.

"Yeah, that's life on the Hellmouth." he says without explaining his last remark.

"Let's face it: none of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship." says Buffy letting the subject of Harmony drop for now.

"We're doomed!" says Xander.

"Yeah! Poor Stewie." says Willow.

They all laugh. Their laughter quickly becomes nervous and stops. Only the fountain can be heard as they each consider their plight. They see Cordelia and the Cordettes on the warpath. They were making a beeline towards Stewie and Harmony.

"Harmony! Come here. I want to talk you." Cordelia commands the wayward Cordettes.

"Stewie..." Harmony asks Stewie for permission.

"Go on. Have fun with your friends." Stewie tells his pet.

She squeals in delight and takes off.

"What's going on Harmony? You've been following Stewie Summers like a bitch in heat." demands Cordelia.

The Cordettes agree with Cordelia's description.

"Cordy...Don't be so mean. Stewie's like the best thing that ever happened to me. He's the best guy ever. He treats me with respect. No one's ever done that for me before." Harmony tells them defending her choice.

The Cordettes agree that all the boys treat Harmony like the slut she is. But Stewie isn't old enough to see her like that. There must be something else going on between the slut and the evil genius.

While Cordy and the Cordettes were busy with their interrogation. Stewie went over to the fountain.

"Hello Willow, minion, Butt-Pain." Stewie greets the Scoobies.

"Hi Stewie." says Willow with a wave.

"Boss." says Xander.

"Demon seed." says Buffy.

"I still don't get it. What do you see in that Barbie Doll?" asks Buffy.

Stewie' eyes glisten. "She's my 'Barbie' as you put it in your simple way."

"Bite me dog boy." Buffy tells her brother.

"Right where it hurts. Dogs just love shoes. Don't we Xander?" he threatens.
.
"Oh no. I ain't going after her shoes. I may be a minion, but I'm not suicidal." Xander says turning down the job.

"Mutiny in the ranks. Very well I've no choice but to call out my invisible gladiators." he threatens.

"Oh no. My poor Barbies." whimpers Buffy.

Before the threats escalate Cordelia marches over to the quartet, with her flock behind her.

"Alright you evil menace. I want you to remove what ever step-ford wives crap that you put inside my girl." demands Cordelia.

"Your girl. I beg to differ. Harmony's my girl now. Isn't that right pet?" says Stewie.

"Uh huh. What he says. Um... can we go someplace else?" she asks.

"Why?" asks Cordelia.

"Well... Gee... Let me think. Oh yeah I know. It's because there's a Harris and a Rosenberg around. I am so not staying." she declares. She turns around and leaves the Cordettes and the Scoobs behind.

"I see. So you want me to remove the back bone she's developing so you could manipulate her better. Is that it?" Stewie asks. "I really don't blame you. She's developing a spine. That could be bad for your leadership. Maybe you're secretly asking for my help to develop your leadership skills."

"What? I'll never ask for anyone's help. I'm... " she begins.

Stewie ignores her arguments and eyes her bouncing assets.

"You pervert. Stop looking at my chest like that." she commands.

"Well stop standing over me with those big protrusions blocking my vision. Really if you don't want to use your assets in an argument, stop using then so blatantly." Stewie mocks Cordelia.

Cordelia takes a few steps back. She was trying to use her height to intimidate the little bugger, but all she was doing was giving him a cheap thrill. He may says he wasn't interested, but she knew when someone was checking her out. And the little monster was doing just that. He was eying her assets with a hunger that she was well familiar with. Most of the football team, except for Larry has looked at her like that at one time or another.

The more she thought about it, the more it became plausible. She remembers what her girls told her about Stewie admiring Harmony's chest. They had a good laugh at the time. But there was something strange going on here.

"Come on girls. We have more important thing to do with our time." she says to her girls, but with her eyes on Stewie.

The girls leave together and Buffy thinks about Cordelia's word. "Stewie, are you entering puberty?" she asks her brother.

"No. Not for another six point three month yet. Why do you ask?" he tells Buffy.

"Because she was right. Your eyes were all over her chest." she says.

"You can predict when you'll enter puberty?" asks Willow.

"Yes I can." Stewie tells Willow. "It's not like I had a choice. Her chest was bouncing all over the place right over my head. If she was going to put on a free show like that I was going to watch. Puberty, or not."

"I'm with the little perv. Buff. She was putting on a pretty good show there. Heck even Willow was watching." says Xander.

"Uh huh. I couldn't look away. I wonder how was she making them move like that?" asks a curious Willow.

"Come on Willow. Let's get out of here. I so don't want to be a part of this conversation." says Buffy grabbing Willow's hand and taking off with her.

"Meh." says Stewie.

"Did you get her show on your hidden camera?" Xander asks Stewie.

"Of course. I'll send you a copy. How's you computer studies progressing?" he asks.

"Okay I guess. Ever since you showed me how to manipulate all the Internet porn I could handle for free. You got me hooked. I still want the real deal, but until then..." says Xander. "... So. You want to tell me what's the deal with Harmony?" he asks.

"I'm making a Barbie." says Stewie.

"Are we expecting trouble?" Xander asks.

"Let's just say it's better to be prepared." says Stewie.

"Why the Cordettes?" Xander asks.

"Why not?" is th quick response.

Xander gives him the look to come clean.

"It's a three fold answer. One, it really is better to be prepared. And the second is, would you expect a Barbie to put up a fight." explains Stewie. "Finally I'm going to ask you a question and see if you could answer. Who controls the social order of our society?" he asks Xander.

"Cordy and her sheep." Xander tells him.

"Cordy and her sheep indeed. With out the Cordettes in the way, we'll be able to operate among the students without any opposition. When the time comes for swift action I don't want anyone to stand in our way. Anyone!" Stewie explains.

"Barbie Gladiators. Heh. Buffy is gonna blow a gasket when she finds out." says Xander.

"Then let's make sure she doesn't until the deed is done, and even then..." Stewie lets the sentece hang.

The bell rings, they go to their classes. Xander to his computer class, and Stewie to his shop class. He was trying to become handy.

End of Chapter.
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