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Stewie can do better.

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Story

Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628618750,87630 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

On with the show.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Family Guy belongs to some other Guy. Seth MacFarlane and Fox Broadcasting Company. BTVS belongs to Joss Whedon.


*Mental conversation*



Summers Residence, 1630 Revello Drive.





Buffy runs out of her room after Stewie. Stewie looks back from the top of the stairs and gives her the finger to make sure she's properly motivated. "Catch me if you can overweight anorexic." he says adding salt to the wound. He jumps from the top of the stairs to the living room.

Buffy screeches in rage and follows in his footsteps. "You evil demon seed. How dare you call me fat?" she shouts, as she lands right behind where he was.

Stewie makes it into the kitchen, he activates a remote and the kitchen door opens automatically. He runs out of the house shouting taunts and insults to keep Buffy in the proper frame of mind.

Joyce and Dawn are right behind them. "Buffy stop chasing your brother. Stewie stop egging her on. You're both ground for the rest of your life." Joyce yells after the fleeing pair.

"Yes. Way to go mom." says Dawn encouraging her mother to make sure the two never see the light of day again. "Throw them into the dungeon." she says to her mom, as she catches up with her.

"Don't be silly Dawn. Where we going to get a dungeon?" Joyce asks her, as they follow the pair into the street. The kitchen door closes automatically behind them.

"Have you been in the basement lately?" dawn asks her mother as she puts on a burst of speed to keep her siblings from disappearing down the street.

"He built a dungeon in the basement?" she asks Dawn as she pours on the speed herself. She was enjoying this chase in spite of herself. Stewie's enhancements have not only opened her eyes to the future possibilities available to her now, but the dangers her family would face as well. She knew that deep down Stewie would make sure that everything would come out alright in the end.

The chase led then into one of the cemeteries near by. It was getting dark. "Dawn do you have your kit with you?" she asks as she gets close to her youngest daughter.

"Yep. Grabbed it on the way out. Did you?" Dawn asks her mother.

"Didn't have time. Stay close." she orders, as they come out of the cemetery without incident.

"That's Willow's house up ahead." Dawn points down the street. " There goes Willow and Xander right behind them." she says, as Willow and Xander join in. "Hey guys hold up. We're right behind you." shouts Dawn.

Willow slows down a bit to let the Summers women catch up, but Xander had increased his speed and he was just behind Buffy. He was close enough to hear the Stewie's running commentary about Buffy's fat ass. From his position right behind her, Xander found nothing wrong with her fabulous globes. He decides to examine them a little bit more just to make sure.

"What's he doing?" says Willow as she sees that Xander was running just behind Buffy.

"It looks like he's checking out her ass." says Dawn. 'The pig. Why doesn't he check me out like that?' she thinks.

"Dawn I'm sure that's not it." says Joyce. Privately she was sure it was. 'He has a fine ass himself. I wouldn't mind sampling him and Willow's goodies at some point. I know she's interested. She keeps checking me and Buffy out, when she thinks no one's looking. I think she's forgotten that our senses are no longer dependent on just our eyes. I haven't had fun like that in ages. Not since that time Hank took me to that club.' she thinks as she gets into the spirit of the chase and starts to enjoy it for what it is. Stewie was leading them on a chase. They were hunter and this was as close to a hunt as it gets.

They went into yet another cemetery that was a little bit more remote than the one close to their house. The pack could sense the other predators in the night, but they kept their distance. They watched and listened. Some of them would later sell that information to interested parties.

"Come on you cow. I know you can do better, or has the bleach you're using affected your body as well as your brains. By the way, I've never really cared about this since the scanner in the bathroom are not the sort that can be interpreted by the human senses. Do you make the carpet match the roof?" Stewie asks.

"You! Are! So! Dead!" Buffy promises as she lunges at the evil creature disguised as her brother. 'God I hope I'm adopted. There's no way that thing's my brother.' she thinks.

"Not to interrupt this beautiful family moment Buffster, but we're starting to pick up some interest from the wildlife." Xander tells her from behind.

For the first time Buffy looks back and sees that he was right. Not only was Xander behind her, but so was Willow, Dawn and her mom. Behind them she catches a glimpse of Angel in the shadows. And from somewhere, somehow, Harmony and her friends had joined the chase.

"What the hell is going on?" she complains to Xander. "Can't a girl kill her brother in peace?" she asks.

"I think they have laws against that Buff." Xander tells her.

"You shut up. You're only saying that because you work for him." she says as she puts on an extra burst of speed and tackles her evil brother to the ground.

Stewie fights back and Xander tries to separate them. Mostly he was just groping Buffy. The hits that land would heal. A Buffy grope was a thing to remember.

Joyce and the girls reach them and with a few minutes she gets her children under control. Joyce notices the crowd forming around them.

"You two are grounded for the rest of your life. Buffy, you are not allowed to kill your brother. When we get home I want the full story about this murder at school." she demands.

"...But... Mom..." tries Buffy.

"But me no buts young lady. Your brother is at least smart enough not to argue in front of strangers." Joyce tells her.

"They're not strangers, they're his back up." she says pointing at the girls. Angel and a few of the darker things in town slip back into the shadows. Angel was still a little gun shy around Joyce.

"We'll continue this at home. Stewie, are you going to introduce me to your friend?" she asks.

"But of course. Girls front and center. Chop. Chop." Stewie commands the Barbie brigade to form up. For now the ranks only consisted of Harmony and the Cordettes. 'I wonder if I can negotiate with Cordelia for her services.' he thinks as he makes with the introduction.



Sunnydale High School, The stage in the auditorium.









"And my lovely assistant steps into the box..." Marc waits until his assistant enters the box. He closes the door and turns it around.

"And... behold!" he shouts as he opens the door, but his assistant Lynn is still there. "You were supposed to leave!" he tells

Xander and Willow are in the seats watching and laughing. Marc closes the door to the box and butts his head against it. Giles comes out

from backstage with Cordelia close behind.

"I don't understand why I... why I have to follow Brett and his stupid band." asks Cordelia.

"Because we have to clear their equipment before the finale. I told you." Giles explains.

"But the mood! It'll be all wrong! My song is about dignity and human feelings and personal... hygiene or something. Anyway, it's sappy,

and no one is gonna be feeling sappy after all that Rock and Roll." Cordelia argues with Giles trying to convince him to move her act.

Giles doesn't want to hear it. He gives Cordelia a look like somethings wrong.

"Uhhh, what?" asks Cordelia sensing somethings wrong.

"Oh! I'm sorry. Um, your hair, uh..." says Giles hesitantly.

"There's something wrong with my hair?" Cordelia asks Giles, as she pulls it behind her ears.

Giles remains silent, but continues to stare.

"Ohmigod!" Cordelia cries out, as she quickly leaves.

"Xander was right. It worked like a charm." he says. He sees Buffy come down the aisle and goes over to her. "Hello. You look a bit

worse for, uh..." Giles tells Buffy, as she heads into the seats to Willow and Xander. "What exactly are you the worse for?" he asks

"Where's Morgan?" she asks as she sits down.

"Uh, I, I... haven't seen him." says Giles.

"Did he do something to you?" asks Xander.

"No, it was his... Sid, the dummy." she tells them.

She suddenly has Giles' full attention.

"Okay, everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit, 'cause that's how stupid I feel saying this... I think Sid was in my room last night." explains Buffy.

"With Morgan?" asks Willow.

"No. He was alone. And alive." Buffy tells her.

"Did you see him?" asks Xander.

"Well, I saw something. I-it ran across my floor, under my bed and then it attacked me." she explains.

"Attacked you? How?" Giles asks her to explain.

"It was like it pounced on my face." she says

"Like a cat." says Xander trying to help.

"Yeah, exactly! But when I turned the lights on it was already gone. I-I think it went out my window."

"Like a cat." says Xander, again.

"Yeah! No! It was Sid, the dummy." says Buffy.

"Or possibly the nightmare of somebody who had... dummies on her mind." says Giles trying to be helpful

"You did say they creep you out." adds Willow.

"Excuse me? Can I have a 'little' support here, please? I'm not just some crazy person, I'm the Slayer." says Buffy in a huff.

"The dummy Slayer?" says Xander. When he gets a look from Buffy, he corrects himself. "There's nothing funny about that." he sigh. 'Damn hormones. Why can't I be satisfied with what I've already have. God knows Willow is becoming one freaky girl in and out of bed.' he thinks.

"Well, on the side of the 'Morgan's just crazy' theory there is, well, Morgan." Willow says, as she sees Morgan go by carrying Sid.

Morgan opens Sid's case.

"I'd like to see Morgan without his better half for a few minutes. Bet he could tell me something." says Buffy.

Morgan sits down with Sid on his lap.

"Oh, uh, i-if it's any consolation, I... I may have found a possible demon culprit." says Giles holding up a book. "The-there's a reference in here to a brotherhood of seven demons who take, uh, the form of young humans. Every seven years these demons need human organs, a-a-a brain and a heart, to maintain their humanity. Otherwise they, they, they revert back to their original form, which is, uh, uh, slightly less appealing." Giles explains.

He hands Xander the book open to a sketch of one of the demons.

"So Morgan could still be the guy, only demon Morgan instead of crazy Morgan." says Willow.

Morgan fusses with Sid's shoes.

"It's said that these demons are, are, are preternaturally strong, and, and, and... Morgan is, is... Well, he seems to be getting weaker every day." Giles says giving them more information.

Morgan puts his hand on his head. Buffy observes him.



Sunnydale High School, History class.





"It was as a result of this that President Monroe put forth the eponymous, meaning named after one's self, Monroe Doctrine, which in one sense established the U.S. as a local peace keeper." Mrs. Jackson lectures, as she walks around the room.

She walks behind Buffy, who is intently watching Sid. Sid turns his head back to look at her and lowers his brows. Buffy is creeped out and looks down at her desk. A moment later she looks back up at him. Sid just stares back. Cordelia notices and leans over to comment.

"Looks like someone digs you. That's adorable. You and the dummy could tour in the freak show!" snipes Cordelia.

She smiles smugly as she leans back into her chair. Buffy says nothing. She just looks back at Sid, then down at her desk again.

"Okay, who can tell me how Spain responded to this policy?" asks Mrs. Jackson.

Sid is whispering to Morgan. Mrs. Jackson notices.

"Morgan? Morgan?" Mrs. Jackson says trying to get her student's attention.

"What?" he says, as he looks at Sid, then up at Mrs. Jackson.

"Morgan has other things on his mind." says Sid.

The students laugh. Mrs. Jackson approaches Morgan.

"Give me your puppet." says Mrs. Jackson.

"I'll put him away." replies Morgan.

"You'll get it back after school." she says, as she takes Sid away.

She opens a cupboard, puts Sid in and closes it.

"Okay, then. In the first part of the nineteenth century..." Mrs. Jackson begins again, but Sid interrupts from the cupboard.

"I'm still watchin' you." he says.

Buffy looks at the cupboard.

"Morgan, that is enough!" demands Mrs. Jackson.

Xander and Buffy look at Morgan. He looks back at Buffy, then at Mrs. Jackson.

After school. Morgan comes back into the classroom to retrieve Sid.

"Mrs. Jackson." says Morgan

"Morgan." replies Mrs. Jackson.

You said you'd give me..." says Morgan.

"Oh, of course." says Mrs. Jackson.

She gets up and goes over to the cupboard. Morgan follows her expectantly. Before she gets Sid out she stops and faces Morgan.

"Y'know, I wanted to ask you, is everything okay? At home, here at school?" she asks

"Yeah, it's great." he replies.

"I feel like you've become... a little detached." she says.

"Mm!" Morgan says, as he rubs his head in pain.

"You're one of the brightest kids I've seen in a long time, but lately it seems like you're not all there." Mrs. Jackson continues.

Morgan has both his hands on his head now, rubbing.

"Try not to let other things get in the way." she finishes.

"Okay! Can I get Sid now?" Morgan says, as he takes his hands down.

"Sure." she replies.

She goes over to the cupboard and opens it, but Sid is gone. She turns back to Morgan.

"It's gone!" says the surprised teacher.

"Gone? Whadaya mean, gone? Where could he have gone?" asks an anxious Morgan.

"I put it right here." says Mrs. Jackson.

"He knew to wait for me. He knew I'd be back." he says, almost panicking

"What do you mean 'he'?" asks the teacher.

"What did you do with him? Where is he?" Morgan demands an answer.


Sunnydale High school, The Library.





Xander has Sid and is playing with him. Buffy, Willow and Giles come in. Willow and Giles have their arms full of costumes. Buffy sees Xander holding Sid.

"Where did you get that?" asks Buffy.

"Oh, I, uh, took it out of Mrs. Jackson's cupboard. I thought you said you wanted to be able to speak to Morgan alone, and uh... well,
Morgan's alone, and, uh... Sid's with me." explains Xander.

Buffy stares at Sid uncomfortably.

"Hi, Buffy! Hi, Willow! Would you like to hear some off-color jokes?" Xander moving Sid's head around.

"I really don't think you should be doing that." Buffy warns him.

"What? C'mon...I'm not real!" says Xander, as Sid.

"Xander, quit it!" says Buffy.

She turns and walks a few steps away. She stops and looks back when she hears Xander pounding Sid's head into the table.

Xander: He's... not... real! I think our demonstration proves that, uh, Sid is wood." Xander says, as he knocks on Sid's head several times. "Now, why don't you go and find Morgan and prove he's... whatever he is?" he says.

"I imagine he's looking for his puppet." Giles ventures a suggestion.

"I'll go find Morgan. You watch the dummy." she tells Xander.

"Bye-bye, now. I'm completely inanimate." says Xander, as Sid.

Buffy gives Xander another look and goes out the door.

"Redrum! Redruuum!" says Xander, as Sid again.

"What do we do with him?" asks Willow.

"Eh, I'll keep him company." says Xander.

"Willow, we have some hunting of our own to do." says Giles.

"Once again I'm banished to the demon section of the card catalog." says Willow with a fake sigh.

Xander looks at Sid and goes over to the table with him. Giles and Willow go up into the stacks.

"You concentrate on re-animation theory. I'll peck about in organ harvesting. Unless, of course, you prefer..." Giles gives her the option choosing her topic.

"That's okay, you can have the organs." Willow to go with the re-animation theory.

Xander puts Sid in the chair at the end of the table.

"So, I guess it's just... you and me, huh?" he says. He turns Sid's head away and pats him. "That looks more comfortable." he says.

He leaves Sid on the chair.


Sunnydale High School. The Quad.





"Emily. The girls tell me that you were almost attacked by someone in a fright mask. Is that correct?' Stewie asks the dancer.

"That's right. I was about to change in the girl's locker room, when I heard this noise. I called out several times to see who it was, but he didn't says anything.

"I see, I see. Well then I'm going to show you a picture. I want to see if you recognize it." he says showing her a picture on his laptop of the demon Giles found in his book.

"That him. Where did you find this?" asks Emily.

"There were other witnesses. Nice work girls. We'll catch this pervert in no time thanks to your vigilance." Stewie tells them.


Sunnydale High School, The Auditorium.





"Morgan?" asks Buffy.

Buffy walks along the front and then up the stairs to the stage.

"Morgan?" she asks again, but no one answers.

She walks backstage. She draws a curtain aside, but no one's there. She takes the steps down to the makeup area and tries a door. It's locked. She hears another door close and turns toward the sound. A gust blows through another curtain. Slowly she walks toward it. She quickly turns her head when she senses something behind her, and sees Principal Snyder at the top of the steps to the stage.

"Principal Snyder!" she says in surprise.

"Looking for something?" he asks.

"Have you seen Morgan Shay?" she asks.

"You know, with everything that's been going on recently, I'm not sure how safe it is for a girl like yourself to be here... alone." he tells her

"Well, I was just leaving. And I know how to take care of myself." she tells him.

They stare at each other a moment.

"Alright, then." Snyder lets the subject drop.

He goes back up the stairs and leaves.



Sunnydale High School, The Library.





Xander looks over at Sid in his chair, then turns back to his homework. In to the stacks.

Willow asks Giles, "Look what I found in the section on toys and magic:'On rare occasions inanimate objects of human quality, such as dolls and mannequins, already mystically possessed of consciousness, have acted upon their desire to become human by harvesting organs.'" she finishes reading the book.

"Ginger's heart." says Giles.

"Morgan's dummy." adds Willow.

"Mm." says Giles.

Xander gets up to get a reference book. When he gets back to the table Sid is gone, but Xander doesn't notice. He slams the book on
the table, sits down again and begins to read. After a moment he glances at Sid's chair and jumps up frightened when he sees it empty.

"Whoa!" shouts Xander.

He climbs onto the table. Giles and Willow come running out of the stacks.

"What is it?" asks Giles.

"He's gone!" he says pointing to the chair. "Sid's gone!"

"What? Oh!" Giles says as he remembers what Willow just read hits home.

"Uhhh!" says Willow.

They're both on edge and look around themselves. Both ready for a fight.


Sunnydale High School, Backstage.





Buffy continues to look around. She hears some creaking.

"Morgan?" she asks again.

She backtracks a bit and goes toward the noise. She pushes some clothes on a rack aside, but sees nothing. She continues and eventually stumbles on something. She looks down and sees Morgan's body lying there.

"Morgan!" Buffy says in a whisper. She slowly backs away. "Demon's got himself a brain."

She keeps backing through a bead curtain and hears a snapping noise above. She looks up and sees a wrought iron chandelier falling on her.

Buffy is unconscious under the chandelier. She wakes and moans. Her vision is a bit blurred. She hears quick little footsteps and immediately becomes alert. She sees Sid run across the catwalk above her. She tries to lift the chandelier off of herself, but it's very heavy. Sid has come down now, and Buffy sees him in the shadows.

"Who's ever out there, I'm gonna hurt you! Badly! If you'll just gimme a minute..." Buffy threatens.

She tries lifting again, but to no avail. She looks back to where she saw Sid and sees his knife poised above her. She turns her head just in time to avoid being stabbed in the face. Sid lifts the knife and tries again, but misses.

Buffy flails out with her left arm and knocks him away. She tries lifting again, but this time she gets a little help from her brother. Stewie lifts the chandelier from one end and she the other, it's enough to get out from underneath it. While Stewie is busy holding his end, Sid attacks her from behind as she slides out, but she knocks him away and into a wall. His knife goes sliding across the floor. Buffy gets out and jumps over on top of Sid, pinning him against the wall with her arm.

Stewie drops the chandelier, as soon as she's safe.

"You win. Now you can take your heart and your brain and move on." Sid tells her.

"I'm sure they would have made great trophies for your case." she tells him.

"What the devil are you and this toy, talking about? It's not another robot, is it?" he asks his sister.

"That woulda been justice." Sid tells her.

"It's an evil magical puppet." she tells her brother. "You lost, and now you'll never be human."

"Yeah, well, neither will you." he says.

They are both confused.

"What?" Buffy and Sid ask at the same time.


Sunnydale High School, The Library.





Giles and Xander stare at Sid in wide-eyed and open-mouthed amazement. Willow and Buffy just stare and listen. Stewie's just bored. 'I would rather have another robot to play with. It's not economical to make these things. Too many repercussion from the damned backlash, and the curses, and whatnot.' he thinks.

"This is what I do. I hunt demons. Yeah, you wouldn't know it to look at me. Let's just say there was me, there was a really mean demon, there was a curse, and the next thing I know I'm not me anymore. I'm sitting on some guy's knee, with his hand up my shirt." explains Sid.

"And ever since then you've been a living dummy?" asks Willow.

"The kid here was right all along. I shoulda picked you to team up with. But I didn't because..." Sid begins.

But Buffy interrupts, "Because you thought 'I' was the demon."

"Who can blame me for thinking? Look at you! You're strong, athletic, limber... nubile..." he says, but he goes off into his own fantasy world for a while. He shakes his head, to clear it. "I'm back! In any case, now that this demon's got the heart and brain, he gets to keep the human form he's in for another seven years."

The tea kettle starts to whistle. Giles gets up to tend to it.

"I must say, it's a welcome change to have someone else explain all these things." he says.

"There were seven of these guys. I've killed six. If I can get the last one, the curse will be lifted and I'll be free. I'm sure it's someone in that stupid talent show." Sid explains.

"I've read about these curses. They're too impractical. Sure, they generate a lot of suffering for the unfortunate victims for a while, but there's always an escape clause somewhere, ready to be exploited, by those who know what they're doing. This is why I dislike working with magic, it's so unreliable in the long run." says Stewie.

"Not all magic runs along those lines." says Giles.

"Yeah. Whatever. Back to our demon problem, now that demon has what he wants. He'll be moving on." guesses Buffy.

"We'll talk later." says Stewie, and Giles nods.

"So, once we know who's missing from the show..." Sid begins

"We'll know who our demon is!" Buffy finishes his thought.

"The show!" shouts Giles.

"What?" asks Buffy.

"It's gonna start! I'm supposed to be there!" Giles explains.

"Okay, um, start pulling everyone's addresses in the talent show. I-if they're not there, maybe we can catch them at home." Buffy asks Willow and Stewie.

"And you, get 'em all on stage, form the power circle. Then we can see who's a no-show." adds Sid.

"Um, uh, the what?" asks Giles.

"The power circle. You get everyone together, you get 'em, you know, revved up." says Sid.

"Right." replies Giles still confused, but goes anyway.

"How'd 'he' ever get that gig?" asks Sid.


Sunnydale High School, Backstage.





"Fifteen minutes to curtain, everyone! Uh, fifteen minutes!" Giles warns his performers.

He turns to go back out. Cordelia chases him down.

"I, I can't go out there. All those people staring at me and judging me like I'm some kind of... Buffy! What if I mess up?" says Cordelia on the verge of panic.

"Cordelia, there, uh, there-there's, uh, uh, an adage, uh, that, uh, if you're feeling nervous then, uh, you should imagine the entire audience are in their underwear." says Giles, as he tries to give her some advice to calm her stage fright.

"Eww! Even Mrs. Franklin? Uhhh!" she says.

"Perhaps not." agrees Giles.

"Yeah." says Cordelia.

"Um, alright, um, we'll assemble on the stage in five minutes for the, um, uh, power thing." he says to everyone.

On the catwalk. Sid and Buffy are sitting and waiting to see who's missing from the circle.

"So, what's your deal, kid? I don't figure you for a demon hunter." Sid asks.

"I'm a Vampire Slayer." she confesses.

"You?! You're the Slayer?" he says in surprise.

Buffy nods.

"Damn! I knew a Slayer in the 30's. Korean chick. Very hot. We're talking 'muscle' tone. Man, we had some times. Hey, that was pre-dummy, alright? Now, I was a guy!" he says remembering the fun times.

"So, you kill the demon and the curse is lifted, right?" she asks.

"That's the drill." he says.

"You don't actually turn into a prince, do you? I-I mean, your body..." she asks.

"Is dust and bones. When I say free..." he says

"You mean dead." she again finishes his sentence for him.

"Don't get sniffly on me, sis. I've lived a lot longer than most demon hunters. Or Slayers, for that matter." he tells her.

Buffy looks down, depressed about her lot in life.

"Of course, if you want to snuggle up and comfort me..." he says putting the moves on her.

Buffy takes his hand off of her knee, "So, that horny dummy thing really 'isn't' an act, is it?" she asks.

"Nope!" he tells her.

"Yuk!" she tells him.

Sid and Buffy look down onto the stage.

"I-is everybody here?" Giles asks the group.

The talent gathers on the stage.

"Okay, here comes our line-up." Sid tells Buffy.

"Quickly, everyone! Uh... um, power circle." Giles orders the students.

The students arrange themselves in a circle and hold hands. Sid and Buffy scan the group for any missing members. Giles looks around as
well.

"Well, that's that, then. Um, everybody, uh, get ready!" he tells them.

Some of the students don't get it, but the circle breaks up quickly as they scramble to get ready. Giles scratches his head, confused. Buffy bends down and slips underneath the catwalk railing.

"Hold on." She tells the puppet.

She drops to the stage below. Sid watches her fall. She lands squarely on her feet and goes over to Giles.

"No one's missing." Giles tells her.

"So the demon isn't in the show." she asks.

"It seems not. Uh, tell the others. Look, it's nearly curtain. I must get the show rolling." he tells her.

"Right." she says.

"Right." he replies.

She looks for Sid up on the catwalk, but he's gone.

"Sid?" she says softly.

Principal Snyder nosing around backstage. Giles sees him, and Snyder faces him. Giles isn't sure why he's there. Snyder puts his fist into his palm and walks away. Giles follows him.

Buffy is still looking for Sid.

"Sid?" she says again.

She stops next to a workbench. Something drips onto her arm from above. She shakes it off and looks up. She reaches up to a shelf to see what's dripping, and Morgan's brain falls down and into her hands. She lets out a startled yelp and drops the brain. It jiggles when it hits the floor.


Sunnydale High School, The Library.







Willow is typing away at the computer. Buffy walks up to her staring at her hands.

"I'm never gonna stop washing my hands." Buffy tells Willow.

"So, the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter. And we're, like, fine, la la la la. He takes off, and now there's a brain. Does
anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd?" Xander asks the two girls.

"Sid's on the level, I'm sure of it. But why would the demon have rejected the brain? I-I mean, I thought Morgan was one of the smartest kid in school." she asks.

"He was, look at his grades: all A's. He was even taking college classes. Wait a second." says Willow.

"What?" asks Buffy.

"All these sick days." she points out.

"He was off for, like, half the year!" says Xander.

"Check the school nurse's file." Buffy tells Willow.

"Look at this! 'In case of emergency, contact Dr. Dale Leggett, California Institute of Neurosurgery, Cancer Ward.'" Willow reads the information on the screen.

"Brain cancer?" guesses Xander.

"That's why he had all the headaches." concludes Willow.

"This means that whatever's out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain." points out Buffy.

"In other words, I'm safe!" Xander says with a smile.

"And it's gonna be looking for the smartest person around." says Buffy

She and Xander look at Willow. She looks back and forth between them.

"What?" she asks.



Sunnydale High School, Backstage.





Giles is helping Marc set up, and has a pair of weights in his hands.

"Yes, if you, you calibrated the units of weight then you could calculate the, uh, specific maximum velocity achieved before the point of impact." Giles explains.

"Gee, Mr. Giles, you're really... smart! Could you do me a favor?" asks Marc, as he tests his guillotine on a honeydew melon. Giles picks up a half melon.

"Oh, my!" says Giles.

"Pretty cool, huh?" says Marc.

"Are you sure there's no one else who could help you out?" asks Giles.

"My assistant got sick. And Stewie laughed at me when I asked. You won't have to say anything. I'll, I'll show you. Lie down." Marc tells him.

"Uh, uh, how, how exactly does it work?" Giles asks, as he inspects the guillotine.

Marc pulls the blade back up by its rope and ties it down.

"A good magician never tells his secrets." says Marc. He sees his hand and arm begin to revert to demon form, and shakes his sleeve to get it to cover up better. "C'mon. We haven't got much time."





Sunnydale High School, The Library.





"What could a demon possibly want from me?" asks Willow.

"What's the square root of 841?" asks Xander.

"29. Oh, yeah." she says, as she puts two and two together.

"Don't worry, Willow. As long as you're with us there's absolutely no way that demon is gonna get what he wants." Buffy reassures her.

"This is ridiculous. We can't just sit here and wait for him to come to us. We have to figure out who we're dealing with.

"I still vote dummy." says Xander.

"No. Okay, so we ruled out all the people in the talent show..." says Buffy.

"That's because they were all there. But that's before we found the brain." says Willow correcting Buffy's assumptions.

"Right. So it probably 'is' one of them. And, and Giles, and Stewie don't know! They're with them all right now!"

"Uch! Giles and Stewie can handle themselves. I mean, they 'are' really... smart!" Xander says, as the answer clicks in his mind.

Buffy slams the door open and runs out and down the hall.

"STEWIE! GILES!" Buffy shouts as she bolts from the library.

Xander and Willow are hot on her heels.



Sunnydale High School, Backstage.





Giles is strapped down to the guillotine bench.

"Sh-sh-shouldn't it be aimed at my neck?" asks Giles.

"No. No, this way your scalp gets sliced off and your brains just... come pouring out." says Marc.

He slides the head restraint down onto Giles' forehead. He reaches over and locks it down with a padlock.

"What exactly is the trick?" asks Giles.

"Trick?" asks Marc, as he pulls the chest restraint tighter.

"Marc?" Giles asks, starting to get worried.

Marc goes over to the block where the rope holding the guillotine blade is tied down. He grabs his hatchet and takes a swing at the rope. Giles is terrified. Marc takes another swing. The rope is half cut now.

"M-Marc? Stop! Stewie! Anybody! HELP!!!" he yells.

Stewie and the girls hear Giles shout for help and they rush to the backstage. They see Marc swing, and the rope is almost cut through. The blade slips a bit. Giles looks up at it in terror. Another swing, and the rope hangs by a thread. Marc raises the hatchet for the final cut.

Stewie runs and jumps at Marc and kicks the hatchet out of his hands. Harmony and the Cordettes rush Marc together, as a group. He backs away and Buffy lunges at him and tackles him to the floor. She leg sweeps Marc, kicking his legs out from under him as he tries to get up. She stands up and adopts a fighting stance. As Marc tries to get up again, she throws an inverted crescent kick to his face, and he goes down again. Marc growls as he starts to get up, and Buffy sees that the skin on his face is beginning to turn back into its demon state.

"Ewww!" she says.

Harmony and the Cordettes agree with her. "Ewwww." they say together.

Marc takes advantage of her distraction and jumps up and punches Buffy, then follows up with a backhand fist to her face. She spins around and falls to the floor.

Stewie takes the opportunity and kicks the demon in the nads from behind while he was busy with Buffy. "Girls, help Mister Giles." he orders.

The rope stretches and snaps, and the blade begins to fall. Giles yells out and clamps his eyes shut. At the last instant Xander grabs the rope from midair and stops the blade. Giles hears it stop and opens his eyes. He sees it go back up as Xander pulls on the rope.

Buffy gets up, and punches the demon from behind, as he deals with Stewie. Willow goes to Giles and helps the girls undo the restraints.

"Where are the keys?" she asks

"Marc's got it!" Giles tells her.

"Willow!" Xander shouts. He takes out his collapsible shovel, extends it and throws it to his girlfriend.

She grabs it out of the air, and begins to hack at the lock.

"Hurry!" Giles shouts.

While the demon backs away to keep both Stewie and Buffy in front of him Stewie takes the opportunity to take out his own shovel. When Buffy attacks the demon, he gets ready. As Buffy hits the floor one more time he shoots it with an energy blast and while it was off balance, he reverses his grip on the shovel and uses it like an axe to hack at the head.

Willow and the Cordettes free Giles from the guillotine.

Sid charges the demon "I found you!" he shouts. He jumps on the demons back and starts to hack away with his knife.

The demon ignores Sid, and concentrates on deflecting the blows from Stewie. Buffy Charges the demon one more time. She gets a free hit and she takes it. She hits the demon in the face with an open hand punch followed by a backhand punch. She follows through with a full spinning side kick to the demon's gut, making him stagger back onto the bench and land with his neck in the guillotine.

"Let go!" Buffy tells Xander, but he was ahead of her. The blade falls, chopping off the demon's head. Its body slumps lifeless on the bench. Willow and the Cordettes cringe at the sight. They all stare at what's left of the demon.

"Uh... I must say, all of you... Your t-timing is impeccable." Giles tells them.

"And now for the big finish." says Sid.

He has positioned himself over the demon's chest with his knife.

"What are you doing?" asks Buffy.

"It's not enough. He'll come back. You have to get the heart. Then all of this'll be over." Sid explains.

She holds out her hand for the knife.

"Let me." she says.

"I got it. Thanks." Sid tells her. He wields back with the knife and plunges it into the demon's heart. He pulls back to do it again, but his aim was true the first time, and he just slumps over onto the demon with the knife still in his hands, now a lifeless puppet.

Buffy looks at Sid sadly and lets out a deep breath. Giles takes off his glasses. Buffy gently lifts Sid from the demon and holds him in her arms. She starts to walk off stage.

"It's over." she tells the puppet.

She stops as the curtain is drawn and looks out at the audience. Giles puts his glasses back on and stares out as well. Willow is still holding the shovel as she stands there looking out at the audience with a nervous look on her face. Buffy and Xander look out, too. Harmony and the The Cordettes are used to people staring at them. It was their due as beautiful girls, they pose before the audience. Principal Snyder doesn't understand what he is seeing.

"I don't get it. What is it? Avant-garde?" he asks.

Joyce and Dawn sitting in the audience are confused by what they're looking at as well.

Work in progress...
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