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Stewie can do better.

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Story

Summary: Stewie gets disgusted with the first season BTVS.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family Guy
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: Humor
RafMereCFR1534171,628618749,95530 Sep 0913 Apr 10No

Dreams. Nightmares and Rodeo Drive.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Family Guy belongs to some other Guy. Seth MacFarlane and Fox Broadcasting Company. BTVS belongs to Joss Whedon.


*Mental conversation*



Summers Residence, 1630 Revello Drive, Buffy's Room.





"NO! NO!" Buffy shouts in her sleep. "No..."

She's having a nightmare. Joyce is sitting on the edge of her bed trying to shake her awake.

"Yes." says Joyce.

Buffy wakes up suddenly with her eyes open wide.

"It's time to get up for school." says Joyce.

"Mom?" says Buffy

"Are you alright?" asks Joyce.

"No. Uh, yeah! Yeah! I'm, I'm fine! Oh School! Great." she says, as she gets out of bed.

"You wanna go to school?" her mother asks.

"Sure! Why not?" replies Buffy.

"Okay. Good day to buy that lottery ticket. I spoke with your father." says Joyce as she opens the blinds.

"He's coming, right?" she asks.

"You're on for this weekend." confirms Joyce.

"Good." says Buffy.

They hear a crash from the kitchen and the sounds of a struggle taking place. Together mother and daughter run towards the sounds coming from the kitchen.

"TAKE THAT BACK YOU WANNA BE!!!" Dawn yells at Stewie.

"MAKE ME!" Stewie shouts right back.

Buffy is the first one into the kitchen with Joyce right behind her. They see Dawn and Stewie trying to kill each other.

Stewie ducks the back swing from mop handle, jumps over the table and grabs a pair of large salad wooden spoon, to parry Dawns next strike.

"DAWN! STEWIE! FREEZE!" shouts Joyce.

Buffy dives at her siblings and grabs the mop and spoons, before they hurt each other even further.

"What the hell is going on with you two? I just left you alone for less than a minute and you're ready to kill each other." says Joyce growling her words.

It has the desired effect of stopping the twins from killing each other.

"Well?" she demands.

"Stewie says he doesn't want to see Daddy. He says that he never wants to see that fool again. I told him to take back, but he wouldn't. He kept saying mean things about him.

"Bite my rosy arse cheeks you daddy lover!" Stewie tells her angrily.

"Enough!" Joyce commands the terrors to be quiet.

"Stewie. Why? Why are you saying these things about your father?" Joyce asks her son.

"Only a fool would leave a woman like to chase after that office slut he's playing let's hide the salami. That man is no longer my father..." Stewie explains. Joyce cuts him off.

"Stewie! No honey you're too young to think like that. No matter what, he's still your father." says Joyce defending her ex husband.

"No. He's just a genetic donor. The moment he left us, he was off my Christmas list..." he shouts.

"Take it back you pin head!" shouts dawn.

"Never!" declares Stewie.

"Stewie. No. He's your father. He's just going through a mid-life crisis..." Joyce says trying to defend the child who used to be her husband.

"It looks like he found he's inner child in the office slut's..." he begins, but Buffy doesn't let him finish. she clamps his mouth shut with her left hand.

"Shhh. So not the time for this. Leave it." she tells her brother.

Stewie calms down. He pries Buffy's fingers from his mouth. "Thank you. I'm done." he tells Buffy. He turns to Joyce and says, "When the genetic donor, gets here, tell him I will not be able to make our appointment."

"Honey he's going to insist." says Joyce.

"Really. If he does, tell him my lawyers will eat his lawyers for breakfast." he says, as he goes to his basement lab.

"I don't think Stewie's over the divorce, just yet mom." says Buffy.

"Screw the but-wipe. He can't talk about daddy like that." says Dawn.

"Dawn! Enough. Come on girls let's clean up the mess. You still have to get to school." she tells them.

"It's Stewie's mess. Why doesn't he clean it up?" complains Dawn.

"I don't want his robots cleaning anything until they work properly." Joyce tells her. "The last time they did that, we had to replace the furniture."




Sunnydale High School, Hall.







"So, do you see your dad a lot?" Willow asks Buffy.

"Not a whole lot." replies Buffy.

"He's still in L.A. He, like, comes down for weekends sometimes." Buffy tells Willow.

"When did they get divorced?" she asks.

"Well, it wasn't finalized till last year, but they were separated before that." Buffy explains.

"Musta been harsh." says Willow.

They reach Buffy's locker.

"Yeah, that's the word you're looking for. I-I mean, they were really good about it around me and Dawn, anyway but still...Stewie didn't... I didn't know how hard it was on him. He totally blew up on Dawn today. I swear, they were trying to kill each other." Buffy tells Willow.

"My parents don't even bicker. Sometimes they glare. Do you know why your folks split up?" asks Willow.

"I didn't ask. They just stopped getting along. I'm sure I was a really big help, though, with all the slaying and everything. I was in so much trouble. I was a big mess. Stewie and Dawn, were Stewie and Dawn." she explains.

"Well, I'm sure that didn't have anything to do with him leaving." says Willow trying to be supportive.

"No. Stewie knew the reason. He let it slip during his blow up this morning. He's never surprised by anything the rents did. He must have had the house wired, even way back then." Buffy tells her.

"And he still comes down on weekends." asks Willow.

"Sometimes." Buffy says closing her locker.


Sunnydale High School, Class.





Cordelia is checking her makeup in her mirror. Wendell comes over and stops to look at his paper in the light. "Hello? Doofus! You're in my light." she growls at the boy blocking the her light.

"Wendell, what is wrong with you? Don't you know that she is the center of the universe, and the rest of us merely revolve around her?" says Xander sarcastically.

"Why don't you revolve yourselves out of my light?" Cordelia tells Xander.

The bell rings. Wendell and Xander go to their seats. Willow and Buffy come in.

"Uh, Wendell was in Cordelia's light." Xander explains to Buffy and Willow, as they come in.

"I'm so ashamed." confesses Wendell.

"Why is she so Evita-like?" asks Willow.

"I think it's the hair." says Buffy.

"It weighs heavy on the cerebral cortex." says Willow with a wicked smile.

"Hey, guys, was there any homework?" Xander asks the girls.

"We're doing active listening today." Willow tells her boyfriend.

"Cool! What's active listening?" he asks.

"That would be the homework." says Willow. " You know that thing you do when Stewie says 'Minion Pay Attention!' Y'know, to get your attention. That's active listening." she explains.

"Chapter five? Active listening? Where you put on your big ears and really focus on the other person?" says Buffy reading from the book.

"Ms. Tishler demonstrated it yesterday." says Wendell.

"With you!" adds Willow.

"She was wearing that tight sweater?" Buffy chips in.

"Oh, the midnight blue angora! See, I was listening." Xander says with a happy smile. Willow slaps the smile away from his face with a gentle swipe.

She noted the midnight blue angora sweater as well. I looked really good on her.

"Alright, take your seats. In a moment we will choose partners and practice what we read about in chapter five." says Ms. Tishler.

Xander cups his ears with his hands while smiling and shaking his head around.

"Good, Xander, that's the spirit!" Ms. Tishler says with a bright smile just for Xander.

Willow and Buffy give each other amused looks.

"Before we do, let's review. Isaacson's research led him to conclude that one of our most fundamental needs after food and shelter is to be heard." she tells the class.

Buffy drops her pencil and bends down to pick it up.

"Wendell, would you read the first two paragraphs on page seventy-eight..."

As Buffy sits back up she sees, a young boy, standing at the door looking in at her.

...where Isaacson describes the rapid improvement active listening brought to some special needs clients." Ms. Tishler continues with her lesson.

Wendell opens his book. He screams and drops it on his desk when there are suddenly a bunch of tarantulas crawling out of it. Ms. Tishler and the students closest to him scream and quickly get out of their chairs and away from him. The tarantulas crawl all over Wendell.

"Please! Get 'em off of me! Help! Help! Get 'em off of me! Help me! Oh, please help me! Please!" screams Wendell

"Sorry about that." says the little boy.

"Please help me!" Wendell continues to scream.

"You! In the front. Pipe down." says Stewie as he takes out a section of the Shovel Handle and shoots Wendell and the tarantulas with a beam set on it's lowest setting.

The tarantulas drop of the stunned student, as he looks around at the smoking, crispy tarantulas surrounding him. Wendell looses it and stomps the crunchy arachnids into a paste.

"Ewww." complains Cordelia, as she gets splattered by the hot tarantulas juices.

Stewie ignores them all. He puts Shovel Handle away in his backpack, and returns to his brooding.


Sunnydale High School, The ground to the school.






Joyce arrives to drop Buffy and Stewie off.

"You're both awfully quiet this morning." says Joyce.

"I didn't sleep well." explains Buffy.

"I'll say. I came in to check on you twice. You were yelling in your sleep. Do you know what you were dreaming?" asks Joyce.

"Not really. Oh, no, my bag! I-I packed it for the weekend and I forgot it!" says Buffy.

"I was setting up a meeting with Bill Eisner." Stewie tells her.

"For that deal your trying to sell to Disney?" Joyce asks.

"Yes. He'll be coming in to sign the contracts. Check out the labs, and so on..." he explains.

"You and your dad can swing by the house to get Dawn and pick up your bags. Stewie are you sure you don't want to join them?" she asks her son.

I'm sure. I've also made it quite clear to him as well. My lawyers, those sharks at Dewie, Cheatum and Howe along with Mister Ubetcha, made sure he got the message." Stewie tells his mother.

"Come on Stewie. Just forgive and move on." she tells her brother. "H-he's picking me up here, a-at 3:30?"

"Honey, a-are you worried your father isn't gonna show?" asks Joyce.

"It would be just like the man to forget, or blow you off..."

"...Stewie!"

"He's not gonna blow me off you..." Starts Buffy. Joyce gives her the look and she drops it. "No! N-not really. Should I be? Worried that is?" she asks her mother.

"Well, of course, not! I-I-I just, I-I know it's a hard situation. You just have to remember that your father adores you. No more than I do, by the way." says Joyce.

"Daddy's girl..." says Stewie underneath his breath.

Joyce and Buffy ignore him. they know they're not going to change his mind.

"Goodbye." Buffy says with a smile.

"Have a great day." says Joyce.

"Thanks." she says getting out of the S.U.V.

"Goodbye mother." says Stewie.

"Come here Stewie." says Joyce. When he gets close, she grabs him and gives him a big bone crushing hug. "Thank you for sticking by me honey, but please cut your sisters some slack. Do it for me. Alright?" she asks.

"...Just for you mother. However when he comes by, I'll be else where. Do not ask for more." he tells.

"If that's the best I can get, I'll accept it, and you be careful with that Bill Eisner. I heard he swims with the sharks and they're too afraid to nibble." she says letting him go.

"Don't worry mother. He may be a shark, we're hyenas, and he'll be out of the water and on my turf. Victory shall be mine." he declares, on his way out of the vehicle.


Sunnydale High School, Halls.





Buffy comes around the corner and is met by Willow and Xander hand in hand.

"Oh, Buffy, we've been looking for you." says Willow.

"We have?" asks Xander giving her the look. He was nibbling on Willow's earlobe when the object of their combined affections came along. 'And here comes her brother. The Tyrant of Sunnydale High School.' he thinks.

"Oh, about the spiders, did you talk to Giles about..." she asks Buffy.

"Oh, the spiders! Willow's been kind of, um, what's the word I'm looking for? Insane about what happened yesterday." Xander explains.

"I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies, and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway? I'll tell you: for crawling across your face in the middle of the night. Ewww! How do they not ruffle you?" asks Willow.

"I'm sorry! I'm unruffled by spiders. Now, if a bunch of Nazis crawled all over my face..." he says leaving out, unsaid what his fantasy for the female Nazis were from time to time. 'Curse you crazy, uncontrollable, runaway teenage hormones.' he thinks privately.

"Mm, it was pretty intense." says Buffy.

"Thank you." says Willow with a smile for Buffy's support.

"Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there." he declares.

"What are you babbling about?" says Stewie coming up from behind him, while he was distracted by the continuing X-rated Nazi female escapades.

"Little blase' there, aren't you?" says Buffy.

"Oh hey there boss..." he says to Stewie cursing his name internally for interrupting the Nazi female All-Star escapades featuring Buffy, Willow, Cordelia, the Cordettes and the cheer leading squad. "...I'm not worried." he tells Buffy. "If there's something bad out there we'll find, we'll slay, we'll party!" he tells her.

"Go Team." says Buffy

Xander explains to Stewie the subject of the day.



Sunnydale High School, Library.





"Okay, not to be pushy, but we're still caring about the spiders here. Let's not forget the spiders." says Willow, as they walk into the library.

"Well, Giles said he was gonna look it up." Buffy tells her "Giles?" asks the empty library.

"Maybe he's in the faculty room." says Willow.

Giles comes out of the stacks and looks around bewildered.

"Hey, Giles! Wakey, wakey!" Buffy says insultingly.

"I was, uh, in the stacks. I got lost." says a bewildered Giles.

"Did you find any theories on spiders coming out of books?" asks Xander.

He reaches around Willow's shoulder with his arm while wiggling his fingers.

"Big, hairy, crawly..." says Xander in a creepy crawly voice.

"...And now I'm bored. Let's find another subject and move on. They were just spiders after all." says Stewie.

Willow is startled. She twists around and hits Xander. He flies across the library.

"It's funny if you're me." he says when he gets up.

"Try and get some tonight." she tells him with a malicious smile.

"...You wouldn't... You temptress." he says. 'Oh well, I guess, It's just going to be me and the All-Stars.' he thinks.

*You have such a filthy mind... Ooh that looks particularly interesting. Write that one down. I might want to get that idea developed for the Internet porn company I'm thinking about starting up.* says Stewie.

*Gaaahhhhh! Get out! Get out! Get out!* Xander shouts mentally.

"That's it! From now on knock before you invade like Germany through France!" Xander demands.

"Oh very well. At least those history lesson are starting to pay off. I'm not sure I want to be surprised like that again. But I'll only knock three times like the song says. If you haven't cleaned up the old attic... Tough tity." Stewie tells him.

'...Better than nothing. I wonder what part he meant?' Xander thinks, as he goes back to the escapades.

"I couldn't find anything, uh... particularly illuminating. Um, I think perhaps you'd best have a chat with Wendell
himself." says Giles giving them their marching orders.

"Okay. If he can still talk." says Buffy.

She gives Giles an odd look. They start out of the library. Giles looks back into the stacks, still confused.

"Move along then. I'll keep an eye on the confused librarian." says Stewie.

"I'm not confused..." says a confused Giles.

"Yes. You keep telling yourself that." says Stewie.


Sunnydale High School, Outside.





Wendell is sitting on a bench outside. Team Buffy approaches him.

"Hey, Wendell. How are you?" says Buffy.

"Huh?" says Wendell as he looks up.

"You okay?" asks Buffy.

"Good talking to ya, man." says Xander.

He pats Wendell on the back and starts to leave, but Buffy pulls him back.

"Do you guys want something?" asks Wendell.

"We just thought you might wanna talk about what happened." says Buffy.

"You know, yesterday? With the spiders?" adds Willow trying to be helpful.

"I don't know what to say about that. although I sure am grateful that your brother Stewie was there to help me out like that. he sure is a 'Great Guy'. Loves his privacy, but I can understand that." says Wendell.

"There's nothing 'to' say. You saw two hundred insects, you Gonzoed, anybody would have." Xander says sympathetically.

"They're not insects. They're arachnids." explains Wendell.

"They're from the Middle East?" says Xander trying to lighten the mood.

"Spiders are arachnids. They have eight legs. Insects only have six. Why does everyone make that mistake?" says Wendell trying to educate the Team.

"Don't know. Has anything like this ever happened before?" asks Buffy.

Wendell nods his head 'yes'.

"When?" she asks again.

"Lots of times." he says.

"Ew! You must hate spiders more than I do." says Willow.

"I don't hate spiders. I love 'em. They hate me." Wendell says with a laugh.

Cordelia walks by behind Wendell and turns to Buffy. "I hope you studied for the history test." says Cordelia.

"What history test?" Buffy asks.

"The one we're having in fourth period right now." Cordelia tells her.

"There's a history test? Nobody told me there was a history test! I haven't... I... Okay, I will catch up with you guys later." says Buffy as she runs off.

"What do you mean, you love spiders?" Willow asks Wendell.

"It is platonic, right?" says Xander with a chuckle.

"I had the best collection in the tri-county area. Browns and tarantulas and black widows... Then my folks shipped me off to wilderness camp. All my brother had to do was maintain their habitats. Instead he left their heat lamp on for a week. When I came home they were all dead. That's when the nightmares started." Wendell explains.

"The nightmares?" asks Willow.

"It's always the same. I'm sitting in the classroom, teacher asks me to read something, I open up my book and then there they are. They're comin' after me. God, can you blame them after what I did?" says Wendell.

"And that's how it happens? Every time?" asks Xander.

"Yesterday in class I thought I'd just nodded off again. But then everyone else started screaming, too." he says.



Sunnydale High School, Hall.







Buffy is looking for her history class. Cordelia is waiting by the door, holding it open.

"You don't know where class is, do you?" asks Cordelia with an evil smirk.

"Uh..." Buffy tries to say something, but she was shooting blanks.

"Hardly a shocker. You've cut history just about every time we've had it." Cordelia tells the clueless (faux) blonde.

"Well, I was there the first day. I think." says Buffy.

"It's in here." says Cordelia.

"I haven't been to class, I haven't read any of the assignments, how am I gonna pass this test?" says Buffy.

"Blind luck?" says Cordelia with a dazzling smile, trying to help.


Sunnydale High School, Classroom.





Buffy is sitting and looking around at the other students. The teacher walks by. She looks over at Cordelia, who apparently isn't having any problems with the test. Cordelia turns the page, looks back at Buffy and goes back to taking the test. The teacher comes by again and stops to glance at Buffy's work. He continues, apparently satisfied. Buffy flips through the short answer test. All the pages are still blank. She glances up at the clock. 11:20. She looks at the space for her name.

"Well, at least I know my name." she says.

She starts to write, but her pencil breaks. She lets out an exasperated breath. She grabs her sharpener and sharpens her pencil. She looks back up at the clock, and it's now 12:10 already. She stares at it in disbelief. She looks around at everyone. The teacher is watching her intently and tapping his pencil. She looks back down at her test and the bell rings. All around her the students get up and begin turning their tests in as she just sits and watches.

the young boy appears at the door and looks in. Buffy sees him there with a sad look on his face. He walks off down the hall. The classroom is empty now, and Buffy is sitting at her desk alone. 'I should have studied more with Willow.' she thinks.



Sunnydale, SRL Building.





A long sleek black limo drives up to the front doors of the SRL (Summers Research Labratories.) Building. It stops at the front doors. A red carpet rolls, and stops under the limo.

The driver gets out first and walks to the rear passenger side door. He opens the door and gets out of the way.

Bill Eisner gets out of the limo.

Harmony and Aura approach the head man at Disney and lead him inside, to Stewie's office.

It's a short walk from the loby to the elevators leading to the newly built top floor. Stewie had this floor built specifically for corporate visitor like Bill Eisner.

The Girls walk on either side of Bill, while his staff follow behind.

"Joy could you tell Stewie that Mister Eisner's here please." Harmonry asks Stewie's receptionist.

"He's already on his way out Harmony." Tells her.

Stewie's doors open and he drives out in a hovering vehicle. He jumps out and walks to Bill Esiner.

"Hello Mister Eisner. Welcome to Summers Research Labratories. Can I call you Bill?..."

"Um..." says Bill Eisner.

"Excellent. Bill it is!" says Stewie not giving the man the time to reply. He then takes him on a fast whirlwind tour that's worth of the newer attarctions at Disney.

The last place they came to, was the assembly plant. The plant was going full steam. Everything was automated. Not a single human was on the floor.

Bill was impressed. This was at least two generation ahead of the best that Japan had to offer. This was also, built here in the U.S. of A. just a few hours from where Disney first started.

"You have an impressive operation stewie. I'm glad that Disney made the decsion to go with S. R. L. for the future. You may have overdid the hard sell, but your products, and inventions speak for themselves." Bill tells the little genius.

"Thank you Bill. I don't know what to say." Stewie says faking a hitch in his voice.

"You don't have to say anything. Let your work speak for you." Bill advises Disney's new industrial supplier of Robotics, for Disney Inc. world wide.

"You won't regret this decision." Stewie promises. For thim this deal was more lucrative than if he sold his creations to the military. They would have put his robots through years of testing. This way Disney would start using the state of the art Robot a couple of generation ahead of everyone. And when the military came calling, he would have a proven field tested product to sell.

You have made great strides in the fields of Artificial Intelligence and Robotics. I can't wait to see what you come up with next. Just remember, give us the first shot, at anything you come up with. By the way. What kind of hover vehicle are you using? I've never been on anything that small and quiet." Bill asks.

"Bill can you keep a secret?" says Stewie whispering to the Head of Disney.

"Um... sure?" says Bill wondering at the big deal.

"Anti gravity drive. But the power it uses is horrendus. I wouldn't be able to make this puppy move anywhere else. You wouldn't believe the power supply needed to get this thing to work." Stewie tells.

"What? You're no pulling my leg are you?" Bill asks.

"Honest. Are you interested in this little side project I'm working on then?" he asks.

"If this is on the level, then yes I would indeed. Disney wouldn't mind getting in on the ground floor of something like this. You haven't shown this to anyone yet. Have you?" Bill asks Stewie.

"You're the first person outside of my private staff to know. And they think it's just a hover vehicle. I have a better scale model at home. Would you like to come to my lab to see it? Stewie asks.

"Yes I would." Bill replies.

"Excellent. Let's brake for lunch then. I'll have my girls bring you over to the house this evening then." says Stewie.

"I'll be there." Bill promises.

"Harmony. Please have the staff make Bill comfortable. Show him every courtesy. If you know what I mean. And bring him over at six, make sure to get there while we still have some daylight." he instructs his persnal slave slash assistant.

To be continued.
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