Stewie can do better.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Family Guy belongs to some other Guy. Seth MacFarlane and Fox Broadcasting Company. BTVS belongs to Joss Whedon.
To Boldly Go...
In the Griffin family living room a young boy sits and watches a Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVD. He grows annoyed by the second.
"What the hell is this crap? I can do better in my sleep." he says in disgust. "You Author! Yes you! What the hell are you doing producing crap like this?" he asks in an angry and disgusted voice.
"What's the matter little boy? Isn't that a little bit too much for someone your age?" asks the voice of someone impersonating Joss Whedon.
"Why you incompetent, no talent hack. How dare you?" he asks.
"How dare I what?" replies the voice impersonator of Joss Whedon.
"How dare you put that crap on Television and call it a show?" he asks.
"Oh. And you think you could do better?" asks the voice impersonator of Joss Whedon.
"I couldn't do any worse. In fact I bet I could do better in my sleep." says Stewie.
"Oh yeah?" asks the voice impersonator of Joss Whedon.
"Yeah!" yells Stewie.
"Then you are on. Let's see you do better. In your sleep." says the voice impersonator of Joss Whedon with an evil laugh.
"What the devil is going on?" demands Stewie as he wakes up in a strange bed.
"Where is that woman? She changed my bedroom when I was sleeping." he says getting out of bed and leaving his room.
In the upstairs hallway he bumps into a young girl his size. "Hey watch it you dumb ass." says the girl.
"Dawn Marie! Stop calling your twin brother names. Apologize right now young lady." demands Joyce Summers.
"Sorry Stewie." she says. "You dumb ass." she whispers as she slips into the bathroom.
"What? You Bitch. Come back here." he demands.
"Stewie! Do I need to wash out your potty mouth again with soap?" asks Joyce.
Stewie looks at the pretty woman. 'Well she's certainly an improvement over Lois. I think I'll keep her for a while.' thinks the sinister little child.
"No. Sorry. Won't happen again." says Stewie in his little boy voice.
"Stewie honey stop trying to charm me. I already love you dear. Just stop fighting with you sister so much would you do that for me. Please?" asks Joyce.
"For you anything." says stewie smitten with the pretty woman.
"Move! Move! Come on short stuff we're going to be late. How come your not dressed already?" Buffy asks her little genius pain in the you know where.
"He was fighting with Dawn." says Joyce.
"Again. I'm glad I don't have a twin. Come on you've got ten minutes or I'm going without you. And remember, you promised Willow and Xander that you'd help them at the library this morning." says Buffy.
"Oh, Ooh. Yes the research project about the barbecue fork incidents. Yes well one moment this won't take long." he says as he walks right into the bathroom.
Dawn shrieks at the male intruder. "Get out of here you perv." she yells.
"Oh shut up you boy impersonator." he says as he starts to wash up.
Stewie Screams Some More.
"So what was that all about this morning? I thought you and Dawn had decided to put your war on hold until we were settled in." Buffy asks her little brother. She liked the little guy. He kept Dawn out of her hair most of the time. Plus he helped her with her homework.
"She was extra obnoxious this morning. She had to be put in her place." he says.
"You know what this means don't you?" she asks.
"What pray tell does it mean?" he asks.
"God you sound just like Giles sometimes. You know it freaks me out when you do that." she says. "Come on. We're going to be late." she says as she takes his hand and drags him behind her at a run.
"Stoooopp. Youuuu. Crazyyyy. Slayerrrrrr." he shouts as he's dragged behind her like a kite in the wind.
Sunnydale High School Library.
"Hey Stewie." greets Xander.
"Hi." says Willow with a small waive.
"So you all set for today?" asks Xander.
"Why? What's so special about today?" asks Stewie.
"Come on Stewie. It's Zoo day. You've got to be excited about that?" says Xander.
"Well you certainly are excited enough for the two of us." says Stewie.
"Man it's the Zoo. It's the outdoors. It's away from school. What's not to be excited about?" asks an excited Xander.
"Stewie it'll be great. We'll learn all about the animals at the zoo. You know Sunnydale has a one of the best Zoos in the State." says Willow.
Giles walks in from his office with a pile of books. "A little help?" he requests.
Everyone looks at Stewie.
"Ha ha ha. Very funny. Help the overburdened man you stupid hormone driven teens." commands Stewie.
"Sir. Yes sir." says Xander with a sloppy salute. and goes on to help Giles with the falling books.
Buffy catches the ones in the air before they hit the floor. "What's this. moving them out of you closet to make room for the Fall Winter collection. Let me guess? Will it be tweed?" she asks.
"Very funny. I am laughing so hard on the inside that I can hardly contain myself." he says in his calm librarian manner.
"I can't tell the difference. Can you?' she asks the other scoobs.
"Nope. Not me." says Willow.
"I think I see a slight smirk." says Xander.
"That's it all of get out." he demands.
"You're throwing us out of the library?' asks Willow in a panic. This was her favorite place in the whole world. How can he throws her out like that.
"Let's go Will. I think I see smoke coming out." says Buffy as she drags the redhead behind her.
"I definitely smell something.' says Xander as he runs out of the library. After all if Buffy wasn't going to be there. There was no reason for him to be there.
"What about you?" asks Giles in his Ripper menace filled voice.
"Oh please. You're a librarian." says Stewie as saunters out of the Library. 'Why do I suddenly feel a chill down my back?' he thinks as the door to the library closes behind him.
Stewie was bored. It was just animals and stuff. If he wanted to get this close to nature he would rent the tape.
"I'm feeling that you're not in the field trip spirit here." says Xander.
"Well, it would... It's nothing, I... We do the same zoo trip at my old school every year. Same old, same old." says Buffy.
"Says you. I always missed it." says Stewie.
"Yes. You did. You missed every single trip. How did you pull that off? Spill!" she commands.
"Like I'll tell you." scoffs Stewie.
"Guys, this isn't just about the animals. This is about not being in class!" says Xander.
"You know, you're right! Suddenly the animals look shiny and new." says Buffy brightly.
"Oh no you don't. I know you're not that dumb. Stop pretending. I will not have it. Do you understand? Think of how that projects on me." says Stewie.
"It's all about perspective man." says Xander.
"Exactly." says Stewie, as he walks away. He doesn't notice as he passes underneath the tape blocking the way to the Hyena habitat.
After exploring the habitat for the a few minutes he hears noises.
Kyle and friends tear through the tape blocking the way in and look around. Stewie stays hidden in the shadows. He always wanted to observe how human hyenas operated. And here they were. It was truly pathetic to see.
That's when Xander comes in, pulls their arms off of Lance and helps him away.
"Oh look it's the three stooges and friend." says Stewie as he challenges the obnoxious teens.
"What, are you gonna get in my face?" he says to the mismatched duo.
"Not if you don't value you knees and things within easy reach." threatens Stewie.
The hyenas growl. Xander, Stewie, Kyle and the others look at them. The hyena's eyes flash green, and then two of the kid's eyes do. The hyena's eyes flash green again, and two more kid's eyes do.
Lance makes an anxious move to get away, but trips on a chair and falls. His notebook skids across the floor to the far wall.
Kyle and the others turn and laugh when they see him. Lance gets up, retrieves his notebook and rushes out. Xander and Stewie turn around as well, and their eyes flash green.
*Hello. What's this? Where am I? Anyone here?* asks Stewie. He was in a featureless landscape. it seems vaguely familiar somehow. He hears a growl. He turns around and sees a hyena cub growling at him.
*Well well. aren't you the cutest thing. You remind me of Brian. I think I'll keep you. But we really should give you a name. How about...Ewww. You peed on me. That's it. Your name is Mr. Leaks. Now how to get out of here. Oh yes just snap your fingers and your out. That's what the man says anyway.* Stewie snaps his fingers and the next thing he knows is he's face to face with his sister. The rest of the pack continues to walk away.
"Well, what have you been up to?' asks Buffy.
"Not much. Just saw Xander stop that friendly group of students from doing something they consider fun. I wonder where they're going?" he asks.
"Beats me." says Buffy.
"If you insist." says Stewie as he hits her on her shoulder.
"Hey. Not so hard. When did you get all slayer like?" she asks.
"I'm not sure. I shall have to examine this development further. Come on. It's getting boring." he says as they leave.
The Next Day.
Buffy trains with Giles while Stewie is doing his own Kata. Buffy becomes a little over energetic with Giles.
"Right! That's enough training for one day." says Giles before he gets clobbered.
"Ooh looks like you ate all your Weetabix this mornig." says Stewie.
"That's because you ate all the bacon in the house." says an angry Buffy.
"Too bad. So sad. If you decide on sleeping late like that every morning. Expect nothing less. Ha! Victory shall be mine!" he declares.
"You seem quite energetic yourself as well this morning." observes Giles.
"Yes well ever since I picked up my new puppy. I've been feeling quite chipper. Full of Vim and Vinegar as it were." says Stewie.
"Well then. Since you both seem to have so much energy this morning, why don't you run out to class." he says while he ctaches his breath.
"See you later old man." says Stewie on hi way out.
"Later." adds Buffy.
"Look out! It's gotten loose!" shouts Mr. Flutie.
Buffy reacts quickly to catch the small piglet but Stewie beats her to the punch.
"Lordy, Herbert! Gave Mr. Flutie quite a scare, didn't he? Students, I'd like you all to met Herbert, our new mascot for the Sunnydale High Razorbacks!" announces Mr. Flutie as he takes the clearly agitated pig.
"He's so cute." says Buffy.
"He's not cute. No! He's a fierce Razorback!" defends Mr. Flutie.
"He doesn't look mean. If anything he looks scarred." she observes.
"He looks like he would make a fine meal" says Stewie licking his chops.
"He's mean, he's ready for action! Stewie stop looking at Herbert like he's a pork chop." he scolds.
"But he would make such a fine pork chop." says the salivating boy.
"Ewwww. Bad Stewie. Stop that. That's digusting." says Buffy.
"Oh really. And who was it that stole that extra chop of my plate while I wasn't looking? Don't think I'm going to forget about that any time soon." he threatens.
"Yeah, yeah. Let's go and stop disturbing the nice Principle and the terrified piglet." says Buffy as she drags her little brother behind her.
"Alright, it's raining, all regular gym classes have been postponed, so you know what that means?" says the coach as he holds up a large rubber ball. "Dodgeball! Now, for those of you that may have forgotten, the rules are as follows: you dodge."
As Coach Harrold watches he smiles "God, this game is brutal. I love it!" he says as he looks at the carnage in front of him.
At the end of the game Stewie walks away alone as the winner.
"Man if that kid gets some height on him he would be a killer." says the coach.
"Mom! Stewie is being mean to me." whined Dawn.
"Am not. She's such a whiner." accuses Stewie.
"Stewie! Dawn! Enough!" growls the alpha female of the this family.
"Yes mother." says Stewie.
"Eep." eeps Dawn.
"You two will call this silliness off! or else..." she threatens.
"No. Mommy I'll be good." says Dawn.
"I'll try?" says Stewie.
"No!" she growls in his face. "There is no try."
"Eep. Yes Mother." he says.
"Eat." she says pleasantly with a hint of steel in her voice.
She smiles 'Ah peace at last.' she thinks as she picks up her fork and looks at Dawn. She then picks up her knife and looks at Stewie.
The two children eat as silently as they could. They so didn't want to piss off mother.
The Next Day At School.
"So you don't remember anything at all?" asks Buffy.
"Not a thing." says Xander.
Stewie could smell the lie. He let the teen off. He'll corner him later.
"So what did you last night. Mother got upset and grounded Dawn and I for some reason." he says.
"Oh not much. We just found out that Xander, Kyle and his jerk friends were possed by Hyena Primal spirits at the zoo. We had to do an excerism and everything. It was all that creepy Zookeeper's fault." says Willow in one breath.
"Hmm. I was at that Hyena habitat with them, I wonder why I didn't get possesed as well." he says as he goes to class.
"What did he say? Giles. We have to fix Stewie." Buffy says to her Watcher.
"Why? Is he broken?" asks the amused Watcher.
"Not funny. I just heard that he was with Xander and the others at the Hyena habitat. We have to fix him." she pleads.
"Buffy think for a moment. In the last couple of days, has Stewie's behaviour changed at all?" he asks.
"No." she says hesitantly.
"Then there you have it. Now run along I have much too do, and you've got a class. I'll see you after school." says Giles.