Chapter 4

A/N: This chapter almost didn't make it. So give Caliadragon a big thanks for looking it over, b/c I didn't want to post it. Now, the chapter is still iffy in my mind but I guess I'm my worst critic. Hope you enjoy.





There was no particular routine to Xander’s life lately. He would wake, bathe then attempt to eat. The food would stay like lead in his stomach and sometimes would come back up in tiny unrecognizable chunks. The hours sped quickly and nothing was memorable until Lucifer manifested. Then Xander’s day would brighten. There was always the sting at the sight of his dead friend’s face but lately that sharp pain had diminished greatly. Now he almost welcomed the sight.

Of course, Xander would sometimes lose himself in the lie. Laughing and joking with a being that was older than dirt; if the face of his friend, the easy smile and the gentle eyes, managed to deceive him, the lack of humor definitely brought reality back. The look of utter incomprehension, when Xander would say quip a joke that real Jesse would have found utterly hilarious, always brought the fact that his friend was dead straight home.

Today was one of those rare occurrences where Xander was alone and he breathed a bit easier at the thought, not knowing exactly why but nevertheless enjoying the reprieve. There was a great weight off of his shoulder and though the despair still choked him, he felt lighter. The thought that the angel was the reason for the heavy weight he’d come to associate as guilt manifested, demanding to be considered. But no matter how insistent, it floated away.

It was difficult to believe that the hands that patted his back when he woke from a nightmare, that wiped his brow when he vomited, the one whose soothing words gave him hope, would do anything to hurt him. Xander knew that the attention was merely because his body was needed but he couldn’t fathom how Lucifer would hope to gain anything from his misery.

A fluttering sound jolted him out of his thoughts. Briefly he considered birds, but dismissed it immediately. There were no weaknesses in the house that would allow them in. He’d taken every precaution before he’d moved into this house. Preparing every crack, every hole from intruders; from insects to rodents, from slayers to demons, the house was fortified to prevent their intrusion. The sound multiplied and Xander tensed, alert eyes roving keenly over everything.

Two men appeared out of thin but Xander didn’t startle, merely waited. There was no overt evil coming from them but he could sense something otherworldly, something that categorized them as supernatural. Intentions were always what defined interactions and Xander waited to see where theirs lay. Of course, coming into his house without an invitation was already a strike against them.

They were average looking, dark hair, medium build both wearing black suits, but the eyes set them apart. The glinting orbs seemed ancient, filled with intensity, as if they were looking directly through your soul. Xander shivered at the thought and frowned as he saw the outline of hovering black wings over their shoulders. They flickered in an out of existence.

“Who are you?” He asked curiously.

The men smiled. There was nothing threatening about the act but it automatically set Xander on edge. The vague sense that there was something big going on and he was out of the loop crept in.

“We are angels.” One replied, hazel eyes glinting with amusement.

At Xander’s confused nod, he continued. “My name is Luther and this is Jorel, we are here to prevent you from agreeing with Lucifer.”

Xander nodded slowly and Jorel added, voice echoing in the silent room. “When you were first approached by Lucifer we’d expected a swift ‘no’ but you’ve been considering it. Why?”

Xander shrugged not really having anything to say in his defense. “I guess it’s just been nice having someone around. I don’t know what to tell you.”

Luther nodded trying and failing to portray sympathy. “We understand that the loss of your friends has been difficult, but you should be aware that there is no option, you have no recourse in this situation. It really is best that you consider removing yourself from this, since it does not concern you.”

The voice was even but couldn't be mistaken for anything but the order that it implied and Xander frowned.

It didn’t escape his notice that something big was going on. He’d already suspected that Lucifer’s offer on becoming his vessel must be the catalyst of a big evil plan. Xander knew keenly that nothing good would come from such a partnership, therefore no matter how tempted he was, he wouldn’t, couldn’t say yes. But in times of weakness, times when the despair became unbearable, in those dark moments he was sorely tempted to throw caution to the winds and just give in.

Xander considered his words slowly trying to figure out a way to explain the unexplainable. No matter how he looked at it, it was the same thing. Xander wouldn’t have never considered this before, much less even acknowledge the offer. His modus operandi would be to take arms and fight the evil, doing anything and everything stop it, but now, now he was lingering, reluctant to utter the word ‘no’ no matter how disastrous a ‘yes’ would be.

At the expectant faces in front of him, Xander merely shrugged, “I don’t think there’s any reason for alarm it’s not as if I decided anything.”

Jorel snorted, “Associating with what is ultimately the source of what you’ve spent years fighting, is the least of what we expected from a hunter, but it’s expected of one of you ilk.”

Taking a sharp breath, Xander stopped himself from reacting at the insult. There were things that always chaffed at him and being considered useless was it.

“Look, I’m not hunting anymore,” Xander responded voice low but straining with tension. “And this whole thing is a non-issue, nothing to worry about. It’s not like he can even make me say yes.”

Luther shook his head. “Lucifer lingering here is not a preferred option, we can help you rid of him, it’s fairly easy of a banishment while he doesn’t have a vessel. The incantation is slightly altered but works fairly well, it won’t make him disappear but it will keep him from communicating with you this directly.”

Xander didn’t like that idea. Knowing that someone is evil and actually believing it were apparently different things to him because the thought of making Lucifer go away left him raw. Another lost, gone or taken away from him and he couldn’t bear it.

Shaking his head, Xander answered. “There’s no need, I don’t need you to banish anything. I’m fine, we’re fine.”

“He is the source of all evil,” Jorel said, voice mere decibels from a scream.

“I thought that was the First,” Xander quipped lightly. At the unamused faces, he sighed. “Seriously it’s not an issue. I don’t think there’s really a chance for me to say yes.”

Jorel scowled darkly and Luther frowned and said, “You are mistaken. You are being influenced, your emotions toyed with. Lucifer is a master at his craft and one of his highest skill is to sow dissension and he will tear your soul apart until you give in.”

That answer was a warning but Xander ignored it. When he pictured Lucifer, he saw Jesse’s face looking at him, eyes glinting with sympathy. But when he considered forcing him away, he saw his best friend’s body dissolving into ashes. Xander shook his head and watched nervously as the angel’s face darkened.

“Outside of these walls things have become very dire, as we are on the cusp of an apocalypse,” Luther said warningly. “We beg you to reconsider your position.”

“We are not to beg him.” Jorel said sneering. “Do not supplicate yourself before the fool, he will say ‘no’ because we demand it. Those little meat packets think themselves in a position of command and you do not need to encourage their delusions.”

Xander glared. “Don’t even try that high and mighty thing with me. I didn’t take it from the Powers and I sure as hell don’t have to take it from you.”

“We are a higher authority than those of the ‘Powers that be’ and as a hunter you do the work therefore must heed our word.”

Xander rolled his eyes at the huffy angel. “PTB, angels, devils, same thing, there’s nothing that says I have to do anything that you tell me.”

Luther frowned. “I understand that you are grieving but you are not destined for this choice. While the interest that Lucifer has shown you is very unusual you must not let it confuse you, this is not a choice that you should ever have been given.”

Jorel sneered. “Say no and stop wasting our time. You are not fit to walk this path.”

Xander laughed and laughed. The chortles of amusement were tinged with hysteria and tears fell from his eyes.

“Are you serious?” Xander asked. At their looks of complete incomprehension, he continued. “You came here to tell me that I have to do whatever you want and that reason is because I’m not good enough for the devil.”

Luther shook his head. “No. That isn’t it. The fact of the matter is that each and every human has a destined path and this isn’t yours.”

Xander froze at that. “Are you seriously trying to sell me on the idea of destiny? Really?”

Luther nodded. “You may not choose to believe it but God designs the path that each one takes and though their choices are theirs, ultimately they meet the end designed for them.”

Xander’s eyes darkened with pain and with a sudden wisdom spoke solemnly. “There’s no such thing as destiny. It’s just a life that people cobble up and try their best to live happily but always ends in despair. There’s no great design, it’s just a bunch colors splashed haphazardly on a canvas cobbling unsuccessfully through a mediocre painting.”

Luther’s wings fluttered into existence briefly as he replied, voice tightly controlled. “There is a design. God is the one who decides ones destiny, ones path. All under his dominion are predestined for a path, they may deviate from it through free will but they always come back and toe the line. You have your own path and that isn’t this one. Your friends lived theirs and you must live yours.”

“So, my friends died for what?” Xander asked. “Was it their destiny to die like that?” Luther made to interrupt but Xander didn’t allow it. “Did they decide to save the world too much? Was that it?” He shook his head, “Don’t talk destiny to me because it sure isn’t endearing me to your cause.”

Luther sighed. “I understand you may be feeling a bit bitter.”

“Bitter?”Xander asked sarcastically. “Bitter is not enough to explain what I feel right now and having you come here and preach to me, sure as heck won’t make me bend over to your will.”

Luther, who up till then had been trying to be sympathetic, blatantly glared obviously at the end of his rope with the uncooperative human. “This isn’t the time for personal biases. There is a war going on out there and your presence is a hindrance.”

Jorel grunted angrily. “Stop it.” He focused on Xander and his eyes reflected the same impossible age that Lucifer’s expressed. “The fact of the matter is that things like this have a plan, a pattern that you are mucking with. The vessels for each party have been predetermined and you didn’t even make the short list; stop making yourself up as someone important while you’re not. Lucifer must have a reason for toying with you and while we would normally not interrupt his manipulations, we must. You represent an unconsidered factor into this equation. This war has been brewing for too long for one such as you to interfere with it.”

They straightened and the fluttering sound returned. Jorel continued sneering. “We’re through wasting our time with you. There is no way you would make an adequate choice for either side and whatever distraction you’re providing our enemy should only serve to give us an advantage.”

With those cold words the angels disappeared leaving no sign that they’d been there, except for the anger burning within Xander’s soul. The whole time he’d contemplated Lucifer’s offer, he’d never failed to consider the thought of what would happen should he say 'yes'.

The things that he’d imagined served to make him hesitate and hesitate no matter how much he desired it. But not once did he think one of the reasons to say 'no', would be because he isn’t good enough. What kind of irony is that? Xander wasn’t considered an appropriate body for the devil, that shouldn’t bother him but it did.

Time after time, during his long bout against the supernatural, all the sacrifices he’s made in the good fight, he was still considered less than nothing, pushed the side because he wasn’t special enough. Wasn’t it just funny that they deemed him inadequate for even the side of evil?

Xander felt the familiar despair creep up. The cold feeling seeping through his veins insidious and painful and his mind clouded and grief enveloped him. The fiery anger that was sparked while he conversed with the angels threatened to flicker out but he fought for it, valiantly fanning it to life. He had liked the feeling, the anger, the sense of being alive for a moment, and he didn’t want to lose it. The spark of life was weak but still ignited and Xander watched happily as Lucifer took form.

Jesse’s face expressed Lucifer’s worry. “What happened? I felt them break in but couldn’t come through.”

Xander shrugged becoming almost ambivalent about the whole thing and he watched curiously as a relieved look spread across the boyish face and a small niggling suspicion started to creep in. There was the obvious correlation, every time he was around the demon, his emotions sky-rocketed for the worse.

As he began contemplating that thought, Xander felt a wave of something dark that staggered him, so strong that it blanked his mind, wiping all thoughts. It pushed the small suspicions into the abyss of the darkness that grew within him, Xander felt overwhelmed, broken. He thirsted for relief.

Lucifer sighed inwardly, relieved when Xander's face crumbled under the weight of his despair. That was a risk, allowing the angels to talk with the boy without interruption. Lucifer had wanted information, to see if his suspicions were right and he was correct. The other angels weren’t interested in opposing him just now; they thirsted for a war just as he did.

The angel watched indifferent as Xander buckled under the pain. He’d feared that the onslaught would be too much but now he had no choice. He had to make Xander give in.

He approached the hunched figure and whispered softly. “I can make it all better, let me in. Say yes.”

Xander didn’t respond, voice choked up, too lost in the many horrors that demanded his attention. His soul cried out for mercy and then he felt it. The small shift, it was tiny but significant. He was tired. Too tired to continue enduring this pain, this all consuming, soul destroying pain; he decided right then that he no longer cared. Nothing mattered anymore, not even the world.