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A Slayer of Unfortunate Evils

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Summary: A young lady who has already had a remarkably eventful life wakes one morning with a whole new set of problems.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Literature > Childrens/Teen > Author: Lemony SnicketFaithsVoiceFR1347,9220132,4151 Oct 0914 Mar 10No

A New Notion

Dearest Reader: I must warn you that, by the time you read this, I will have likely disappeared. The estate of either Joss Whedon or Lemony Snicket and Daniel Handler will have found me, and, thinking I mean to steal their ideas and profit from them, will have taken me away. I implore you, seek them out and assure them, as I assure you now, that I had no such intentions.

Chapter 1: A New Notion

Violet Baudelaire was disconcerted- a word which here means, “worried about the new strength she was exhibiting, and the dreams which kept waking her”- dreams which had nothing to do with the horrific death of her parents by fire some three years previous, or the events since. She, along with her brother Klaus, who loved to read about everything, and sister Sunny, who was a promising cook, had gone through many adventures since losing their parents, but most of those concerned the wicked Count Olaf, and he had not shown up in any of her recent dreams, not even in one of his many disguises.

Violet stared at herself in the mirror. She had been strangely hungry since the dreams started, a fact she had passed off as excitement over Sunny's new recipes, but the nightmares kept waking her, and it was becoming intolerable- a word which here means, “giving her unladylike bags under her eyes.” It was time to tell her siblings, maybe see if Klaus had ever read anything about waking up one morning stronger than even Olaf's assistant, the one who looked like neither a man nor a woman. Violet certainly hoped she wouldn't get larger, until no one could tell if she was a girl or a boy.

She tied her hair back with her favorite thinking ribbon and headed downstairs. She could hear her family in the kitchen, and she marveled again at how acute her hearing had become. Klaus was trying to get baby Beatrice to eat, but she was too busy asking questions on every subject she could think of. Beatrice was already showing signs of being a great investigator, just like many of the members of both her biological and adopted families.

Sunny looked from her step-stool by the stove as Violet came in, and smiled at her. “Good morning, Violet. Would you like an omelet?”

*~*~* ~*~*~ *~*~*

Violet stared at her last bite of Mediterranean Omelet and tried to think how best to raise the topic. “Klaus? Have you ever read anything about creatures that look somewhat human, but with fangs and strange ridges on their foreheads?”

Klaus looked startled and concerned. “Were you attacked?”

Now Violet was confused. “No, I haven't. If I had been attacked, I would have told you that first, instead of asking questions. Why would you think these things would attack me?”

Klaus handed her an old, worn journal. “I received this in the mail about a month ago. I wasn't sure why, but if something had happened to you...”

Violet flipped through the book. It was filled with drawings. Some she recognized from her dreams, others were sure to give her new nightmares. She dragged her eyes away from it and back to her brother. “I... I have been having dreams. About these creatures. And there's more.” She got up and walked around behind Klaus, then lifted him, and his chair, up to the ceiling.

All of Violet's siblings gasped, but it was baby Beatrice who asked what they were all thinking. “What? How? When? How?”

Violet set Klaus and his chair back down, then sat herself down with a long-suffering sigh. “I don't know. It started a few weeks ago, at the same time as the dreams. I thought I could hide it, but no good comes of hiding things from family. Klaus, please, what's happening to me?” She fidgeted with her fork, but put it down again when she realized she was bending it out of shape.

Sunny looked upset. “A few weeks. Just when you started to eat twice as much. I thought you really liked the new recipes.” She had been experimenting with fusion cooking, a term which usually means “combining cuisine from two or more cultures to create new dishes”, though Sunny had also seen some suggestions for cooking with a nuclear reactor. She didn't want to give her family radiation poisoning, because they would become very ill, and lose all their hair, so she simply combined herbs in interesting new ways.

Violet reached out and touched her sister's hand. “Of course I do. They're delicious. I'm much hungrier these days, probably because of the increased strength, but everything I've said about the food has been true. I can taste better than ever now, and that just makes your food taste ever better.”

Klaus dived back into the journal. “Dreams, you say? And strength, and hunger...”

Baby Beatrice bounced a little in her baby chair. “How much stronger are you? Are the dreams scary? If you can taste better, can you see or hear better too? Are there really monsters with fangs?” Baby Beatrice of course believed in many things which would frighten the average person. She knew all the stories of strange fungi, menacing circus performers, giant reptiles, and evil Counts that had befallen her adopted family before she joined them, and even a few stories from the lives of her mother and uncle, stories I would like to tell you, Dear Reader, if ever the time is right to reveal those secrets. For now, let me simply assure you that baby Beatrice was far braver than any baby that you, gentle reader, might meet as you walk down the street.

Violet was used to the questions, and she answered as seriously as she could, knowing that children, or in this case toddlers, are people just as much as full-grown adults are, and that they deserve to be treated as people too. “I haven't tested my full strength yet. I hope Klaus will help me with that. The dreams are pretty scary, but I'm also learning a lot from them. Yes, all my senses are stronger. It's been a little odd to adjust to, but no odder than the rest of our lives. As for the monsters, I think Klaus might be able to answer that.” Usually, when one of his sisters (or his adopted daughter, but they treated her like a sister, so that's how he thought of her) said his name, Klaus would look at her, but right now he was completely absorbed in the journal. Violet tried again. “Klaus! What have you learned?”

Klaus jumped a little, and nearly dropped the old, worn book he was so fascinated by. “Violet! Yes, of course, I'll help. What?”

Violet bit her lip. What was happening to him? To all of them? “I was asking if there was anything useful in that book.”

Klaus blinked up at her a few times, then shook his head like a dog that has been in water, possibly trying without success to rescue its beloved master from a horrific death by drowning. In fact, Klaus did feel a little like he had been underwater. “It's actually very useful, now that I know what I'm looking for. None of it is pleasant, though. Apparently, vampires actually do exist. Those are most likely what you've been dreaming about. That's because you may be something called a Vampire Slayer, a girl with enhanced speed, strength, and senses, so she can kill the vampires before they overrun humanity.”

Gentle reader, if you are faint of heart, now would be a good time to stop reading. Sad and difficult as the Baudelaires' life had been to this point, it was about to get even worse. A whole new world of villains was opening before them, villains worse even than Count Olaf, with schemes even more nefarious and dark. I must of course continue to chronicle their lives, but you are free to close this story and go on to something else, with puppies frolicking in a field, or lovers singing to each other in the park. However, if you have the courage to continue, your heart may be lifted a little by the bravery of these four orphans.

Violet took a deep, calming breath, and nodded. “Well, then, I guess I'll have to learn how to fight vampires. Maybe I can invent a machine to help me practice.”

Baby Beatrice nodded. “I want to help. I can find out all the ways to kill them, and where they are, and...”

Sunny reached out and patted Beatrice on the shoulder. “We'll all help. I can find the healthiest foods for you, and cook them so they're really delicious.”

Klaus closed the book decisively. “I'm sure there is a lot more information out there about vampires and some of these other things. I'm going to start doing research. You should find out how strong you really are, and how fast.” Violet nodded, and the four orphans went upstairs to the library to find out all they could about their new life.


I'm definitely going to continue this, I just wanted to get the first chapter in before the deadline. And, seriously, people: this crossover wasn't on the site yet?!? It's a perfect match!
All comments are appreciated!
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