Authors Note: We’re taking a break from other projects. We decided to try a lighter hearted comedic tale in this story since we’ve gotten pretty busy of late. Hope you enjoy.
The Merc with the Key
“Shut up, shut up, shut up!!!” Dawn yelled as she was being carried over the shoulder of her “hero”.
It wasn’t a day ago that she was heading to class at Ohio State, where she decided to study since it was close to Slayers Headquarters in Cleveland. And of course after her first class she decided to make a stop to a local eatery for lunch. She didn’t think she had to worry but she was obviously mistaken.
When she had finally awakened she seemed to be in some decked out warehouse, probably abandoned when the thought flashed through her mind again. She had once again become a hostage.
It must have been still daylight out because cracks light shone through the few broken windows centered high above. Those that weren’t covered, that is. Meanwhile most of the light came from multiple candles that were centered on an alter. A body seemed to lie beneath the blanket. She was once again tied up, hands and feet in some sort of thick rope.
Why was it always some warehouse, where do these guys find them, let alone how many are their abandoned in the first place… But currently on her mind…
“Oh geeze, can’t you guys find someone ELSE to kidnap? Try Xander, his schedules pretty free at the moment….” She groans out to no one in particular as a few blacked robed figures moved in upon her.
“Oooh scary…okay come on now knock it off. What do you need me for this time?”
The tallest one took off his hood, a demon species she was more then familiar with grinned demoniacally back at her.
“Ah the sacred key. It’s been a while girl.” It was one of the servants of that Hell-bitch Glory. A quick look of shock passed her features before she rolled her eyes.
“Come on, Glory’s dead, you guys should have just disbanded and besides, you know if anything happens to me you guys are dead.”
The demon just smiles.
“Oh that was true but tomorrow at midnight is the time, no the exact moment that you shall give life back to our Glorificus. When the correct galactic alignment occurs, your blood…”
The demon named Sneed sneered as he ripped away the sheet showing a decomposing corpse.
Her eyes widened a bit more before she asked “Who’s that?”
“No that’s Steve.”
“He was in the drawer next to Ben. You must have been in the wrong drawer.”
Sneed looking confused turned to Frederico and whispered into his ear. The demon gathered his robes and rushed out the door. A moment later he returned with wallet in his hand.
Dawn mouthed a dirty word as Sneed confirmed the identity of Ben.
“You know this has a chance that it won’t work then all this will be for nothing…”
“True but then we get to kill you for being involved in the murder of…”
The high priest stopped as another dark hooded figure walked into the room taking a place near the front.
“DREG! Your late you bumbling buffoon. What on her Splendiferousness took you so long?”
“Oh I had to make a run for the border…” the hooded figure said.
“You know, made a Taco Bell run. Needed some chimichangas.”
The other demons in the room exchanged glances underneath their hoods.
“Dreg are you…feeling okay?”
“No he’s feeling a bit messy right now…” A gleam of metal appeared for a second as a small trail of blood appears on a sword. The high priest Sneed suddenly falls apart cut clean through down the middle.
“And I say your feeling a bit…divided. Ha! Get it? Divided because you’ve been cut in half.”
Pushing back his hood the man revealed a dark red mask with two blackened circles around his eye holes.
“Now then…who’s up for some fun with the Merc with the mouth?” Deadpool took a fighting stance as the demons and Dawn just looked at him.
“What is there something in my teeth…?” He turns around.
“Do these robes make my butt too big, be honest…”
One of the demons raises his hand the others just glare at him.
Recovering from the shock and pure, strangeness of the situation the first demon came at the hired mercenary only to stop as he found a gun against his forehead.
“Wow-weee, you guys sure look funny, did you all like, fall into some gamma reactor thingie, I mean scales aren’t really normal are they? Or maybe…” He takes the shot blowing the demon away.
“Scales are the new fashion, jeeze I must have missed the episode of the View when that happened; tell me are scabs acceptable? I have a whole lot of those.”
Swinging around to the next creature he uses his katana to cut the demon in half before aiming his gun at Dawn…
“Hey do I shoot you?”
“No, I’m the abductee.”
“OH yeah, you must be the damsel in distress, say you know your sorta…” As scaly claw rips through the front of Deadpool’s belly, the demon skewering Deadpool from behind ushering a shriek from Dawn.
“OH my god you’re…!” The demons smile and laugh, thinking they’ve ended the life of the would be hero. But Deadpool continues his sentence undisturbed.
“…Cute, have a boyfriend? And suddenly I think my hearts feeling a draft.” He turns his head around.
“Could you have hit me lower, my kidneys were feeling itchy?” He suddenly cuts off the demons hand, kicking the hooded monster back.
Grabbing the hand he offers it to Dawn.
“You finish that sentence and so help me I’ll find a way to kill you myself…” As she sees the hole in Deadpool’s chest is starting to slowly close up.
“Fine, fine…” He throws the hand into the face of a rushing demon catching him off guard before shooting one to the side. Ripping off the rest of the cloak he grabbed Dawn and started hauling it to the door.
“Ack, hey watch your hands…” She grunts as the merc’s hand seemed to wander about on her butt as he ran.
“Sorry they always seem to have a mind of their own, probably why I can never take them any where…might also explain that restraining order from the Olsen twins.”
Dawn just groaned…
“Don’t you EVER shut up…”
“Nope, uh-uh, never. Many have tried. Heck I was almost killed for just that… You know, always talking, blabbing, etc. etc.”
She groans. This was revenge wasn’t it? Buffy and Giles had enough saving her so they decided to send someone who could get under her skin as much as possible. If he was sent by them she realized. In all the commotion and the…pure stupidity of her savior she didn’t even know who he was or if he was on her side.
As Deadpool ran she realized now was not the time as the hooded demons seemed to have no problem chasing her into the open into…the streets of some large city? Possibly New York as she saw the Empire state building.
The red costumed mercenary continued running.
“To the Pool-mobile!” He pointed ahead to a taxi. At least he had a get away Dawn thought as he opened the front door.
“Follow that car!!! And step on it.” Deadpool Points to some car and closes the door just as the taxi speeds off leaving them standing there.
Dawn just opened her mouth. It took at least three more seconds as the merc continued running down the street before she could regain her composure.
“WHAT the HELL is wrong with you?! We could have used that cab to get away!!!” She screamed pounding his back.
“Yeah but I always wanted to do that. And boy, that was hilarious.”
She was just about at the end of her rope. She could deal with being captured, like it or not she had it happen enough she knew what to do in the situation but this…this was impossible.
“Are you freaking insane??!”
“Why yes, yes I am. Thank you for noticing; usually it takes people a little while longer to get that. But I think we have a new record. Ding, ding, ding…!!!” The merc ran down an alley with the demons quickly following.
And at that instant, she realized he probably wasn’t lying. He was insane, Buffy sent a crazy person to rescue her. A certifiable nut, a loony a….
“Oh what a beautiful morning…” Deadpool crooned as he raced on. Dawn just groaned, half wishing the damned demons would just kill the guy and retrieve her at this point.
“Look, I don’t know who the hell you are but couldn’t you like, lose them somehow, I don’t know find ANOTHER cab this time, and don’t send him away.”
“But where’s the fun in that…oh wait.” He just stops. The guys just stops, while they were being chased by a pack of killer demons.
“What the hell are you going to do…?”
“I forgot, I have my favorite teleporter gizmo gadget thingie with me.” Pressing a button on his belt they vanish just as the demons arrive on the scene.
24 Hours Ago
“AGAIN!” Buffy groaned. “In broad daylight. In a conspicuous place. Oh god, what does she do, wear shirts that say, kidnap victim with five plus years of experience and running. Who was it this time?”
Giles sighed, ruffling with his glasses.
“Well according to some dealings the current council has in the underworld…Glory’s followers feel that the next configuration of the planets coupled with her…special nature will bring back their master.”
“Will it…?” Buffy stops, trying to wrap around her head what a newly risen Glory would be capable of.
“Seriously…I have no idea. I’ve had people researching this since I even heard a rumor of it and no one could even find the smallest prophesy so I sincerely believe that this isn’t capable of happening.”
“Well that’s ONE thing off my mind but if they try it and it doesn’t work, Dawn’s probably as good as dead.”
“I know, I’ve already sent out slayers in our cities all over the world looking into demon hotspots in case she isn’t close. We also had to hire some more…unsavory help.”
“Mercs and assassins you mean, big g?” Faith walks in stretching.
“Yes Faith, mercenaries and assassins…”
“Is there any idea where they could have taken her?”
Giles shook his head.
“Nothing comes to mind although if I were them I’d wish to be in a place of power, and high up, so I can only think of major cities with tall sky scrapers to be possible places where she could have been taken, it’s so they could be closer to the sky to receive Glory’s sp…”
“Yeah, yeah, cut the details. So we should search the big cities he man in tweed?” Faith smirks twirling a knife around.
“I’ll head to Los Angeles to see if they could be there.”
“Sure that’s all you’ll be doing there B.” Faith smirks and Buffy rolls her eyes.
“I’ll head to New York, always wanted to visit that place anyways.” Faith continues.
“Fine, keep your cell phones at all time. Andrew and Xander are currently manning all channels of communication. If we get one word of her whereabouts we’ll let you know.”
“Five by five G-Man.” Faith smiles as she headed out the door.
Buffy shakes her head.
“Since Robin left she’s really had a lot of pent up…umm…emotions.”
Giles just looked at Buffy and sighed.
As Dawn and Deadpool arrived at a small dirty looking apartment that screamed bachelor pad to Dawn, he dropped her on the couch.
“Omph…” Dawn groans as Pool takes out a knife cutting her restraints. Catching her breath she can find a second to think.
“Okay now that we’re alone, who the hell are you and why the hell didn’t you just teleport me out the second you grabbed me??!”
Deadpool fell into a large pretty used recliner.
“Well babe, you’re Talking to Wade Wilson, Deadpool. One of the world’s top assassins!” he swings a gun around and promptly shoots him self in the foot eliciting another startled scream from her.
“Ack damn hair triggers. Thank god for special evil government programs implanting mutant healing abilities eh?”
Well that explains how he could be running after getting skewered by the demon. Still, this guy was way off his rocker.
“Hey, ain’t cha going to thank me fer saving ya toots?” He seemed to smile under his red mask.
“Thank you, THANK YOU???” She shook her head calming down.
“Look fine yeah, thanks for the save, but look, your crazy, a loon a…"
“A certifiable maniac, bonkers, yeah, yeah, heard it all before and it’s all true. Doesn’t mean I’m not good at my job though.”
She did have to give him that. He did handle himself amazingly in the fight, and almost seemed to be holding back somewhat.
“Fine thanks…Slade is it?”
Turning towards the monitor saying “No, no, no. That’s Deathstroke, he’s from DC, and I’m a Marvel character.”
Puzzled, Dawn asks “Who are you talking too?”
“Who? Ummm yeah sure…Okay look. Thank you for saving me but when will my sister get here, or was it the watchers council who asked you to save me.”
“Save you, who said I was paid to save you…” At that point Dawn feels a cold chill go up her spine.
Disclaimer: Taking place after season 7 of an alternate Buffyverse. Dawn and co are owned By Joss and Fox while Deadpool is owned by Marvel. DC also.