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Floppy, Hoppy Time Lords

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Summary: Anya has a business proposition for The Doctor. One shot. Formerly, "Spider-man Does It"

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Dr. Who/Torchwood > Other BtVS/Ats CharactersFaithLestrangeFR1312,041291,24016 Oct 0916 Oct 09Yes
Disclaimer: BtVS belongs to Joss Whedon, Doctor Who to Russell T. Davies...and I guess because I mention it, Spider-man belongs to Stan Lee.

"What?!?" The strange scrawny man shouted, for what felt like the hundredth time.

Anya sighed heavily, "Yes, you already said that."

"What?" He sputtered again and then reached for some device and buzzed it in her face, "How did you just appear in my TARDIS? Residual vortex energy... but human?" He scrunched his face, "No, but traces of..." He looked up at her in excitement, "Oh, brilliant! I've never met one of you, before!"

"You're a strange little man." Anya blinked, "Or well, kind of tall, actually...but still strange."

"But what's a vengeance demon doing on the TARDIS? Treaties strictly forbade interference with Time Lords. Curious. I didn't make any wish." He scrunched his nose and put on a pair of small glasses and looked at her more closely, "Did I? I was really craving a banana earlier, but--"

"Former vengeance demon." Anya corrected.

He nodded, "Right. Of course. You read as human, I'd nearly forgotten. How'd that happen? I didn't think you lot retired."

"It's complicated. It involved cheerleaders, hordes of vampires, an annoying British man. A boy." Anya replied with a dismissive wave of her hand.

"A boy?" He asked.

He was curious about the boy, but not the horde of vampires?

Or the cheerleaders? Didn't men find that sort of thing sexually appealing? Women in skimpy uniforms? Clearly he was a strange man. And coming from her, that was really saying something.

"Yes, a boy. A very nicely shaped one, too. Ex-fiance. With impressive stamina in bed. We had many nice orgasms together." Anya responded disinterestedly as she looked at their surroundings, "So, this is a TARDIS? Smaller in the inside than I'd imagined."

The man stared and Anya saw the beginnings of a blush, but then the rest of what she'd said caught up with him, "Smaller? Smaller! It's not small!"

"Are we feeling inadequate?" Anya looked down at his pants, "I've heard lots of things about a man's vehicle being a compensation for a small penis. Is it... small?"

He blushed even brighter, "No!"

"Well, come on then. Let's see it." Anya gestured to the man's pinstriped pants.

He jumped back from her when she started to reach for his pants, "Stop that!"

She pouted, "You're just like Xander. Being all self-conscious and stupid. If it is small, it's not like you can't do anything about it. A spell. Surgery." She eyed him. "For a Time Lord, you act awfully human."

Anya frowned suddenly. Xander. What had happened? Where was he? Was he alright? After the Hellmouth had collapsed with her in it, had he made it out? Had Andrew? Giles? Buffy? The others?

If Xander made it. That would be enough.

He sputtered, "Too human because I won't drop my pants?!? It's not as though Time Lords walked around exposing themselves in the Halls of Rassilon!"

"Oh? Maybe they should have. Would have made them better to get along with. Omega sure seemed to like to show his off, and I liked him." she frowned, "Although when I visited him in that anti-matter universe he was also quite insane..." then she added as an afterthought, "And it was quite big, if you were wondering. He had every right to brag."

He blinked, "You've seen Omega's--?" he shook his head to forget the thought,"--eh, nevermind. Uh, what did you say your name was?"

She smiled brightly, "Anya Jenkins. Proud American Capitalist, at your service."

His eyes widened, "Anya? As in...Anyanka? Patron saint of scorned women?"

"Yes. That would be me. Or was me. Whatever."

"The same Anyanka responsible for the 1905 Russian Revolution?" He looked to be caught between both disapproval and awe at the idea.

"Yeah. One of my better wishes, if I do say so myself. And I do." Then Anya's smiled shifted, "Although, I've sort of lost the taste for vengeance. I tried to take it up again, recently...but it just made me feel...dirty."

He nodded solemnly and Anya thought that he understood. Few people did.

And now she really wanted to see what his penis looked like. She wondered if it would interlock with her parts as well as Xander's had. Time Lords were close enough to human.

The man smiled brightly pulling her from her thoughts, "I'm The Doctor, by the way."

She grinned in return, "Oh, yes I've heard about you."

"Oh?" The Doctor looked very interested.

"You've left behind a lot of awfully angry women through the years. And that Jack Harkness fellow too, although he never wished you ill. Couldn't grant any of the other wishes though, ya know, cause of the agreement between the Time Lords & vengeance demons. But, some of your former companions were quite creative. Like that Tegan Jovanka. Yikes, she was sure pissed at you, mister, when you left her at that airport."

The Doctor looked abashed, "Well, I didn't mean..."

"Men never do, do they?" Anya scowled, "They just leave you, looking all stupid in your moderately expensive dresses! And then they say, 'Oh, I'm sorry! But I can't marry you because my dad is a violent alcoholic, and I'm incapable of following through on ideas that were my own to begin with!'"

The Doctor took a step back and did an admirable impression of a guppy.

It reminded her of Xander whenever she'd said something inappropriate. Which was often. She didn't want to remember him right now.

The Doctor changed the subject, much to Anya's relief. "Do you happen to know how you got here?"

"Hellmouth collapsed with me in it..."

"Ah." He said, like that explained everything. He saw her confusion and explained, "Residual traces of the vortex, likely from your time as a vengeance demon, combined with the collapsing dimensional portal. Must have caught the TARDIS's attention." he patted the machine, "You wouldn't have survived the dimensional decompression of the collapsing Hellmouth, and honestly, what would?"

Anya shrugged, "Bunnies."

He did a double-take, giving her a funny look, before continuing, "Anyway, she must have wanted to save you. Has a mind of her own sometimes."

"Well, tell her thank you. I like being not dead." She looked around at the TARDIS contemplatively, "I've always wondered, Doctor. You have a time machine. Have you ever considered the lucrative business opportunities of that? There are the obvious advantages you'd have in the stock markets, of course, or the lottery..."

"The Laws of Time strictly forbid..."

"--Oh, please! Like that ever stopped you before. I know your reputation." Anya scoffed, "And even if you did not want to use your knowledge to work the stock market, you could at least start a very successful travel agency! Very wealthy humans are just dieing to relieve themselves of their ghastly large sums of money in order to go into space in the 21st century alone--imagine the money you could make taking them anywhere in the galaxy, or in anywhere in time!" Anya's eyes glittered at the possibilities.

The Doctor just gaped, "The TARDIS is not a charter bus! I-I wouldn't...and I don't need money..."

She heard the words, but they didn't make any sense to her. How could someone not need money?

"Don't be absurd! Look at this place, Doctor! You've got dangly parts hanging off your TARDIS right there, and there," she pointed at the offending dangling machinery & wires, "and I hear a distinctive whine from the console that can't be very good. At first you could really stand to make a fairly substantial profit and then you could make this bucket of bolts into a real first class time-traveling cash cow and nearly triple that output!"

"This bucket of bolts saved your life!" The Doctor took immediate offense.

"I know, and I'm simply returning the favor!" Anya reasoned, "She could put her talent to good use, and then get repaid in kind. With nice new parts and a shiny new finish! I'm good with numbers, Doctor-- If you're not up for the money side of things, I would gladly come on as a business partner. We could split 50/50. I have a keen sense of market--"

"50/50? I should get more than half! This is my ship!" The Doctor shook his head, "Gah, no! Stop it! I'm pimping out my TARDIS!"

Anya pouted, "Don't you at least charge people for saving their lives? You've saved enough of them, I would think..."

"C-Charged people? For saving them?" The Doctor leaned against the TARDIS for support.

"Spider-man does it." Anya shrugged.

"What?!?" The Doctor pulled a face, "No, he doesn't!"

"Sure he does." She responded with a shrug, "It's only fair."

He was dumbfounded for moment before shaking his head.

"Can we stop talking about how to use the TARDIS to make money?" He sighed, "Do you want me take you somewhere? Anywhere?"

She'd only been trying to help him, but he had to take offense! And she didn't have anywhere to go. Anya didn't think she particularly wanted to go back to the Scoobies. The Magic Box was gone now, and with it her financial security. And then there was Xander. She loved him, but they were over...and...

She glanced at the TARDIS console, "I'd like to know if Xander is okay..."

"Xander Harris, by chance?" The Doctor asked clearly remembering something.

Anya looked at him in surprise, "Yes! Is he okay?"

"Yah. As far as I know." He pulled at his ear as he spoke, Anya found it sort of...endearing, and she didn't find many things endearing, "I remember now. Early 21st. Very high ranking member of the International Watcher's Council after the collapse of...Sunnydale."

She nodded. Anya didn't know if she wanted to go back, even knowing he was alive. She needed something else. Something new. Something that hurt less. Too much death. And she couldn't bear it if she went back only to lose him down the road anyway.

"Do you--do you think he's happy?"

The Doctor gave her a solemn look, "I don't know."

But he was alive.

And that was enough.

She couldn't go back. She hadn't lost him this time. But there would be another time. Be it when he found someone else, or if he.. died.

They all died. And she still couldn't understand why. No one would explain it to her.

"I don't have anywhere."

He smiled at her with a sad look in his eye and Anya thought maybe The Doctor understood.

"Can I come with you?" Anya asked suddenly.

The Doctor looked surprised and a sadness flashed again through his eyes, "I--uh, I don't know..."

"I won't make anymore business propositions, no matter how reasonable and financially responsible they may be. I promise! I just need--" Anya suddenly felt very tired, "I don't know what I need."

It was hard for her to relate to the human world. She was 1100 years old and hadn't spent much time being human. And then she'd gotten close to them. And they died. Joyce. Potentials whose names she didn't even know, but still cared for even though she'd acted like she didn't. Even Halfrek.

She loved humans, but they only ever left hurt behind. Hurt she couldn't understand, because it was foreign to her. She'd left pain and destruction in her wake when she'd been a demon, but she'd never had to...experience it. She'd had to when she was Aud, but that was so long ago that it had been easy to forget.

Anya felt a hand on her shoulder and she looked up to see The Doctor gazing into her eyes and he gave he shoulder a sympathetic squeeze. He understood, in a way very few could.

She wondered how he did it. She'd only been had to deal with death a couple of years. But, The Doctor? He'd been traveling with humans for hundreds of years, and eventually he'd lost each and every one of them in some way or another. He obviously wasn't traveling with anyone at the moment.

Maybe he could help her. Maybe they could help each other.

He sighed dramatically.

"Oh, alright! One trip!" He lifted one finger emphatically, "One! Free of charge! But that's it!"

She smiled.

Then suddenly he gave her a cheeky grin and winked, "Then, I start charging!"


The End

You have reached the end of "Floppy, Hoppy Time Lords". This story is complete.

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