I'm relatively certain that the Stargate stuff belongs to MGM but I could be wrong, mostly because I really don't care. Not mine, don't sue, et cetera and so forth.Summary:
Lt. Scott never would have thought that going for a workout and doing paperwork would land him in such hot water…Joe's Note:
Just a little one dedicated to some far too literal fuckwits on SpaceBattles who don't seem to be able to differentiate between those two things known as 'fact' and 'opinion', particularly when it comes to dialog. This is for you, kids.
"You know, Lieutenant, for someone who's supposedly the smartest man on the ship, your Doctor Rush can be awfully stupid."
"Oh?" Resting with his back against one wall, First Lieutenant Matthew Scott cradled his Heckler & Koch G36 to his chest as he watched the woman wearing Tamara Johansen's body slowly guide her companions through motions that he vaguely recognized as tai chi. He idly wondered if Second Lieutenant Vanessa James and Chloe Armstrong were genuinely interested in learning the martial art or if they just enjoyed their instructor's company, before realizing that he didn't really care either way. Three lovely ladies in shorts and sports bras working out, and he was assigned to watch it every day? Hell of a gig. "And why's that, Miss Mal Doran?"
The next tai chi form brought the three women around to face him and TJ's green eyes narrowed as she stared at a spot about three feet to his left. "He's declared the Destiny
's stargate to be the oldest one found so far, but Earth has a stargate that's over fifty million years old. It was the gate they found in Antarctica; the one that Anubis blew up and so the SGC had to lease the other gate back from the Russians." After looking to either side to check on Vanessa and Chloe, she moved on to the next form. "Why would the Ancients not only keep a prototype stargate for tens of millions of years, but then go on to install it aboard this ship and put that pattern into the automated ships to be mass produced? And why would they seed the Milky Way and Pegasus galaxies with more primitive stargates? If they had the ability to make gates with internal power that could be dialed from something the size of your palm, why bother making a great big DHD? Unplug it and the your gate's useless, shoot it too many times and your gate's useless, reach inside and pull out a crystal and your gate's useless… it's a huge weak spot in the network. And this is the design they use for the networks in the two galaxies they colonized, when they had the plans for gates like these lying around? It doesn't make sense, but that doesn't seem to matter to him. He's Doctor Rush. He can't be wrong."
Scott shrugged, watching the swirling colors of faster than light travel play over the women's exposed skin as they moved from form to form, the others a bit jerkier than 'TJ' but getting better by the day. "Got me. I'm not paid to think, though. I'm just paid to shoot what they tell me to shoot. I leave that kind of stuff to Rush and the scientists. If you want to debate it with him, though, more power to you. Maybe he'll have another attack and we'll get a day or two of peace and quiet while he sleeps it off." A few days without Vala would also do wonders for the volume level on the ship, he realized; she and Rush had been engaging in shouting matches at least twice a day since she'd begun switching places so TJ could attend training on Earth.
"Well, you're paid to shoot and guard. Which reminds me." Looking back over her shoulder, Vala arched a brow. "I know you're assigned to watch me, but can you find a way to do that without staring at my ass so often? You're already sleeping with two women here and I'm not about to become the third. Even if I hadn't promised Mara I would behave while in her body."
"Wait, what do you mean…"
"…he's sleeping with two women?"
Straightening up, Chloe and Vanessa crossed their arms over their chests with eerie synchronicity as they stared at Vala. "He's sleeping with me!" That exclamation had them turning on each other. "He's sleeping with you? No he's not! He's sleeping with me!" The two glared at each other for a long moment before turning his way and Scott gulped, edging towards the door. "Matthew Scott!"
It was time, Scott decided, to execute a tactical withdrawal. "Lieutenant James, I'm hereby reassigning you to serve as Vala Mal Doran's guide and observer while she's inhabiting Lieutenant Johansen's body, effective immediately." Turning tail, he raced off through the nearby door, pausing only to tap the crystal in the doorframe that would lock the door behind him. It would take them only a minute or two to radio Eli and get the lock released, but he'd be long gone by then…
When Tamara came back to her body, she found herself staring intently at a piece of paper covered in numbers. "Since when does Vala need remedial… wait, there's not even any actual math here." Looking up, she eyed Chloe and Vanessa suspiciously. "Do I even want to know what's going on?"
The other two members of what her shipmates were starting to call the 'Terrible Trio' were sprawled out on their backs beside each other on the bunk in her room, Eli's constantly roaming iPhone resting between them and the earbuds shared so both could listen to whatever was playing. "We found out one downside to gossiping to the same friend. I was telling her about the guy I was sleeping with. So was Chloe." Vanessa turned her head to eye the Baretta resting on the nightstand and TJ slid off the bed, carefully circling around and taking possession of the obviously irritated lieutenant's gun. "It was Matt."
"Wait, for…" Tamara looked back and forth in disbelief as both women nodded. "Oh. Ouch."
Letting out a little sniffle, Chloe scowled and reached down to grab the iPhone, fingers gliding over the surface rapidly. "Yup. Oh, and he even had cute little aliases for us. He'd tell me he was 'going for a workout'…"
Vanessa pointed at herself before jerking a thumb at Chloe. "And evidently 'doing paperwork' is actually a euphemism for 'I'm fucking a senator's daughter behind your back'."
"Christ. I mean, I knew you and Matt were together, Vanessa, I don't think there was anyone at Icarus who didn't. But Chloe, I thought your nameless boyfriend was just you being shy about dating Eli because…" Raising one hand up to her eyes, she left the other down near her hip. "You're here and he's here on the social ladder. I thought you were embarrassed and so I was waiting for you to come out when you were ready. You have to believe me, I would have told you both if I'd known. After I was done kicking his ass, that is." That got chuckles from both women and after tucking the gun into the waistband of her BDUs, Tamara pulled the sheet of paper Vala had been studying out of her pocket. "So, anyone want to tell me what this is?"
Chloe smiled faintly at that. "Vala being a good friend. Those are every possible measurement we could thing of clothes-wise for the three of us. We can't exactly go combat relationship problems with retail therapy, so she's going to do it for us and try to sneak it in when the SGC finally sends supplies. And she's including some for you as a thank you for sharing your body. Although I'm pretty sure it's also self-interest, since she'll need to keep sharing it for a while yet."
Chuckling, Tamara turned to face the mirror in her room and abruptly froze. Something about her appearance was drastically different compared to the last time she'd seen herself, some ten hours ago. And it wasn't just Vala pulling her hair up into her customary pigtails, which they'd come to use as a marker for the rest of the crew to show who was in possession of her body at the time. "Why is my hair black?"
Daniel knew his near-constant companion had returned to her own body when it slumped, losing some of the rigid military stiffness that Tamara brought with her even when she was having an out of body experience. Before he could say anything, though, she whirled and grabbed a piece of paper out of a nearby printer, scribbling down row after row of numbers and letters. "Vala?"
"Just a second, Daniel…" Putting the finishing touches on her scribbles, Vala sighed and turned to face him, grinning lazily. "You still have that government-issue credit card that Jack gave you, right?" He nodded hesitantly, not sure he liked the look on Vala's face. She clapped, hopping to her feet and hooking an arm through his. "Splendid. In that case, I believe I have a date with the mall. And since I'm not allowed to go anywhere alone, guess who gets to come with and carry packages?"
Trying to dig his heels in and stall her manic flight, Daniel only succeeded in making himself stumble a few times before ultimately giving up. "And why are we going to the mall?"
"Retail therapy. Two of the women on the ship just found out they're being cheated on by the same guy. Terrible scandal. I told them I'd spend some money in their name and try to slip the goodies in when Jack finally ships something to them."
"…I'm not going into Victoria's Secret with you, Vala."
"Not even if I offer to model a few things for you?"