I'm relatively certain that the Stargate stuff belongs to MGM but I could be wrong, mostly because I really don't care. Not mine, don't sue, et cetera and so forth.Summary:
Eli Wallace would be a much happier man if he could figure out why random women were walking up and slapping him…Joe's Note:
Written for Starbug's 'lesbian Destiny
AI' challenge over at SpaceBattles…
Keeping a straight face through this particular interview was going to be hard, Colonel Everett Young knew. Mostly because he knew that back when he was Eli Wallace's age, he would have been immature enough to pull a stunt like this. But still, complaints had been filed and there were procedures to be followed. And if he turned out to be guilty, which didn't seem to be in doubt, there would be punishment to hand out as well. Looking over at his companion, he nodded in the fidgeting Eli's direction but Camille Wray shook her head. Coward. Finally, he broke the silence. "Eli, we've been getting some complaints about the behavior of the Kinos and…"
"Err, I think we should stop calling them Kino and go with KINO instead." Young trailed off, arching a brow at the interruption he never would have experienced with one of his own. Eli seemed unaware - or perhaps uncaring - of his faux pas, though, gesturing to the metal ball floating at his side. "I've been reading up on some of the SGC's adventures - got tired of people making references that I don't get - and General O'Neill doesn't seem to like the Russians very much. Which makes sense, considering he had to save them and then they've blackmailed you twice about the Earth stargate. So anyways, I figured you military types like acronyms… KINO. Kinetic Interactive Navigational Orb. Same name so it doesn't really trip people up, but it'll look better on reports."
Young sighed and reached up to rub one temple; why were the smart ones always so socially retarded and difficult to deal with. If it wasn't a superiority complex, it was meandering rambles that started on subject and ended up five light-years away. "Right. We've had some complaints from the expedition's women about the behavior of the KINOs and since you're the one in control of them… the only one with access to them, actually… well, I'm sure you can put two and two together and figure out why you're sitting here."
First came a nod, then a shake of Eli's head, and then another nod. "Well, I mean, I know that something's going on because Chloe's slapped me across the face twice in the last week and is refusing to talk to me at the moment. And Vanessa threw me into a bulkhead this morning when I passed her on the way to breakfast which probably isn't something you'd do for fun because… well, not exactly a twig here. But…"
"Let's cut to the chase. Have you or have you not been using the KINOs to spy on the expedition's female members while showering or otherwise underdressed?" Camille tapped her pen against a folder that, while not too thick, had enough pieces of paper sticking out haphazardly to make it clear that there were a number of reports inside. "Because it's happening too consistently to brush off as 'wrong place and time', Mister Wallace."
Eli shook his head but before he could respond, an outraged screech came from the hall and Second Lieutenant Vanessa James came racing into the mess hall slash meeting room slash general gathering area. "I swear to God, I don't care if he's the only one Rush will talk to, I'm going to kill the… chubby… bastard." Trailing off, she straightened up and adjusted her towel. "Colonel. Ma'am. Eli. Who I'm guessing has been sitting here with you guys and not using the remote control for his little toys?" Young nodded and the lieutenant adjusted her grip on her towel again, her free hand emerging from behind her back with a KINO. "Okay, so, question. If he's not the one controlling this… who is?"
One hand slowly moving towards the remote on the table, Eli paused. "I can touch this without getting shot, right?" Young looked up at his lieutenant with a smirk and she blushed before nodding. "Alright, come over here with it so I can link up, Vanessa. I should be able to do a basic handshake even if it's slaved to another remote; see where the signal's going. Hmm." Frowning, Eli jabbed at the remote a bit more fiercly. "Alright, this is a little harder than it should be. Something's actively trying to keep me out. I didn't know anyone else here had both the programming skills and the knowledge of Ancient to do that. Well, other than Doctor Rush, that is. But that's about as likely as pigs flying." Pausing, he looked up from the remote. "Uh, you guys haven't met winged pigs on an alien planet, have you?"
"If we have, nobody bothered to report it." Gingerly rising from his seat, Young grabbed the gun he was still forced to use as a crutch and limped around the table to watch over Eli's shoulder as alien symbols flew past rapidly. "What's going on?"
Eli's fingers flew over the controls as he worked, apparently fighting with something based on the scowl on his face. "Every time I take a step forward, it manages to jump two steps back. I'm not even sure Rush could pull this off. It's… scarily adaptive. It reacts almost as fast as I can work; faster than I think it's possible for a human to think, much less type. If I didn't know any better, I'd say this was some kind of test and you guys had me fighting a computer." Suddenly he paused, staring up at Young with wide eyes. "Fighting a computer. What if this is linked to the ship itself? What if the ship is alive?"
Fingers tightening around the squirming KINO, Vanessa brought it up to her face, staring into the camera's tiny lens. "Okay, let's just say for shits and giggles that you're right and the ship is alive. Not sure why you'd want one that is, but I'm not an Ancient and I didn't build this bucket. Why, if there is a computer out there that's controlling this thing, is it spying on me in the shower?"
"You did sit through the same Stargate Basics videos I saw, right? Ancients were the first evolution of humanity. Pretty much identical. Identical enough that they not only had the ability, but had the desire to breed into the human gene pool. That's where ATA comes from. So, obviously they find humans attractive." Looking up from his remote, Eli gestured to the KINO in the brunette's hand. "Think about it. AI, left all by itself for a million years, suddenly there are hot women aboard… I can see where it'd be curious." Curious. Young snorted. Now that was a polite term for it.
The rogue KINO suddenly wrenched itself out of Vanessa's hand, floating down to hover in front of Eli's face. A decidedly female voice let fly a rapid fire burst of the Latin-ish language Young recognized as Ancient, finishing off with a noisy raspberry. "What did it say to you?"
Mouthing a few of the words, Eli yanked a well-thumbed book out of his pocket, flicking back and forth between various pages. Finally he assembled an entire translation for them. "I think, but don't hold me to this, that I just got told off… for calling her a guy. Which I suppose makes sense, because aren't ships generally thought of as feminine? Guess we know where it came from."
"Great. So I've got an Ancient lesbian AI perving on me in the shower. My descent into the weirdness of the Stargate Program is officially complete." Turning to the colonel, she straightened up. "Requesting permission to go slam my head against a bulkhead, sir."
Looking down, Vanessa's eyes widened. "Permission to go find some clothes?"
"Approved." Mostly because Camille hadn't managed a coherent word since his towel-wrapped subordinate arrived and he was going to need his partner-in-management's help in figuring out how to deal with this newest mess. Best to eliminate the distraction. Vanessa turned on her heel and stalked off, the KINO floating along behind her. "Uh uh uh. Not you."
The KINO let out a sigh before floating back over to the table.