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Let’s Hear it for the Monsters… NOT!

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This story is No. 1 in the series "Let's Hear It For the Monsters...NOT!". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: Buffy Summers gets called to St. Louis. High & Mighty Anita Blake gets in the way. Someone gets their ass kicked. Clue: It’s not Buffy. (Nominated for COA Best Anita Blake X-Over!)

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Anita Blake > General > Action(Recent Donor)LunaFR181654,238822559,29730 Oct 0924 Feb 10Yes

Stuck in the Palace of Poofs


Forget that Angel Season 5 ever happened the way it did because I’ve taken some liberties with a certain someone.

Also, special shout-outs to the readers who guessed correctly on who was on TV: Kaleidofox, ferball, Xeelia, londeaux. You all get warm, gooey, choclately-goodness cookies! (If I forgot someone, please let me know and I shall grovel accordingly)


Moaning softly, Buffy knew she was dreaming. It was a dream that had plagued her mind many times. She saw the soft look of love in Spike’s eyes as the amulet began to emanate a golden glow. Her heart ached at the sight of him as the brilliant rays began to overwhelm his vampiric flesh. It was wrong to care for him, to love him for he was a dead thing. But wrong or not, a part of her did love him and that part died at seeing his demise. In every other dream at this point she ran with the speed of a cheetah away from the cave-in to the waiting bus outside.

But something was different this time. This time she observed Spike as the blinding rays of light shot through the cavern. The sunlight seemed like a tangible element that ruthlessly scratched cracks into Spike’s awestruck face and chiseled body. Before her very eyes he was disintegrating and there was nothing she could do to stop it. He gave her a charming grin before his smile literally slid off his face.

Buffy stifled a scream as the walls of the malevolent cavern collapsed around her. She grabbed the amulet that Spike wore and prayed to high heaven that she would make it as her world faded to blackness.

Expecting to wake, Buffy was surprised to view a master bedroom through a sea of light fog. No longer was she holding the amulet but she saw it draped on an oak dresser. Sighs and moans drew her attention to the ridiculously large bed that was draped in shades of scarlet. Standing over the bed and smiling was a violet-eyed woman… No, wait a second. Although the person was slim and had hair that cascaded to their ankles, Buffy saw it was indeed a young man who was now taking off his shirt.

Like a moth, Buffy drew closer to the flaming red bed even though her gut told her to go away. She glimpsed the naked backside of a petite woman with curly black hair that fell to her waist riding a man. There was no reasoning behind her action, but she began to revolve around the amorous couple to see who lay beneath the woman.

For a moment her heart stopped as she finally saw the face of the thrusting man. But he wasn’t a man. He was a vampire. Buffy grabbed her chest in shock and undeniably saw Spike look directly into her eyes. For a moment it seemed time stopped as they drank in the sight of each other. She knew her eyes were widened in surprise and that flickers of pain with a lining of hope could be glimpsed. Spike’s displayed his own shock at her presence and an overwhelming amount of love swam through his eyes.

“Buffy?” he gasped.

“Spike,” moaned the woman that Buffy now recognized as Anita Blake. “You will speak no other name besides my own or I will punish you.” Throaty laughter spilled from her lips. “I must feed and in order for that to happen you must focus on me so the ardeur can feed upon you.”

A defeated look flashed across his features and he cast one guilty, hopeless look at Buffy before he resumed his previous actions.

Buffy clenched her eyes shut and tried to wipe the image from her mind. In a moment she was blinking her eyes awake.

“Buff, you okay? You’ve been acting out the whole time during your nap. You have to calm down because we can’t afford to draw attention to ourselves.” Xander rubbed her arm to reassure her and in the process turned so his back faced the rest of the cabin. He didn’t want anyone on the plane to see Buffy spazzing out in her window seat.

Instead of calming down, Buffy burst into sobs. There was no reason why; or perhaps it is more accurate to say there were a million reasons why. But for the moment now words were not being transmitted from her brain to her mouth. So she just sat there sobbing while Xander held her; confused on what had upset one of his dearest friends.

After a while her sobs subsided and Buffy took in a shaky breath against the comforting shoulder of her friend. “Buff?” Xander hesitantly asked.

She used the flimsy blanket the flight attendant had given to her and wiped her face clean of tears. “I’m fine, Xand. I’m fine. Just a bad dream mixed in with a vision, I think.”

Xander stared at her thoughtfully and stroked her hair reassuringly. “What happened?”

“It began like one of my reoccurring nightmares about our last day in Sunnydale where I left Spike. But this time was different. I saw him actually disintegrate under the weight of the light and all that was left was his amulet. Next thing I know I was in this porno-style bedroom with the amulet laying on the dresser. There was this girly-looking dude standing next to a bed.” Buffy took a deep breathe. “And on the bed was Anita Blake and Spike having sex.”

Buffy’s eyes avoided looking at his face. Xander had always hated Spike. Even though Spike had sacrificed for the betterment of all Xander still didn’t like him. Needless to say, she didn’t want to see his reaction.

“So apparently he’s not being held against his own will if he’s doing the dirty with her.” Buffy shot him a dark look. “Sorry, Buff. But maybe he doesn’t actually need to be rescued.”

Wringing her hands together, Buffy gave him a frustrated look. “I don’t know Xander. Something was majorly weird in that vision. Somehow, Spike actually saw me and knew I was there. When he noticed me he said my name and Anita ordered him not to speak anyone else’s name or she would punish him. She said something about feeding ‘the ardeur’, whatever that is.” Buffy shook her head. “I don’t like it. The feeling I got was that he was being held against his own will.”

Xander raised an eyebrow. “Buffy, no man can be held against his own will when it involves a naked woman.”

She smacked him lightly on the arm. “Don’t joke; there’s some creepy vibe things that are going on there, I think.”

Xander held up his hands in surrender. “Alright, alright. But let’s talk about our plans later, in a less conspicuous setting, Mrs. Hamilton.” He gave her a sly wink and a grin.

It earned him a laugh, for which Buffy was grateful. “Whatever you say, dear husband.” Self-consciously, Buffy ran her hands over her short, red wig that she had procured to go along with her adopted identity as Mrs. Dorthea Hamilton, named after her favorite figure skater.

It annoyed her that they had to go to such lengths for secrecy, but thanks to the vampires they were outlaws amongst their own kind. Once the Vampire Council realized that hundreds of slayers would finally be able to take them out, they banded together quickly. They knew there was no way to eliminate the slayers. The First Evil had tried and failed miserably. Kill one, another one rises. No, the leaders of the vampire world saw a political opportunity. They used their wiles to charm politicians and came ‘out of the coffin’

Quickly, vampires were declared legal citizens and were seen to be just people with a dental problem; not to mention a sunlight problem, have to sleep all day problem, and that pesky blood drinking problem. Laws in various countries like the United States were put into place to protected the rights and lives of all vampires.

Whereas before slayers could take the heart and head of any evil vamp they pleased, now suddenly human law mandated procedures that involved court orders. Regular people at one time knew vaguely of the slayers, although they just assumed they were typical bounty hunters; but the Vampire Council knew the slayers would have to be eliminated furthermore as a threat.

The Vampire Council chose public relations as their solution. Several slayers were arrested for ‘homicide’ throughout the States when they were caught killing vampires. Then the Vampire Council burned down a quaint 2-story brick home with a white picket fence that killed one vampire, his wife, and their two year old girl and a dance club in Las Vegas full of 100 people; 60 who were human. The blame was put on ‘The Slayers’ and soon they were marked as a terrorist organization that sought the deaths of the undead and their people.

‘Which is so unfair,’ Buffy thought. Since the beginning of time Slayers killed any and every vampire regardless of if he/she was evil or not. But beginning when she met Angel she came to realize that vampires do have souls and while some are ruthless there are others who are good, or decent at the very least. Buffy became very careful about who she slayed and taught that to her army of girls as well. Of course, the majority of vampires *were* evil- using their powers to steal blood, abuse, careless murder, etc, so their slaying schedules were full. Besides that, no slayer would ever harm an innocent bystander on purpose.

Unfortunately the media and politicians didn’t bother to ask *her* about it. Nope, Homeland Security figured out who the top people were and put them on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. That meant whenever the traveled to they had to take on aliases. Even the countries that allowed vampire killing were after The Slayers on behalf of their treaties with the U.S. and because they thought the Slayers had killed dozens of innocent people.

Damn vampires and their politics.



Spike lay on the edge of bed, exhausted by a round of rough sex. The bird had raked her talons down his chest and blood was still oozing from the wounds. An empty feeling overtook him as he visualized the haunting green eyes of the woman he had died for. He knew she wasn’t physically here but somehow her presence had been and he trembled with anger at the memory of the pained look she had given to him.

A part of him admonished himself for never contacting her and he knew she would see that as a betrayal. But how does a man go out in a literal blaze of heroic glory only to pop up magickally five years later and say ‘Hey baby, I’m back’? It doesn’t work that way. He knew within his very soul that a part of Buffy had loved him and that love was truly earned when he sacrificed himself. But he worried that to contact her would diminish that love and things would go back to the way they were.

At least this way he knew that a part of her still loved him for his sacrifice. That was more glorious and rewarding than finding her again.

But now somehow she knew. Somehow she saw him and knew he was back, not to mention having sex with another woman. Dammit! His fist clenched around the silk scarlet sheet. If he had it his way he would have ran screaming out of the Circus of the Damned six months ago when he had reawakened in this world. The place gave him the creeps, as did the prats who ran the place. ‘Although,’ he thought with a grin, ‘it is bloody fun giving all these wankers a hard time. Almost makes up for being stuck here in the Palace of Poofs.’

If only he could leave. But It wasn’t allowed.

“Spike? You’re needed for guard work. The Las Vegas Master and his wife are coming soon. Get ready.”

Spike gazed up at the petite brunette whose dark features seemed to match the darkness of her personality. “Yes, Master.” He sighed and got to his feet to dress.

No, he couldn’t leave. Because *she* would not allow it.



*Aha! Now we know who’s in St. Louis! I REALLY liked people’s suggestions that I should bring Anya back! I really did because she *IS* fantastic. But I already had Spike planned out along with a fun story of how he was brought back. *sad, puppy face*

*Still taking suggestions on who to take down or redeem from the Anita-verse world.
Current Kill suggestions include: No one major, Malcolm, Narcissus (x2), Valentine, Noah, Caleb, Sylvia, Anita, Jean-Claude, Richard (x2) and the delightfully cruel shadowslayers said everyone should be killed haha…..To Redeem people suggested: Asher & Richard (x2)
……………*rubs hands eagerly like Monty Burns* Many eeeeeeexcellent suggestions my friends. MWAHAHAHA! ;)

*Also, hope the clarification on why Buffy & the Gang can’t be Federal Marshals was helpful. I don’t really put anything past that crazy-political Vampire Council *shivers*

*Many, MANY thanks to the reviewers! I love you guys :D

*Coming up~ We’ll learn exactly how Spike came back and why he’s stuck in St. Louis.
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