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Let’s Hear it for the Monsters… NOT!

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This story is No. 1 in the series "Let's Hear It For the Monsters...NOT!". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: Buffy Summers gets called to St. Louis. High & Mighty Anita Blake gets in the way. Someone gets their ass kicked. Clue: It’s not Buffy. (Nominated for COA Best Anita Blake X-Over!)

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Anita Blake > General > Action(Recent Donor)LunaFR181654,238822559,29630 Oct 0924 Feb 10Yes

All Teams Are In Position

A/N: This totally goes out to Greywizard. I am truly appreciative of the generous feedback and ideas he gave me for this story. THANK YOU! You are indeed a gentleman and a scholar. :) Also, many thanks to everyone that has read/reviewed./started tracking- y’all are great!


Buffy and Giles were sitting outside the junior high in their rental vehicle bickering about how to proceed.

“Willow has given us a name. It would probably be best if I went in their and acquired information on the girl so we have a face and address.”

Buffy smirked. “Yeah, for sure Giles. I can see it now: You go in and start requesting information on a fourteen year old girl. I’m sure the secretary would not be creeped out at all by an old man trying to look up a teenage girl. Remind me to get some bail money out of my Council account.”

His mouth open and closed like a fish. “I am in no such way creepy! I used to work in a school after all.”

Rolling her eyes, Buffy leaned forward in the passenger seat. “Giles, look. I’ll go in. I’m great at incognito. No one will take a second look at me due to my bouncy blond hair, Bambi eyes, and hip yet adorable outfit. Besides,” she added, “ if there’s chance he’s here I can probably get him talking better than you. Two birds with one stone and all that jazz.”

“Fine,” Giles said exasperatedly. “Go on. I’ll wait here.”

“Excellent! I knew you would see it my way.” Buffy slid out of the car and began walking towards the school. She stifled a yawn and tried to wake up. Their plane had arrived late last night and as soon as they got into the hotel rooms Andrew had finished briefing them on the situation. Faith, Xander, Willow, and Andrew were hitting up some of Andrew’s contacts around town and later heading to Guilty Pleasures to do some reconnaissance. Guilty Pleasures was a vamp/were bar owned by Jean-Claude. If there was information on Spike to be found, it would probably be there.

Hence why she was on the Slayer Mini-Me mission. Sure, she had told everyone it would be best for the young slayer if she, as leader of the Slayer army, met the girl but in reality she wasn’t quite ready to see Spike. Her vision/dream had freaked her out and she still needed time to wrap his existence around her head.

Before entering the school office, Buffy put on a bright smile. Everyone liked a person that smiled, after all. It was lunchtime so the halls echoed with noise from the cafeteria and Buffy was pleased to see that the secretary must be out to lunch as well. Score!

Sliding into the room, Buffy went straight for the binders on the back wall. Sure enough, they were labeled by class and alphabetical order. Double Score! This was going to be far easier than she thought. Glancing over her shoulder she saw no one else and began rifling through the pages of the eighth grade class. Let’s see… She was looking for Zoe Peterson…

Mid-way through the P’s a deep voice startled her. “Uh, hello? What are you doing in the student files.” Her eyes widened but she masked her emotions as she turned around. Standing before her was the man Andrew had briefed her on last night. Schoolteacher by day, Werewolf Ulfric by night. And complete hotness in at all times of the day. She recognized his tall frame, long brown locks, and handsome face from the file photo they had. Yum. He was much tastier looking in person.

Realizing he was waiting for a response she put on her ’Innocent Girl’ smile again, this time with a bit of a flirtatious edge. “Hey there,” she said warmly. “My name is Dorthea Hamilton.” ’Damn,’ she thought. Without a plan she had used her US alias, except she realized how very unattractive that name was. She scrounged her mind for a good excuse. “I’m from the radio station, KISS FM.” There had to be a KISS FM in every major city, right? After all, there aren’t that many four-letter words to be used as a radio station name.

She walked up to him and shook his hand firmly, all the while eyeballing him. After seeing him in the flesh she had a new idea on how get Richard Zeeman to talk to her tonight.

“Hi there.” He smiled but there was still a glint of suspicion in his eye. “I’m Richard Zeeman, a teacher here. Ms. Hamilton, is there something you’re here for?”

Buffy smiled coyly and giggled in a way that would have made her old Hemery High self proud. “Well, I originally came here for one reason but now I’m thinking I may have two.” She could hear his pulse speed up. Oh yeah, score one for the Buffster. She may be more responsible and slightly more boring, but she could still flirt with the best of them.

Richard gave her a warm smile. “What is your first reason?”

Buffy leaned in conspiratorially, just so she could be close enough so her could smell her new perfume and allow her hand to graze his arm. “Well, I’m looking for a Zoe Peterson who’s in the eighth grade. She won a radio contest and I wanted to give her the prize. No one was here and I didn’t want to bug anyone on their lunch break,” she shrugged innocently, “so I thought I would just help myself.”

“Well, Ms. Hamilton-”

“Dorthea, please.”

“Dorthea.” He smiled. Ohhh yeah, he was falling hook, line, and sinker. “We have a strict policy about student records so you can’t be looking in there.”

Covering her mouth with her hand she squeaked out an “oops!” She allowed a bit of eye-batting, but not too much. She wanted to be believable after all. “Richard, I am so sorry! I didn’t realize.”

He eyed her and then smiled. “It’s all right. Zoe is actually one of my students. I can introduce you both.”

“Well, that would be very kind of you. You’ll have to let me know if I can ever return the favor sometime.” She wet her lips and gave him her ‘sex eyes’; the kind that whispered how she would be able to do all sorts of favors for him.

He gulped audibly and tried to hide a nervous smile. He seemed at a loss for words and instead motioned for her to follow him.

Now, wasn’t it better that she had gone instead of Giles?


It was December so darkness fell early, though not as early as Dawn was used to in England. She had been holed up all day because she was feeling extra paranoid about any of the other Scoobs seeing her around town. Only vaguely sure of their plans, Dawn wanted to be careful they didn’t run into her. The plane trip had been stressful enough. Five years after Sunnydale was demolished she was really starting to come into her own as a witch, thanks to Willow. One the plane she had suppressed her essence so no one could sense her and thankfully it worked, alongside her wicked awesome disguise.

Dawn had her disguise on again with a few minor alterations. Her long light brown hair was pinned up and covered by a black curly wig with red highlights. Heavy make-up ensured a dramatic facial change and she was dressed in a skimpy black tank and tight, ripped jeans with delightful leather jewelry. Yeah, it was a definite punk-goth look but Dawn knew she wasn’t recognizable and that was all that mattered. It would do the trick; of entering Jean-Claude’s lair underneath the Circus of the Damned, the local attraction for St. Louis freakness for all to see (for a nominal ticket fee, of course).

Cash grasped in her hand, she waited eagerly in line to enter. After arranging the travel plans with Shantha, Dawn had also ‘helped’ Andrew compile all his information of the St. Louis folks so he could take it with them. Now she was as informed as the rest of them; perhaps even better so since she knew Buffy, Xander, and Faith didn’t always pay attention in briefings.

Somewhere in this building was Spike, Dawn was sure of it. Her anger incensed at the thought what these bastards must be doing to him. After all, she knew that if he was alive he definitely would have called her if he was able. Sure, she can see him staying on the down-low when it came to Buffy due to their really weird history but she was his Niblet. Spike had been for her numerous times when she really needed someone and there was no way she was going to let him be tortured or whatever was happening to him.

Dawn only hope that she found him first. It worried her that Buffy and the others were in town. They had a tendency to kill first, ask questions later sometimes. And since Spike could be a real sarcastic asshole occasionally it was even more likely that things would erupt into a fight if they met up. Besides, Dawn was a bit worried that maybe Spike was back into the Big Bad business. If so, she knew it was possible that Buffy (or at least Faith or Xander) would stake him without a second thought. She, however; was prepared to talk to him and, if need be, convince him to step away from the evildoer path these local vamps were treading on.

Yet… She was definitely hoping there would be no need for her Oprah-ish self-help talk. Because she was about to step into a nest of vipers and it would be nice to have at least one friend on the inside.


Spike took a long drag on his cigarette and blew it in the Master of the City’s face. Jean-Claude’s eyes flashed with anger but he kept his expression otherwise in check. “Listen here ya bloody wanker. I’m not some randy show dog you can bring out to play fetch for your friends.” He jerked his head towards the S&M black leather outfit the werewolf and Pomme de Sang of Jean-Claude’s, Jason, was holding with an amused expression. “And I’m certainly not going to wear that. A man’s got to have a bit of dignity; something you clearly lack judging by that sodding ruffled shirt you’re wearing.”

Jean-Claude gazed at Spike over clasped hands and spoke calmly in a cold voice. “Listen to me Spike. You work for me and since the Master of Las Vegas is arriving tonight I need you to properly dress as a member of my kiss and to showcase your ‘talent’.”

Scoffing, Spike took another drag on his cigarette. “You’ve been drinking too much crazy wolf blood if you think I’m going to play along, Liberaci. I like my leather duster just fine, thank you, and don’t need to dress like a member of Chippendale’s. And like I said, I’m not your dog so shove off.”

Growling, Jean-Claude picked up Spike by the neck and threw him against the wall. Spike winced and then started laughing. “Well now, that tickled mate! I’m still not bloody going to do it though. And there’s not a damn,” he drawled, “thing you can do about it. You can’t kill me without hurting your precious pet and I’m getting well sick and tired of playing lap dog.”

The vision or whatever it was of Buffy gave him a bit more fire tonight. Spike had been bloody trapped here in St. Louis for 6 months thanks to Anita Blake bringing him back. He still had no idea how it happened but somehow the amulet he had used to close the Hellmouth had turned up in North Carolina just when Anita was visiting that Jason’s family. Drawn to the energy of the dead that it emanated, Anita took the amulet back home with her. Then, like usual, the bird had done some metaphysical mojo and Spike had been brought back as a ghost. He bristled at the memories of that time when he was stuck in some sort of limbo. Of course, it was bloody fun ‘haunting’ all the prats that were in Anita’s life.

But one day came the event that changed everything. Anita was stuck in a losing battle with a vampire and was losing a lot of blood. She was all alone, besides him. And as a ghost he didn’t think he could help, even though the bird wasn’t half bad once she was away from her simpering boyfriends. Unbeknownst of the depth of her power Anita called on Spike to save her in a last ditch effort to win. Blood from her wounds splashed onto his spiritual form and she called upon his resurrection using her will. Next thing Spike knew he got a nasty punch from the bad vamp in question and was surprised that he had a tangible form. Needless to say he kicked the vampire’s ass and saved the day.

Too bad he couldn’t save himself. By resurrecting him Anita had tied Spike to her as her Vampire Servant and Spike quickly realized that he was stuck taking orders from a bossy, manipulative bitch. He had tried to at least get her to release him from St. Louis but her partner in manipulation, Jean-Claude, had put a stop to that idea once he realized the gift Spike had received for his sacrifice. Now mind you, Spike enjoyed his gift *very* much but he detested that it forced him to do the bidding the curly-haired pretty boy standing in front of him.

The pretty boy in question threw the dominatrix outfit at Spike and snarled, “Killing the vampire servant of my human servant may indeed kill her and in turn kill me, but damn you Spike, you are making it very hard to refrain from killing you.”

Spike flicked his cigarette at Jean-Claude. “Now, now, JC. Keep up that talk and I might be thinking you don’t like me or something.” Spike grinned with satisfaction as Jean-Claude stalked out of the room, fuming.

Being stuck here wasn’t fun but it did have its moments.


“Now, please remember,” Andrew intoned in his best Masterpiece Theatre voice, “that this strip club is unlike many others. We will be relieved of all our weapons, crosses, and silver.”

“If they see ‘em, that is,” Faith snorted. “These pants may be tight but I’m def hiding some surprises.”

“Do we really have to go to a male strip club?” Xander whined. “Can’t Will just do some voo-doo and get us the info we need?”

Willow rolled her eyes and glared. “Xander, I’ve been doing this for almost ten freaking years. It’s not voo-doo! It’s witchcraft and you know it.”

Xander held his hands up in surrender and gave a bashful smile.

“Besides Xander, at least half of our entourage will appreciate it so you will just have to deal,” Andrew offered.

Xander counted Faith, Willow, Andrew, and himself with his index finger. “Don’t you mean just one, on account of Will liking the womenfolk?”

Andrew’s eyes widened and he laughed nervously. “Ah, oops! My mistake. Just twenty-five percent.”

Although Xander seemed oblivious, Willow and Faith locked eyes and smiled.

Faith’s gangsta ring tone by The Game began going off and she sung along. “Go ahead and envy me, I’m rap’s MVP.” She opened it up and greeted the caller. “B! What up?” She nodded and made noises of agreement. “Cool. We’re just now walking up to Guilty Pleasures. We’ll holler if we need you, otherwise see you back at the hotel.”

“Buffy there?” Willow asked.

“Yup,” Faith told her. “And Giles is meeting up with his contact as well. All teams are in position.”

“Ya know, as plans go, I’m not really a big fan of hers,” Xander grumbled.

“Xand-Man!“ Faith rolled her eyes. Don’t worry ’bout it. Besides, what are you grumpy for? Please don’t tell me you’re still mooning over the Buffster.”

“No!” he said quickly. “Definitely not. I’m just sayin’, its not fair that she gets to go on a date while I’ll be stuck staring at g-strings with very unattractive contents.”

Faith laughed. “Speak for yourself. I for one am always happy to combine business with pleasure.” She let out a low whistle. “This is gonna be fun!”


*Hangs head in shame* I am so sorry, dearest readers! I have been quite naughty in refraining from continuing this story. When I tried to write it, my muse for my other story (A Vampire Slayer in Middle-Earth) was pestering me more than a dog with a stick so I had to continue that. Plus, you know how life is (blah!)

Anyways, here is the next installment- Merry Christmas lol. Please be patient with me as we proceed to Anita Smack down ‘09 because I don’t want to just write drivel and actually have some interesting storylines set up; therefore I’ll need some time before the climax. But I definitely promise to do better than just post once every two months! *does Girl Scout promise sign*

Next up: Dawn runs into mini-sized Big Time trouble, Faith loses her cool, and Richard gets a rude wake up call. We’ll also be seeing what Spike's Big Bad vampire gift is that made JC covet him so (and no, its not his rock hard abs although that is a valuable reason haha)

QUESTION: Which characters from the 2 worlds do you want to see interact the most? I’m not talking just sexy-fun times but even just conversation. Andrew & Asher? Xander & Anita? Faith & The Wicked Truth?

Please review! I love hearing your opinions; they make me happy :D
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