Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Live on New Server

Let’s Hear it for the Monsters… NOT!

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking

This story is No. 1 in the series "Let's Hear It For the Monsters...NOT!". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: Buffy Summers gets called to St. Louis. High & Mighty Anita Blake gets in the way. Someone gets their ass kicked. Clue: It’s not Buffy. (Nominated for COA Best Anita Blake X-Over!)

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Anita Blake > General > Action(Recent Donor)LunaFR181654,238822559,67730 Oct 0924 Feb 10Yes

Aw, She Ruined Our Secret Cover

Greywizard, many thanks once again for betaing and giving me feedback/ideas. You are helping to make this story even awesomer and eviler (Okay… I know those are not real words. That’s just how special you are; you get fake words made for you! :D

Also, don't you like how much better I am being about my updates? *bows humbly* yes, yes, anything for you, dearest readers ;)


Giles sat in the darkened corner of a pub on the seedy side of town. His contact in St. Louis sat across from him. While his face was shrouded in shadows, Giles recognized the sound of his voice from their several phone conversations.

“Thank you for meeting me here. On behalf of the Council, we greatly appreciate your work for us.”

“Think nothing of it,” he said gruffly. “When my aunt told me that she used to work for you fellas as a Watcher, I was happy to extend my services to such a noble institution.”

“Thank you,” Giles said with a nod. “It is a shame more Americans can’t realize that.”

“That’s exactly why I wanted to help you. The whole damn legal system has been taken in by these demons and it’s practically impossible to get to the root of the problem.”

“Indeed. Tell me, what more information can you give us on the Executioner?”

His contact chuckled. “Mr. Giles, I haven’t called her the Executioner in a long time. After all, it's hard to kill the damn dead things when you’re fucking them.”

Giles winced at the man’s vulgar speech but admitted to himself there was some truth to that. “Whatever you call her, please tell me what you have collected on her.”

Leaning forward, Giles could just make out the outline of a huge grin on his contact’s face.

“You might want to take some notes. ‘Cause I’ve got enough information to write a book; maybe even seventeen.”

“Excellent,” Giles said with a small smile.


Dawn had to refrain from giggling at the success of her spell. After all, she had made herself invisible and suppressed her scent, but they could still hear her. It was a shame she had been unable to find a good spell for that. But hey! She had been having some most excellent luck. Meandering through the crowds and past security had been pretty easy, more or less. Now she had managed to get down to the lower levels and had to suppress her glee. She had a feeling Spike was here, she just knew it!

Uh-oh. Perhaps her happiness had come too soon.

Further down the hall two vampires headed her way, and moving fast. Even though she may be all Invisible Girl, if they bumped into her they could catch her easily enough.

Spotting an open doorway, she ducked into it. She found herself in a small antechamber and she could hear symphony of voices coming from an attached room, so she decided to check them out.

Walking through that door, she had to clasp her mouth shut to keep from gasping.

The room was absolutely decadent, with several long tables covered with rich cloths and crystal goblets. Above the room were three chandeliers that rained down glimmers of reflected light. Large Renaissance paintings depicting beautiful women and men hung on the walls. In the corner came piano music that was so vibrant it seemed to dance along her arms.

As lovely as those things were, however; they were not the things she noticed the most.

Nope. What she noticed the most were the twenty or so vampires, plus assorted humans, meandering through the room.

‘Ok Dawn, breathe’, she told herself silently. After all, wasn’t this what she wanted? To check out the vampires so she could find Spike? Except, it would have been much easier if she could have just seen them maybe one at a time.

Through bulletproof glass.

While standing in a ray of sunshine.

On top of a dunk tank filled with Holy water.

And holding a crossbow.

Oh well. She was here. May as well make the most out of it.

Sidling against the wall, she took in everyone. The vamps were dressed in their finery, which typically consisted of leather, leather, and more leather. Or old-fashioned outfits with lots of velvet and ruffles. Both styles would have been ridiculed by Joan Rivers.

Well, maybe. Knowing Joan and her refusal to age, she probably would have sucked up to the vamps by calling their outfits to die for, just so they would turn her and she’d be young forever.

Hee. To die for. Gosh, she was funny tonight.

Anyways, back to work.

In the center of the room was Jean-Claude, wearing an outrageous blue velvet jacket, and next to him was one of the most beautiful men she had ever seen. Ice cold blue eyes, porcelain features, and gorgeous long blond locks that she would kill for. That definitely must be Asher, the second in command.

Glued to Jean-Claude’s side was the petite brunette that Dawn recognized as Anita Blake. She was dressed in a low-necked halter dress and too high heels. They were chatting amicably with a tall male vampire and a human woman (although she moved with such slinkiness she was probably a shifter) that Dawn didn’t recognize.

Visitors, maybe?

Sadly, there was no sign of Spike at all. Dammit! Had she been wrong?

Jean-Claude clapped his hands and all heads turned towards him, even Dawn’s.

“Allow me to formally welcome you to the dinner celebrating the arrival of the Master of Las Vegas, Max, and his lovely wife Bibiana, to St. Louis. Friends, we look forward to furthering our relationship during your visit.”

Max, the tall vampire beside Jean-Claude, nodded his head. “Thank you, my dear Jean-Claude. After the most generous help you lent us recently, we are most pleased to further get to know you and our Kiss. I trust that our relationship will strengthen over time as we share our resources.”

A smattering of polite applause went up. Dawn doubted vamps ever got very rowdy, the old ones were so damn prim and proper.

“For our entertainment tonight,” Jean-Claude went on in his silky voice, “we have a bevy of presentations. Tonight, we will begin with introducing an infamous vampire with a powerful gift; we are extremely humbled that he has chosen to join my Kiss. Allow me to introduce the one known as Spike.”

Dawn’s eyes widened and her thoughts sped in a million different directions.

Spike was here - yay! Spike chose to be there - nay for sure. What the hell was going on?

Spike sauntered out as he sneered at the crowd. Clad in black leather pants, a white tee, and a duster that looked a lot like his last, he looked extremely intimidating. A small bit of dread grew in her stomach that maybe, just maybe, Spike didn’t need rescuing at all. Maybe he *had* turned evil.

“As you may know, we are very fortunate that St. Louis is a well-run city. However, occasionally we will have to deal with an insolent vampire, who refuses to conform to the rules we have established. Behold!” He raised his hand towards another door where two dark-haired vampires with a strong resemblance to each other pushed out an emaciated male vampire who viewed the crowd with disdain. “This one, known as Dexter, is sentenced to die for insulting me and attempting to kill my Human Servant. He will be executed by Spike.”

Spike grinned like a kid on Christmas morning. ‘Okay,‘ she thought. ‘He isn't acting like a prisoner.‘

Dexter was thrown on the floor and he stared up pleadingly at Spike. “Please, don’t,” he whispered.

“Aw, blimey, mate. It's hard to kill ya when you’re on your knees.”

“Good, then don’t,” Dexter retorted, a gleam of hope in his eyes at Spike's words.

“I said it was hard, not impossible.”

Smiling, Spike lifted his arms and pointed them at Dexter. A harsh red glow covered Spike’s body and suddenly fire as bright as the sun flamed from the tips of his fingers. It hit Dexter with such a force that he screamed like a banshee and tried in vain to beat the magical flames out, but to no avail. Within a minute, he was nothing more than dust.

The audience looked on in awe and gave up an appreciative cheer. Dawn, though, was shocked.

When the hell did Spike get a smiting power? She had to get out of here, this was insane! She started to walk back to the door when her toe hit something and she fell forward. Sadly, in her way was a Greco-Roman statue that crashed to the floor with her.

At the noise, every single pair of supernatural eyes were on her. She could suddenly relate to what a turkey on a farm must feel on Thanksgiving Eve.

“What was that?” Jean-Claude said in an icy voice. “Do we have an intruder?”

Within a second, those two-related looking vamps had rushed towards her, grabbing at the air. She began crawling backwards when one grabbed her hair and tugged. She gasped and within the next second, the two had taken hold of both her arms.

“Well, well, well. What do we have here? Is there a ghost haunting us?” he asked with a bemused smile.

Anita stepped forward. “No, I would feel it if the creature were dead.”

“Wicked? Truth?” Jean-Claude asked.

One sniffed and the other one felt her up. “Hey!” she exclaimed in outrage.

“She has no scent,” said one

“But this is clearly a woman,” said the other.

“Most likely a witch,” mused the Asher.

“Lock her up,” demanded Jean-Claude. “We’ll deal with her after the pleasantries of the night.”

She struggled against Wicked and Truth’s harsh hold.

“Let me go!” she screamed. As they dragged her out of the room, she went for a last ditch attempt. “Spike! Help me!”

Peering over her shoulder, she saw him gazing in her direction while Jean-Claude and his crew looked at Spike in shock.

“Wait,” ordered Jean-Claude. “Spike, do you know this woman?”

Spike was silent for a moment before he answered with a cocky laugh. “Bollocks, mate. I can’t bloody see or smell the girl, so how am I supposed to know who she is?”

“Fine then. Take her away. In fact, put her with the other prisoner. And have Valentina guard them,” he smiled slyly.

“What? You know you can’t trust that psycho Mrs. Chucky doll with a human!” Spike shouted appallingly.

Jean-Claude shrugged gracefully. “What does it matter, if you don’t know her?”

Then Wicked and Truth dragged Dawn off, as she stared back at Spike in stunned disbelief.


“Nooo fucking way,” Faith exclaimed. “I know the music is pretty loud up here, but did you just say you were a stripper?”

Jason grinned wickedly. “Yep. In fact, if you play your cards right, maybe you’ll get a special preview.

She leaned towards him, one hand on the balcony banister and one on his shoulder. “Baby, I’m a natural card shark.” She gave him a sly wink and his grin got bigger. “So how did you get a spot working here, anyways? This place is pretty exclusive to work at, right?”

“Yeah, but Jean-Claude owns it and he knows me.”

“Really?” she asked with a raised brow.

He blushed. “Well, he doesn’t quite know me like that, but I am rather indispensable to him.”

“My, my. That has to be scary, to work with all these vampires.”

He shrugged, but Faith could tell he was really enjoying the attention. “It’s not scary for me, I’m pretty tough.”

Her hand trailed from his shoulder to his bicep and she squeezed softly.

“I bet you are," she agreed with a sultry grin. "But aren’t the vampires ever kind of creepy? I mean, they are wicked old and mean. This girl at work told me she met this blond haired British vampire with a weird name like Spock who said he was almost 200 years old! And he boasted about killing a couple vampire slayers to her and he had acted all big and bad.”

“Yeah, a lot of them like to talk big. A British one? If he was blond, then she was probably talking about Spike, but I never heard him boast about killing slayers. He’s pretty funny, but a regular asshole if he doesn‘t like you.”

Faith nodded and tried to sustain her enthusiasm. “Yeah, Spike. That was it. My girl was interested in hooking up with him again, where does he stay at?”

“Oh, he stays with all the other vampires.” He leaned in conspiratorially. “Of course, I can’t tell you the location because it's top secret.”

Faith swayed her body to and fro along to the beat of the music and rubbed herself against Jason’s lower body. “Mmm, you must be quite the powerful man to be know a secret like that.”

“Oh yeah,” he moaned as he danced closer to her.

“It would make me so hot to actually be in a vampire’s lair. I can just imagine me and you, naked, in the middle of their spot. It would be so hot for you to have your way with me, knowing danger is right around the corner.”

“Oh, yeah.” His breath was becoming more shorter while something else was becoming longer.

Oh yeah, herself. Faith grinned – she was gonna get into the vampire lair! She looked down towards her friends and shot them a thumbs up.

How strange was it that, five years ago, she never would have considered them her friends? Well, actually, Andrew was pushing it, but he was still part of the posse. As her eyes traveled from them back towards Jason, she saw that red haired vampire again.

Damian was dancing slowly with a blond human that mimicked his every move. With his hand, he beckoned her closer and Faith could see that the girl was spellbound, and not in a fairy tale, love at first sight, way. He took her hand, kissed the top of it, and then kissed her wrist. Except it was the fangy kind of kiss.

Dammit! Faith was so close to sneaking in but there was no way she was gonna let some evil vamp suck down a human. It was one thing for those little fangbangers to offer themselves but it was another thing totally for a vampire to use that mind control crap.

“Sorry, Jason. It’s been fun. But your friend is sucking down that girl. See ya later.”

Giving her a flabbergasted look, his eyes roved over the dance floor. Faith grabbed the railing and flipped down towards Damian.

“This buffet line is closed, leech. Remember, mind control is illegal, you blood sucking Ginger.”

His head shot up and she saw drops of blood hanging off his lips. He gave her an annoyed look as he pushed the girl away. “Go away, little girl. Leave me be.”

Faith stroked her chin thoughtfully. “Hmm. Gallup just did a poll and 99% of people responded that I should kill you. Who am I to argue with popular opinion?”

Yanking out her cross, she gave him a fierce kick to the solar plexus as he hissed.


Meanwhile, in another corner of the bar, Xander looked up from the sudden lack of music. “What’s going on?”

Willow spotted her first and sighed. “Faith.”

“Aw, she ruined our secret cover,” Andrew whined.

“Dammit. The cavalry’s coming out and I don’t think it’s ours. We have to help her,” Xander said urgently.


“Stop this!” cried out a long haired vampire. “What’s going on here?”

“She’s a Slayer!” Damian cried right before Faith choke-slammed him.

“And you’re dust!” she cried as she drove a silver stake into his heart. There was a resounding gasp from the crowd around them watching as she did so.

Looking up, she smiled nervously. “Listen, he mind controlled a girl to feed off of. Not my fault he got a death sentence.”

The stripper with the ankle-length hair that had performed earlier was staring at Damian’s body and he began screaming. His body crumpled to the floor and he clutched his heart as if he were in severe pain.

“Kill her,” cried one of the vamps.

“But I paid your stupid ten dollar cover!” Faith complained as she ducked a punch and delivered a kick to another one. Nearby, she heard Xander grunting and Andrew doing his creepy battle cry so she knew she had back-up. But there were way too many of them.

“Will! Some help here!” she yelled.

Willow’s chanting rose up and with it, a swift wind that pushed back the bad guys.

“Run!” she cried.

The four of them began running only to meet up with some werewolf bouncers at the front door. More fighting broke out as they struggled to get out. One of the werewolves grabbed Willow and threw her against a wall, and she lost consciousness. Xander picked her up and began carrying her out as Faith battled to free up the way. But as they got closer to the door, Faith saw Andrew being grabbed.

“Andrew!” she cried.

“Get out of here! Save yourselves!” he yelled in his most dramatic voice, even as he threw himself backwards against his captor, causing the two of them to fall in front of the group trying to get out the door and after the other Scoobies.

Fuck. Should she leave the dweeb? She didn’t have to answer that question because one of the dudes kicked her clear out of the door and she landed on her back. Xander pulled up in their rental car.

“Get in, Faith!”

“But Andrew-”

“We can’t help him now. We’re way outnumbered and armed with only a couple stakes and crosses. We’ll come back for him.”

“All right,” she resigned as she threw herself into the front seat.

They quickly peeled out of there and left angry howls in their wake.




Quick question: If anyone would be interested in making fanart for this story, I would love to look at prettying up this story with it! LOL... I'm not artistic so I have no suggestions but I just like fun pictures!

On to the Recap:

Who do you think is Giles’ contact? I’ll give 10 cookies to whoever correctly guesses!

Dawn is being taken to Valentina… Hmmm… Wonder what shall happen to her? (teehee; Dawn taken prisoner= Must be Tuesday!)

Spike’s got a BAMF power, to be explained next… But I bet you smart cookies have guessed why already.

Andrew’s been captured… How long until he drives the vampires of St. Louis insane? LOL.

And finally… Faith killed Damian… *winces at angry Damian fans who are yelling*. I’ll tell ya why I killed him:

*He’s ANNOYING (“omg, Anita, I so just want to have sex with you soooo bad blah blah blah”)
*SUPER EMO (“Oh boo, Anita I’m so sad because I sleep in your basement and how can I have sex with hot fangbangers if my crib is so lame”)
*He’s a FREAKING GINGER: We all know (if you enjoy South Park that is) that Gingers are the lowest of life forms
(ok, my dear red-headed readers, I am just kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiding! Haha)
*He’s CREEPY- at one point the did try to take blood by bewitching a girl, so yeah. Creeper.
*And finally because it screws up Anita’s power base… she loses his calming ability and such.

*****FYI: Just to let you know I’ve finished with my chapter outlines and me thinks this will be about 12ish chapters, including the Epilogue. So we’re halfway done! Woo! Thanks to EVERYONE for reading/tracking/ and ESPECIALLY REVIEWING! Your reviews are DEFINITELY helping me shape the course of some story parts, especially outcomes for naughty AB people ;) So keep ‘em coming!

*********** AND… I think you are especially going to love something I thought of at 2am last night to happen to Anita in the last chapter. Trust me. You will LOVE it. *cackles evily and strokes Mr. Biggelsworth*
Next Chapter
StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking