40 things Buffy Summers is not allowed to do
Author's Note: I found this on my ff.net and decided to post it here, I'm not sure how funny it is but I giggled reading it again. Set in s8.
A not-so-vague Disclaimer: Whedon is God, I'm just playing with his world. I do not own any fandoms mentioned in this list.
Buffy pulled her headphones out of her ears as she walked through her bedroom door. On the floor there was a folded sheet of paper, she opened it and rolled her eyes when she read the title.
40 Things Buffy Summers is not Allowed to Do
Written by Rupert Giles, with help from Willow Rosenberg, Dawn Summers and Alexander Harris
Take out life insurance policies on the new slayers… even if the new council needs all the money they can get… even if she needs a new pair of boots
Say “owned” after staking a vampire.
Or “he/she lost the game”
Or shout “burn” whenever a new slayer hits something
Claim to be a natural blonde… We’ve all seen her roots and we are not oblivious to the fact that she changes shades every couple of weeks.
Check Willow’s arm for the Dark Mark anytime the red-head gets snippy.
Shout “Avada Kedavra” when attacking a demon… even if it makes the new slayers laugh
Furthermore, teaching them to pun should not take up the hour that should be used for weapons training.
Drive. Anywhere. Even if Dawn’s stabbed herself with a crossbow bolt, she would feel much safer if she was with a competent driver.
Start a conversation with Andrew about any cult film or TV show. And no, we don’t care how long she spent on the internet researching just to bait Andrew.
Have sex with Angel… For the leather pants wrongness alone
Talk about Spike in front of the new slayers (and Dawn)… the slight drooling is just creepy
Drink coffee. Especially with Xander. Or Willow. Actually, it would be best if all Scoobies avoided coffee altogether.
The fact that a coat has pockets that would fit weapons does not justify buying it with the new council credit card.
Ask Giles how many prostitutes he killed in his ‘Ripper days’… what was once funny is now tasteless and does not inspire trust in his authority.
Call anyone with no supernatural roots a muggle
Furthermore, Buffy should not refer to any of one Alexander Harris’ sexual partners as ‘mugglefuckers’, no matter how much it makes her laugh.
Refer to Watchers as ‘voyeurs’, it’s just tasteless
Capitalize on Xander’s new-found status as (and I quote from a new slayer) “a major hottie” and sell copies of the key to his bathroom to the new slayers.
Write any messages in blood on the walls… Especially if they are a reference to the Harry Potter series… In fact, all talk about the Harry Potter series is banned. Especially any talk about “cute Slytherins”.
Go through the new slayers’ personal belongings looking for chocolate…. Anything one finds in the new slayer’s personal belongings is personal, not something to be bought up in the cafeteria.
Telling new slayers that a bezoar will cure skin problems is not funny, nor is giving them a graphic description of what a bezoar is and where it comes from when they’ve put them in their mouths.
Humming the score for any Lord of the Rings film is not appropriate during battle. In fact, trying to fight anything while humming a song and trying to hit on the beat is risky and should not be done around the new slayers.
Refer to Rupert Giles as her ‘sugar daddy’… even when he’s giving her a council credit card… especially in front of impressionable minds.
Say “well that’s just your opinion” when told a prophecy
Give the answer “cruising for dates” when asked why she’s going to a demon bar. Even if she is cruising for dates. Also, if that’s the case, she should not bring her dates home, or walk through the training yard the next morning still drunk and wearing her clothes back-to-front.
No matter how natural it may seem, Buffy Summers must not make kitty noises when playing with Miss Kitty 2nd around the new slayers. What we see as funny, they see as possession.
Play truth or dare with the new slayers. It is not a morale-boosting exercise and is dangerous when combined with superpowers.
Refer to the cafeteria and maintenance staff as house elves… even if some of them are of elf descent.
Tumble over the banisters when walking downstairs, just to make anyone without slayer powers jealous.
Refer to Willow as ‘the fire-crotch’… It wasn’t funny when Paris Hilton said it and it’s not funny when Buffy Summers says it
Teach the new slayers that witches melt when they have water poured over them.
Encourage them to test this with Super Soakers when Willow’s around
Even if it could be argued that super soakers filled with holy water would be useful weapons.
Pay vampires to kill Stephanie Meyer… even if everyone secretly wants it to happen.
Tell the new slayers that Twilight “just needs to get some”
Refer to Dracula as “My Homeboy”… Or to Xander as “the Harry to Dracula’s Snape” and walk away laughing when nobody gets it.
Working from this point, using the council computer system to read adult-rated slash fanfiction is not appropriate. Especially when in the public computer lab with new slayers reading over your shoulder.
While it’s understandable that it’s concerning to you, holding the scythe to the throats any of Dawn’s dates is inappropriate and you must remember that she is an adult. Though it would be a good idea to casually press a cross to their skin, just to make sure.
Play ‘Only The Good Die Young’ during training sessions.