Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this fic.
Parody of Comalies
Author notes: I was in a silly mood…so hope you find it at least a little amusing. Lol
(Camera zooms in on Buffy, lying peacefully curled up in her dorm room bed, slight snores interrupting the stillness of the moment. The phone rings; Buffy jerks as if she’s been electrocuted, screams, then picks up the phone and yells)
Buffy: Just because Slayers don’t need as much sleep as normal humans doesn’t mean we don’t LIKE to have it! I only had sex ONE TIME almost two years ago- SLEEP IS ALL I HAVE LEFT TO SUSTAIN ME!!! What…Oh, Giles…uh…I didn’t say sex! I never think of sex! I have no needs- no desires- no- (cuts off, listens intently) What? Faith is going to die a slow torturous death of starvation because the Council is a bunch of heartless bastards who really need to all be blown up, perhaps in three years time? NOOOO! We cannot let this happen! Let’s go break her out of the hospital and use sci fi equipment to send me into her mind so I can wake her up from her coma, RIGHT NOW!!!
(she hangs up and hops into her car, mowing down several old ladies and teenagers on skateboards on the way; she is of course too involved in her own inner monologue to notice or care)
Buffy: (while driving) I’m saving Faith because it’s the right thing to do. That’s why. The only reason. Not because I feel guilty or because I did something wrong. No, I was right. I’m always right. I’m Buffy the righteous. I was right to stab her so deeply in the stomach with a very sharp curved knife that she probably will never be able to have children and hasn’t been able to wake up from a coma in months. Really, I was right to do that, there was no other way. Plus I don’t like her, and I don’t think she’s hot. That is SO totally why I’m going to save her life. Really.
(camera cuts to hospital, pans over each character as they speak solemnly)
Giles: I feel vaguely guilty for not being an adequate Watcher to Faith and for not being enough of a decent person to try to give her the least bit of attention or support or to make sure that her basic needs were met, so I will try to save her now that she is comatose and unable to do anything to hurt me.
Willow: I’m jealous of Faith and secretly gay, and very possessive of my bestest friend Buffy, who makes me cool by association. So I am totally not going to give Faith a chance and I am only doing this because Buffy wants me to… and…well, she looks kinda pitiful. But she deserves it, the selfish little witch. The bad kind of witch, I mean, not the good kind like me.
Xander: I’m still kinda terrified of Faith…because…well, she tried to kill me. She’s evil…but I trust Buffy, especially since I still have a little bit of a crush on both of them. What can I say? They’re hot chicks with super powers!
(camera cuts to hospital, zooms in slowly on Faith, scanning over her body. She looks sad and pathetic)
Everyone: (in hushed voices and with wide eyes) She looks so sad and pathetic…
(chaos resumes in breaking Faith out; as they drive away in the car, everyone narrates)
Giles: Much action has occurred for the purpose of tension and excitement in the plot.
Xander: I’m tense and excited.
Buffy: That’s because I’m totally cuddling poor, pitiful, comatose-but-still-hot Faith in the back of the car.
Willow: Get a room!
Xander: Please don’t!
(camera cuts to Catherine and Miriam’s sci-fi room. Buffy and Faith are hooked up to a lot of sci fi equipment so Buffy can be transported into Faith’s mind. Giles, Catherine, and Miriam speak)
Miriam: Catherine and I are serious, but kind and concerned. We talk a lot of scientific mumbo jumbo that sounds good but was made up on the spot.
Catherine: I look exactly like Jennifer Lopez. Oh wait, am I Jennifer Lopez?
Giles: Catherine is very attractive…I feel very awkward. Does she find me attractive? Does she think I’m a fuddy-duddy? Maybe she thinks I’m a SEXY fuddy-duddy… oh yes, the girls… right, I am quite worried…
(shifts to inside Faith’s mind: Faiths, ages 3, 5, 7, 9, 12, 14, and 17 all line up in a row and stare at a round-eyed stunned Buffy)
All the Faiths in unison: We are pitiful, abused, and angry. No one loves us and you should feel very sad and guilty because we had such a horrible life.
Buffy: (sad and guilty, bursts into tears) Oh my god, I’m so sorry! You were cute and you didn’t deserve this, and now I think I understand you even though I really don’t and never will because I’ve lived such a charmed life in comparison even if my life sucks too!
Faith’s Mom and Boyfriend: (showing up too) We are evil and abusive.
Buffy: (enraged) YOU SHOULD DIE!!! (pummels them mercilessly, then stops and frowns) Wait…you are dead.
(camera cuts back to sci fi room)
Giles: Buffy and Faith are crying. Is this a problem?
Catherine: No, it just means that they are in unspeakable mental and emotional pain and that Buffy is starting to think that what’s happening inside Faith’s mind is real, which could kill her. Nothing to worry about. Did I mention that you’re a sexy fuddy-duddy?
(camera cuts to Buffy and twelve-year-old Faith standing in the alley; Faith is yelling)
Faith: You think you know about me now? OH YEAH?!
(she sends further images of her life and feelings into Buffy; Buffy cringes and cries)
Buffy: Nooo, I can’t take it… she really does love me? Do I love her? God, it hurts, send me back, even though I don’t want to really and I’m just weak right now!
(she appears in the sci fi room and promptly starts kicking and screaming)
Buffy: NO, SEND ME BACK AGAIN, THAT ISN’T WHAT I WANTED!!!
Miriam: Uh, yes it was…
Catherine: That’s what you asked for, and besides, you might die-
Buffy: I don’t care, SEND ME BACK!!!
Giles: (covering his ears) Yes, please do before she hits us.
(camera cuts to Buffy and Faith in Faith’s mind; they are standing in the alley where Faith killed Finch, but there is only a white spray painted outline where his body should be.)
Faith: (crying hard but still, of course, sexy and beautiful) I killed him and now I want to die! I have to hide this by showing rage and being tough because I was afraid no one would understand or care enough to help! No one ever helps me or understands, and I love you but you’ll never love me! I’m so bad and I hurt so much!
Buffy: No you’re not! Let me kiss you now, that’s a great idea…it won’t make you even more confused or upset or anything! Kissing, yep, that’s-
(kisses Faith, and is promptly yanked back into the sci fi room)
Buffy: WHAT THE HELL, I HAVEN’T HAD SEX IN TWO YEARS, AND YOU STOP MAKING ME KISS THE GIRL I’VE BEEN SECRETLY LUSTING OVER FROM THE MOMENT I SAW HER?! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!
(attempts to murder but then crumples to the floor sobbing after one step)
Buffy: She’s going to die and I finally am smart enough to realize I love her…god my life sucks…and that’s not even a pun…
Faith: WHAT?! YOUR life sucks?! Do you even remember ONE thing from what you saw in my head?! Stop crying, you wuss!
Buffy: FAITH!!! (ecstastic hugs, Faith turns away when she tries to kiss her)
Faith: No. I’m embarrassed that you saw me like that and I still think I’m evil, and I’m very confused. So no kisses for you. However, I’m very weak since you stuck a knife in my gut and made me lay flat on my back for so long, so you’re going to have to carry me everywhere I go and sleep in the same bed with me and even take me to the bathroom. Nice way to increase the sexual tension between us, huh? And remember, no kissing.
Buffy: (eyes wide, dramatic wail) Whatever will happen now?!