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Santa Baby

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Summary: Buffy and Angel characters' letters to Santa.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > ComedyMediancatFR1351,2171263,1632 Dec 093 Dec 09Yes

Santa Baby

Disclaimer: Harmony was created by Joss Whedon.


Dear Santa,

Well, I've been a good girl again this year - well, if you take away those people I killed. But the way I see it is, a girl has to eat, right? And I was really hungry and I didn't like having to do it - it was all gross. So that means they don't really count, right?

I knew you'd see it my way!

Anyway, since I've been extra-majorly good, I have an extra-long list of what I'd like this year. So please be real careful, because I wouldn't want any of them to get broken during shipping. So here's my list:

Minions. Six or so. I know I already got some last year, but as minions they were really sucky. I mean, after only a couple of weeks they turned on me and tried to ruin all of my plans. And they were good plans! Though they did bring me unicorns.

So what I'm thinking is, big, dumb, and hunky. And generous. And rich would be nice, though can they take it with them? Anyway, you get the idea. I'm talking the Brendan Frasers of the vampire world. Maybe even Brendan Fraser.

Actually, just make him a separate item. (Surely you concede I deserve him.)

Next, I'd like some clothes. None of that low-rent stuff, like from the Gap or Fashion Bug or anything. Not Sears or Penney's either. No, I want custom fit. I want Frederick's of Hollywood, okay? I'm talking Victoria's Secret on the low end of the scale. A complete wardrobe would be nice.

Next, unicorns! Real ones, if you can, I know they're out there. And none of that stuff them only liking virgins, because face it if that's the case, frankly I'm screwed. Stuffed ones, ceramic ones, marble, gold, ivory, anything but wood. I'm kind of allergic and I don't want to accidentally back into them. Or be forced into them by any nasty Slayers.

Oh! While I'm at it, maybe get rid of Slayers and people who want to kill me for a while? Or just make sure they don't come near me? Thanks, Santa baby, you're a sweetie.

I'd also like a nice supply of blood. And a refrigerator to put it in so it doesn't spoil for a while. That way I wouldn't have to do any of that killing. Not that I can't do it, but watching people's kidneys squirt out while I eat takes a lot out of the appetite. It's gross and icky. If you can't arrange the blood supply, maybe you could arrange it so people didn't squoosh quite so much? Just a thought.

And finally, I think I'd like some friends. People I can count on, people who won't try to kill me or hurt me. People who'll trust me.

I mean, I know I've had trouble with that in the past, but that's just me, you know? Yeah, I ate people, and yeah, I screwed over Spike and Cordelia, but that's just the kind of girl I am, you know? We're always told to be true to ourselves and that's what I am. All evil, you know. But that still doesn't mean I'm not good, or don't deserve friends, right?


So make them good and true and loyal and willing to help me when I'm down. Just like Cordy, okay? Except maybe they should be vampires so they won't be all grossed out by the blood and stuff. And they wouldn't mind me being me.

Anyway, there's my list. Hope to see you soon.

Love and XXXXXX,

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