Disclaimer: I do not own Anita Blake or the alternate St. Louis the majority of the series takes place in. I do not own Xander Harris or the Buffyverse he came from. Anita was created by Laurell K. Hamilton and Xander Harris belongs to Joss Whedon. This is a piece of fan fiction and is not intended to be published for profit.
AN: Figured I would dust this one off and try to work on it some more. Chapter is a little short with not much plot but it's workable.
Considering the latest book was a bunch of 'talks' and about ten minutes worth of actual story I figure I'm in the clear.
“You know the rule, clothing isn't optional in the kitchen.” Anita said as she continued to focus on her newspaper.
“Sorry.” Xander said as he continued filling the ice pack he'd gotten from his first aid kit. “I've hit a bit of snag with Claudia.”
“Don't even want to know.” Anita sing-songed as she focused on the classifieds.
“You probably don't. Thankfully, the penile fracture has already healed.” Xander with a content sigh as he applied said ice pack to his crotch. “Let's just say the two of us can't do the Vigorous Susan without risk of injury.”
“Lubrication is your friend.” Anita said with a sigh. “You know that as well as I do.”
“That... wasn't the problem.” Xander told her. “Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go reassure the girl that it's fine and not a one night stand.”
“Whatever. The sex got a little dangerous.” Anita snorted before grinning. “No reason to get all bent out of shape about it.”
“Ha. Ha.” Xander said while he gave his sister the bird with his free hand as he walked back towards his room.
“Still got it.” Anita grinned as she circled the ad for a police auction. “New used car, here I come!”
The next week....
“So you went and found a car that's identical to the one we already own?” Xander asked Anita as he stared at the Chevy Nova she'd pulled up in.
“They're not identical. This one is black, not brown.” Anita told him. “Plus it has less mileage.”
“Our car is black. It just hasn't been washed in a couple of years.” Xander reminded her as he looked at the odometer. “Seriously? Five thousand miles difference? These two could have been made right after each other on the assembly lines.”
“Well.... shit.” Anita said as she looked more closely at the two cars. “Personalized license plates?”
“Either that or one of us gets some fuzzy dice.” Xander said with a shrug.
“Ro Sham Bo for it?” Anita offered.
“You're on sister!” Xander grinned.
Star Lanes.... later that week....
“You know, I could have sworn I asked you to fuck her, not date her.” Rafael said as he lined up his ball.
“Do you have a problem with me dating one of yours?” Xander asked. “I can stop, but if I do I seriously see it affecting our friendship here Rafael.”
“I'm not objecting to you dating Claudia, Xander. That isn't the problem.” Rafael said as he sent his ball down the lane, barely salvaging his prior 7-10 split. “She's happy. So happy it's kind of creeping the other Mercs out.”
“Creepy kind of smile and a twinkle in her eye?” Xander asked.
“More like humming while she cleans her weapons and giggling softly to herself.” Rafael told him. “Did she really break your penis?”
“Temporarily.” Xander admitted. “Never attempt a Lazy or Vigorous Susan with someone physically larger than you. It's all kinds of risky.”
“I don't even know what that is.” Rafael admitted.
“Right.” Xander said with a nod. “I'm somehow not surprised by that.” He shook his head before explaining what exactly had happened.
“You do that kind of stuff often?” Rafael asked.
“Nah. That's beginning stuff.” Xander told him. “Trust me, you don't even want to know what a 'Rusty Venture' is.” Xander said with a shudder. “Even if I heard one of the wrong versions...just eww.”
“I don't want to know do I?” Rafael asked.
“No. No you don't. Never ask what a snake venom or a double frogman is either.” Xander said softly as he stared off in the distance. “The Horror....”
“Okay, that's enough of that.” Rafael said with a shake of his head. “What's this about you calling her Barda?”
“Considering her looks and size, how can I not?” Xander asked. “Big Barda, giant warrior woman in DC Comics?”
Rafael just stared at him.
“I really need to find some nerd friends.” Xander sighed. “Go to any local comic book shop and ask. I'm not going to explain it.”
“I'll do that.” Rafael said with a nod. “Now bowl you broken dicked bastard.”
Xander snarled and threw his ball down the lane causing it to break two of the pins as he rolled a strike. “It healed already. I told you that!”
“Dammit!” Anita said as she tried her keys in the car door. “This is the third time this week!”
Xander snorted as he hit the remote on his alarm system causing the car his sister was trying to enter to chirp.
“Okay. I'm getting my car painted a different color.” Anita muttered.
“If that's what you want.” Xander grinned.
“Oh sit on it.” Anita sighed.
A week later....
“Paperwork is in.” Xander said as he flipped through the mail and handed his sister a large envelope. “We can now officially execute vampires.”
“Awesome. That means we can continue consulting with the police.” Anita said as she ripped open her envelope.
“Besides homicide.” Xander groused. “Bunch of whiny bastards wanting us to tell them who killed their victims.”
“Next time don't point out the ghost in the room.” Anita shrugged. “Of course since they know we can interact with the ghosts and souls before they pass on they want us at practically every scene they can get us at. Especially since raised zombies of trauma victims are... twitchy.”
“It's a good thing Bert charges per crime scene.” Xander grinned. “If he didn't we'd still be paying off the house.”
“I still wish he didn't take such a big cut of the pay.” Anita muttered. “Greedy bastard.”
“Greedy bastard that helps us make a lot of money.” Xander said with a shake of his head. “We're not exactly hurting.”
“Fair point. Have you gotten the specialty ammo in yet?” Anita asked.
“Nah.” Xander said with a shake of his head. “Silver rounds are still pretty hard to come by since vamps went legal. Everyone and their uncle started buying it after the ruling. I've got some leads but I may have to pay Rafael's people to manufacture some.”
“Jesus. Is he Mafia or what?” Anita asked.
“Nah, he just knows some guys.” Xander grinned. “Don't worry about it. I'll get the rounds and maybe some for the force as well.”
“All right. Now... about Claudia....” Anita started.
“Not you too!” Xander groaned.
“Couldn't you have started dating someone a little shorter?” Anita asked. “I mean... the height difference between the two of you is almost the same as the difference between the two of us. I kind of have to be friends with her since you're doing the nasty on the regular, It's weird being around her in public.”
“Someone has a case of the Hamburglars!” Xander declared before giving his sister a noogie.
“You're dating a giant!” Anita said before she stomped on his foot. “She's an amazon!”
“She has two boobs! She's not an amazon!” Xander yelled.
“No, she has three since she's got you!” Anita declared.
“What are we doing?” Xander said after a beat.
“Reverting to type?” Anita ventured.
“The height thing is really an issue with you?” Xander asked her.
“I could hollow out her torso and control her body from the inside like a freaky meat puppet.” Anita said. “The scary part is, I could probably actually do that if I put some thought into it.”
“I'm still gonna keep dating her.” Xander told her. “She's funny, wicked in bed now that she isn't scared of losing control and she's the best gym buddy I've ever had.”
“Didn't you two get kicked out of the gym you joined for having sex in the locker room?” Anita asked.
“See? Best Gym Buddy Ever!” Xander declared. “I don't care if she's over half a foot taller than me, I don't care that when we sleep and I mean actually sleep together I end up on top. I know she's completely different from just about everyone I've ever dated before but she makes me happy.”
“You're just saying that because she likes 'Hudson Hawk'.” Anita snarked.
“Only because that is one of the best movies ever made!” Xander argued. “How can you still not see that?”
“I really need to make some female friends in this town.” Anita muttered as she rubbed her face with her hands. “You know this was our first real fight in a long time.”
“Yeah. It was.” Xander admitted. “Chocolate covered coffee beans?” He offered.
“Two bags.” Anita told him, causing her brother to raise an eyebrow before sniffing the air.
“Seriously?” Xander said. “Oh, you are so staying in the warded house this week.”
“Three bags of then.” Anita said.
“Just as long as you don't tell the folks at work what happened to my penis. I really don't need that floating around the office.” Xander argued.
“Only If you let me start using that flame thing you've been working on.” Anita said. “You know fire doesn't work well with you.”
“You just want to use it on the Ghouls don't you?” Xander asked her.
“Bert told me he's pretty close to getting the contract from the city to eliminate them. I'd rather trust a magic doohickey you made than either of us with a flamethrower.” Anita told him.
Xander idly remembered the 'small' fire they'd started the last time either one of them actually handled a flamethrower. She had a point.
“Fine.” He conceded “Only if we test it safely first.”
“Of course.” Anita nodded. “Now go get me those coffee beans or I'll make this week hell for you.”
“And, I'm gone.” Xander said before heading for the front door.
Anita grinned. Candy and some special gloves were coming her way. All because of Aunt Flo. “Now I know I need some female friends. I just used my period to blackmail my brother.” She said to herself before smiling softly.
“Maybe next time, I'll get him to buy me some tampons.” She grinned. “Or he could pick me up some when he goes on a run for Claudia. Yeah. That's the ticket....."