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Liquid Courage

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Summary: What happens when you take a slightly broody Xander, a drunk "Two Hands", a strawberry blonde dhamphir, and a Tomb Raider,and sassy Slayer and give them all a little too much booze, this story of course. ((BtVS/Black Lagoon/Hellsing/Tomb Raider cross))

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Xander-Centered > Pairing: Other HetTTrunksFR1545,67912911,57211 Dec 0914 Jan 10No

A vampire and four hot gun slingers run into a bar

I honestly don’t know what this is going to turn out to be, maybe we'll find out.


Xander was surprised when he woke up several hours later. Rolling over he carefully stood up as every one of his “hellmouth sensors” was going off. Popping his back he was a bit surprised when Revy, Faith, and Lara all sat up seconds later, Seras following, looking at each other Xander said, “Anybody else’s warning bells going off?”

All four of his extremely hot bed-mates nodded their heads. Xander sighed as he stood up he was surprised to see a commando-esk uniform laying on the nearby table as well as changes of clothes for the women. Mentally remembering to thank the butler he said, “I call the shower first.”

He really shouldn’t have been surprised when Faith and Revy joined him soon after. Though they just showered, the sense of danger was growing especially when the lights were cut, and crimson emergency lights came on. As Xander dried off he pulled on the BDU’s black pants over his underwear as he tied the boots, he found, on tightly he then slid on a black undershirt, then a black bullet resistant vest, and the black coat pulling on gloves even as he made sure his eye patch was comfortable. He was very surprised to see an M-16 and Baretta 93R, a hell of a weapon Xander realized as he saw a pump action Ithica-37 shotgun next to it. Mentally he wondered why he was given guns but realized he might have impressed Sir Integra enough to receive the “Party favors”. Putting the gun in a side holster and the shotgun on his back as his “Soldier guy” memories told him he was too relaxed. He was a bit surprised to see Revy and Lara ignore their respective given outfits both pulling on their short shorts and tank top’s; Revy’s looked like she’d made them herself with the fabric fringes, while Lara’s looked professionally made.

However he couldn’t help but whistle as Revy pulled her custom “Cutlasses” the two handguns he knew from experience made you wonder how she could fire them with such skill even as Revy grabbed the Remington-870 Marine Magnum, looking at one of the slugs she whistled, “I’m betting these things are silver.”

Lara nodded, “I wouldn’t be surprised; Seras told us wood through the heart, or silver, would put them down and wood bullets aren’t practical.”

Looking at his second hardware obsessed wife he saw the skill at which she slid two clips home in her Heckler and Koch USP match pistols, sliding both into holster at her side, even as she hung the twin Mac-10’s she’d pulled last night in the small of her body.

Faith and Seras soon followed Faith pulling on the given clothes as easily as he had even as Seras pulled on her fresh uniform. Nodding to his wives he said, “Let’s do this then.”

The five people walked quite easily along the hallways, for a descent amount of time, just long enough for Xander to think maybe he was just being paranoid when the sound of machine gun fire reached his ears. Looking at Seras he said, “Seras, they don’t use live round fire inside do they?”

Seras shook her head, “Na' since I’ve been 'ere, and nobody’s eva' said anythin'.”

Xander nodded as he said, “Seras your in front; that cannon of yours will shred us all if we get in the way, Faith’s next to her, Lara you and Revy stay in back with me.”

Seras said, “That sounds good Xander, but I dina 'ave my Halcannon, I just ave my old P226.”

Xander swore before saying, “Okay babes new plan, I’ll head out first cover me.”

The various women nodded though Revy and Lara both seemed skeptical and Faith obviously wanted to say something. Xander slowly stepped out from the cover walking towards the long hallway. Stopping only once the sound of teeth biting flesh reached his ears. Looking at the ghouls Xander was suddenly filled with a deep burning hate as he saw one of the Hellsing soldier’s throats ripped out their life blood running down their uniform; he took a step back before pulling his handgun and firing the handgun bullet did little to the armored Ghouls but as they saw him they went for their various machine guns and lumbered towards him. Xander motioned for the girls to stay in their location as he fired blindly from behind cover. When he could practically feel the Ghouls' breath on him he turned running down the hallway even as he couldn’t help but taunt, “My bullets might not hurt you but I bet theirs will.”

Soon the various flesh devourers were following spotting Revy and Lara both crouched while Seras and Faith were standing tall they went for their guns only for the Ghouls' own numbers to limit them as perfect throat shots damaged spines and then follow up shots destroyed brains. The creatures' own guns incapable of firing without hitting the falling bodies of their “Allies” soon the twenty or so Ghouls were dispatched relatively easily. Xander looked around and said, “Let’s go get the Hellsing soldier’s guns and such, this stuff is good, but against their full body Kevlar we have no chance, you all might be crazy scary with those guns but I’m human.”

Soon the group had re-outfitted each carrying a Riot shield stolen from a ghoul, who Revy was the first to point out a well placed bullet, could pierce but the Ghouls weren’t as smart as she was. Faith and Revy had become experts at shooting a Ghoul in the ankles then using a sword to separate its head form its torso. Faith and Lara carrying two Heckler and Koch MP5k’s taken from the ghouls, Xander and Seras toting the fallen Hellsing soldier’s Colt models 733’s, while Revy had taken several 9mm clips saying, “My Cutlasses haven’t let me down yet.”

Though the group had run into three more groups of Ghouls, as much as they hated to admit it, the Ghouls fully covered Kevlar bodies made it a bitch to bring them down, and their machine guns did not help. As Revy ducked behind a wall firing blindly as she said, “I fuckin' hate these things, who the fuck is thinking for 'em?”

Xander looked at Revy as he said, “What do you mean?”

Revy looked at him, “These things are stupid, really stupid which is why we’ve been able to beat them so far, but that means someone is watching us and learning from what we’re doing, unless these things are psychic that is.”

Lara wanted to smack herself, “I’m an idiot, I knew I saw familiar tactics somewhere, a few years ago I ran into a group of Neo Nazis for a item I wanted, long story short, they used similar attack patterns small groups with a lot of fire power, luckily there were only a few dozen I ran into, but there’s a reason the Nazis took over most of the known world.”

Xander wanted to argue that point but decided against it since technically the Axis powers did control a lot of the world. Even as his mind ran through ideas he said, “Seras, can you throw Revy and Lara into the group of Ghouls?”

All three women mentioned looked at him as Seras nodded he said, “Faith, while the twin gun sisters are keeping the ghouls busy try to take out the cameras, you as well Seras.”

All of them look at him, “And what are you going to be doing?”

Xander smirked at what Revy said looking at them he said, “You four are amazing and beautiful since I’m guessing it’s a male calling the orders he won’t notice if I ditch out, I’m going to go to the room I noticed earlier it was where all the cameras and such lead, I need you four to keep whoever’s responsible for this busy by making as big a body count as you can.”

The four women looked at each other and nodded even as Seras stood out from behind cover Lara and Revy each stepping onto one of her hands where she tossed them with all her vampire strength over the crowd of Ghouls even as Xander charged in, grabbing one of the camera’s power cables and yanking it out, as Faith and Seras took out the other’s. Pulling a knife he made it look like a “Final stand.” Five minutes later and the camera Xander had pulled the cord out from came back on, until Seras shot it, but made sure a good five seconds of a bloody corpse wearing a Hellsing uniform was seen.

Meanwhile Xander moved quickly down the hallways as best he could, mentally wishing he had a better memory. Far too slowly in his opinion the Kevlar clad Zeppo snuck down the various hallways. After about twenty minutes and running into mercifully no ghouls he reached the room. However the profanity he heard soon made all of Xander’s logic go “bye-bye” faster than most would think possible.

Jan Valentine stood snarling as another monitor went to white noise saying, “Fucking dumb cunt sluts, their fucking up my whole fucking goddamned plan, I hope the fucking horny ghouls fucking rip their asses open then fucking drink from the slags' cunts.”

Xander felt the white hot rage fill him; however the four ghouls’ literally within arm’s reach stopped him from calling the fucker out. Xander was surprised the pierced profanity using vampire hadn’t sensed him probably because he was so busy ranting.

Xander pulled one of Lara’s Mac-10’s, she’d told him she’d loaded it with armor piercing rounds turning he pulled the trigger on it and on his shot gun at the same time. Even as Jan looked up and dove to the side; Xander with a single arm cocked the other shotgun before firing two more three round bursts one into each of the ghouls heads. Cocking the shotgun he jammed it into the one surviving Ghoul’s head and blew the thing’s “Brains” all over the floor. In his initial volley he’d taken out one ghoul and wounded two others, the controlled burst had ended the two wounded but the one who he’d accidentally shot was the final one to go. Turning towards Jan he said, “You’d better watch whose wives you talk about blood-sucker.”

He was a bit surprised when Jan said, dropping his guns, “OH so you the dumb fucker who’s cock hungry whores are ruining my fucking amazing awesomely fucktastic plan to fucking burn this whole goddamned cunt factory to the fucking ground?”

Xander nodded pulling his own knife, not out of some need to prove he was manly but he didn’t have any more rounds for the guns except for the half a clip for the Beretta, but he doubted that would stop this vampire for long.

Jan laughed, “Then they should fucking love it when I gut you like a pig and let my ghouls fucking eat your penis first fuck face.”

Suddenly Jan disappeared but Xander knew when a vamp was showing off relaxing he saw the glint of a blade to his right and blocked punching out HARD with his left fist. Jan backed up, “Ass sucking cunt fucker, how the fucking fuck did a cock choker like you fucking see my goddamned killing strike?”

Xander smirked, “Please vampire, I’ve fought beside and against vampires that would make a premy like you piss yourself in terror and run away.”

This seemed to anger Jan, A LOT, as he said “Fuck you, you fucking cunt smoker!”

Again Jan seemed to disappear but again Xander countered his blow this time elbowing the FREAK in the face, and grabbing a tight hold of the vampire’s lip piercings he ripped them out then jamming his own knife into the vampire’s throat before kicking the vampire in the chest HARD even as the vampire screamed his lip now half missing as Xander said, “Angelus, William the bloody, vampires that have killed more people than the bubonic plague, vampires who things like yourself aspire to be, those vampires wet themselves in sheer terror at MY name.”

Even as Jan was trying to get control of himself Xander threw a bone shattering punch into the FREAKS face grabbing him by his black hair he jammed his face HARD into an upper knee before shocking the vampire away and holding his knife he said, “And you just insulted my wives.”

The vampire looked ready to wet himself exactly as Xander had planned; since when a vampire was nervous was panicking they lost their connection to their demon lost their superior powers lost their superior reflexes, they became nothing more than soulless humans as Xander moved forward, faster than the vampire could react, Xander had cut a large amount of his stomach away.

Even as the vampire’s hands went down to hold his guts in, Xander pulled his side arm jamming it into the creature’s eye he said, “When you get to hell, tell them "The One Who Sees" sent you.”

There was no way to tell how many of the bullets went into the vampire’s brain it might have been three it might have been the entire half of the clip but as he fell and the gun clocked empty Xander saw him dissolve into ashes and laughed a bit, “Great googley moogley, I can’t believe he bought all that crap.”

Xander went to the camera’s saying into the P.A. speaker’s, “All Hellsing Organization member’s and everyone else, their leader or at least one of them is dead, ashed by yours truly, you should have an upper hand now, if you need help report in and I’ll send the Hellsinitas to help you out, but remember boys their all mine.”

Xander wasn’t surprised when calls for aid started almost immediately.


Hello all, here’s chapter four of um "Liquid Courage" that’s what it’s called. Don’t worry after the rest of this “Arc” is done we’ll get to see a bit of Lara’s life style maybe two chapters at max, I’m thinking one, and then we’ll get to see Roanpur, and maybe some other stuff.

Also, Hellsinitas is a mix of the word Hellsing and Senoritas which I’m sure someone will correct me if I’m wrong but means female in Spanish. Don’t ask me where it came from, or if it will ever be mentioned again.

Also, yeah I had Xander be a bit ruthless and such but I figure he really would be, and I figure Revy will get him to stop not cursing as much. Though Jan has always sworn like that. I may have to actually up the rating for his vocabulary.

The End?

You have reached the end of "Liquid Courage" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 14 Jan 10.

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