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Xander Askew

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Summary: When on his road trip Xander goes to visit his cousin Bob, and ends up on an "odd" adventure. Cross over with every Kevin Smith movie eventually. Rating solely for language....

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > Kevin Smith FilmsTTrunksFR1822,5490152,71913 Dec 0917 Dec 09No

A Dyke 4 guys & a comic shop with a side of nympo

Hey all, here I am, I’m doing these during my hell week, but when I gotta write I gots to write. Huge thanks for my Beta who will probably have to work hard with this chapter.


Xander looked at his cousin’s hetero life mate as if he was retarded. Looking at him he said, “Jay, Hans here could take us anywhere for lunch, ANYWHERE, and you pick not hooters, not a strip club, no, you pick a food court, I could forgive that, but A FUCKING FOOD COURT in A MALL IN JERSEY!”

Jay looked up at him, “Chill not so Silent Bob, plenty of fuckable pussy right here.”

Bob rolled his eyes as Xander looked at him shrugging. Suddenly Jay pointed at a blonde saying, “Fuck yeah I’m talking about you Titties, you want a puff of Jay’s built in bong?”

The blonde then proceeded to make random pelvic thrusts and smacking gestures as all three of the non Jay people rolled their eyes.

As Jay turned and held his first and second fingers in a V shape licking them, well Xander would call it stupidly, Xander then started to walk away. He was hungry and more than a bit bored. Sure watching Jay make an ass clown out of himself was fun for a bit but even then well that got old quick. Spotting a comic book shop he popped his knuckles and headed inside.

Looking through the store he was a bit surprised to see a man and woman sitting close together. Blinking a few times he said, “Holy hell, your Banky Edwards.”

The man nodded saying, “Why yes, yes I am, the sign above my head says that.”

Xander raised an eyebrow, “No need to be an ass bag.”

The man shrugged, “Sorry kid, everybody's just been giving me hell for that damn Bluntman and Chrinic movie, I swear if I hear that one more time I’m going to to, I don’t even know.”

The female chose this moment to speak, “Beat them to death with a hot shovel?”

Banky nodded to the high pitched blond, “Thanks Muff Queen.”

The woman rolled her eyes as Xander said, “Hey I know you, you’re that chick.”

Xander blushed lightly what he’d meant to sound cool had come out sounding stupid.

The female offered him her hand, “Alyssa Jones, pleasure to meet you?”

Xander shook her hand gently kissing the knuckles as he said, “Xander Harris pleasure to meet you gorgeous.”

Banky smirked, “Watch the teenager try to hit on the older woman, very smooth, I give you a five.”

Alyssa punched Banky in the shoulder saying, “So Xander can we sign a copy of our newest book for you?”

Xander shrugged picking it up he said, “Bluntman and Chronic Extreme, versus attack of Dominatra, hells yeah can’t hurt.”

Xander put the two fifty on the table which Banky took s both of them signed it. As Xander went to get out of the way of the almost empty table he wasn’t paying attention as he ran into a fellow comic shop customer. Apologizing Xander went to offer him his hand, before looking at Banky and then the guy, then Banky and then the guy before saying, “Sorry, just you too look crazy similar.”

Banky looked at the almost exact copy but younger version of himself and said, “Holy shit, I always knew my Mom was a cheating cunt.”

Alyssa hit him in the shoulder saying, “BANKY, be polite, oh who am I kidding.”

She had to admit she was a bit surprised to see a slightly younger version of her co Author standing across from them his mouth open his eyes wide.

Finally the “boy” spoke, “Holy shit, damn I always though TS was bullshitting when he said the Clone arc in "Spider-Man" was based on real events.”

Xander raised an eyebrow saying, “Really, a "Spider-Man" reference, I’d have gone with clone wars, oh wait we’ve already done that, never mind.”

Now three pairs of eyes were on him as Xander said, “Sorry, I had a "Deadpool" moment, so what’s up with you two.”

The younger one’s eyes widened, “Are they watching us, if they know we’ve met they’ll kill one of us.”

Immediately he went down and started crawling away as everyone watched. Alyssa smirked hitting Banky again she said, “Ha ha I always knew you were an ass man.”

Banky glared at her lightly, “Shut it Lesbatron.”

She smirked right back saying, “I bet he’s sensitive in the same places too I can just imagine it, both of you sweaty and hairy and oh oh BANKY BANKY.”

Her co-author glared saying, “Please I’m not the one who did ass to mouth with a donkey.”

Alyssa punched him in the arm again saying, “Shove it Banky, it wasn’t a donkey it was a Doberman you dumbass.”

Xander raised an eyebrow even as he was reminded of him and Willow, if he and Willow were a decade older, and were raised by perverts.

Suddenly Jay ducked into the pet shop and Xander said, “Excuse me; I’ve got to go stop tweedle dumb and my cousin from doing something stupid.”

As he moved he didn’t notice the mall security guard until they connected rather hard. Both landed hard on their butts as the mall security guard glared, “Finally GOT you BOB!”

Xander raised an eyebrow, “Um, no offense but what.”

He was yanked up and slammed into one of the walls grunting as he felt a bruise forming he felt the cop forcing his arms behind his back. He felt handcuffs and that finally pushed it too far as Xander slammed his head backwards breaking the guard’s nose even as he ran, his hands still behind his back. Spotting a semi empty elevator he called, “Hold that elevator.”

Jumping in Xander almost collapsed breathing heavily. Trying to undo the cuffs he was a built surprised to see a dark haired girl smiling at him in a lusty way. Raising an eyebrow he said, “Hello, can I help you?”

She nodded saying, “I’m doing a university study see I’m into body reactions and I’m trying to figure out first of all average male stamina, and average male size in our fair state, would you like to help me out?”

Xander shrugged figuring she wanted to measure him and have him run or something he nodded, however as she dropped to her knees he realized that wasn’t the plan at all.

Meanwhile half way across the mall the Banky clone brought his hand down hard onto one of the stalls where faint groans of “TS” could be heard. Rolling his eyes he said, “Could you two sluts get it in your pants already, I’ve got an issue.”

A few minutes later an attractive if a bit dopey boy opened the door sighing as he said, “What the fuck is your problem Brodie, you know this is our special spot.”

The man nodded, “Yeah yeah, look, I’ve got a clone, an older clone, but a clone.”

The man glared, “Dude, seriously, I don’t mess with you when you’re pounding Rene into the damn elevator wall, you can leave me the fuck alone when me and Gwen are going at it.”

The man now named Brodie nodded, “Yeah yeah man, come on you’ve got to see this.”

Xander smirked a bit at the female as the elevator pulled to a stop saying, “So miss did that help you with your statistic?”

The female nodded, “Names Trish, and yeah, by the way not sure if you know this but your bigger than average.”

Xander’s smirk became a grin as he said, “I didn’t but thanks for telling me, now I’m going to go and try and hunt down my cousin and his tit obsessed friend.”

The female nodded wiping her chin a bit even as she made sure to be hanging out by the exit Jay and Bob used most.


There you go folks, tell me what you think, Reviews are my friend…

The End?

The author is currently looking for one or more beta readers for this story. If you are interested, please email the author or leave a private review.

You have reached the end of "Xander Askew" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 17 Dec 09.

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