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Xander Askew

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Summary: When on his road trip Xander goes to visit his cousin Bob, and ends up on an "odd" adventure. Cross over with every Kevin Smith movie eventually. Rating solely for language....

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > Kevin Smith FilmsTTrunksFR1822,5490152,71913 Dec 0917 Dec 09No

2 Stoners, 2 clerks, and an Angel....

Hello all, no idea where this came from. I blame varying amounts of smoke and drink. Disclaimers at the end let me know what you think.


Xander took a hit from his cigarette as he waited in front of the quick stop for his cousin. Taking another hit he put the cigarette down on the sidewalk before grinding it out with his foot. Xander leaned against the brick wall a bored expression on his face.

Suddenly Xander saw his chunky cousin and he smiled lifting his hand, “Hey cousin Bob, Jay good to see nobody has killed you yet.”

The lanky blond his head covered by a beanie, nodded saying, “Holy shit, its little Xander, what the fuck is Tubby’s favorite cousin doing here in Jersey?”

The notorious stoner known only to those who knew him as Jay held his hand out which Xander almost automatically brought his hand to before both pushed forward making a fist to “Pound” both then returned their hands to their side as Xander said, “Nothing much Jay, nothing much, taking a trip around the states, figured I’d look up one of my favorite cousins and his hetero life mate.”

Jay smiled as did his pudgy hetero life mate. Jay and Silent Bob were easily the two most fun men to be around. Xander felt that after the way things had gone being around his favorite Yoda speaking cousin and his weird probably in the closet friend would keep his mind off of the whole more slayers thing.

Xander went to get his last Marlboro and sighed as Jay yanked it from his hand. Shaking his head he said, “I’ll be back, I’m going to grab some more cigs.”

As Xander walked in he heard the blond behind the counter say, “No fuckin way man, Han would kick Kirk’s ass, then make him lick his boots clean.”

The pudgy man shook his head, “No way you moron, fucking watch the flims, Solo’s a pussy.”

At that the blond looked about ready to bitch slap the man saying, “Say that again you pointed ear sucking son of a nerf herder, NOBODDY talks about Han Solo like that in this establishment, NOBODY!”

The man obviously didn’t know when to quit as he said, “Han Solo is the Galaxies biggest pussy, I mean for Kirk’s sake a pussy wearing a helmet captured him.”

Xander’s rage suddenly boiled over as he said, “Oh you didn’t just bad mouth the Fett, get the fuck out of my sight you insignificant worm.”

The blond behind the counter nodded, “Yeah go fuck your pointy eared Spock doll you sick piece of Rancor Poodoo!”

The man shook his head backing up slightly as he threw out the major attack on all Star warriors, “At least Spock never kissed his sister and got a boner from it.”

Both Xander and the blond behind the register lost it, “Oh you sick son of a bitch, that’s his sister, you sick fuck, it was a good luck kiss, and he didn’t get a boner from it.”

The blond behind the counter immediately took up form where Xander had left off, “And at least our fucking crew wasn’t’ gay, I bet you your fucking crew lined up to fucking Daisy chain and rim each other while the black chick watched and recorded it posting it on the damned holonet or whatever you loser trekkies call it.”

Xander feeling emboldened by the perverted comments took it a step farther, “Then they fucking cleaned each other off fucking dick sucking fags Spock probably fucking loved it and licked up all the fucking mess, now get the fuck out of my sight you sick perverted FREAK!”

The man looked sick, puking on the floor before walking out not buying the carton of cigarettes he’d asked for. As a dark haired clerk came to the front he sighed, “You saw his Star Trek pin didn’t you?”

Xander and the blond turned high fiving each other even as the blond said, “Thanks man that trekkie was making the store stink.”

Xander nodded saying, “He should have seen the sign.”

The man nodded pointing to a sign hanging high reading, “We don’t serve Spics” however the Spanish racial slur was marked out, “trekkies” written below the xed out word.

The man nodded, “My names Randal, this is Dante, we own this place and your welcome to anything free you want except for smokes and booze, oh and porn.”

Xander shook his head putting down a ten for the carton of cigarettes saying, “Thanks guys, I’ll be around.”

Walking out Xander was beyond surprised to see his cousin and his spastic friend talking to the Severus Snape actor. Waking up he said, “Hello Professor Snape, what are you doing here?”

The Not Snape sighed swearing about the creators screwed up sense of humor and saying, “Relax Protector of Man, I am not that extremely gifted British actor, I am Metatron the voice of god.”

Xander raised an eyebrow looking at Jay and Bob from whom he got a nod and sighed, “Only me, why is the voice of god talking to my stoner cousin his fuck addicted buddy and their monkey?”

The green clad being smirked, “Your cousin and his friend are wise men, and before you ask no I don’t know why, probably because I pissed the Fates off ounce upon a time.”

Xander nodded as Metatron suddenly grew serious saying, “However Alexander, this isn’t about them, you see you’ve been chosen to receive an amazing gift and a huge responsibility.”

Xander’s warning bells immediately went off as he backed up saying, “And what gift is that?”

The British actor look-a-like smiled saying, “Recently Jesus’s last descendant was given the future Jesus, however she needs a father for the boy, someone to love both of them and teach the boy responsibility and such.”

Xander raised an eyebrow, “So you’re saying the woman can’t handle the kid on her own?”

The angel shook his head, “God knows she can, however you are the perfect person to help the child grow up more well rounded, it’s mother is a bit jaded, and while she will love the child her jadedness will slightly effect the child and we feel he deserves the right at having two parents, plus we figure you deserve some happiness.”

Jay took that moment to speak, “I’m still pissed we didn’t get to see them grind their clitties and moan hells yeah that would have been a hell of a show you fucking KNOW it.”

Bob smacked Jay shaking his head and the man nodded as Xander seemed to think about it before saying, “I guess I can try, I mean I can’t be a worse parent than Tony what do you say, Jay, Bob feel like heading there?”

Bob raised a hand saying, “Do or do not, there is no try.”

Xander nodded saying, “Thanks cousin, well voice, I guess you have your answer, let’s go help baby Jesus.”


End for now. Let me know what you think.

Disclaimer, I don’t own clerk’s, Jay or Silent Bob, nor do I own Star Wars or Star Trek.

Also no offense is meant at fans of said shows/movies.
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