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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,22915 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Peace offerings and Lending Libraries

“This is an awesome spell,” Harry said. “I could kill hundreds of critters with this and have it always look like an accident!”

“No you couldn’t!” Hermione said. She was always a little scandalized at how easy it was for Harry to talk about killing people. “It’s just a charm to lift things!”

“Oh, come on,” Harry said. “That’s just not being creative.”

=== === === === ===

At the Halloween Feast:

“There’s a troll in the dungeons,” Quirrell said. “Just thought you’d like to know.”

And with that, he passed out.

There was a moment of stunned silence in the Great Hall as the students looked on with confusion. Harry took the opportunity to jump in the air and put on his mask.

“Hell Yeah!”

With that he ran out of the Great Hall, trampling over the fallen professor and up into Gryffindor tower. A few moments later he was back: mask on, and doorknobs in hand.

“Who wants to help kill a troll?” Arthur Bea Wilson yelled out as he stood on Quirrell’s head. He heard some kind of muffled growl, but he didn’t really pay attention.

“I’m in,” said the Weasley twins in unison. They had learned very quickly that Harry meant fun.

“Perhaps I should observe, just for future reference,” mused Draco Malfoy.

“If they get killed mum’s gonna have my hide,” Ron said, running after his brothers.

“I’ve never seen a troll before,” Hermione Granger commented. “This is the perfect opportunity to practice my Defense Against the Dark Arts.”

Soon more and more people, infected by Harry’s enthusiasm, followed along. Dumbledore, as much as he liked Harry’s obvious Gryffindor tendencies, was a little worried about there being a troll roaming around. He followed along since he really did care about his students’ well being. Professor McGonagall just watched them go before banging her head against the table. It actually lessened her headache.

“Damn you Albus,” she said. “’You’re just encouraging him’ I said. ‘He needs to settle down’ I said. Now look what you’ve done.”

“Minerva, are you alright?” Professor Sprout asked.

“No, I’ve got a headache that’s threatening to last the next seven years.”

Arthur Bea Wilson could hear the Troll long before he could see it. Giant, lumbering, and stupid it made quite a racket in the echoing dungeons. About twenty students and professors met it in the larger hallways leading to the potions room

“Take it out at the knees!” Arthur screamed with glee as he opened up with a twelve gauge. The creature bellowed in rage and tried to swat him. The professors started casting hexes and curses at it, but it seemed to shrug them off. Some of the more advanced students were using similar spells, but some were more creative like the butterfly summoning spell used to blind it. Arthur reloaded the pump action doorknob as the troll fell to one knee. The would-be superhero fired three quick blasts into the troll’s elbow, making its arm flail helplessly. Other students realized what he was doing and started following suit, aiming for joints and other sensitive areas.

“Harry, what are you doing?” Dumbledore asked as the self proclaimed superhero ran up the troll’s leg.

“Who’s Harry?” Arthur asked as he shoved the shotgun under the troll’s chin and fired. Gore sprayed out of the troll’s mouth, but it didn’t seem too fazed. He jumped up to avoid a swat with the club, shoving a large knife into it’s wrist. Arthur’s face sunk as he saw it smash against the wall. “Aw man! I stole that from Uncle Taskmaster!”

Fred and George shoved a few large handfuls of some nasty colored jellybean in the creature’s huge mouth. A few fell out the hole Arthur had just made, but plenty stayed inside.

“What are those?” Ron asked.

“Bertie Bott’s Poison Hemlock beans,” George said.

“Got banned after people kept getting poisoned,” Fred explained.

“How’d you get so many?”

“We know people who know people!” the two said with slightly manic grins.

“Mum’s gonna bloody kill us,” Ron said.

Hermione was doing well with the spells she had read in her Defense books. She had managed to distract it from making serious blows on several occasions. Dumbledore was quite impressed.

“Wait a minute! I know how to kill it!” Arthur said. “Wingardium Leviosa!”

And then a very large anvil landed on the troll’s head, effectively squashing it. The living combatants looked on in mute horror as they were splattered with troll juice.

Arthur dusted off his hands and started walking back towards the dinner hall. “And that’s how you kill a troll with a levitation spell!”

“Why was there an anvil in my dungeon?” demanded Professor Snape.

Arthur just shrugged. “If I explain the gag, it’s just not that funny. And besides,” Arthur said, “That’s a classic.”

Pulling out yet another knife, Arthur severed the remains of it’s tongue. He held it out to Snape like a trophy of war. “A peace offering.”

“It’s only useful if it’s whole,” Snape sneered in annoyance. Arthur just shrugged.

“Guess I’ve got to go kill another one,” the boy superhero commented with a shrug. His exhausted fellow troll slayers looked at him with aggravation.

=== === === === ===

Dear Daddy Deadpool,

I had my first day of classes today. It wasn’t too much fun. There’s a lot less blowing things up than I expected and not that much there is left is intentional. This short guy in Charms wasn’t too happy when I asked when we would learn Magic Missile.

I’m in a house called Gryffindor. It’s supposed to be for people who are brave and courageous. I find them pretty annoying. There’s these twins who always look over my shoulder whenever I’m watching a movie on my laptop. They really need to quit it.

I got in trouble because I wasn’t going to class. Honestly, I don’t get why an art class is that important. And the guy who teaches it is pretty creepy. He always wears purple and an ottoman on his head. The footstool not the empire. Really needs wardrobe change if you ask me. I caught him talking to himself one time in a hallway. What a freak.

So I found out that some wizards can turn into animals. I’m working on that, but the prof says I need more work on my transmutation. She says that each animagius (that’s a werewizard) has a specific form that they can turn into. I wonder what I can turn into? I’m hoping it’s something cool like an aardvark or a tapir. Tapirs rock.

I’m cleaning my weapons every day like you told me. Doorknobs work really well against Trolls. We had one for Halloween. They don’t taste very good.

It’s the end of my time in Gryffindor House, next is Hufflepuff. I’ve got 17 gigs of HD Golden Girls to watch there and a few books. Jessica seemed upset that I wasn’t going to stay in his old House, but I want to try them all.

I had my first flying lesson yesterday. Not nearly as cool as I thought it would be. No rocket boots, no jet packs and no flying carpets. I had to use the broom I got in the mail. I don’t know who sent it to me.

That’s about what’s happened. I’ll write more when something cool happens.

Harry (Arthur)

=== === === === ===

“What is this I have heard about you associating with Gryffindors,” Lucius Malfoy asked his son. Draco cocked his head and gave his father an amused look.

“I can see how it could be perceived that way, Father,” the blond boy said, taking a sip of tea. Lucius had arrived on Ministry business and had decided to have tea with his son. “Rather than Gryffindors, I have been around Harry Potter.”

“Who is in Gryffindor,” Lucius stated flatly.

“Indeed, he lives there now, but as I have heard, the Sorting Hat itself declared him to have no House,” Draco explained. “He has no allegiances, but he has a gathering of people around him.”

“He is a new faction,” said his father in understanding. “And you have taken it upon yourself to take part in this faction?”

“If his power grows, as I feel it will,” Draco said, “It would be good to have someone in his inner circle. He could be guided if need be. That there are members of other houses is purely secondary.”

“Severus claims that he is unruly, out of control,” Lucius argued.

“Perhaps, but it is more like anarchy and methods of madness,” the younger wizard countered. “He thinks nothing is impossible to the point of almost idiotic bravery, but he’s crafty in his plans enough to be a Slytherin. He’s smart, an almost genius in some ways, an idiot in others. He is also deadly fierce in his loyalty to those he respects and considers friends.”

“So he exhibits traits of all houses strongly,” the older wizard said. “That could very well just mean he’s insane.”

“Of that I have no doubt.”

=== === === === ===

“Greetings Hufflepuffs, I am Harry. I come in peace. I have traveled to your planet because Mars needs wizards,” Harry said in a robot tone, dressed in a red shirt from Star Trek. “Resistance is futile unless met with raspberry mousse.”

The older students looked at him with utter confusion for a very long moment.

The Hufflepuff prefect blinked and said: “I have no idea how to respond to that.”

Later, after he had managed to settle in, Harry curled up in a chair in the common room. Rising star of the Hufflepuff Quiditch team, Cedric Diggory paused to glance at the cover of Harry’s book.

“What’re you reading, Harry?” he asked.

“The Communist Manifesto,” Harry said, munching on a potato chip. Closing the book with a snap, he tossed it to the older Hufflepuff. “Here, you can read it.”


“Can’t you see? They are taking advantage of our loyalty!” Cedric Diggory said to a small group of his house mates. “By just blindly following we are just giving more power to the pureblooded bourgeoisie. This is a classic example of class struggle between the wealthy, pureblooded, so-called “noble” families and the poor, mixed and half blooded families that work their backs out supporting the current society. We need to be more selective about who and to what we give our loyalty to. We can’t just blindly walk into any old situation.”

“Yeah!” yelled Susan Bones with a fist in the air.

“They’re nothing without us!”

Soon more and more were joining in the perfect example of group think until almost all of the listening Hufflepuffs had joined in.

“We want more respect!”

“We want an equal footing in society!”

“We’re in a situation where only we can make a difference in society!” Cedric Diggory exclaimed. “We are the ones who will determine our next course of action, not a bunch of rich pureblooded families! We choose who is deserving of our loyalty and we stick with it!” He started handing out copies of the books Harry has supplied them. “Read this. You’ll understand how we have far too long labored without sufficient reward and how the classes represent an unequal society.”

“Karl Marks and Frederick Engels must have been Hufflepuffs,” another said after reading a little.

Harry just sat in a chair, munching on a bowl of popcorn, and watched.

=== === === === ===

“Mr. Hagrid, it’s time,” the guard said. The big hulking man nodded his head.

“Bye then Froedrick,” he said, letting go of the mouse that shared his room. Rising up to his full height, he stretched. “It’ll be sad to see him go. We’ve become fast friends these last few months.”

“Well, you’re free to go after the Doc talks to you,” the guard said. Although the staff at the mental institution had been initially intimidated by the large man, they all quickly understood the gentleness of the large man. They had taken a liking to him even if he did think he lived in a fantasy land.

“Mr. Hagrid? Please sit down” Hagrid sat down in the much-too-small chair across from the psychiatrist who had been handling his case. Dr. Samson was a bit of an odd man, with spectacles and long green hair, but they seemed to be getting along well. “Well, it’s almost time for you to go.”

“That’s what they’re telling me,” the Hogwarts grounds keeper said.

“I just wanted to talk once more about your wizards,” Dr. Samson said. “I have to admit, they are very different from the magic users I’ve dealt with in the past. Dr. Strange is quite open about his magical status. I’m just concerned why your group is hiding.”

“Well, There be laws against it,” Hagrid said with a shrug of his meaty shoulders. “I trust ye won’t be spreading this around much, would ye?”

“Not too much, Doctor/Patient discussions are confidential,” the psychiatrist said. “But why the law? Why avoid the rest of the world? Don’t you people notice the world outside?”

“Uh…well…I guess I didn’t really think about that,” Hagrid said. “We just have is all.”

“But aren’t you affected by outside forces?”

“Uh, well, the Ministry tries to keep that to a minimum,” Hagrid said with a bit of embarrassment.

“In this world of Globalization, I would think you would be reaching out more, rather than focusing inward,” Doc Samson commented. “Considering your practice of expanding the Wizarding world with recruits from outside while your pureblood population dwindles as inbreeding decreases genetic viability, I would think new blood would be important.”

“Well, most of them pure blooded families don’t like outsiders much,” Hagrid said with a worried look on his face. This conversation was really forcing him to think outside the box that had been constructed for him. It might serve to alter his mindset for the future.

“I see,” Samson said. “Regardless. I think it’s safe to let you go now. You can collect your things at the door. I wanted to have you meet Dr. Strange, but he’s in another dimension fighting Dormammu with the Defenders, But you’ll still have time to speak with Wong. After all, he is the one I wanted you to talk to in the first place. ”

“Uh, who are Dr. Strange and Wong?”

“Dr. Strange is the Sorcerer Supreme, the most powerful mage or wizard on the planet,” Doc Samson explained. “With a society as insular as yours, I’m not surprised you don’t know who he is. I just thought you could speak a little. He’s a very interesting man.”

“And Wong?”

“Ah, Wong is one of the greatest experts on the occult in the world, though not a powerful mystic himself,” Doc Samson explained. “I thought you would both get a long being primarily low or non magical people living in a magical world. Peter Parker tells me he plays a killer game of basketball.”

“Uh, I never told you any of that,” Hagrid said. Samson just lowered his reading glasses and shot the half-giant a look.

“I’m much more observant than most people give me credit for,” he said. “I spend my life analyzing people of great power and I’ve learned to fill in the blanks. I’m also a good judge of character.”

“So I can go?”

“Yes, but I want you to speak with Wong first,” Samson said. “I think you’re still dealing with issues from your semi-expulsion from the Wizarding World that you are still dealing with today. For a man of your size you have remarkable insecurity issues.”

“So you have said,” Hagrid said sadly.

“But cheer up,” Samson said, giving Hagrid’s hand a healthy shake.

“I’ve been wondering, you’ve got much more strength than I’d think,” Hagrid said, wincing a little from the psychiatrist’s grip.

“You’re not the only one who has a varied past,” Samson said with a smile. “I’d like to talk to you again, perhaps once a week. I’ll tell you then.”

“I-I suppose I will,” Hagrid said, his face beaming into a smile.

“Till next week,” Samson said.

“Yes, next week,” Hagrid agreed.

=== === === === ===

It was time for Harry to send off his presents to his family and friends back home. He just hoped that the owls would be able to carry the stuff back in time for the Generic End of Year Holidays. He wrapped them carefully in paper and labeled each by hand. He really missed the days of cardboard boxes.

Everyone got a broom, the fastest they had.

Storm got a new set of white dress robes and a puffskein.

Psylock got a subscription to the Globe International and a purple set of dress robes.

Rogue got a fur coat and hat stylishly colored to match her hair and three puffskeins.

Gambit got a full selection of magical trinkets from around Diagon Alley, mostly from joke places.

Professor X got a Quidditch jersey. Harry didn’t know what team it was, but it was bright yellow. The Prof also got an owl with a note that said “not for eating.”

Jean and Scott were given matching dress robes, a box of holding, an owl each, 43 chickens of various funky looking breeds and a puffskein.

Logan got an Ever-puffing Cigar. It was imported from Cuba. He also got a dragon leather jacket in his usual yellow and blue with a thestral skin collar.

Iceman got a complete quidditch set and jersey and a box of lawn gnomes.

Warren Worthington the Third received a giant wheel of Venezuelan Beaver Cheese and a puffskein.

Jubilee received enough puffskeins to hand out to her friends in Generation X with an express ban on giving one to Emma Frost. Harry hated Emma Frost. He briefly considered sending the White Queen a bag of dragon poop, but he worried she might not understand his true feelings.

Hank got a trunk full of books from the Wizarding World.

Truth be told, there was no real rhyme or reason for his choices in some cases, but in others he was very serious and specific. After Harry had sent all the presents off, he pondered what he was going to do with all the other tribbles. They were reproducing at an accelerated rate and seemed to be giving the Hogwarts staff a hard time to keep fed. Giving it some thought, he released them into the Forbidden Forest where they started eating everything.

On his way back he found himself confronted by seven yellow bipedal mice, five of which were wearing military sniper camouflage. They snapped into line upon seeing him and gave the wizard a snappy salute. “Pika-Pika!”

“At ease soldier,” Harry commanded. The pikachus instantly fell into a relaxed pose as one chattered quickly.

“Pika, pika pi pika pika pika pi,” the presumed leader said.

“But of course,” Harry said.


“Yes, I think setting up surveillance is a good idea,” Harry agreed.

“Pika pika pi,” argued a second Pikachu (who had a certain resemblance to Wolverine).

“No, I don’t think that is going to be a problem,” Harry said. The head Pikachu gave him another sharp salute and marched away. All but one of the others blended into the foliage around them. The last one followed Harry closely. She held out a hand for Harry to stop and quickly slaped her earwig.

“Pika Pika!” she said. She listened a bit before allowing Harry to proceed.

“You know, I’m perfectly fine on my own,” Harry said. She angrily crossed her arms and glared at him.

“Pika pi!”
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