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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,31715 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Parent Teacher Conferences

“Wade, why are you wearing a suit?” Cable asked. Wade Wilson was wearing a suit. Black leather on the outside of the jacket with red lapels and interior, with a black tie on a stylish red silk shirt. Black pants and bright red shoes finished him off with a red snake skin belt. Deadpool checked his clips before slipping the pistols into the stylishly patterned black and red holsters.

“Every father should dress up nicely for Parent/Teacher Day,” Deadpool said, strapping his sword on his belt. Nathan “Dayspring” Summers, AKA Askanison, AKA Cable just looked horrified as he realized the implications. “You’d best be ready. We don’t want Arthur’s friends at school to think they’ve got lazy parents, now do we?”

Deadpool handed his unwilling semi-friend a suit and tie. Cable took it with a glare. “Deadpool, after all the things that have happened in my life and everything you’ve ever done, this has to be the most irritating.”

“Nonsense, the most irritating was when I left Logan in a swamp with three colonies of flesh-eating fire ants,” Deadpool said. “Although I really think it might have been the rash they left afterwards. It lasted for weeks even with his healing factor.”

“Wade Wilson, you are a horrible person,” Cable said, slipping on the bright blue sport coat.

“But I’m an attentive father,” the mercenary pointed out.

“Does this school even have P/T Conferences?”

“They do now,” Deadpool said as he checked his assault rifle for a full magazine.

“Wait a minute! You can’t bring weapons to a school!”

“Sure I can! I just keep ‘em strapped to me when we body slide.” Wade Wilson said, pointing to the various heavy armaments over his well dressed frame.

“You know that’s not what I meant!” Cable said, rushing to put on his pants.

“Body Slide by Two!”

= = = = =

“Uh, professor,” Draco Malfoy said, having glanced out the window in Defense Against the Dark Arts.

“Ye-ye-yes Ma-ma-ma-malfoy?”

“Two men just apparated onto the Quidditch Pitch, Professor,” the Slytherin reported dutifully.

“That’s impossible on Hogwarts grounds,” Hermione Granger corrected. “The Wards around the castle make it impossible to apparate in or out of the school grounds. It was in Hogwarts, A History.”

“But I just saw them!”

“You’re clearly just imagining things,” Hermione said, flipping her nose in the air.

“You mudblood filth,” the pureblooded Wizard snarled under his breath.

“Hey!” Harry yelled. “That’s my dad! And Cable? Huh, they’re usually trying to kill each other.”

The rest of the class absorbed this nugget of knowledge with a look of fear and confusion. Harry didn’t seem to notice, but he was rarely that observant.

“S-s-s-self st-study,” said Quirrell as he followed Harry out of the classroom. The professor had trouble following the younger wizard. Harry was quick on his feet and an excellent athlete, despite his small stature. Harry ran down the stairs, taking them three at a time. Quirrell went at a much slower pace. He spotted the Headmaster, as Harry slid down the banister and jumped over Dumbledore’s head. “Pr-pr-professor! Ha-harry’s father is he-here.”

“James? Back from the dead?” Dumbledore asked. “Well that certainly is a surprise.”

“Nu-nu-no. Hi-his adoptive father,” Quirrell explained. “With gu-gu-gu… With gu-gu-gu… With gu-gu-gu…With weapons sir.”

“Oh dear,” said Dumbledore. He glanced up to see the rest of the Defense class peeking around a corner as they followed to see what had really made Harry become Harry. Some of them had the good graces to blush at the Headmaster’s stare. Dumbledore just grinned and popped a lemon candy into his mouth.

“They apparated in, Headmaster,” Draco reported, still a little stunned at witnessing something that wasn’t supposed to be.

“Oh bloody hell,” said Dumbledore. Most of the assembled students took that to be a bad sign.

= = = = =

“He goes to school in a castle? He never told me he went to school in a castle!” Deadpool yelled a the top of his lungs. “Kid’s been holding out on me.”

Cable ran up after him as the mercenary started walking up to the front gate.

“What are you doing here?” Demanded a dark clothed guy with dark hair and a sneer. This time it wasn’t Tom Cruise.

“No habla Espinoza!” Deadpool said with a shrug.

“Wade, he’s speaking English,” Cable said.

“I know Nate, I just didn’t want to talk to him,” Deadpool said.

“I demand to know what business you have on these grounds at once!” the man said.

“Do you live in a dungeon? I bet you do,” Deadpool said. “You’ve got a very mad scientist/creepy Eye-Gore thing going on.”

“I am Professor Severus Snape and I demand-“

“Chimichangas! I new you’d demand them,” Deadpool said in an accusatory fashion. “You moontans and your cheap fast food versions of Mexican foods. We can never trust you!”

“What are you talking about?” snarled the potions professor, pointing his wand at the intruders.

“Oh, I’m here to see how my kid is doing in school,” Deadpool said. “Who’s in charge?”

“That would be me,” an elderly voice said from the entryway.

“Holy shades of Gandalf, Squirrel-Girl!” Deadpool said with exaggerated surprise. Cable just covered his face in his hand.

“Please excuse him,” Cable said. “He’s completely and utterly insane.”

“But a snappy dresser,” Deadpool said before being gutted from behind. “Hey!”

“I win!” Harry said, letting go of his fathers sword. The blade fell out of the wound and onto the ground, dragging guts with it.

“That was a very poor slice, young man. You didn’t even sever my spinal column.” Deadpool criticized. “And for your information: I let you win.”

“You liar!”

“I did!”

“Is this banter going to take long?” Dumbledore asked Cable.

“Usually longer than it takes for Wade to heal the damage,” the telepathic, telekinetic mutant said as an explanation.

“Headmaster!” Snape demanded. “What ARE they doing here?”

Dumbledore turned to Nathan, who just shrugged.

“He said something about a parent/teacher conference,” Cable explained. “I’m just here because if either of us teleports separately, we get stuck in the same body. If we teleport together it doesn’t happen.”

“A parent/teacher conference, you said,” mused an amused Dumbledore. “I cannot say I called for one, but I can most certainly see the benefit in such a meeting.”

“It’s best to give him what he wants or else he’ll start killing people,” Cable said blithely receiving shocked looks from the assembled professors.

“Well then, we should best get started,” Dumbledore said with a grin. “Sherbet Lemon?”

=== === === === ===

“Oh, Arthur,” Deadpool said, putting a fatherly hand on the boy’s shoulder as they walked to the Headmaster’s office. “I need to tell you something. The Author just reread my old comics and realized our whole time line is screwy, so we’re going to blame it all on time travel, okay?”

“Okay, thanks!” Harry said. “Did you bring me anything?”

“Sorry, we’re from the future, so I didn’t think to bring you anything,” Deadpool said.

“That’s not a good reason!”

“Look, any more and the readers won’t be able to suspend their disbelief,” Deadpool said.

“Readers?” asked a confused Severus Snape.

“Never mind,” commanded Harry and Deadpool in unison.

“And here we are,” Dumbledore announced. Tapping the gargoyle’s nose with his wand, it pulled back, revealing the doorway into the office. “Professor Quirrell, please speak with Harry’s other professor’s and tell them Harry’s guardian would like to speak with them.”

“O-of course Headmaster,” the Defense against the Dark Arts professor said before hurrying down the hallway. Wade pointed at the creepy guy with a confused look.

“Who was that?”

“Oh, that’s professor Quirrell. He’s got the shade of the guy who killed my birth parents strapped to the back of his head and now he wants to kill me too,” Harry said informatively.

“How do you know that?” asked an alarmed Dumbledore.

“I skipped to the ending and read how it all works out,” Harry said.

“YOU READ AHEAD IN YOUR OWN BOOK?” Deadpool yelled, the scandalized look on his face visible even through the mask. “You can’t do that! There are rules, damnit! There are rules!

“Oh, don’t worry, I’ll find some other unexpected, but sufficiently comical way to kill him this time,” Harry said with a shrug. “I mean, it’s not like I want the Philosopher’s stone for anything. So you can keep it in the mirror.”

“I should still ground you for it,” Deadpool said. “Fine, but no killing for three months!”

“That’s not a real punishment! I hardly ever kill anyone but you!”

“Well, you’re grounded. I’ll find some other way to punish you,” Wade Wilson said , crossing his arms angrily across his chest. He looked at Dumbledore and shrugged. “You have to be stricter with kids these days.”

“Alright!” Harry said happily. “Let’s get this parent/teacher conference started!”

“Arthur, why don’t you go back to class? I’ll talk with the prof here,” Deadpool said.

“Talk to you tonight, Dad?”

“Sure, over dinner. Any chance we can get a nice owl to roast?”

“Sure,” Harry said. “They’ve got a whole room full of ‘em.”

With that, Harry Potter, also known as Arthur Bea Wilson, scampered down the hallway to return to his abandoned classmates, not quite knowing what to expect.

“So what’s Arthur been up to lately?”

“Don’t you mean Harry?”

“Who’s that?”

“The young man you call a son,”

“Oh, no, that’s Arthur. Arthur Bea Wilson,” Deadpool said. “I named him after the most beautiful person in the world.”

“Er…yes, Arthur has been taking in everything he can, it seems,” Dumbledore said. “There were a few issues like when he refused to go to Defense Against the Dark Arts.”

“Well of course he wouldn’t go to an art class, he doesn’t have any talent in painting in the dark,” Deadpool said as if it were completely obvious.

“No, it’s to teach students to defend themselves against Dark Magic,” Dumbledore said with just a slight twitching of his vein.

“Why don’t you just call it that?”

“Because most people understand what it means!”

“With a confusing name like that I’m surprised more people don’t make the mistake,” Deadpool argued. “How about other subjects?”

“Why don’t you speak with the professors yourself? They have a better grasp of his current status,” Dumbledore said. Deadpool just shrugged and nodded. “I shall be right back.”

Dumbledore ran right to his bar to get a drink.

=== === === === ===

Outside, Harry’s classmates were hovering around Cable, who looked particularly uncomfortable. More than a few were touching his metal parts and that made him more uncomfortable.

“Could you stop doing that?” He asked a girl with frizzy brown hair.

“You’ve got metal skin!”

“No actually, until recently I was infected with a techno-organic virus that was only held at bay by my telekinesis,” Cable said as if it were perfectly normal. “I was recently cured, but the effects remain.”

“Blimey, imagine if mum saw me with a metal arm,” said a red headed kid.

“You have telekinesis?”

“Yes, I’m a mutant,” Cable explained. Save for the frizzy haired girl, the students all looked at him blankly. “You’ve never heard of mutants?”

“No, that some kind of American wizard?” A brown haired kid asked.

“No, mutants are genetic abnormalities that deviate from the norm hypothesized to be the next stage of human evolution,” the frizzy haired girl said. The other students clearly had no idea what she was talking about.

“Your name is Cable?”

“My code name yes,” the mutant explained.

“What’s a code name?”

“Why is your hair white?”

“Why does your eye glow?”

“How’d you get that scar on your eye?”

“Why aren’t you wearing any pants?”

Nathan Dayspring Summers looked up to see Harry running back and shot the boy a grateful look. “Harry! How’s it going?”

“Great! I’m grounded!” The other students were very confused as to why he was happy about that fact. Harry shrugged. “It just means he cares.” He looked up at Cable and grinned. “So what are you guys here for?”

“I’m here more involuntarily. During an event a while back, there was a virus that threatened to turn the world blue, to keep ourselves from melting into little blue puddles, I had to take a little bit of his healing factor and swap it with some of my DNA…wait, why do you look so happy about that?”

“Don’t you know what this means?” Harry asked with a slightly manic grin. Cable shook his head mutely, not sure he was going to like hearing the answer. “It means Scott and Jean are my new grandparents! How awesome is that?”

Cable looked at him for a long silent moment. The wide smile never left the boy’s face.

“You do know that this hasn’t happened yet, because we’re from the future, right?” Cable asked. Harry just brushed it away.

“If I wait for that I won’t have that much time with my grandparents because Grammy Jean’s just gonna die again,” Harry explained. The other students, having been listening in from the beginning, just repeated the words: “die again,” and tried to wrap their heads around the concept. Cable just agreed; he had to admit that the kid was right. “Oooo! This means Rachel’s my aunt now!”

Cable massaged his temples thinking about how he was going to apologize to his semi-half sister from an alternate future that no longer exists. Scott Summers deserved the headaches and Jean honestly loved Harry as her own, so no apologies there.

Harry turned to Draco and grinned. “Isn’t getting new family great?”

“I…I’ve never had the opportunity,” Draco admitted.

=== === === === ===

Pomona Sprout sat across from the masked man with a certain level of nervousness. She normally didn’t deal with the parents and even if she did run into them, they were usually Hogwarts graduates already. But this was a special case.

“How’s Arthur doing in your class?” the man asked. She winced as he pulled up his mask to drink some of the tea. That was a lot of scar tissue.

“Aside from his rather sadistic pleasure in pulling up mandrake I have no complaints. He has an independent streak that is impossible to squash out.”

“That’s a good thing,” Wade Wilson said. “If everybody’s eating chimichangas and he wants to eat some real food, that’s a good thing, a good choice. I don’t really like chimichangas, I just like to say it. Chimichanga Chimichanga Chimichanga Chimichanga.”

“er…yes,” the Herbology professor said. She quickly changed the subject. “I am also the head of Harry’s current house in school. He’s radicalized the Hufflepuffs.”

“What’s a Hufflepuff?”

One explanation later:


=== === === === ===

“Your child is a menace to the populace,” Professor McGonagall said. “He is completely out of control. He has no self restraint and the biggest problem with that is that he never gives up. His determination has done him well in class, I would have to give him full OWLs for his transmutation work thus far, but his behavior is deplorable.”

“He’s a kid! Acting up is fine at his age!”


“What? It’s not like he’s killed anything with it,” Deadpool said. “He just used it to wound a troll. I taught him long ago: ‘Doorknobs don’t kill people. I kill people.’ It’s something he’s really taken to heart.”

“You are a hideous person,” McGonagall said flatly.

“Way to kick a guy when he’s down! It’s not my fault the healing factor that’s keeping my cancer from killing me makes my skin all nasty! That was cruel! Really cruel!”

“I was referring to your personality,” the transmutation professor said.

“Oh, well that’s okay I guess,” Deadpool admitted with a shrug.

=== === === === ===

“Your child has a real talent for potions, but he refuses to take it seriously,” Snape said.

“Are you related to Dr. Morbius the Living Vampire? You look a lot like him,” Deadpool said as he munched on a large sandwich.

“Uh, no…” Snape said slowly.

“Really? ‘Cuz the resemblance is uncanny,” Deadpool said. “Same hair, same skin tone, same tone of voice. But I think the Doc’s American.”

“Then I doubt there’s any relation,” was the potions professor’s monotone response. “Getting back to the matter at hand…”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Your child has inherited his mother’s talent for potions. He has incredible potential,” Snape stated in that same monotone. “If he would just stop attempting to make things ignite or explode he could be near the top of his class.”

“Arthur’s a budding pyro? I’m so proud that I think I’m gonna cry.”

=== === === === ===

“Holy crap! You’re short!” Deadpool said, looking down at the Charms professor.

“And you’re an asshole!” Flitwick responded quickly.

“You know, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship,” Deadpool said.

=== === === === ===

Soon enough it was time for lunch. Dumbledore decided to have a picnic with all the students. The sun was bright and the lawn was magically cleared of snow and heated. The professors sat down in the middle. Deadpool spotted the purple clad Defense teacher and jumped to his feet, pointing accusatorially.

“Hey! You’re that guy with the evil thing on your head!”

Professor Quirrell looked stunned for a second, but his demeanor changed in an instant.

“So you finally figured it out, foolish Potter,” the professor snarled, pulling off his big purple hat. “I thought no one was going to suspect p-p-p-poor st-st-st-stuttering Quirrell.”

“You’re doing it wrong!” Harry said. “We’re supposed to pull off your mask and you say: ‘and it would have worked if it weren’t you meddlesome kids!’ and then we do the chase scene and you get arrested.”

“But Arthur! We don’t have dog!” Deadpool said. Harry’s shoulders sagged.

“Yeah, no talking dogs,” he grumbled sadly.

“Quirrell you fool!” said the back of Quirrell’s head. “You should have just killed him when you had the chance!”

“Shut up! Can’t you see we’ve got twenty wands pointed at us?” Quirrell said, arguing with the back of his head. “After my failure at Gringott’s, Lord Voldemort chose to keep a better eye on me.”

There was a hush as the general populace started muttering about the Dark Lord returning and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. A collective shiver of fear ran through the student body as they all wisely started backing up, out of spell range.

“Dude, you’ve got a face on the back of your head!” Harry said.

“Harry, why are you acting surprised? You told me this morning that you already knew about this,” Dumbledore asked, a little confused.

“I’m just playing my part,” Harry said innocently. He pointed his wand at Quirrell's feet. “Markus Exis!”

“What kind of spell is that?” Quirrell asked.

“Hey, it isn’t like you guys are using real Latin either,” Harry said. The professors noticed something and started backing away. Harry pointed at Quirrell’s feet.

Glancing down, The former Defense professor suddenly realized there was a rather large and bright red X centered on his feet. As he moved, so did the X. “This isn’t going to stop me Potter!”

“Meh,” said Harry.

“Look up in the sky!” said Hermione, pointing upwards.

“It’s a bird,” said Draco.

“It’s a plane?” asked Deadpool.

“No! It’s-” said Harry and Cable in unison, “-Nora Jones’ piano!”

The large musical instrument landed quite squarely on Quirrell’s head, squashing him flat. The Shade of Voldemort started twisting upwards.

“Fools! This won’t stop me! I shall have my revenge!” it bellowed, spiraling up into the sky and into the Forbidden Forest. “So sayeth Lord Voldemort!”

Deadpool just glanced at Cable with an accusatory look. “How’d you know that piano belonged to Nora Jones?”

Cable just shrugged. “I like Nora Jones.”

=== === === === ===

Several thousand feet above Hogwarts:

“Are you sure we were supposed to drop that?” asked one delivery man from the FedEX plane.

“The guy paid with credit card and told us to drop it on the big red X,” his superior said. “If Dr. Doom just wants to throw money away that’s his problem.”

=== === === === ===

“Well, it’s time for us to go BACK TO THE FUTURE!” Deadpool said, pointing dramatically off into the distance.

“I’ll miss you guys,” Harry said, giving his father a hug.

“I won’t miss you, ‘cuz the future you is already staying at home,” Deadpool said honestly. “I figured out your punishment.”

“Really?” Harry said excitedly.

“Yep,” Deadpool said. “You can’t break the 4th wall for five chapters.”

“What?” Harry exclaimed, scandalized by the punishment.

“Body Slide by Two!” There was a flash of light and the two vanished.

“You can’t do this to me!” Harry screamed at the place they just vacated. "Damn you!"
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