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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,57515 Dec 093 Sep 12No

And they say two heads are better than one...fools

“Uh, hi Mr. Evil Professor Xavier,” Harry said at the towering figure in red and purple armor. “I’d just like to say that all those times that someone put superglue on your wheel chair, it was always Bobby Drake and I had nothing to do with it.”

“Interesting,” said the massive armored neo-super-villain. “In one body there are two minds. So akin to possession, yet housed so differently at the same time.”

“Yeah, I’d just like to say that I’m really happy you aren’t trying to kill me right now,” Harry said. “And if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just be using some of this fancy floo powder and heading back in the general direction of another continent.”

Harry’s hopes were dashed as the giant figure smashed the fireplace with one gigantic fist. “Plan B then. Look over there!

Harry pointed and promptly ran in the opposite direction.

“Did everyone escape?” Cyclops asked the rest of the X-Men. After the initial combat with Onslaught, they were nearly destroyed. Only luck and quick thinking had managed to keep them from death. Jean, having just managed to discover Onslaught’s identity, was nearly unconscious.



“Isn’t that Harry?” Bishop asked, peeking out of their hiding place. The kid was running full tilt away from the ruins of the Xavier Mansion.

Wolverine sniffed the air. “Yep, it’s him.”

“Why isn’t he still in school?” Cyclops asked rhetorically while massaging his temples.

“And the time that you had a Donald Trump wig taped to your head? That was Bobby too,” Harry said as he ran away. “And the time that we put up the disco ball in the Danger room? Well, that was mostly me, but Bobby helped a lot. I also blame it on Dazzler, she’s a bad influence.” Harry turned the corner and kept on running towards the city. “And that time Mojo kidnapped us all? Well that was all Mojo, although I did give him the idea of Reality TV and Survivor. I heard he put a bunch of Kree and Skrulls on a deserted island for a year with no weapons or clothes, but that’s not something kids my age are allowed to see, but not for violence reasons. It’s a very popular show I understand.” Harry kept running while he chugged a stamina potion he’d made in class last week. “And when I turned you blue and then pink? Well, I have it on good authority that Cable’s gonna do it to the whole world in a couple of years, so we’ll just blame it on him.”

Harry glanced over his shoulder to see if Xavier was chasing him and ran right into Cyclops and fell on the ground. “Oh, hi Grampa Scotty. Did you know that the Professor went evil?”

“’Grampa’? Never mind,” Scot Summers said. “Harry, why aren’t you still safe at school?”

“There was an incident with another evil professor and Nora Jones’ piano, which I will deny all involvement in, but it looks like it could be blamed on me, so I thought I should leave before I got expelled,” Harry explained in one breath. Scot Summers squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. It was like he was trying not to get angry or something.

“Harry, we need to get out of here now,” Cyclops said. He knew perfectly well that the only reason they were alive was because Onslaught didn’t see them as a threat.

“Get me to a fireplace,” Harry said. Luckily for everyone involved, Wolverine knew of an old foundation that had a standing fireplace and chimney. Harry looked it over and shrugged. “It will take me a bit to backdoor the Floo network. Don’t tell anyone I know how to do this ‘cuz it’s borderline illegal.”

“I knew not that they had extradition for underaged crime,” Storm said, keeping a wary and weary eye on their surroundings.

“You kidding? They wouldn’t even give me a trial,” Harry said. A few minutes later, Harry had managed to enchant the monolithic fireplace into a magical transporter. “Okay, I need to start a fire. Crap, Neville took my wand of fireballs.” He looked behind him. “Wait a minute, we don’t have anybody who has fire powers now, do we?”

“Kid, we do it the old fashioned way,” Wolverine said, taking a rock and a claw, he struck it until sparks started up on the small pile of tinder. “That enough?”

“Harry? Is something wrong?” Jean asked. “You’ve never been quite so serious about things.”

“Sorry, but when the second most powerful telepath goes evil and has plenty of reasons to hate me, I start to worry,” Harry said. He handed out a little bit of powder to each of the remaining X-Men. “This is Floo powder. Toss it in the fire, step in (it won’t burn you when it’s green) and say the name of the place you want to go. I’ll have to fudge things a bit, but we should be able to get to the city with no problem, after that it’s just a short walk to Avenger’s Mansion or the Baxter Building.”

“The Avengers,” Storm said with some finality. The others agreed and one by one, they used the magic powder to reappear in a magical alley very similar to Diagon Alley in London. The locals, still a part of the grand xenophobic machine that was the Wizarding World, were not please and pointing wands.
When Harry, the last to go through the portal, finally arrived he found a stalemate.

“Harry, care to tell us what is going on?” Cyclops said, his hand set on the visor trigger, fully prepared to send his optic blasts freely at the opponents.

“Oh, they’re probably not used to having non-wizards and witches go through the fireplace,” Harry said. “But they can all go &%#@ themselves. We’ve got bigger fish to fry.”

“HARRY!” yelled a scandalized Jean Grey.


“You shouldn’t use language like that, even if you don’t like them,” she told him.

“Sorry Gramma Jean,” he said. Logan smirked and shrugged.

“Watch it kids, the natives are restless,” Wolverine said gesturing to the wizards now much less calm.

“What are you doing here?” demanded one of them.

“Using the Floo network, obviously,” Harry said with a roll of his eyes. “Now get out of the way before Logan gets angry.”


The wizards jumped at the sight and sound of Wolverine’s claws sliding out of his hands. They were steadily growing less calm. Cyclops was worried one of them might decide to take matters into their own hands and that was something the X-Men couldn’t afford.

“Look, we’re just trying to get through,” Cyclops said. “We’re just heading down the street, we don’t mean any trouble.”

“How dare you come here!” one of them snarled.

“oookay,” Harry said, reaching into his backpack and pulling out a machine gun and his wand. “That’s enough. Now get your worthless carcass out of the way or I’ll be forced to make many little lethal holes in the lot of you.”

“Ditto,” said Logan, flexing his forearms as if in preparation to stab someone.

“You can’t-“ one protested, but cut himself off as Wolverine cut a table in half. The wizards finally had some sense and moved out of the way.

“Thank you,” Harry said in an exasperated tone. Once they were out of the pub, Cyclops pulled him aside angrily.

“Harry! What do you think you were doing back there? We don’t kill people!”

“I wasn’t killing! I was bluffing. It’s an airsoft,” Harry said holding out the supersoaker in his hands. He sounded different, older and more cynical. Harry was…darker perhaps. “Minor transmutation to hide the coloring, that’s all. Geeze. Give me some credit.”

“Look, Harry, I’m sorry,” Cyclops said, feeling ashamed. “I’m really proud that you’re making progress.”

“And besides, real bullets would have ricocheted all over the place,” Harry said. “If I was going to kill them I’d do it from hiding, not in plain view of everyone. And if I was going to kill them all, I’d use a bomb. A big bomb.”

“and now we’re back to square one,” Cyclops muttered to himself.

“Aren’t we on the run from Evil Professor X?” Harry asked. “Why are we just hanging around?”

[Am I the only one who things Harry is acting strangely,] asked Jean telepathically to the rest of the X-Men.

[He is not his usual jovial self,] replied Storm. [And his first choice seems to be violence.]

[Somethin’s wrong. Really wrong,] Logan put in. [Kid smells funny. Not fear, more like hungry, with a bit of snake in the mix. And it’s coming from him, not his clothes.]

[I must agree, there is most certainly something wrong with young Harry,] Beast put in. [But let us observe for now. He has not yet done anything wrong.]

[Fine, but watch him. We don’t know if the Professor did something to him,] Cyclops said. [And we don’t know if he joined up either.]

When they finally arrived at Avenger’s Mansion, having taken a short cut through Alphabet City, the sun was about to rise. They were exhausted, beaten and weary. The Vision had set them up with accommodations and they spent the next twelve hours sleeping. Except for Logan and Harry. Logan’s healing factor set him up quickly, but Harry was doing something else. It was like he had no need for sleep. And he was casting spells like a child popping jellybeans in his mouth. Unfortunately, most people didn’t understand enough about magic to see what was really going on.

They weren’t protection spells at all. They were wards, dangerous wards.

Logan had been watching the kid, making sure that he wasn’t a spy for Onslaught.

“What ya doing kid?”

“Fool! How dare you speak to me that way!” Harry snarled at the hirsute man. That was enough of a clue for Logan that something was wrong, but before he could react, Harry had brought up his wand and sneered. “Crucio!

The unforgivable curse would have been diabilitating to any other X-Man, but Logan had plenty of experience with pain. Usually it just got him angry and this was no exception. This was bad, but it didn’t rank with loosing his adamantium; however he did feel his self control slipping. With a roar of fury, Wolverine struck out at the young wizard.

Momentarily blinded by rage, Wolverine thought he had killed the wizard. He gained his self control when he realized a red, white and blue shield was protecting the kid.

“What is going on here?” commanded Captain America. Taking a gulp of air, Logan pulled back his claws, struggling to get himself under control.

“Cap look out!” Wolverine yelled, but it was too late. Harry cast another spell, this time directed at the super soldier, sending him flying against the far wall with a sickening crack.

“Useless creatures,” snarled Harry’s body.

“You’re not Harry, bub,” Wolverine growled, still momentarily stunned by rage and fury he had felt a slight moment before.

“I am more than your paltry mind could conceive,” snarled the entity inhabiting Harry’s body. He thrust his wand at the mutant with a furious flourish. “Avada-
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