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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596451,47615 Dec 093 Sep 12No

The power of the inner monologue compels him...

Harry Potter understood what had happened. Evil Professor X had done something to him, put something in him or something. All he knew was that something was controlling his body. That thing called itself Lord Voldemort. Where had he heard that before? Sure did seem familiar.

The possession had started insignificant like a creeping cancer. Onslaught’s actions had slowly, but surely allowed the entity to take over Harry’s body. It made Harry feel sick, but he hadn’t even noticed the other presence until it had already taken control. However, as soon as it happened, Harry began his counter assault.

“Hey! That’s my body you’re using!”

“No,” said Voldemort. “It is mine! That creature recognized my deserving nature and gave me that which you never used to your potential.”

“You do realize this means war, right?”

“There is nothing you can do,” sneered the semi-undead wizard.

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Cackled Harry in a fit of mental madness. “You have no idea who you’re up against!”

“You can do nothing to harm me,” Voldemort sneered in his own perceived superiority.

“They already know you aren’t me,” Harry said with a grin. “It’s just a matter of time before they kick your ass.”

“They will only harm your body and that will have no effect on me,” Voldemort sneered.

“You’re a dumbass. Some of those guys have been wanting to hurt me for years. (Of course it’s no fault of my own: clearly it’s just misplaced anger considering my father),” Harry said. “And there’s nothing that says I’m powerless either, because I’m Henry the Eighth I am, Henry the Eighth I am, I am. I got married to the widow next door-

“You attempts at annoying me are useless,” the bodiless wizard said with a superior grin.

-She’s been married seven times before, and every one was a Henry, Henry! Never was a Willy or a Sam. No Sam! I’m her Eighth old man, I’m Henry, Henry the Eighth I am!

“You might as well stop, it is having no effect.” The voice said. “I will use your body to usher in a new wave of pureblooded domination of the Wizarding World! There is nothing you can do to stop me!”

“Second Verse, same as the first! A little bit louder and a whole lot worse! I’m Henry the Eighth I am, Henry the Eighth I am, I am. I got married to the widow next door she’s been married seven times before, and every one was a Henry, Henry! Never was a Willy or a Sam. No Sam! I’m her Eighth old man, I’m Henry, Henry the Eighth I am! I’m Henry the Eighth I am, Henry the Eighth I am, I am. I got married to the widow next door she’s been married seven times before, and every one was a Henry, Henry! Never was a Willy or a Sam. No Sam! I’m her Eighth old man, I’m Henry, Henry the Eighth I am! Henry the Eighth I am, Henry the Eighth I am, I am. I got married to the widow next door; she’s been married seven times before, and every one was a Henry, Henry! Never was a Willy or a Sam. No Sam! I’m her Eighth old man, I’m Henry, Henry the Eighth I am! I’m Henry the Eighth I am, Henry the Eighth I am, I am. I got married to the widow next door she’s been married seven times before, and every one was a Henry, Henry! Never was a Willy or a Sam. No Sam! I’m her Eighth old man, I’m Henry, Henry the Eighth I am! I’m Henry the Eighth I am, Henry the Eighth I am, I am. I got married to the widow next door she’s been married seven times before, and every one was a Henry, Henry! Never was a Willy or a Sam. No Sam! I’m her Eighth old man, I’m Henry, Henry the Eighth I am!

It didn’t seem to work that well, so Harry changed tactics.

“I’d like to introduce my guest for the night, Arthur Bea Wilson,” Harry said, gesturing to the mental personification of his superhero persona. “Arthur, take a bow.”

Arthur took a bow.

“Now, as our next piece, I’m going to sing that eternal classic by Aqua: Barbie Girl!” Harry felt a twinge of anger from the possessing spirit.

I’m a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie World. Life in Plastic, it’s fantastic. You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere. Imagination, life is your creation. Come on Barbie, let’s go party!” Harry sang Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” in his head at the top of his metaphorical lungs (considering it was all in his head). With each verse there was a little bit more anger.

“So Arthur, how many branches are there on a pureblooded family tree?"

"Branches?" Arthur asked with a shrug and a smirk. "What's that? They're all one happy, racist, xenophobic, inbred family."

"So if purebloods are so swimingly superior, how do you explain Crabbe and Goyle?" Harry asked.

"Someone peed in their gene pool," cackled Arthur Bea Wilson. "Bah-dah-bum-chiii!"

A little more anger.

Voldemort felt his urge to kill rising, but found himself prevented from harming the little cretin by some great power. It was very familiar.

“Hey Moldy Wart! How many pureblooded wizards does it take to screw in a light bulb?” Harry asked the dominating personality in his body.

"What's a lightbulb?" Arthur asked with a smirk. They both glanced over and realized the mental personification of the possessing spirit was getting red in the face from anger.

"Now, Arthur, how many really?" Harry asked.

“Eleven,” Arthur said. “One to cast the shrinking charm and ten to screw their cousins until the bulb starts to spin.”

Their cackling definitely got a bit of a reaction.

“Would you cease your prattle? As you can see I’m attempting to kill your friend here!” bellowed the possessing wizard.

“Wow, your mental personification in my head is really an @$$#0!e. You know what? Just for that I’m going to sing all of Madonna’s greatest hits as if I were Billy Holiday, and I really don't have the voice for that,” Harry said indignantly. “Like a virgin, touched for the very first time. Like a vir-er-er-gin…

Now mind you, all this was going on as Voldemort was hacking the Floo network and “pretending” to be Harry. As one could see, he wasn’t doing a very good job of it. Having only limited access to Harry’s memories, he was unable to perfectly impersonate Harry. His insanity was also of a very different variety than Harry’s, and not very compatible at that. Just as Voldemort was about to use the killing curse on Captain America, Harry decided to belch the entire Der Ring des Nibelungenin in German and used his mental armpit as the base. Arthur took all the female parts, but sang them as if he were Carrot Top.

And that last little bit pushed Voldemort over the edge.

“I WILL DESTROY YOU HARRY POTTER!” the Dark Lord screamed as he tried to mentally strangle Harry’s metaphysical form, which, of course, he couldn’t do because of a certain bit of Ancient Magic.

“What about me?” asked Arthur, feeling a little left out. The Dark Wizard’s concentration broken, Harry managed to at least haul a stalemate out of the whole deal while they magically and mentally fleshed out new plans.

"Guk guk guk! What a maroon!" Harry said in his best Bugs Bunny.




Back in the real world, the Killing curse never went off. Harry’s body went stiff and fell over like a bent caber. Wolverine shared a look with Captain America.

“You know Cap. I didn’t see that one coming,” Wolverine said as he retracted his claws once more.

======================== ======================== ========================






Let it be know to all the land that I, the one known as Dire Squirrel, own not the song Henry the Eighth, nor Aqua's Barbie Girl, nor even Madonna's Like a Virgin. Nor any of the Avengers for that matter, those are owned by Disney sadly. I do own the jokes, though.
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