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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,14115 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Making a bad situation worse...He's good at that.

In far off Asgard, Neville was learning that those Western movies Harry showed never really explained what saddle sores were. He had awakened to the stark reality. Basically everything hurt. And what hurt, hurt a lot.

“Ah, setting sun. We shalt camp here to continue your sword training,” Brunhilda said.

“Is the blade supposed to be longer than I am tall?” he had asked once, rather naively.

“Aye,” the Valkyrie had replied, much to his dismay. She said a lot of things that were much to his dismay.

“Training” as she called it, was really just him trying to hold up a sword. After several hours of sword lifting came two hours of shield training. Shield “training” involved him cowering behind a shield while Tyr hit it with a sword and (according to Neville) not pulling the blows enough. After that Sif would take him on long runs where he was taught all about the natural world and exercised to the point of exhaustion. She’d also give him surprise fencing tests where she’d randomly attack him with her sword. She was really pretty, but really scary.

And then came magical training which lasted well into the night where he was taught by all three. Basically his companions alone were much more terrifying than anything Snape could have ever done. Together they were almost too much to imagine and he’d been working with them for months. The magical training was the hardest.

“Hmm…perhaps we’ll have to hang thee,” mused Tyr, stroking his beard in contemplation. The Valkyrie shrugged.

“’Twas of good use to Odin,” she said simply. Neville’s eyes grew very wide as he was dragged off to a particularly large tree with rune marked leaves.

“I-I-I think I’ll do well the other way,” he protested.

“Nonsense,” said Sif, holding out a noose. “Art thou a size sixteen and a half?”


== == == == == == ==

In the Excalibur Lighthouse...
“So,” said Captain Britain. “You skipped school, dodged the people tracking you and escaped here because you were bored.”

“Yeah, wouldn’t you be if you were stuck with a whole bunch of inbred fools who are so backwards they think the feminist movement is a bowel problem?”

“I cannot say I’ve had the experience to compare,” the eponymous British superhero said, scratching his jaw in thought. "And you really might not want to use that particular phrasing to describe them that way in the future."

"One of them really asked me that. Hermione corrected them. And you know, if I'd asked something like that she would have strangled me, she just went into teacher mode instead."

Kitty Pryde cut them off and dragged the conversation back on topic. “Why are you here?”

“Well, since I’m an X-men, or is that X-Man, but X-Man is the interdimentional clone of Cable, who is sort of my uncle because he swapped DNA with my dad, well not yet, but he will because they visited me last year from the future so I know it will happen or something because all that time travel stuff is really confusing and causing new realities to pop up all over the multi-verse, and I guess that makes X-Man, also known as Nate Grey, my uncle as well, which makes everything so confusing, because then there is only one real X-Man, but a group of X-Men. But anyways, I was thinking that since I’m one of the X-Men, we should totally have a team up. But let’s skip the obligatory mistaken identity thingy where we fight each other until we realize it’s all part of some bad guys’ plans who decided to swap heroes in the hopes that they could defeat each other’s nemesis and so then we can team up and defeat them together preemptively and then we can party and I know some great places around if you need suggestions.”

The collective members of Excalibur stared blankly at the rambling mass of words and sought out the meaning within.

“Wait,” said Rachel Summers, the interdimenional daughter of Scott Summers and Jean Grey from the future that no longer exists, pausing the conversation. “This is why you keep calling me ‘Auntie Rachel’?”

“Yup!” said Harry happily, giving her a little hug.

“I’ll be the first one to say that’s a little creepy,” Kitty Pryde said.

“I second,” said Kurt.

“I third,” said Colossus.

“There’s nothing weird about family,” Harry said. “It’s not my fault the family’s all screwy. That happened long before I was involved.”

“You’re family is very confusing,” Captain Britain admitted to his redheaded teammate.

“You’re the one to talk,” Rachel said. “You got your powers from Avalon and your sister isn’t even biologically related to you anymore since she swapped bodies with Revenant. Oh, and your father isn’t even a native of this plane of existence. That’s not even mentioning your big brother.”

“Hmmm…” he said. “I can see your point.”

It was about then that they heard the door open. Harry quickly pulled on his mask, turning into his alter ego, Arthur Bea Wilson and shot the intruder with his trank gun. “Ha! Take that evil doer!”

Pete Wisdom stared at Harry for a moment and fell flat on his face. Lockheed flew over and sent a puff of cigar smoke in the secret agent’s face.

“Uh, Harry?” Shadowcat asked.


“That was my boyfriend.”

“Oh,” Harry said. “Well, I’d apologize, but the dragon here says he’s an ass. Except, you know, not literally.”

Shadowcat was about to protest that the Dragon didn't talk, but the rest of Excalibur just nodded their heads silently in agreement behind her. The door opened again, this time to reveal Megan with an armful of groceries.

“Hi, guys, I’m back!”

Thuu! Thuu! Thuu!

Three more darts flew at her, landing on her neck. A moment later, she too fell over in a heap.

“She is my girlfriend, Harry,” corrected Captain Britain.


“Vat is in those darts Harry,” Kurt Wagner asked.

“Well, it’s either sleep potion or paralysis potion, I don’t really know which,” the young wizard replied.

“Zat could be a problem,” stated the German mutant.

“Well, if it’s the sleep potion, it should wear off in a bit.”

“And ze ozzer?”

“We’d have to give them the counter potion.”

“And do you haave zis potion?”

“Nah, I don’t know how to make it yet, but I think I’ll be learning next year,” Harry explained.

“We can’t wait that long,” Captain Britain said, getting a little angry. “Can you learn how to make the potion?”

“Hey, don’t blame me, blame the Wizarding establishment that won’t let me practice magic outside of school,” Harry said. “It’s a stupid law, but well, just about everything’s stupid when it comes to the Wizarding World.”

“What’s the Wizarding World?” asked Captain Britain.

“Wow, you’re a magic origin hero and you don’t know?”

One explanation of the Wizarding World later…
“You mean they have complete dominion over everything and no form or restrictions or common laws?”

“Nope,” said Harry. “I heard they sent people away without trials before too. They don’t even know what the Magna Charta or British Common Law are, and trust me, I’ve asked.”

A few minutes later…
Cornelius Fudge was having a grand old time in his office. He had a new decanter of fire-whiskey, a basketful of his eponymous confectionery delights, and certain young and attractive ministry official coming to visit very soon. That was until a certain man wearing a Union Jack burst through the walls.

“How dare you!” the Minister of Magic said, puffing himself up to his full height. A shame it didn’t match his ego.

“How dare I what?” Captain Britain asked, hovering above the self important lout.

“me-me-me wall, me-me-me door, me-me-me laws,” Fudge said in an impressive, but unintentional, impression of Beaker from the Muppets.

“We’re going to have a little discussion about a few things…”

And that’s when a few Aurors burst in and hexed the superhero. He was soon shipped off to Azkaban since they assumed only a Wizard could fly.

“So, Brian’s been kidnapped by wizards and thrown in a wizard prison,” Megan asked, having slept for about three days (it was sleeping potion after all). “Without a trial.”

“Yep,” said Harry, happily munching on a sandwich. “But he did pull a superman and burst through the wall, so there was some property damage to consider.”

“Not only do you shoot me, but you get my boyfriend, the greatest superhero of this nation, kidnapped and hidden away in a prison where no one has ever escaped.”

“Hey! I didn’t mean for the second one to happen!” Harry protested. “It’s not like it’s gonna be hard to sneak him out. Just have Kitty walk through the walls, grab his hand and pull him out! Or have Kurt teleport in and teleport back out! It’s as simple as that!”

“He’s actually right on that one,” Kitty Pryde said with a shrug. She turned down to Harry. “I’m going to need someone to help me check what to look out for.”

“Awesome, I’m in!” said Harry. This was SURE to cure his long stretch of boredom.

“And we’ll need a distraction,” Kurt said.

“Oh, I have just the thing,” Harry said ominously.
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