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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,34315 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Showdown at the Azkaban Corral


“Ah, finally, an unoccupied cell,” the wizard in charge said. There was nothing but a dog curled up in a corner. “Fine then, bin him.” Brian Braddock found himself unceremoniously tossed into the cell. “There ye go. Even got a dog to keep you company.”

Some how, the spell they had used temporarily drained him of his power. He could feel it growing and coming back, but it could be several days or even a week before he was strong enough to escape.

“Well then. Guess it’s just you and me, fella,” Brian said to the large black dog next to him. “At least they didn’t take the costume away.”

“So this is Azkaban?” Meggan asked. “That triangular shaped building?”

“I see a square tower,” Kitty said.

“I as well,” Nightcrawler agreed.

“A triangle,” reported Colossus.

“A hoolahoop,” said Harry. “…what?”

Meggan is an empathy of the highest order. She is equally affected and able to affect emotions. As they approached she suddenly felt the aura of despair surrounding the castle. The power of it was debilitating, almost forcing her out of the sky into a tumbling roll.

Harry swooped down on his broom and caught her. “What was that all about?”

“Such depression, it is as if the stones of the tower itself cry out in despair and seek to end their own existence,” she replied in an overly dramatic tone.

“It’s not a depression, just a recession,” Harry said dismissively.

“We’re not talking about economics here,” Kitty chided.

“Neither am I,” Harry said with a shrug. Harry pulled out a map of England. “Here’s where we need a distraction,” he said pointing to Diagon Alley. “And I’ll send one to Hogwarts and then I’ll do one here. That should solve the problem.”

“How are you going to distract them?”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan.”

In Gringott’s a goblin took the note from the small yellow mouse. The yellow and black mouse wore a bandana over it’s face to disguise it’s identity. Other yellow bipedal mice wore masks of dead presidents over their faces. All were armed with small, but hefty weaponry.

The note said: “This is a stick up.”

The goblin at the counter raised its arms.

“Pika!” snarled the masked mouse, motioning with its gun for the goblin to back away. Jumping through a crack that few could sneak through, it held out a bag and motioned for a goblin to start filling it up with coins.

One goblin started edging towards the alarm, but stopped as the masked mouse shot its hand.

“Pika, piiiika,” threatened a bandit in a low growl. The goblin wisely started moving away from the alarm.

It was all going so well until a middle-aged redheaded couple walked in, having just won a prize they wanted to deposit in their vault. Molly and Arthur Weasley found themselves in a very precarious situation.

“Molly, this may have been a poor day to go to the bank,” Arthur said as a mouse paralyzed him with a touch.

The man fell over in a heap. Molly held up her hands and started moving away. The bag of galleons was snatched out of her hands

“I knew that prize was too good to be true!”

“Okay, the distraction has begun,” Harry announced.

“What is it?” Kitty asked.

“Oh, it isn’t important, just exploiting a few holes in their defenses is all,” Harry explained. “First of all we need to save Brian.”

“So where would he be exactly?” Meggan asked.

“I don’t know, I’ve never been here before,” Harry said. The remaining members of Excalibur looked upon him with glares that could almost make paint peel. “Hey! You wouldn’t have even found it if it wasn’t for me!”

“Brian would be in there if it wasn’t for you,” Meggan growled.

“pff! Semantics!” Harry said, brushing it off. Meggan would have normally been more forceful, but her empathic awareness was being bombarded by the creeping depression the prison gave off. This needed to get done as soon as possible, or she might succumb as well.

“Have they given any demands?” asked Kingsley Shacklebolt. He and a number of other aurors were waiting outside what they had determined as the outer range of the little creatures’ lightning bolts.

“Well,” said Tonks, a freshly minted auror. She had morphed her ears to listen in on their conversation. “I think so.”

“You think so?”

The lead auror waved his wand and cast a voice-enlarging-charm so he could be heard inside. “We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!”

Pika-Pika!” was the reply, complete with a raised middle finger. Rather impressive for something without opposable thumbs. Shacklebolt turned to his younger coworker for an explanation.

“Oh, you do not want me to translate that,” Tonks said, blushing at the statement.

“Okay, so here’s the plan,” Harry said. “Kitty and Kurt will coordinate by searching and keeping an eye out for monsters. Meggan’s gonna stay back because she’s wigged out by the emotions around here. Colossus and I are going to team up with Wolverine when he shows up randomly.”

“I thought Logan was in Japan right now,” Kitty pondered.

“Yup,” said Harry.

“I heard dat he vas in Argentina fighting Sentinels,” Kurt pointed out.

“Yup,” said Harry. “But that’s only in his self titled book and Uncanny. He’s due for a crossover anyway. Soon he’ll be right here with no exposition as to how he got here and he’s gonna start slicing up guards. It’s okay, they’re just monsters.”

“Sometimes you make no sense at all,” Kitty said.

“Yup,” said Harry with a grin.

“I think I know what they’re asking for,” Tonks reported dutifully. “They want a chopper.”

Accio cleaver,” ensorcelled Shacklebolt. There was an immediate protest of Pika! from the bank entrance. Tonks shook her head.

“No, they want a flying chopper,” she said with a confused look.

“But that’s against the ban on enchanting muggle artifacts!” exclaimed her shocked superior.

“I know!” agreed Tonks.

Heads turned at the sound of a scream echoing through the region. Dementor parts started flying every which way (or witch way, as the case may be)

“See!” Harry said as they watched the Canadian mutant tear through the prison’s guards. “I told you he’d be here!”

“Let’s go get Brian,” Kitty said, phasing through the roof, dragging Kurt with her. Harry looked up at Meggan and grinned.

“Keep projecting confidence in us, we’re gonna need it,” he said with a grin.

“Uh, sir,” one muggelborn auror whispered quietly. “A chopper is American slang for a helicopter.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a flying machine.”

“Muggles have flying machines?” asked a flabbergasted Cornelius Fudge, who had come to observe when he heard the news.

“Yes, Minister Fudge.”

“Since when?”

“For about a century, Minister. They tend to be quite widely used.”

“Why didn’t anyone tell me about this? They could see us on brooms! They could disrupt the quidditch matches! They could-“

“Minister,” Shacklebolt said sharply. The man in question was momentarily stunned at the interruption. “We are in the middle of a hostage situation, why don’t we deal with that problem later?” He turned back to the bank. “We can’t get a chopper! We don’t have any place to land it!” Shacklebolt announced. There were a few angry Pika! sounds before a small red and white ball flew out at the aurors. There was suddenly a very large basilisk slithering towards them. Most observers took the moment to make themselves scarce.

It ends up that Dementors are not cut proof, nor are they bulletproof. Wolverine, having been a little upset after being turned into the Horseman War by Apocalypse, had just been wandering between issues in an attempt to work out some aggravation. Killing monsters tends to help with that. Harry, as the intrepid adventurer/wanted criminal/would-be super-hero Arthur Bea Wilson, was using guns because 1) he was finally allowed to use lethal force against monsters with a soul sucking kiss, and 2) it was fun. Between the two of them, they provided a pretty good distraction while Kurt and Kitty used their superior stealth and infiltration techniques to seek out the wayward Captain Britain.

“He’s not wayward,” Meggan had grumbled after Harry used the term. “He’s incarcerated.”

Harry had just shrugged and made some generic humorous, but sarcastic comment.

“Hey Logan! I bet I can kill more of these guys than you can!”

“Yer on kid.”

With that the two managed to press through the area with an abandon few could match. Dementors died by the score and Arthur laughed the entire time. Every once in a while Logan would retract the claws and burn the face of one with his cigar.

Colossus was much more civilized. He just punched their faces in.

This was, of course, solely possible because of Meggan’s empathic powers. She was reinforcing them to not feel the depressing aura emitted by Azkaban’s soul sucking guards and simultaneously protecting herself by making everyone more confidant. It was still a little boring waiting for everyone else.

Kitty and Kurt were having a slightly harder time. After the first part of the attack, the wizard keepers had quickly sent all the supernatural creatures to the rather large threat at the entrance. That did seem like it would make things easier right? Well, it might by easier, but that doesn’t mean it was easy. Azkaban was filled with cells in various states of disrepair and often filled with the remains of their previous occupants. Some were actually still occupying the cells, even if they weren’t still alive. After fighting off two litches, they decided to just walk down the hallways. After what seemed like hours (and might well have been; time is warped in the wizarding prison), they came across Brian scratching a dog’s head.

“Hey guys, how are things going?”

“Captain Britain, vhy are you shtill vearing dee coshtume?” Nightcrawler asked.

“They never took it away. I don’t even think they know what my face looks like,” Captain Britain replied. “My power was returning quickly anyway, so I knew we were still on Britain’s soil. It was just a matter of time before I broke myself out and went about this all a different way.”

“We’d best be getting out of here,” Kitty interjected.

“They’ve got a BASILISK?” Rufus Scrimgeour screamed.

“Yes, but it does not seem to be attacking, it’s just parading back and forth,” Shacklebolt pondered, confused by the behavior. “It’s preventing us from getting very close.”

“I think this is something bigger,” Moody growled from behind them. He had just arrived from Scotland and had to march in as the Floo was shut down and an anti-apparition field was put up to prevent escape. “There’s a dark wizard orchestrating all of this, I am sure of it.”

The other aurors groaned inwardly. There was always a dark wizard involved if Moody had his way. Although they had missed that whole thing about Quirrell. And the Dark Wizard that had been terrorizing Hogwarts by petrifaction…wait a minute.

“This must be the same dark wizard that’s been terrorizing Hogwarts by petrifaction!” Scrimgeour declared in a moment of self important promotion of his self worth.

“Well duh,” said Tonks.

“Uh, guys, I just got an owl,” Gawain Robards reported. “Azkaban’s been attacked.”

Captain Britain was well escaped, but Harry and Logan just wouldn’t stop. Every time one of them killed off a dementor, the other just had to keep up the pace. It was now 76 Wolverine, 74 Arthur Bea Wilson. Wait, make that 79 Wolverine, 74 Arthur Bea Wilson. Er, rather 88 Wolverine, 74 Arthur Bea Wilson. What’s that mysterious clicking sound? Oh, that’s the sound of empty clips in doorknobs. Arthur had run out of ammo. He should have never given his extra doorknobs to his distractions.

Wolverine grinned. It was a very evil looking grin. “Sorry kid, them’s the breaks. Go get a reusable weapon next time.”

“You’ll pay for this Wolverine!”

Wolverine rolled his eyes. “Really, kid?”

“Nope, but I’m gonna make your life hell"

Wolverine just grinned and sliced his way through a few more dementors, through a cell wall and then out the side. Arthur and a dog looked down the side of the castlesque prison. The dog looked up at Arthur with a worried look. Wolverine healed the damage from the fall and preceded to start swimming across the Atlantic.

“Oh, he’ll be fine. He’s slated to appear back in Uncanny next month, but he doesn’t really have many other guest appearances before then.”

The dog just looked confused. It looked up to the tall, silent man seemingly made of metal. Colossus just sadly shrugged and nodded.

“Why didn’t we hear about this until now?” Fudge snarled, miraculously back in hearing distance after running away in fear and wet pants. “Azkaban attacked! Gringott’s held up! What’s next? Dark wizards invading Hogwarts under the guise of being professors?”

“That was last year,” Tonks corrected with a grin. She flinched at a dark look from her mentor.

“The Floo Network was down to prevent escapes,” Robards explained. “We had no way to know what was happening until now.”

“That needs to be changed,” Shacklebolt commented. “We need contact in an emergency. This was poorly dealt with, wait, are those mice mooning us?”

“Does that even count? I mean, they weren’t even wearing clothes in the first place,” Tonks pointed out.

The Mysterious Arthur Bea Wilson and his metal friend were retrieved by their dastardly associates. All that was left were a lonely dog in his cell, a mass of rubble and a whole slew of dead dementors.

High up in the prison, a dog looked about the remains of his cell. He’d been feeling strangely confidant for the past few hours, but he just attributed that to the large numbers of dead dementors. The dog looked left and the dog looked right. Seeing no one there but other prisoners (and he wasn’t too concerned about their wellbeing), the dog walked out of the prison unmolested.

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