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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596425,92415 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Friends, Super-Powers and Serious Talks

Needless to say, I decided to keep Arthur. It took some getting used to, but I managed to beat Cable once with his help.

“CABLE!”

“Deadpool,” he said, gritting his teeth. I’d been paid to pick up this little piece of something that someone wanted. Meh, I don’t even remember what it was. But here Cable was and all his little…New Monkeys? Wait that wasn’t right. X-Funk? Nope. Whatever.

“Cable!” I waited a few beats, but he just braced himself for my attack. “No, no, no, no. You’re supposed to say my name again. Cable! Deadpool. Cable! Deadpool. Like that!”

“I don’t care what you’re here for, but I’m going to stop you,” that fun loving, techno-organic infested, telepathic mutant said in a sweet tone.

“Fine,” I said, reaching behind me and pulling out a strangely shaped sword.

“hehehhehehehe,” giggled Arthur the Katana.

“Deadpool, I don’t know what you’re doing with that kid, but you’d better put him down now,” Cable growled at me.

“Arthur! What are you doing where my sword should be?”

“It’s Harry!” I sighed. Poor little Arthur, he still refers to himself by that ridiculous name. I blame Copy Cat. She caught him when he was young. He giggled again. “And your sword is over your other shoulder.”

Right. I knew that.

“Wait, is he your kid?” Asked the amazingly beautiful and super sexy Syren, that Irish Goddess who haunts my dreams and I occasionally teleport next to while she’s sleeping. Did that show up in a little yellow box? Cool. We’re good.

“Sort of. Someone dropped him on my doorstep a while back,” I replied. I have it on good authority that chicks dig guys good with kids. I might not know who that authority is, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got them stashed in my closet somewhere. “We’ve been together ever since. Isn’t that right?”

“Yup!” nodded an enthusiastic Arthur the Katana. I put him back on my back so he became Arthur the Backpack accessory again and then pulled out my sword. As little Arthur regaled them of our adventures over the past two years (and a few that only took place when we played decapitate-the-GI-Joe), I maneuvered things so I could sneak the data disk, yeah, that’s what it was, and put it in my pocket. “And that’s when Daddy Deadpool cut off the guy’s arm like this!” Little Arthur made a slashing motion with his hand.

It worked out pretty well. Cable and his merry band weren’t about to shoot me with a kid on my back.


“Hey Arthur!”

“I’m Harry!”

“Whatever,” I said. Poor, poor boy. So young to have an identity crisis. “I’m gonna go kill some guys, so you hang out in the Reptile house until I’m done.”

“Yay!” It really makes me proud when he cheers me on. So I went off to shoot some guy for money while little Arthur played with the snakes. He really loves snakes for some reason.

After two bullets and two dead bodies, I went back to find the place in an uproar. Here comes Arthur with two hands full of python.

“I didn’t know this was a petting zoo.”

“He told me it was cool.”

“Who told you?”

“Nancy,” he said holding up the snake. “He’s really happy to be free. He eats birds and rats and says he likes the slow, fat ones best. He also ate a cat once.”

“How’d you find all this out?”

“He told me.”

Under my mask, I was starting to cry tears of joy.

“Arthur! Your first Super-power!” I screamed, pulling the six year old into a hug. Picking him up, we walked out with a python named Nancy and $65000 in cash after I killed those guys. It was the best father’s day ever!



Arthur and I had years of fun after that. But it was all about to end because of some guy called Black Swan. This was a serious thing, so I really needed to explain to Arthur the how and why of death.

“Arthur?”

“Yeah?”

“Next time I kick it, you get all my doorknobs,” I said in all seriousness. “And my money goes in your college fund until I get better. And then I get to spend it any way I want.”

“How do you know you’ll get better?”

“It’s my name on the title of the comic. They never kill off the title character permanently,” I replied.

“Okay,” he said before going back to watching the Golden Girls. I’ve trained him so well. *sob* I’m just so proud.


And then I died.
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