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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,22915 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Not quite like visiting the Griswold's...



Dudley Dursley looked at the boy on the step with confusion. Which was completely understandable considering the boy in question was wearing Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, Alaskan Malamute fur boots, a Chinese inflatable inner tube with a badly painted smiley face, and a Canadian tuque. It was his thinking tuque.

“Mom! There’s a crazy kid on the doorstep!”

“Oh Dudders,” Petunia said before jumping in surprise at the fashion monstrosity on her doorstep.

“Hi! I’m Harry Potter, your nephew. I’m forcing my way into your house for a few months because I arranged to have my entire fortune stolen from a wizarding bank so I can multiply it by dealing in the bullion markets and I need to stay out of the limelight for a while until it calms down. Oh, and just until the next semester starts up again. But I might end up going to the Xavier Institute again. I am an X-Man after all.”

“Dear,” Petunia called to her husband. “There’s a crazy boy on the step!”

“Wow, you’re fat,” Harry told his uncle, having managed to slip inside the door. “Are you related to Freddie Dukes?”

Vernon Dursley went red in the face.

“Now look here you smarmy little-“

“That’s really not good for your health, you probably won’t make it to fifty if you keep that up,” Harry said. “You should really loose some weight. I recommend the fleshing eating bacteria diet. I think I can get some from a Hydra lab my dad raided recently. Not all of them hurt, cuz the best ones eat away at the pain sensors first.”

“You little terror! Get out of my house!”

Harry didn’t respond for a long moment.

“Wow, you’re an asshole.”

Vernon physically picked the boy up by the shoulders and started to move him out the door, but stopped when he realized he was looking down the barrel of a gun. A very big gun.

“Hi! Name’s Wade Wilson, I hear my kid’s staying here?”

“Hi Dad!”


“It’s Harry!”

“Whatever!” Deadpool said giving his son a hug while still pointing a gun in Vernon’s face. He glanced up at the huge man. “Hey, are you related to Freddie Dukes?”

“I don’t think there’s any Dukes in the family at all,” commented Petunia in an attempt to avoid her husband’s death. “ah, who’s Freddie Dukes?”

“The Blob,” Harry and Deadpool said in perfect unison.

“Harry! I got you a present!”

“Great! What is it?”

“It’s a pipe bomb!” Deadpool said. Leaning closely he whispered in Harry’s ear in a conspiring tone. “I made it out of real bagpipes.”

“It’s awesome!” Harry said. “I’ll use it next time I need to blow up part of Hogwarts!”

“I know it would come in handy!” Deadpool said proudly.

“Did he just say ‘Hogwarts’?” pondered a promptly pale Petunia preparing powerful pot roast potatoes.

“Yep,” said Harry. “And how can pot roast potatoes be powerful?”


“Oh, I was just reading what the author had written, it doesn’t make much sense,” Harry commented.

SHUSH, said the author.

Harry shushed.

“So then Wolverine and I killed a whole bunch of guards while the rest of Excalibur broke Captain Britain out of jail,” Harry finished.

“You’re a liar! Captain Britain wouldn’t get put in jail! He’s a hero!”

Harry and Wade looked at Dudley, then looked at each other. Then they gave Dudley a swirly.

“Vernon, what do you want to have for dinner?”

“Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga,” chanted the unwelcome house guests. Vernon looked like he was about to protest, but Deadpool put his hand on a nearby doorknob. Then he grabbed the correct one filled with chemical propellant and shells and not the one connected to the door. Vernon’s bluster quickly vanished.

“Chimichangas would be wonderful Petunia,” sweated Harry’s rotund uncle.

“We’re being kept hostage!” hissed Vernon to his wife. “You never said your sister married one of those people!”

“She didn’t,” a worried Petunia said. “She married a different sort, not a good sort, but a different sort.”

“We need to inform the authorities and have them removed!”

“Hey, there’s some fat lady at the door crying over a dead bulldog,” Harry said. “She started crying when Daddy shot the dog.”

“Marge! Oh no!” moaned Vernon. “I forgot she was coming.”

“Maybe we could all sneak out the back when they’re eating dinner?” Petunia suggested.

“Good idea!”

“So you raise bulldogs.”

The sobbing Marjorie Dursley nodded as she looked down the barrel of Deadpool’s gun. He had let her come inside.

“Bulldogs suck,” Harry said. “They’re so stringy and tough, they’re like chewing leather. You can’t even make jerky with ‘em.”

“Not bad if stewed for a few days,” his Dad said. they looked at the dead dog on the welcome mat, then looked back at each other.

A moment later Petunia found herself cooking up a batch of bulldog stew.

“Save the skin if you can,” Deadpool called into the kitchen. He leaned over and gave the former owner a knowing look. “They’re great for pillow cases.”

Marge started sobbing again.

“So, Dad, why are you here?”

“Oh, came back to life, got a semi clone in the form of a no longer so dead guy named Agent X, and got a contract from some blue guys,” Deadpool said. “I’m taking a short break since I was in the area. It only took torturing three guys in dresses before they told me where you were.”

“Wow, their security sucks.”

“I know!”

(Dear Faithful Readers: This takes place in the middle of Cable/Deadpool #1. Other than that we’re pretty much ignoring things like time-lines or the normal passage of time. It’s based on a comic book after all. Only in comics can a character be around for over forty years and still be 27. )

“So how long will you be around?”

“Just for today,” Deadpool said. “I’m on a deadline.” He paused and looked around. “Where’d the Rhino go to?”

In Hogwarts a lonely fun ball rolled down the empty hallways during the winter break.

“so-o-o-oh hungry…” bemoaned the diminutive super-villain rolling down the hallway. Behind him Mrs. Norris licked her lips.

“Awe, look at the time. Gotta get to France,” Deadpool said, finishing up his not-so-tough bulldog sandwich.

“Bye Dad!”

“Where are you going after this?”

“Gold markets, then I’m heading back to the states,” Harry told him as they walked out the door.

“Finally! We’ve escaped!” Petunia said as the four Dursleys ran down the road, far from 4 Privet Drive. Vernon gleefully called the police. He was later arrested for making a false report after the police found no evidence of anything out of the ordinary. Ordinary safe for the fact that this time Dudley was on the receiving end of a swirly.

Harry spent a few unsupervised months wreaking havoc (not the mutant) on various parts of Wizarding and “muggle” UK. These were rather generic events and due to some hilarious events, everything was blamed on Black Tom, which just increased the number of people hunting him down and the respect he had in the criminal community.

Harry also discovered that gold was measured in 12 ounces to a pound, not the standard 16, something he found extraordinarily stupid and so he switched to the metric system.

Harry had one more thing he needed to do before heading back to Xavier’s. A friend had asked him a favor, and Harry was loathe to refuse. Harry walked out of the final meal for that year with the Sorting Hat on his head and together they danced off stage right singing a duet that would bring tears to Frank Sinatra’s eyes. Probably because it was so bad.

“Start spreadin’ da news!” sang the Sorting Hat.
“We’re leaving today!” Harry continued.
“Gonna make a bran’ new start uv it-“ continued the enchanted artifact.
“-In Old New York!” they sang together.
“If we ken make it dere-”
“We’ll make it aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyy where!”
“Come on-“
“-Come to-“
“New York-“
“Neeeew Yoooooooooooooooork!”

After they vanished there was a long moment of stunned silence broken only by the sound of crickets.

“Albus,” McGonagall said quietly, which, of course, the whole school heard. “He just stole the Sorting Hat.”

“Liberated more like it.” Pomona Sprout huffed under her breath so not even her fellow teachers could hear. “Glory to the revolution!”

She was a Hufflepuff after all.

New York, New York
Written by: Fred Ebb
Written by: John Kander
Paraphrased and warped by: Me,

...and, Fred, John, I'm really sorry about that.
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