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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596458,39515 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Education and Job Shadowing


“You see Stephen,” Jean Grey said. “We’re concerned that Harry isn’t getting the education he needs. He’s being taught by people who don’t even know what a helicopter is.”

“Oh, that quaint tribe in the south Sahara? A lovely people.”

“No, they live in the UK, but they don’t know who Captain Britain is,” Scott said, just a little amused by the fact, having now heard the story from both sides. “Harry’s completely out of control. He needs structure, and he isn’t getting any at Hogwarts. We’re concerned that he might be more likely to follow in his father’s footsteps rather than follow our example.”

“And who is his father? Some fellow magician who fell off the path?” the Sorcerer Supreme inquired.

“No, Deadpool,” Scott corrected. Dr. Strange blinked.

“By the Vishanti! I’m sorry, did you just say Deadpool?”

“Yes,” Jean confirmed. “He’s been raised by Wade Wilson since he was a foundling years ago.”

“By the Hoary Hosts of Hogarth! I mean Hoggoth. This is worse than I thought,” Dr. Strange said. He was so befuzzeled by the news he was mixing up artists with magical entities.

“He has real trouble with ethics and moral issues. He has trouble with boundaries and rules,” Jean revealed. “He’s rather like Deadpool without the medical condition causing him to go insane. He became that way by upbringing alone.”

“Unfortunately, I am unable to take on another apprentice,” Dr. Strange replied grimly. “However, I do know someone with considerable magical ability and a knack with children with special conditions.”

“Miss Clea?” Jean said hopefully.

“Oh, no,” Stephen said. “Clea is running a revolution against her uncle in the Dark Dimension right now. I was thinking of Agatha Harkness.”

“Isn’t she supposed to be dead?” asked Jean.

“Perhaps ‘Currently Deceased’ would be a better term,” Dr. Strange pondered.

“You act like people come back from the dead all the time,” Jean said. She looked to her husband for him to back him up on this. He could have commented on the irony of Jean’s statement, but years of living with telepaths had forced him to learn that some thoughts are best kept in one’s own head. He chose instead to just shrug and look innocent. It was a good thing Jean couldn’t see him rolling his eyes.

“Regardless, Ms. Harkness would be the best candidate,” Dr. Strange said. “Where is young Harry right now?”

“Ororo got him a job shadow position,” Scott said. “We were hoping it would help ground him in the real world.”

At that very moment:

“Peter Parker,
Peter Parker,
Prints Photos, any size,
Aggravation is his prize,
Look out! Here comes Peter Parker,”
Harry sang.

The photographer in question was quite sure he’d heard the tune before, but wasn’t quite sure where. He wasn’t even sure why he had been chosen for the Job Shadowing.

“Peter Parker
Peter Parker,
Troubled Toiling, Pete Parker
Time and Time,
He’s been ignored,
Small Paycheck is his reward,
Hey guys, he’s just Peter Parker.”

Robby looked at the exasperated Peter Parker to the kid currently job shadowing him. “What’s with the song Peter?”

“I don’t know, he’s been singing it since that 9th avenue opening ceremony I shot this morning,” the photographer said grimly.

"In the chill of the night,
At the scene of a crime,
He takes photographs,
To make one more dime.”

“Kinda catchy,” said Betty Brand with a grin on her face.

“Oh, please don’t you start singing along,” Peter begged.

Peter Parker,
Peter Parker,
Friendly Bugle Photographer.”

“How long has he known you?” Robby asked, unable to keep the grin off his face.

“Too long if he’s been able to compose a song about me,” Peter said.

"Is he cool?
Listen dude,
He sees Mary Jane in the nude,
Even if J. Jonah fills him with dread,
He earns enough for his daily bread,
Look out!
Here comes Mr. Jameson!”

“PARKER! Get in here!” commanded the cigar smoking Editor-in-Chief from his office. No one noticed the dark look on the boy’s face at the appearance of his arch-nemesis. Of course, no one (including J. Jonah Jameson) knew that Harry considered the EiC as his arch-nemesis.

Peter ran inside and showed off the photos after which the usual mantra of “crap, crap, crap, crap, okay, I’ll give you a deal and pay five dollars for the lot of them,” could be heard through the glass. Peter did his usual counter offer and after a few minutes it was settled at a more reasonable amount. Peter then had another assignment at the Museum of Natural History.

"To him, life is a multi-car pile up,
But he overcomes all hang ups,
That’s why we’re all Parker fans!”

“I need a recording of this to send to MJ,” Betty Brant said with a smirk. Robby just chuckled and went back to work.

The Museum of Natural History is right off Central Park and one of the most majestic structures in the city. It also houses many priceless artifacts both on and off display which makes it a popular target for a wide variety of costumed villains.

In this particular case the object in question was a particularly large diamond that made Kohinoor look like a simple bauble. The costumed individuals were more accomplished thieves and mercenaries rather than outright villains, but were reasonably well known as B.A.D. Girls Inc., three dangerous women who were quite nearly the best at what they do.

Peter was assigned to the opening of a paleontology display where scientists were showing how the dinosaurs from the Savage Land had evolved in the 65 million years since they kicked it everywhere else. Harry was following close at his side. After a few good shots, Harry needed to take care of some business.

“Hey,” Harry said in an overloud voice. “I need to take a leak.”

Heads turned, some shushed him. Peter blushed in embarrassment considering some of these scientists had been his professors at Empire State.

“It’s just down that corridor towards the geology displays,” Peter said. Harry followed the directions perfectly, took care of business and walked out, only to get hot pink elbow in the eye.

“Diamondback! I thought you said no one was here right now,” hissed a statuesque woman in a black leotard.

“Asp was supposed to make sure everything was clear,” the formerly reformed thief hissed back as she held Harry by the shoulders.

“Don’t I know you guys from somewhere?” Harry asked. Black Mamba raised an eyebrow and a smirk.

“I don’t think many people would refer to us three as ‘guys’ ever,” she said. Using her darkforce powers, she sent the tendrils towards the kid. “Sorry kid, but this will only last for a little bit. It won’t be too bad, the darkforce gives you your greatest desire.”

“Hey, guys, what’s up?” asked Asp as she arrived from neutralizing the guards. She glanced at their latest visitor and her eyes grew wide. “Oh, shi-“

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