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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,26215 Dec 093 Sep 12No

No Picnic

“Excuse me, there is a phone call for Jean and Scott,” Wong said, poking his head into the study.

“Thank you Wong, we’ll take it in here,” Jean said. Dr. Strange motioned to an antique style phone. Scott picked it up and listened for a bit.

“Thanks Logan, we’ll go pick him up,” Scott said. “Harry’s been picked up by the police in Central Park and we need to bring a new set of clothes. Logan didn’t say what happened.”

Dr. Stephen Strange did not envy Harry Potter when Jean got her hands on him.

To really understand what happened to bring this event to pass, we need to go back to an earlier point in the day:

Peter was starting to get worried that Harry had gotten lost. The kid might have been occasionally annoying, but he was still a kid under his care. He walked over to the geology wing just in time to see Black Mamba, Diamondback, and Asp run towards him like their pants were on fire.

“It’s not supposed to work that way!” Black Mamba protested.

“Well, something went wrong,” growled Diamondback.

“Why don’t we just get out of here?!” insisted Asp as they booked it out the front entrance, their planned escape route cut off.

“I’m sorry! The Darkforce isn’t supposed to have any real effect! It’s just supposed to be an illusion!”

“Yeah, well it had a bit more effect than that!” Asp snapped.

“I thought his greatest desire would be, you know, well us maybe, he is a teenager,” Black Mamba argued.

“How was I supposed to know his greatest desire was to turn into a dinosaur?!”

“Well it is!”

Peter was slightly alarmed when he heard their conversation and had plenty of reason to be. Looking down the corridor where they had come, Peter Parker saw the distinctive tawny shape of an immature allosaurus. A quick glance revealed no observers, so the photographer jumped into the shadows and turned into his alter ego, the spectacular, and and even occasionally amazing, Spider-Man.

When Spider-Man finally got outside, the average person was running and screaming at the sight of a dinosaur running out of the Museum of Natural History. Which was a little silly because it tended to happen about once a week. Sometimes they were robot-dinosaurs or dragons, but it wasn’t that rare to have large reptilian critters escaping the confines of history. The running and escaping he could understand, but the constant surprise was a little irritating.

This particular dinosaur was running through Central Park like a bat out of hell. His target, (and a quick inspection did reveal it to be male), was apparently the three members of B.A.D. Girls, who were now running in three directions. They had a few narrow escapes, but were still in possession of lives and limbs.

Spidey shot out a massive web, tripping and tangling the dinosaur for a time. Since the museum was right across from Avenger’s Mansion, they usually took care of the dinosaurs, so Spidey didn’t have quite the same experience fighting them as other costumed heroes. He wasn’t sure how long it would take for the allosaurus to escape his webbing.

“It isn’t supposed to work this way!” Black Mamba screamed as the large head landed not five feet from her.

“You said that already,” Spider-Man said, landing on an abandoned car near where Black Mamba had run. “Now what happened?”

“The Darkforce is just supposed to entangle and give an illusion of your greatest desire! It’s not supposed to have a physical effect!”

“So you were in the museum, robbing something and you use your darkforce and a dinosaur pops out?”

“No! I used it on a kid coming out of the bathroom. I didn’t want to hit a kid!”

“How old?” Spidey had a bad feeling about this.

“Ten-eleven-twelve, somewhere in there!”

Aaaand all his fears were proven right. Damn you Murphy. Damn you to hell. Or at least to Jersey.

“Oh Hell! He’s getting up!” and with that Black Mamba jumped onto an abandoned motor cycle and started driving recklessly through Central Park. Spidey scratched his head as the dinosaur loomed over him.

“This could be a bigger problem than I thought,” he mused in a slightly depressed tone. “If she didn’t hit him, why’s he got a black eye? Wait, dinosaurs can get black eyes?”

Thip! Thip! Spidey jumped up and shot a small ball of webbing to block the Harrysaurus’s vision, quickly jumping and vaulting around to keep from being eaten. Dinosaurs are a lot stronger than people give them credit for.

“You know, when you go to the dinosaur exhibit, you’re just supposed to look at the dinosaurs, not become one,” Spidey said, landing on the Harrysaurus’s head. Sending out a little webbing, he wove a bridle and tried to direct the massive carnivore away from the human populace. Unfortunately, Harry was being directed towards the Central Park Zoo.

“Whoops, wrong way!” Spidey pulled hard. Too hard in fact, since Harry fell on his side and started sliding towards the compounds. Harrysaurus jumped up, shook the spectacular Spider-Man off his back and charged through the petting zoo, pausing briefly to eat a goat and scrape the webbing off his eyes on a nearby tree trunk.

One goat isn’t that filling for an Allosaurus, so Harry went looking for more. It had almost been time for lunch, so he had a big appetite. And pointing a gun at him was a horse cop. A moment later, Harry proved he could eat a horse in the literal sense.

“Don’t shoot!” Spidey warned, pushing the cop’s gun down. “It’s just a kid that got transformed against his will. Or mostly against his will, it’s a little vague.”

“That’s a kid?” the cop asked, eyes wide.

“Twelve years old,” Spidey confirmed.

“I knew I should have stayed in Queens,” the cop grumbled.

Harry roared at the sky as he showed the world his wonderful meal of horse sans cop. “That’s a kid?”

“Yeah,” Spidey said. He jumped up and took advantage of the Harrysaurus’s distraction to unload two full webbing cartridges, locking the dinosaur in place. The transformed pre-teen roared in indignation, but finally found himself unable to move from the spot. “I sure hope he transforms back soon. That webbing only lasts a couple of hours.”

“Well, if he’s stuck, you can go bring back the elephants he released,” a nearby zoo keeper commanded. Spidey and the cop shared a look.

“I think she’s talking to you,” said the officer.

“Well, at least they’re not shooting at me this time,” Spidey said as he swung into the air after the escaped pachyderms. He brought them back in and discovered that Harry was back to human form and naked (his clothing had not survived the transformation). Spidey, seeing the police had things under control, went back to the Museum, webbed up the B.A.D. Girls, handed back their stolen goods to the museum curator and changed back into Peter Parker, your friendly bugle photographer. That damn song was stuck in his head.

Blissfully ignorant of the chaos he had started, Harry rubbed his tummy. “I feel kinda full.”

At the precinct, Harry was sitting down, his hair a mess, a black eye and a few bruises on his skin. The cops had wrapped him up in a blanket until clothing could be brought. When other people heard about the dinosaur transformation, and word spread fast, more people started looking in on the Dino-kid.

“So, how’d you transform him into a dinosaur?” one cop asked Black Mamba.

“It’s only supposed to be an illusion!”

“What’s the illusion of?”

“His greatest desire,” she replied worriedly.

“Oh, well that explains it,” Peter Parker said with a matter-of-fact tone to his voice. He was there since he was still nominally in charge of Harry for the duration of his job shadowing. A number of others started nodding in agreement.

“Yeah,” said another cop.

“Makes sense to me,” said a third person.

“Absolutely,” said a visiting scientist.

“I don’t get it,” Black Mamba said. “He’s young, but well, he’s a teen. I figured his greatest desire would be, well…”she pointed to herself with a shrug.

“No, twelve years old. He wanted to be a dinosaur.”

“Yep, a dinosaur.”

“I wanted to be triceratops,” said one cop.

“T-Rex,” commented Peter.

“My kid wants to be a raptor,” said another.

“Any special kind?”

“Nope, just your basic dromaeosaur.”

“Same here.”

“Brachiosaurus,” put in another parent.

“I wanted to be a paleontologist,” said a forensic specialist.

“Me too!” said another.

“So none of you…” Black Mamba said trailing off at the end with a wave of her hand and a confused look on her face.

“Naw, not until later,” said one hard lived cop. “The dinosaur phase pretty much lasted until I was 14.” Other members of his precinct gave him an incredulous look. “What? I was a late bloomer!”

Chuckles abounded.

“I wanted to be a football player,” said one quite voice from the corner.

“What a loser!” laughed the other cops.

“I guess I still don’t get how it happened,” commented a detective off to the side.

“What happened?” asked Harry.

“You turning into a dinosaur.”

“Oh, that was simple really.”

“Then why don’t you explain it?”

“Okay,” Harry said before taking a sip of apple juice. “So Mamba’s Darkforce is normally an illusion, right?”

“Right…” the cop said hesitantly.

“And on a normal person they would have given them their greatest desire and then let them sleep it off,” Harry said. “I’m a wizard. I have massive untapped potential because I’m too lazy to practice things that don’t automatically benefit me. That means I’ve got lots of magic just dumped around me waiting to be used. Now it just so happens that my magic was able to fulfill my greatest desire.”

“To turn into a dinosaur…?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Well,” said the detective, “when you say it like that it sounds all anticlimactic.”

“Wait a minute,” Peter Parker said, eying the kid suspiciously. “You’re a wizard?”


And they said the day couldn't get any more bizarre.

The conversation continued for some time as the New York cops got a rundown of the dis-functionality of the Wizarding World and everything that entailed. Harry also handed out galleons to some very grateful New York’s finest. Eventually this had to end, as all thing do. This ending was brought about by the entrance of a furious redhead

Jean Grey stormed into the precinct, and was promptly directed to another room. Seeing her erstwhile not-quite grandson, she grabbed Harry firmly, but not violently, by the shoulders and glared right into his eyes.

“What-did-you-do?” Her words were perfectly enunciated and spaced with a precision and firmness that allowed for no sarcasm or refusal to respond. It was a well perfected, unadulterated ‘mom voice’ that Harry had learned to recognize instantly. He could tell that Jean Grey meant business. The only option was to respond with the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. To do otherwise would interfere with his personal rule of never really pissing off the woman who could destroy star systems.

Harry swallowed, speaking precisely and clearly to his semi-quasi-sort-of grandmother with the complete and honest truth.

“I turned into an allosaurus and rampaged through Central Park, but it wasn’t my fault.”

The look on her face clearly said she didn’t entirely believe him.

"It wasn't my fault!"

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