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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,24015 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Interruptions and Lessons

DEADPOOL'S NOTE: Hi there friendly readers, it is I, the Amazing and Spectacular Merc with a Mouth. As some of your are aware, my Arthur isn't all that sane (Okay, okay, you people call him Harry, I don't know why, but you do), but he does respect good work, so in celebration of his 13th birthday this chapter, I like to get a few pieces of fan art. A banner, maybe some doorknobs, a wand even, possibly a bandoleer of grenades.

Something with Arthur's costume would be great. I thought about getting him a leash for his basilisk, but it's hard to find a collar that size. I did make a lifetime supply of pancakes the other day, but I don't think those will keep.

But art would be great. So would chimichangas. Well not really. I don't really like Chimichangas, I just like saying it. Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga. I think that joke may be getting old. meh! Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga.

Oh, and that writer person wanted me to tell you all that he doesn't own any of these characters, even me. I did offer to kidnap a few, but the author mentioned something about a lack of storage space for dead superheroes. Oh well.

Later, I'm gonna go harass Cable.

The next day, a very tired owl dropped a red letter in the dining room of the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters. It promptly opened up and started bellowing in a loud voice.


All the X-Men, all the younger mutants there for school and all the associated personnel faced Harry with expectant eyes and deafened ears.

“It wasn’t my fault!”

The next day two officious looking wizards with overly goofy robes and silly badges walked right into the school grounds. Amelia Bones and Kingsley Shacklebolt discovered this was a mistake when they were by the entire staff of the Xavier School for the Gifted. They were in costume, they were fully prepared and more than a little ticked off.

“Don’t you people know how to knock?” asked Jean angrily.

“We came to apprehend a criminal, not visit for tea,” Bones said.

“Aside from the glaring problems of international kidnapping and such, there’s also a few other things you need to understand,” Harry said seriously. “To explain all those issues, here’s my lawyer, Jennifer Walters. You won’t like her when she’s angry.”

“That’s my cousin actually,” the eight foot tall green woman said as she walked into the room. Harry just shrugged.

“What are you?” asked Bones in confusion. Harry shook his head sadly.

“You’re doing it wrong. That’s what you’re supposed to say to Batman in a dark alley, but with fear and surprise. You’re supposed to say: ‘Hello councilor, what can we do for you today’ and then she tells you where to stuff it in nice fancy lawyer language.”

“Harry, as your attorney, I’m advising you to shut it,” Ms. Walters said with a sly grin.

“Shutting it now,” Harry said. Jen Walters turned back to her victims, er, her opponents in the court of law.

“Now, first of all, your charges are false and any judge would have them out of court,” she said.

“He is a wizard, your muggle courts do not apply,” stated Amelia Bones politely.

“Actually, as the events took place in the United States, which does not recognize the Wizarding World of Britain as a legitimate government nor does it have extradition to the Wizarding World for that same reason, your laws are actually the ones that don’t apply,” Walters said with a smile.

“But the Wizarding communities of the colonies-“

“Do not apply as the United States does not recognize them as a legitimate government either,” she said cutting off the argument. “Not only that, but his actions were against his will, caused by an outside influence, who did not have magic powers. Harry has paid restitution for the horse and goat eaten, as well as the damage he caused, none of which he had to do. And by the way, haven't been colonies for over two hundred years.”

“We have our orders,” said Bones sadly.

“Yes, I understand that,” was the green lawyer’s diplomatic reply. “Which is why you are being given to SHIELD. It’s not appropriate to enter the country illegally when you don’t have a passport, Miss Bones. Also, my client is prepared to sue the Ministry of Magic for the cost of damages and harassment if the matter is not dropped. This will, of course, take place in the local county court and not your oligarchian monolith I’ve been told about.”

“What is Shield?” asked Shacklebolt.

“Strategic Hazard Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate,” said the attorney. “They deal with a number of international threats, including international kidnapping rings. They’ll evaluate the situation and then decide to release you. Oh, and if you see him, tell Nick I said Hi.”

And that’s when a number of agents in black suits escorted the duo to a flying car. It was later discovered they had escaped because Harry forgot to tell the agents to remove the aurors’ wands.

“Sorry,” he said innocently. “I forgot.”

Soon enough, Agatha Harkness was brought back from the dead. It was decided that Harry would spend a week at her place and then be picked up for the weekend, barring no serious events like aliens, fraternities of not-so-nice mutants, mutant killing giant robots or cute little demons infected with technorganic viruses. You know, the usual stuff.

Scott picked up Harry after the first week. Walking up to the front gate, he saw Miss Harkness standing in the doorway, a strangely subdued Harry standing beside her.

“I hope he hasn’t been much trouble,” Scott said. “Thanks so much for doing this.”

“Oh, it’s been some time since I taught youngsters the arcane arts. It’s been such a pleasure,” she replied with an honest smile. “He’s been a real joy to teach after we ironed out a few problems.”

Scott stared bug-eyed for a moment.

“Then he hasn’t destroyed the house?”

“Oh no, in fact he helped me clean up this morning.”

“He hasn’t shot anyone?”

“Harry knows that I don’t allow muskets or pistols in the house.”

“He hasn’t randomly attacked super villains out of costume?”

“There was a minor incident with Mr. Masters down the street, but I think we cleared it up. He makes such wonderful dolls.”

“Uh, yes, what about inciting rage in people for no apparent reason?”

“I haven’t seen any evidence of it.”

“Then thanks for teaching him,” Scott said honestly. “Jean will bring him back Monday assuming we don’t have an emergency.”

“I look forward to his return then,” she said with a smile. “Run along then, Harry.”

Harry didn’t exactly run, so much as walk as fast as possible without running. He did so right to the car, climbed in the passenger seat and buckled himself in. All of this without saying a word. Scott waved and drove away.

“So how was your first lesson?” he asked his not-really grandson.

“Yes Ms. Harkness.”

Scott looked at Harry, clearly confused by the answer.

“Harry, are you okay?”

“Everything is fine Ms. Harkness.”


The boy’s eyes started to widen.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Harry said, clearly in another place and time mentally. “Run! I’m sure she didn’t mean it! Run little demon! Save yourself! Ruuuunnnn!!!”

Scott looked on as Harry relived his first week of lessons with a reputable magic user. After a while, Cyclops put the car in gear and drove away.

“It went well, I guess,” Scott said.

Harry’s education and mental scarring with Agatha Harkness went on throughout the summer until right before the school year was supposed to begin.

“I don’t want to go back there,” Harry said to his pseudo-quasi-grandparents.

“Why not?”

“Well, for one, I’m learning much more with Ms. Harkness about magic,” Harry said. “Two: it’s boring and three: they don’t even know what a computer does, much less how to use one. I also have suspicions that somebody over there is trying to kill me, but I could be wrong. I think it would be much better for me to stay here at the institute.”

Jean and Scott shared a confused look.

“You want to keep learning from Agatha Harkness? I thought you were terrified of her,” Jean said, having witness the mental scarring and improvement in the boy’s behavior.

“I,uh, not terrified, exactly,” Harry said. “I just have a very healthy respect for women with massive mystical powers who have been alive since before Atlantis sank.”

Jean and Scott stared at him for a long moment.

“Fair enough,” chorused the two senior X-Men.

And so Harry had a wonderful time as a thirteen year old in the Xavier Mansion. He got to witness the end of Generation X and the creation of X-Corp. But nothing really big happened until he awoke one night to find a dog in his bedroom. He’d always wanted a dog.
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