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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,30015 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Sirius Black, Agent of SHIELD

“Hi, I’m Jessica Jones,” the woman said holding out her hand. “Keep abreast of all superhero activity as the Bugle’s reporter for the Pulse.”

“I like keeping abreast of things as well,” Sirius said. She just rolled her eyes.

“Look, I’m pregnant and not interested,” Jessica said. “If you’re just here to hit on me, go somewhere else.”

“No, no, this is fine,” Sirius said with a slightly worried look.

“Good. Now I was going to go to lunch with Luke, but he said you needed so help, so I’ll bring you along,” Jessica said. “I still have a little left on this piece, so why don’t you go meet him in lobby?”

“We can do that,” Harry said. “You need to head down. I’ve got to get back to help fight Apocalypse.”

“But if you are not there, how shall I know who he is?”

“Oh, you’ll know,” Jessica and Harry said in unison.

Sirius Black went back down to the lobby and looked up at the tall man in the black t-shirt and jeans.

“Oh, that’s how I’ll know,” Sirius said. “Uh, hello, Sirius Black.”

“Luke Cage,” the superhero answered. “You the guy that Danny called about?”

“er, yes, I was, er, am. Do you know that you have very large muscles?” asked Sirius.

“Yes, yes I do.”

“er…right, Miss Jones suggested that we talk and she would meet up with us soon,” Sirius said.

“I thought Deadpool’s kid was gonna be here too?”

“Oh, he said he had to go fight some fellow, Apoca Lepsy or some such, a schoolboy tussle I expect,” Sirius replied. The way Luke Cage’s eyes widened suggested that Sirius Black was incorrect in this assumption. “…not a schoolboy tussle?”

“Jess? Yeah, Kid ran off already? We’ll try and catch him before he gets into trouble,” Cage said into his cellphone.

They did catch him trying to sneak out behind them.

“Harry, as your Godfather, I think it best that you stay here for the time being,” Sirius said with a worried look.

“Look,” Harry said. “My grandparents are about to face a threat that has already taken over the world in one reality. I’d really prefer that this doesn’t become very Age of Apocalypse-esque any time soon.”

“Harry, you are 13, I hardly think that world dooming threats are your responsibility,” Sirius said.

“Hey, and you’re just a guy who showed up out of the blue after being in jail for 12 years,” Harry said. “I only have your word and a telepath’s scan to tell me who you really are. There isn’t any emotional attachment here except me helping you out.”

“Well then! I’m sorry I endangered my very soul in escaping unlawful incarceration and flying across the Atlantic to make sure you were safe!”

“Hello! X-Man here! I don’t need your help!

“You’re 13!”

Jessica Jones stepped out of the elevator and glanced at the two. “Family fight?”

Luke gave her a peck on the cheek.

“X-Drama,” he replied. “I wish I had some popcorn.”

It was eventually decided that Harry wouldn’t go fight Apocalypse. This was mostly because Storm had given Sirius a number to call if Harry got out of control. Two words from Agatha Harkness had settled the discussion. Well, less “settled the discussion” and more “Harry ran into a corner and hid.”

By the time he came out, Apocalypse had been defeated and “killing” Scott Summers with him. Jean had told Harry to stay put and went after him. Now some readers might think this was not in the right continuity, and they would be correct if that mattered, but with this story, anything goes. And that’s why we’re still blaming it all on time travel and the Third Law of Comic Books: Comic time doesn't make sense.

The rest of the year was rather normal. Harry continued to go to school at Xavier’s and train with Agatha Harkness. The time he spent with Dr. Stephen Strange was having an adverse affect on his vocabulary and occasionally he could be heard spouting Strangeisms like “Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth” or similar phrases.

Sirius Black was feeling a bit lost. Jessica Jones suggested Sirius make up an identity and fight crime. Build up his reputation. He left the X-Mansion, went to the New York branch of Gringotts’s and took out a large sum. He then rented a small brownstone and took to the streets as a small time hero.

This would have been great normally, however, he found American culture quite confusing. He also had trouble telling the heroes from the villains. He was terribly ineffectual as a hero, but he did make a splash in the community. There was one instance where he had been spectacularly beaten up by Daredevil and let Tombstone escape. That miscommunication had since been cleared up, although he still occasionally got job offers from some individual named the Kingpin. Why would he want to work in a bowling alley?

His attempts at romance were almost as bad. He discovered it was rather bad form to hit on women while pretending to be a superhero, especially considering he was building a reputation as a inept one. He did have something with a part time hero/thief by the name of Black Cat, but who knew if it was going anywhere. She did seem interested.

One night he got back to his brownstone to find a strange man with an eye-patch sitting in a chair with the lights off.

“Don’t turn on the lights,” commanded the man in the chair.

“Who are you?” the wayward Wizard asked, pointing his wand in the man’s general direction. “If you’re from the Kingpin, I’m not interested.”

“My name is Colonel Nicolas Fury,” the man said.

“I’m afraid I have to ask you to leave,” Sirius said. “And how did you gain entrance? I had this flat well protected.”

“I have people who can take care of those things,” Fury said.

“Why are you here?”

“I run a little organization known as SHIELD,” the man replied. “I’m here to offer you a job.”

“Rather odd way to ask,” Sirius said.

“We’re a rather secretive organization in some ways, very public in others,” the eye-patched man replied. “You’re going to be part of the secretive side of things. Have a seat.”

Intrigued, Sirius sat down across from him.

“SHIELD stands for Strategic Hazard Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate, we’re an international organization funded and operated by the UN,” Fury said, lighting up a cigar.

“Why are you interested in me?”

“Because of where you grew up,” Fury said.

“The Wizarding World?”

“Exactly,” Fury said before taking a puff. “The Wizarding World as you call it, is a very insular and xenophobic society. They’re also a danger. We’ve been keeping tabs on them since the early 70s when Voldemort started making a splash.”

He tossed a very thin folder on a coffee table. “That’s all we’ve got on them. Hearsay, rumors and a few overheard conversations. We know what they’ve done, the countless dead bodies, the house explosions. Ironically our best informants have been the British Prime Ministers. Every attempt we’ve had to get an agent inside has been blocked.”

“Well yes, they aren’t very appreciative of muggles.”

“Those ‘muggles’ had their minds wiped,” Fury said angrily. “We finally realized why. Everyone goes to a few select schools. You can’t get in unless you went to those. There’s no way to put agents inside unless they already went to those schools.”

“…and the very nature of our society is such that people don’t leave society often, if ever, especially if they are pureblooded,” Sirius said, catching on.

“Exactly,” Fury said. “But there is no way, no how, that I am going to make an eleven year old kid into an Agent of Shield. That’s where you come in.”

“But I’m a wanted man. I broke out of Azkaban, the punishment for which is to have my soul sucked out by Dementors.”

“I’ve got people working on it,” Fury said. “I’ve got a plan to put some more people on the inside, but it’s going to take some time. What I want is you.”

“Why me?”

“You’re an insider, but you have no loyalty to anyone inside except for Deadpool’s kid,” Fury said. “Normally that would be a liability, but actually works in our favor this time.”

“Because he’s Harry Potter.”

“The Darling of the Wizarding World.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“A year of training, debriefing and analysis,” Fury said. “You’ll continue down here as an incompetent superhero, that will work in our favor as well, but on your other days you’ll be working with us. After that, we’ll be ready to put you back in society.”

“I’m interested, but let me give it some thought,” Sirius said.

“You’ve got a week, I’ll be back. If it’s ‘no’, you’ll never hear from us again,” Fury said. With that he walked out the front door, leaving the folder and the smell of cigar smoke behind.

Sirius glanced through the skeletal file and noticed a number of incorrect assumptions and mistaken identities. They knew basically where Diagon Alley was, but not exactly. They had no idea where Hogwarts was. They were going to need some help.

One week later:

“The answer is yes,” Sirius said.

And so began the adventures of Sirius Black, Agent of SHIELD.
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