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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,26415 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Look Ma: We're Burly Detectified!

Harry spent his 13th year learning much about magic and did fairly well in regular school. He thought the creation of the new New Mutants to be kind of strange, especially considering the teams were being run by the old New Mutants. Oh, Irony.

Harry had been placed on Rahne Sinclair’s team. He was also one of the youngest there and didn’t get to participate much. He had more fun playing around in Chem class. When it comes down to it, there isn’t much difference between a calcinatory apparatus and a cauldron. Well, the glass shrapnel isn’t as much fun when it blows up, but the steady supply of propane more than makes up for it.

Little did Harry know that the Wheels of Evil™ were turning in Knockturn Alley. They were being turned by a group of semi-retired death eaters led by none other than Lucy, er, Luscious, er, that Malfoy guy.

That-Malfoy-Guy™ was devastated, having lost everything to a bunch of yellow mice. He wanted nothing more than to return to his former place of power. He fully believed in the superiority of the Pure Blooded Wizards. He knew of only one being that could possibly bring about the changes to Wizarding Society that would restore him to his rightful place. After all, when all those blood traitors and muggle-borns were dead, there would be plenty of money to go back into the Malfoy vaults.

That-Malfoy-Guy™ had gathered his former associates, gathered a few similar minded new associates and set about finding where their old boss had gotten too. It just so happened that their old boss was hanging out in his parents’ old stomping grounds. And it wasn’t hanging so much as floating, considering he was more of a wraith than a person.

“About time,” snarled the wraith. “I’m glad that someone finally came looking for me.”

“Forgive us My Lord,” That-Malfoy-Guy™ said bowing deeply. “Until two years ago we believed you dead.”

“You think that this will stop me?” The-Wraith-Formerly-Known-as-Voldemort demanded. “You think some kind of blood traitor can stop me?”

“Truth be told, you’re present form isn’t that impressive,” One of the new recruits commented.

“I am aware of my present form,” snarled the creature currently unable to kill the outspoken young racist. “Now I have a plan. A wonderful plan.”

“And what is it, Oh Dark Lord?” sycophanted That-Malfoy-Guy™.

“As some have told me, there are plans to bring back the Tri-Wizard Cup!”

There was a hush of amazement and excite me over the announcement.

“Yes,” said The-Wraith-Formerly-Known-as-Voldemort. “And we shall engineer it so that Harry Potter shall win. Then I shall use his power to renew myself to greater heights of power never before even dreamt of!”

That-Malfoy-Guy™ nodded in his own sycophantic way. “We shall do whatever is needed to restore you.” The blond man turned around to glare at their compatriots. “Won’t we?”

They glanced at each other, acknowledging that That-Malfoy-Guy™ would kill them if they refused, and started nodding in agreement.

“Good,” said The-Wraith-Formerly-Known-as-Voldemort. One of the former Death Eaters raised a hesitant hand.

“It’s a good plan My Lord, but my son says Harry Potter never even showed up to Hogwarts this year,” Crabbe said. He sounded like a first year asking to go to the loo in Potions class.

“Hmm…” said The-Wraith-Formerly-Known-as-Voldemort, slightly annoyed at the change in his plans. “That does complicate things a bit.”

“My son did say that he was attending a school in America,” That-Malfoy-Guy™ put in. “Apparently it’s a wizarding school.”

“Well then, this is how we’ll change it,” The-Wraith-Formerly-Known-as-Voldemort said. “We’ll just make it into a Quad-Wizard Cup instead. Use your influence in the Ministry to make it happen.”

“That’s a wonderful plan,” said That-Malfoy-Guy™, clapping his hands. A glare directed at the others in attendance got them going as well.

“Malfoy! Don’t patronize me!”

“Of course not Oh Great Dark Lord.”

Deadpool's Note: Wow! Can you believe these guys? They just never stop. hmm...I wonder if they stop after you kill them? Whatever, we'll get to try that later. But first, since no one's stepped forward with some fan art like I asked, I've decided to make more pancakes and hold the writer hostage. I guess I can't expect that much, I mean, my comics kept getting canceled and...*sob* If I could just get some fan art I won't pull the trigger on this rubber chicken. You know I'll do it. Please! If you've got more humanity than me, do something!

Also, the fact this chapter was so short was because I took the writer hostage. Yeah, we'll blame it on that.
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