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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,30615 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Power of the Armed and Fully Operational Retcon

Deadpool's note: Guess what kids? We're BaaAAAaack! And just so you know, although the beginning of this chapter might see a little familiar, keep reading, I think you'll enjoy it. Otherwise I don't have too much to say. I just got back from a shark jumping competition and It's a bit harder than you think. That, of course, has nothing to do with today's chapter.

“Grampa Scotty?”

“Harry?” Scott said with an exasperated tone. “What is it?”

“You’ve been acting like a dick.”

“How dare you speak to me that way!”

“See?” Harry said. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about.”

Ever since Jean and Scott had returned from Africa, Scott Summers had been a dick to everyone around him. Granted, most people were willing to give him some distance considering he’d just been sharing a body with an A-list super-villain, but there was only so far a person could go. It had been more than enough for Harry.

“Well Sorry for having Apocalypse stuck in my body!”

ppft! “Yeah right, like most of the rest of us haven’t had super-villains in our heads or turned evil,” was Harry’s dismissive reply. “Gramma Jean: star system destroying Phoenix and her clone Madalyn Pryor; Wolverine: himself and HYDRA, Ororo: the Shadow King; Professor X: himself; Warren: Himself; Kitty: the Hand; the White Queen: herself (well, that’s not really a possession, just her natural state); me on a bad day. Anybody who fought the mutates in the Savage Land with Worm there. I think that’s a pretty good sampling and covers most of the team.”

“It’s not that simple!”

“Grampy, get over yourself,” Harry said with a roll of his eyes. “Honestly, you’re possessed. Big deal. You weren’t such a dick to Jean when she was dealing with the fallout of your ex-wife turning evil. Now go let her not be a dick to you.”

“…okay I think I understood what you meant,” Scott replied.

“Good, now I’m gonna go make popcorn for when Gramma kicks Frosty ass,” Harry said.

Scott explained the situation to Jean. She was not happy that her husband’s therapist was having a mental affair with him. She then did kick Frosty ass. And Harry passed out popcorn.

After a while Scott got to thinking: hadn’t all this happened before?

Emma Frost never felt the presence behind her until the helmet was forced onto her head. Fearing a physical attack, she shifted into her Diamond form for protection.

When no attack came, she turned around to look at Harry was poised as if listening.

“Potter,” she said, “Why are you standing in that overly dramatic pose?”

“I sense a great disturbance in the Web,” Harry said. “It’s as if a thousand readers cried out: ‘This is stupid’ and went on to read something else. Hence the Retcon. Which, admittedly, is kinda weird. I didn’t even know we had a thousand readers.”

Emma Frost pulled off the Magneto Helm of her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Potter? Just go to your room.”

“Naw, I’m gonna go roast marshmallows with Megan,” Harry said, ignoring her authority. “Since I know she’s got some now.”

Emma almost growled as he walked away. “I hate that kid.”

As Harry walked out into the grounds he noticed a familiar shape silhouetted against the night sky. Cain Marko, better known as the Juggernaut, was back.

Harry ran inside, pulled on his mask, and grabbed his doorknobs. Soon enough he ran up and let out a battle cry. Cain Marko glanced up in surprise to see a slightly familiar kid in a black and green Deadpool mask jumping at his face.

“Who the hell are you?” the unstoppable Juggernaut asked as the kid pointed a couple of guns at him.

“Don’t you know who I am?” the kid said. “I’m Arthur Bea Wilson, bitch!”

The Juggernaut looked up at him confused. “…no I don’t know who you are.”

“Eat hot trank darts!” Arthur cried out, shooting the bigger figure in the exposed fleshy bits (no, not the naughty bits). Now, normally, this wouldn’t have had that much of an effect. Normally, the mystical energies of Cyttorak would have negated the tranquilizers, however, Cain Marko and Ole’ Cyttie had a little falling out. Even so, it took a couple of minutes of Arthur attacking uselessly before it took effect on the still massively muscular opponent/victim. However, by that time the senior X-Men had arrived.

“Harry,” Jean said in Mom Voice ™. “What are you doing?”

“I’m defeating the Juggernaut who came to attack the school once again!”

Scott took a deep breath.

“Harry,” he said. “He’s on our side now.”

Arthur stopped quite suddenly. “… … … oh.”

And that’s when the tranquilizers kicked in, toppling the massive semi-ex-super-villain over with a mighty crash. Harry glanced at the sleeping Juggernaut. Then he glanced at the exasperated expression on Jean and Scott’s faces.


“Harry,” Jean and Scott chorused while pointing back towards the mansion, “go to your room.”

“Okay, now today we’re going to reveal the new match ups in the danger room,” Jean Grey said. “These are designed to test your resourcefulness in case one of your allies gets taking over by an opposing force and you have to beat them. We'll also be using code names only.”

One student raised her hand.

“Yes, Surge?”

“Does this happen often? Enemies going evil?” she asked.

“Actually it’s downright common,” Jean said. “But usually it’s just possession or mind control rather than truly going evil. Except for Wolverine and Northstar being taken over by the Hand. Well, and me a few years back.”

Another student raised their hand.

“Didn’t Logan cause more damage when he was unbrainwashed and working for SHIELD?”

“But that goes without saying,” Jean said blythly. “And now for the match ups. First match: Hellion vs Surge.”

Two seconds and one lightning bolt later: “Surge Wins!”

“Second match up: Wind Dancer verses Pixie.”

Draw: Pixie used her pixie dust, causing Wind Dancer to hallucinate, but Wind Dancer let her wind powers get out of control and forced them both to fly in random directions.

Third match up: Prodigy verses Arthur Bea Wilson.

The two boys Stood opposite each other in the Danger Room. Arthur just grinned under his mask.

“I never understood why you chose such a strange code name,” Prodigy said.

“My Dad gave it to me,” Arthur said. “It’s part of who I am.”

“You know magic, why didn’t you chose one based on that?”

“Well, Wand-Boy was lame; Magic was taken; the Wizard was taken and lame,” Arthur said with an innocent shrug. “Other than calling myself Harrysaurus Rex, there weren’t any other real choices.”

“So are you going to make a move?” Prodigy asked.

“Yep, just did,” Arthur replied a moment after lowering his mental shields. Prodigy, whose mutant power allowed him to know what others nearby know, suddenly fell to his knees in horror.

“No! It can’t be true!”

“Oh, it is,” Arthur said.

“This is madness,” Prodigy said.

“No, this is Marvel,” Arthur said.

“The readers, staring at us on the page, watching, watching us all!” mumbled the horrified Prodigy. “How? How is this possible?”

“Dunno, been around as long as I can remember,” Arthur said. “Since about chapter 2. Dad says they’ve been around since at least chapter 1, possibly earlier.”

“I surrender, you win,” Prodigy said. “Please, no more!”

The rest of the match ups passed without major incident.
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