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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596425,80815 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Candygram for Chucky

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“Uh, why is there a giant box with red ribbon next to the gate?” Cyclops asked to no one in particular. Truth be told, no one had an answer. He looked at it for a while, inspecting without touching it. Hanging off one side was a large tag that said: Charles Xavier, Westchester NY. Cyclops straightened his ruby glasses and stepped back. “I think I’ll just have Hank see if it’s a bomb.”

“Achoo!”

“Did your bomb just sneeze?” Jean Grey asked. Cyclops shrugged and pulled the ribbon off and lifted the lid. Inside was a particularly cold small boy with brown hair, several full backpacks and a very cold and very large python.

“Hi!” the kid said eagerly. He held up a card. “I’m looking for a bald guy in a wheel chair. Is this the right place?”

The look Cyclops and Jean Grey shared was of equal parts amusement and confusion. “Yes, you could say we know someone like that.”

“Great! Cuz I’ve been out here for five hours and it’s kinda cold,” the kid said with a wide grin.

“What’s your name kid?”

“Harry!”

“Um…” Cyclops said. “The box here says you’re Arthur Bea Wilson. Where have I heard that name before?”

“Nope, that’s just what daddy used to call me before he kicked the bucket,” Harry said in a friendly tone as he climbed over the side of the box.

“You-your father’s dead?” Cyclops had a flash of memory from his own hard childhood.

“Yeah,” Harry said in the same tone you’d use for running out of milk. Jean Grey took the boy by the hand.

“Let’s go inside and warm you up,” she said with a smile. Glancing up at her boyfriend, she motioned for him to bring the box.

“Oh, right.”

=== === === === === === === === ===

For a guy in a wheel chair, Charles Xavier was pretty impressive. And he had a big house. He also had a very shiny head. The man in question rolled up to his desk as little Harry sat in an overly large chair on the other side.

“Now, Harry, do you know why your father sent you to the Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters?”

“Nope. He just said to talk to the bald guy in the wheel chair,” Harry said with a grin.

“The letter says you, er, “have the mutant ability to talk to snakes”. Is that correct?” Professor Xavier asked, looking at the letter with more than a little disbelief.

“Yup!”

“I have to admit that you are rather young for a mutant power, being all of nine years old,” the professor said, slightly probing the boy’s mind with his telepathic powers. Harry shrugged and grinned.

“What else could it be?”

“Yes, well, why don’t you write down your address for me while I take care of something,” the professor said. As Harry started writing, the Professor contacted his students with the power of his mind. [Harry seems to be telling the truth, his father did send him here, but he seems to have something guarding his thoughts. A presence, if you will. I cannot penetrate much further than his memories of countless Golden Girls episodes.]

[Is he a danger?] asked Jean Grey telepathically.

[I do not believe so,] responded the professor. [He seems to be convinced that his father’s death is temporary.]

[Trauma can have odd effects on children,] commented Scott Summers.

[As it is, I have decided to let him stay here while we investigate what happened,] Xavier said. [Perhaps he is a mutant. For now, we don’t know. Although that would be a rather obscure ability.]

=== === === === === === === === ===

As time went by, Harry actually fit in fairly well. He managed to get along with everyone except for one. Jubilee found him extraordinarily annoying, but that was to be expected.

“He’s just a kid,” Jean Grey said.

“He’s a creepy little stalker!” protested Jubilee, snapping her gum in punctuation.

“He just has a crush on you,” Jean said with an amused look. It really was funny. “He just lost his father and he’s in shock. It’s actually a good thing that he’s acting out a little.”

“He put his snake in my bed!”

“I’m really hoping that’s not a euphemism,” grumbled a voice from the kitchen. “Because then Alpha, Beta and Gamma would need to have a talk with the owner of the snake.”

“Logan!” Jubilee practically screamed as she gave the hirsute mutant a hug. “Where have you been?”

“Savage Land fighting dinosaurs with Storm and Siryn,” he said, lighting a cigar. “So what’s been going on?”

“Jubilee’s complaining because the new boy has a crush on her,” Jean said, struggling to keep from laughing. “He’s just 9 and he really doesn’t know better.”

“HOLY MARY, MOTHER OF CHRIST!” Siryn’s Irish voice echoed throughout the mansion. The various X-Men in residence ran to find the redheaded mutant being hugged by a nine year old boy. Siryn looked like she was in pure terror.

“Mommy!”

There was a long moment of silence as the X-Men looked at Siryn in shock.

*ahem*

“Theresa, is there something you want to tell us?” Professor Xavier asked in as polite a tone as he could.

“No!”

“Is that a ‘No, you don’t want to tell us’, or a ‘No, there’s nothing to tell’?” asked Iceman with a grin as wide as the Grand Canyon.

“There’s nothing to tell!” exclaimed the panicked woman.

“Bu-bu-but,” stammered Harry with crocodile tears in his eyes. Siryn looked into his eyes and had a moment of sudden realization.

“Oh dear, Yee’re Deadpool’s kid, aren’t ye?”

There was another moment of silence at this revelation, a much more worried silence.

“Is this true Harry?” Professor Xavier asked quietly.

“Yup!” Harry said with a winning smile. “He taught me everything I know. Except for, you know, the things he didn’t teach me.”

=== === === === === === === === ===

The X-Men’s fears were not proven completely valid, although Harry did exhibit some clear bits of personality he got from his father. Deadpool’s doorknobs had not come with the boy (though they would not understand why they were put in the will for some time), so they were safe on that front. Harry rarely shut up in public, which everyone agreed was pure Deadpool, but left to his own devices, Harry could spend hours very quietly. That often made people worry more. The final defining trait of Harry, Son of Deadpool, AKA Arthur Bea Wilson, was a dirty, rotten cheater to the core.

“Harry’s cheating again!” Jubilee protested as she pointed the golf club at the boy. The X-Men had a rule about sports: no powers. Harry instead tried to find ways to cheat using his only superpower.

“How’d you cheat this time?” Logan said.

“I hit the ball to Nancy; he swallowed it and regurgitated it into the hole,” Harry said with a grin.

“How’d you get a snake to do that?”

“I asked him,” was all Harry would say.

But Harry tried to use his powers to cheat as often as possible. Sometimes it was harder than others. Snakes wouldn’t do anything that would get them hurt, but Harry could often reason with them into his way of thinking. Some sports were easier than others, but Harry still hadn’t managed to cheat at basketball yet.

“Try not to cheat too much, Jub might blind you again,” Logan said.

“Good point, cuz Oreo is taking us to the Mall later,” Harry said. Being blind would definitely cut down on the fun.

“It’s ‘Ororo,’ kid,” Logan corrected, and not for the first time.




The mall was spacious. The mall was bustling. The mall was being held hostage by the Serpent Society. Ororo Munroe had dropped off Jubilee and Harry off at the mall. Jubilee, the well experienced mall rat that she was, had ditched Harry in front of the pet shop about two point three minutes after Ororo had left. Harry, nine years old, was left alone in the mall with the Serpent Society.

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Harry cackled at the top of his lungs. “You fools! My only superpower is the ability to talk to snakes and you choose this day to challenge me! The day is mine Trebek!”

On the other side of the Mall, currently tied up and held hostage, Jubilee was suddenly very worried. Harry had drawn all the Serpent Society’s attention towards him. But on the other hand, Harry had drawn all the Serpent Society’s attention towards him. Working ever so carefully, she loosened the rope around her hands; it had a strange texture. Glancing back, she realized it wasn’t a rope at all, but a skinny red snake, quite dutifully binding her hands.

Harry on the other hand, suddenly realized everyone was looking at him. “Oops,” he said, pulling out a mask. It was patterned after his father’s, but with green eyes and black where his father’s was red.

“That’s cool! Thanks!” Harry said, seemingly talking to no one. “Whoohoo!”

The Serpent Society watched all this with a bit of confusion.

“Who are you kid?” asked the guy in the cobra costume.

Harry pulled out a pair of Smith and Wesson doorknobs and said: “The name’s Arthur Bea Wilson, punk. I talk to snakes. And right now, I’m talking to you.”

And that’s when Jubilee started beating her head against the wall.


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Harry verses his most dangerous opponent yet: J. Jonah Jameson!
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