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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,21215 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Not lies, just a vague grasp of the truth

“NO MORE MUTANTS!” Screamed the Scarlet Witch a moment before everything changed.

In England, Every witch, wizard, warlock, and magical being looked up in horror as the world changed by some great unknown magical force. Mutants all over the world suddenly found themselves transformed back into baseline humans

In Genosha, the Avengers, X-Men and a few other people were reeling from the fallout of many loosing their powers. Magneto himself fell to the ground, truly powerless for the first time since his internment by the Nazis more than a half century before. Or any other event that made him loose his powers. It wasn't like it was a unique occurrence.

In Westchester County, the young X-Men were reeling from the same thing, many of them loosing their powers.

Harry looked to the left of him and saw Pixie and Hellion and a few others still had their powers. He looked to the right and noticed a few people having lost everything. Harry turned back towards Nancy who was hanging off the porch after just eating a large stray cat.

“We good Nancy?” he asked the snake in Parsletongue. Nancy gave the serpentine equivalent of a thumbs up.

“We’re good,” he said in a standard snake hiss.

“We still posted on” Harry asked aloud.

Yes, said the Watcher.

“We’re good,” Harry said with a thumbs up.

When the X-Men later returned, Emma Frost started ushering all the now-non-mutants out of their rooms and onto buses. When Emma found Harry hanging out in his room playing video games she was none too pleased.

“It’s time for you to leave,” snarled the semi-former-villain.

Harry gave her the finger and continued playing the Wii.

Furious by being ignored, she reached out and grabbed him by the shoulder. Harry responded by shooting her in the chest with a tazer.

“Wow, you really are stupid,” Harry said as the White Queen fell over in a lump. She was about to get back up, so Harry tazed her again. “Hello, home here. Could’ve gone to Uncle Cable’s place, but you guys are planning to sink it. Stupid idea that. I think I’ll stay here.”

He walked out of the room and for the first time realized a whole bunch of the other students were moving out. Harry, the Son of Deadpool ™, did not recognize the very obvious changes in them. Oddly enough, even if someone had a body made of rock a week before, Harry still knew exactly who they were.

“Hey, where’s everybody going?”

“Frost is kicking us out because we’re not mutants anymore,” Sofia Mantega grumbled.

“You are?” Harry asked. Genuinely surprised. “So where are you going?”

“I have no where to call home anymore. My father has no desire to see me,” She replied. Many other students echoed her statements.

“Wow, she really is stupid,” Harry said, referring to Emma Frost again. The woman in question had gotten back up and was storming out of the room after the budding wizard. Harry, as per his usual MO, ignored her completely.

He walked out of the building, looked at the buses in the courtyard and promptly turned them into turtles. Really, really big painted turtles with snapping turtle necks. They began eating Professor X’s prized heritage azalea bushes.

“Oh, oops, look like there aren’t any buses here,” Harry said in an oh-so-fake voice. “Looks like everybody needs to go back inside. Oh, too bad that dream of Chuck’s about mutant/human equality and tolerance has to continue. I know Frosty’s gonna be upset.”

Yes, he actually did say Sarcasm and Slash Sarcasm.

Emma Frost, standing behind the wizard was not pleased. “How dare you defy me!”

“It’s not really that hard,” Harry said. “I just have to say ‘no.’ Pretty much the most basic form of defiance.”

“You have no right to do that!”

“Uh, actually I do,” Harry said.

“Do as I say!”

“No,” Harry said with a grin.


“No,” Harry said, stretching his arms over his head and pretending to yawn.

As their speech was getting more infantile, the other students looked at the giant turtles, looked at the two bickering and then looked at each other. Then, almost as one, they started lugging their things back inside the X-Mansion.

“Scott! He needs to be punished!” Emma Frost snarled at the staff meeting. Scott summers sighed deeply.

“He’s right you know,” Storm said, cutting off Scott’s response. “Rejecting them would be counter to the professor’s dream.”

“Not you too!”

“Yep, he’s exactly right,” Kitty Pryde said. “And he knows his super-villains, so he’s good in my book.”

“I am not a super-villain!” Emma snarled. Kitty made a faux surprised expression.

“Oh, now,” she said with a grin. “I never said I was talking about you. Feeling defensive are we?”

Emma Frost ground her teeth so hard they squeaked.

“He’s right though,” Hank McCoy said. “You track record as an education is pretty miserable. The Hellions, Chamber, Synch, Penance, Skin, your actions as part of the Hellfire Club, your remarkable ability to get your students killed…I could go on if you want.”

“Wait, what are you accusing me of?”

“Nothing, just commenting on your past record,” Beast said blithely.

Just then, Hank McCoy walked in.

“Has anyone seen my image inducer?” he asked. “Are we supposed to be having a meeting?”

The rest of the X-Men turned to the Beast impersonator with flat, unamused looks.

“Harry?” Scott asked, his hand going towards his visor. “Care to explain yourself?”

“I figured it would give my position an air of legitimacy,” Harry replied. “It’s all true.”

“You’re in quite a bit of trouble, young man,” Scott said with a stern look.

Harry (disguised as beast) just shrugged at the readers. “It’s a fair cop.”

Scott was about to say something more when the girl formerly known as Wind Dancer rushed into the room. “Mr. Summers! Harry’s bus turtles are wearing bombs!”

All eyes turned to Harry (who was still wearing his Beast disguise. He shook his head. “I didn’t have anything to do with that. Well, I did the transmutation, but I didn’t do the bombs. But she is a bit-”

Incredulous eyebrows were raised. Harry wisely did not finish that particular word. He was about to make an alternative defensive comment, but stopped when the Young X-Man known as Surge ran in.

“Harry’s Bus Bomb Turtles are starting to mate in the courtyard!”

Harry earned another round of accusatory looks.

“Hey! It’s a biological imperative! Just think of it as a bio lesson!”

Hank rolled his eyes and was about to comment when Northstar ran in.

“One of Harry’s Mating Bus Bomb Turtles is humping Emma’s convertible!”

Harry was very lucky that Emma couldn’t give looks that kill. With the irrefutable proof of his situation, he felt it was time to leave the room. “Well, I’ll see you all later. Good luck with the bombs and the car.”

Hank stepped in the way as Harry tried to slip out the door. He held out his hand. Harry shook his hand. Hank just gave him a slight glare.

“Image inducer,” he said as an explanation.

“Oh, right,” Harry turned it off and slapped it into the blue palm of Hank McCoy before running down the hallway.

He was running out the front door when he heard the familiar snap of a wizard teleporting in. Five wizards to be exact.

“Ah, Harry Potter, exactly the person we’re looking for,” said Minister Fudge.

“Right, and to do that, when my angry grandfather and his friends come chasing after me, we’re going to play a game of I went that way, where you point in the opposite direction of that which I run,” Harry said, preparing to run off in a different direction.

“Are those giant turtles?” asked Percy Weasley.

“Of course they are,” Bartemius Crouch Sr. said dismissively.

“We are here, Mr. Potter,” Fudge began, “to formally invite your school to participate in the next TriWizard tournament. Of course, we’ll be including more than just three schools this year. Since it’s been revived for the first time in over two hundred years, we decided to invite the schools from across the pond: This Xavier’s institute and the Salem Institute.”

“Oh, sorry, the Salem Institute was closed down a while back and all the students graduated or came here,” Harry corrected.

“Really?” asked a very surprised Minister Fudge. “They should inform me of these things! Making me look like a fool! Honestly!”

“Well, you can blame the former Headmistress for that, she’s pretty incompetent,” Harry said. He heard a commotion from the entrance. “Great, now just tell them I went in another direction!”

And so Harry scampered off into the bushes.

A bare few moments later, the senior X-Men ran out of the mansion and almost collided with the Wizarding expedition.

“Uh, hello,” said Scott suspiciously.

“Indeed,” replied Crouch. “We are here on behalf of the Ministry, specifically from the Department of International Magical Cooperation in regards to the Tri-Wizard tournament.”

“Look, now isn’t the best time,” Scott said. “I need to find Harry, we’ve got Sentinels on the radar and I need to get him back inside.”

“Oh, he went that way,” Percy Weasley said, dutifully pointing in the wrong direction.

In William Stryker's home base

"What do you mean the buses never left?" Stryker, televangelist and mutant hater extrodinaire bellowed into the telephone. "Of course they were supposed to be on the buses! What do you mean they turned into turtles?"

William Stryker ground his teeth, suddenly realizing his plans for mass murder had been derailed.
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