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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,24915 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Sentinels, Wizards and HYDRA, oh yeah!

“Okay, we’ve got Sentinels on all sides and now Harry chooses this moment in time to pull a vanishing act,” Scott Summers growled. He and his wife were pulling on their combat suits to prepare for battle.

“You know, you’ve been pretty hard on him lately,” Jean said, flipping her red hair out of her suit.

“He’s been acting up more lately,” Scott replied, closing his eyes so he could slip on his visor without blowing up the school.

“He’s become a teenager,” Jean said with a grin. “You might have been a stick in the mud back then, but he’s much more relaxed about rules.”

“It’s only a matter of time before he does something that people aren’t going forgive for his age,” Cyclops said.

“But not now,” Phoenix replied. “And everything he said about Emma was true.”

“Do we really need to get into that again?”

“Why not?” she said with a wry grin. “You know, Harry told me that I was supposed to be dead right now and you’d be dating her instead if, and I quote, ‘the universe hadn’t decided not to pull a stupid.’ Funny, huh?”

“Let’s not consider that right now,” Cyclops said in a horrified voice. Him and Emma? What kind of psycho world is that? “Let’s go kick some Sentinel butt.”

“I’d cheer you on, if that wasn’t what passed for you talking dirty,” she laughed.

He just rolled his eyes as they left their quarters.

As they approached the doorway to the great outdoors, they did not hear the normal sounds of mutant/giant robot combat. Instead they heard chanting and cheering. Hellion was even setting up a betting ring.

“What the hell is going on here?” Scott bellowed. The students fell silent almost instantly.

“Harry’s giant tortoises are fighting the robots like Gamera verses Mecha-Gojira,” the Three-In-One Stepford Cuckoos announced in one singular voice from the three young telepaths. Their tone suggested it should explain everything.

“What?” was Jean Grey’s confused comment. The three blonde Emma-Clones pointed across the courtyard, where buses-turned-turtles were in hand to hand combat with the purple robots. It looked like they were winning too.

“How do they know judo?” Hank McCoy, also know as Beast, asked as he straightened his glasses on his nose. “Does Harry even know judo?”

They were soon joined by the other original X-Men who just looked on with a confused and slightly alarmed look.

“I’m not dreaming, right?” Iceman asked as he scratched his head.

“No, I really do think those are giant adolescent, mutant, practicing Japanese martial arts tortoises,” Warren Worthington III confirmed.

Iceman gave him a sly look. “You were going to say something else, weren’t you?”

Angel shrugged. “Yes, but Harry was quite insistent that the other phrase was copy written and trademarked. I’m not sure why that prevents me from saying it, but he claimed it was something about there being too many crossovers in this fic anyways. I don’t really understand what he meant.”

“You’ve got me,” Iceman said.

“He seems to be implying that we are fictional characters,” Beast said. “But we of course know that is not true.”

“Of course,” said the other Original X-Men in unison, perhaps a little too quickly. They were still dumbfounded by the really big turtles.

“Shouldn’t the Sentinels be using their repulsor blasts by now?” Jean asked.

“Yeah, they should have,” Beast said. He pointed to a blonde woman walking through the battle zone.“ Is that Val Cooper?”

It was Val Cooper, and she was there to tell them the Sentinels were there to protect the mutants, not chase them away.

“But really,” she said,. “where’d the giant turtles come from?”

The original X-Men (also the original X-Factor, but who’s counting?), shared a glance before shrugging in unison.

“Apparently they used to be buses,” Warren said, with a shrug of his wings.

“You have someone who can do that?” she asked. The X-Men, and all the other professors sighed deeply.


Then they shared a moment of silent communication as they all tried to explain Harry to the government agent.

“Uh, pardon me,” said another voice. Heads turned to the hesitant form of Percy Weasley. “We were hoping to speak to the headmaster?”

“Who are you?” Jean asked, not recognizing the men. She did, however, recognize the manner of dress; their robes identified them instantly as fashion rejects, or, er, wizards. “What has Harry done this time? Was it robbing a bank? Did he break someone out of prison? Did he insight rebellion in a large group of people? Bend a really big magic snake to his will?”

The Wizards shrugged.

“To my knowledge he has never done any of these things,” Bartimous Crouch Sr. said honestly. “We’re here as representatives of the Ministry of Magic to speak about your school entering into the Wizard Cup this upcoming school year.”

“Uh, this really isn’t the time,” Jean said. “We’re dealing with a little problem with our own government. We’d love to take part, but there’s a few things we need to work out first.”

“Oh, say no more,” Cornelius Fudge replied in a haughty and faux conspiratorial tone, trying not to stare at her skin tight outfit. These colonials were all really quite scandalous. The men too, everything was outlined. It was so…so…Whatever happened to good sensible robes? He got his mind back on the subject. “We understand fully. If you don’t mind, could we use the loo? It’s been a very long trip.”

Cyclops pointed over his shoulder. “In there, take a left and then the next door on the right.”

“Thank you much,” said the Minister of Magic as he almost ran to the room. His companions shrugged.

“International Floo travel does rarely agree with the Minister,” Crouch said, as if it was a kind secret shared between equals. Cyclops rolled his eyes behind his visor. Jean chuckled at her husband’s response, having felt it through their mental link.

“Right, so just through there and have a seat,” Jean said, pointing to the sitting room. “We’ll be right with you.”

The British Wizards quite dutifully walked right in and sat down. Jean telekenitically distributed some tea and cakes from the cupboards before turning back to Val Cooper.

“What was that all about?” the government agent asked. Jean and Scott sighed deeply.

“They’re from a magic school in the UK,” Scott said.

“They’re under the impression that this is a magic school,” Jean finished.

“And you’re not going to correct them?” Val asked.

“Well…we do have some students who do magic,” Scott said slowly.

“And hey, from what we understand if they find out we’re not a magic school, they’ll try to erase our memories,” Jean said with a shrug. “It’s really just much easier this way.”

“How’d you get involved with that?”

Jean and Scott shared an amused look before turning back to Val.

“We were adopted as grandparents by a young wizard (and possibly a mutant at one time) by the name of Harry Potter,” Jean said.


“Well, he was raised by Wade Wilson,” Scott said. Then he laughed. It was always fun to make the blood drain from Val’s face with dastardly news. “But we try to keep him in line.”

“What can he do? Is he a threat?”

The X-Men pondered the possibilities. Beast spoke first. “I would hazard a guess that he could be potentially capable of anything, as we have seen from his magical transformations in recent years. He also has some talent for anticipating events, but only for maximum humorous value. A threat? Well, should his sanity return, (that is assuming he had sanity in the first place) he would certainly be capable of a great many things, great but terrible, should he choose to go down that path, but I have great doubts as to the growth of his sanity, and barring any Bea Arthur related criminal activity, I would have to say no, he is not a threat.”

Val had a rather Deer-In-Headlights look.

“Riiiight,” she said slowly. “Where is this ‘Hairy Porter’ anyway?”

“Oh, he ran away just before your sentinels showed up,” Jean said.

Harry, as ambitious as he always was, had managed to escape much farther than most people thought he had. A magic motorcycle was wonderful in that respect. Harry never really knew where it had come from, but it showed up shortly after he turned eleven. After it spent four months against a tree (and was miraculously not stolen) Harry had called dibs. It was a flying motorcycle and someone named Hagrid had written his name on it.

Now, it should be noticed that Harry was not yet 16, he did not even have a driver’s permit, much less a pilots license, and he quickly noticed that the world looks much different when seen from above. He was helplessly lost. So he went higher (almost to the point where he was having trouble breathing) took a bearing on the Empire State Building, and hit the throttle full open.

Harry lost control.

He was still on the bike. It was still moving. It was still headed in the general direction of New York City, but was not longer under his command. Harry was streaming out behind it like a banner on a beach plane.

It was pretty awesome.

To be precise, it was awesome until he hit the Sentry in the back of the head. Then he was less flying out of control and more falling to his death. The Sentry, having been running from the Void, never even noticed as he flew away.

“This was so much cooler in my head,” Harry said as he plummeted downwards, the streets of New York City growing ever closer. “I know! I’ll think Happy Thoughts until I turn into an Allosaurus.”

Unfortunately Allosauruses can’t withstand that kind of impact better than 14 year old boys. Luckily for Harry, there was an Iron Man flying below him. This lessened the impact, sending Tony Stark careening into the air at an oblique angle as Harry, his momentum momentarily slowed, continued to fall. Tony Stark, still spinning out of control, crashed into the Fantasticar as it was taking off from the Baxter Building.

Spiderman saw the familiar Allosaurus falling from the sky and went web-swinging along until he was able to make a nice big trampoline of webbing across two streets. Harry, now blissfully unconscious, bounced off the webbing, and fell through a building. Unfortunately for Harry, this happened to be a recently opened HYDRA base where they were building clones of some Avengers and brainwashing them into their neo-Nazi mentality.

Harry, still unconscious, landed tail first onto Captain HYDRA, squashing him flat. Then he rolled over onto Iron-HYDRA-Man, crunching his armor and spine. Thor, Agent of HYDRA, was about to smash the magical dinosaur with his big nasty hammer, but the rest of the roof collapsed on his head. He fell over onto HYDRA’s Ant-Man, squashing him like a bug.

Spider-Man arrived just in time to see Hawkeye-HYDRA about to shoot the Allosaurus base-invader. He webbed the bow, but jumped out of the way as his spider-sense informed him of danger. Harry, still in dinosaur form, rolled over Hawkeye-HYDRA, making him pretty much indiscernible from Captain HYDRA, or Ant-Man HYDRA.

Thor, Agent of HYDRA got back up, but Spidy kicked him in the face.

Harry started to snore big dinosaur snores.

Bob, Agent of HYDRA, cowered in the corner.

“I only joined this for the dental plan!” he said. “Oh, and Hail HYDRA!”
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