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Thinking in Little Green Boxes

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Summary: The ever friendly and cuddly Merc with a Mouth discovers a baby named Harry on his doorstep.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Comedy
Marvel Universe > X-Men > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories
DireSquirrelFR154985,87746596454,31615 Dec 093 Sep 12No

Puny Humans!

DEADPOOL'S NOTE: Wow, we've been dead for a month! Good think I self published "Stupid Author #1." Now that he's a comic book, that means he won't die permanently. Well, Marvel will pretend, but those guys will just forget this death and write it in later. Or make it a crossover event. Whatever.

More importantly, ME! Wait! What do you mean I don't appear in this chapter? Come here while I shove this chimichanga down your throat.



-==-



“AWAKEN!” bellowed the command inside his head. Harry awoke to find himself in a room that looked like nothing. He could sense the boarders, but there was nothing except for him.

“Whoa,” he said, glancing around. “Looks like I’ve been summoned by some powerful being from another dimension. Are you the Beyonder?”

“NO,” commanded the voice.

“Are you sure?” Harry asked. “This is really the Beyonder’s shtick. I mean, whoa, holy Secret Wars Batman, and all that. And the scenery that’s starting to show up is very Jack Kirby. I bet you’re the Beyonder and just pretending not to be.”

“I’M NOT THE BLOODY BEYONDER!”

“You’re not? Oh, then you must be Eternity.”

“NO!”

"The Watcher?"

"NO!"

"Adam Warlock?"

"NO!"

"Annhilus?"

"NO!"

"Blastar?"

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS."

"The Mailman for the Fantastic Four?"

"YES."

"Really?"

"I WAS BEING SARCASTIC."

"The Gardener?"

"WHO?"

"How about Master Mold?"

"NOPE."

"The Kree Tuber-Mind?"

"THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST!"

"Ooo! You're Gramma Jean and the Phoenix Force!"

"WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?"

“Oh,” Harry said, a little dejected. “Then who the f&*k are you?”

“I’D REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULDN’T USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE.”

“I thought it was appropriate,” the young wizard countered. “So, near death? Chosen Champion? Waffle Knight? Hammer Film marathon competition?”

“UH, WHAT?”

“That’s what I want to know!”

“YES, RIGHT,” said the voice. “HARRY POTTER! YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN!”

“Dude, so not a Slayer,” Harry said. “Not even a chick, unless something has changed recently that I didn’t know about.” He took a peek down his pants just to be sure. “Nope, still not a chick, but I have been hit by the puberty truck.”

“NOT THAT KIND OF CHOSEN,” said the voice.

“Well, what was I supposed to think? We’re on a Buffy fanfiction site! it was a reasonable assumption,” Harry said.

“UH, NEVER MIND THAT,” the voice said dismissively. “YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN. SOON, YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR GREATEST CHALLENGE. WE WILL BE WATCHING. AND REMEMBER, YOU NEED NOT FACE THIS CHALLENGE ALONE.”

“Cool,” Harry said. “Will there be cookies?”

“ONLY IF YOU ASK NICELY.”



In the New Avenger’s infirmary, Tony Stark looked up confused.

“Why is he asking about cookies?”

Spiderman shrugged. “I don’t know. I didn’t even know little former-mutant wizards in dinosaur form could talk. And how’d you get him in here in the first place?”

Tony Stark, Iron-Man, nodded to the ceiling. “Roof has unstable molecules and really good hydraulics.”

“Nice to know,” Spidey said.

“Told Cyke and Jean,” Logan said as he walked in. “They wanted to come down, but idiot government Sentinels are ‘protecting’ the remaining mutants back at Chuck’s and they aren’t allowed to come pick him up.”

“Thank you Wanda once again for making all our lives more sucky,” Luke Cage grumbled. “Kid alright?”

“Still a dinosaur,” Spidey said.

“Happen often?”

“Two out of three times we’ve met,” replied the Amazing Spider-Man.

“Well how ‘bout that,” Luke mused.

“What’s the problem with the Sentinels?” Tony asked, changing the topic.

“Other than they want to kill all mutants and occasionally all humans too, I don’t know,” Logan said as he pried the bottle cap off his beer with a claw. “From what I heard they were fighting giant mutant turtles.”





“Riiiiiiight….” Spidey said with suspicious eyes. “So, how’d he fall out of the sky?”

“We don’t know,” Iron-Man said. “It must have been a spell or something.”

Spidey looked to Logan. “Isn’t it great when dealing with an exact science?”

Logan smirked. “At least you didn’t have to corral him in the Savage Land.”

Spidey winced. “The New York tour was quite enough.”

“Why’s the kid here?” Luke Cage asked. “Shouldn’t we ship him back to you guys?”

“Needs to transform back first,” Logan said before taking a swig of his beer.

It was about then that Harry woke up.

“I’ve got an idea!” he yelled before teleporting away still in Allosaurus form.

“I’ve got a baaaad feeling about this,” said every Avenger ever.



Harry showed back up in Diagon Alley.

“Wow,” Harry said to all the screaming wizards and witches as they ran away from the dinosaur that appeared in their midst. “You guys all shrunk!”

They screamed louder and ran away. A large number of the people grabbed random objects and teleported away.

“Where’s everybody go?” Harry asked in his dinosaur bellow. “I was going to make espresso!”



Eventually Harry did discover where most of them went. It happened to be the World Quidditch Cup with some country against some other country. Harry didn’t really care. Quidditch was a stupid sport.

“That was a statement of fact, readers,” Harry told you all. Harry nodded as if to emphasize the statement and then teleported to the match’s location.

He happened to teleport directly into pitch. Annoyed by the sudden noisy creatures flying around his head, Harry bit the brush end of a broom, sending the rider flying off in an odd vector. He roared in victory. A random wizard cast a spell at his bum. It hurt quite a bit. Harry charged forward, smashing through the bleachers, sending spectators flying into piles and trampling each other to get away. Harry kept running.

Somewhere along the line he got some guy in a black robe and a mask stuck to the bottom of his foot. He always hated that. Ends up robe-mask guys are harder than bubblegum to remove from the soles of dinosaur feet. The lack of arms that reach didn’t help either.

He roared in protest again, rampaging through the tent city in an attempt to remove the offending corpse from his foot. Soon enough, Harry had escaped into the forest, but the robe-mask guy was still stuck to his foot. At some point he found a friendly giant to peel it off for a quick snack. Harry nodded in thanks, and started running back towards civilization.

A whole team of aurors were waiting for him.

“What is it?” one of them asked.

“I think it’s a mutant dragon,” said one pureblooded wizard.

“DINOSAURS ARE NOT DRAGONS!” Harry bellowed, sending feted breath at the wizarding police. “PUNY HUMANS MAKE DINO MAD!”

And then Harry kicked their asses before running off once more.

Tonks, having seen the entire conflict, was more concerned about one particular thing.

“Where’d he get purple trousers that size?”



Harry transformed back into his human persona and took a nap on the steppes of Hogwarts (they were really steps, not steppes, but Harry wanted it to sound more dramatic).

“Oh, goody!” Dumbledore said as he found the sleeping youth. “Harry’s back. I always knew you’d return!”

“Oh dear,” bemoaned the Transmutation professor. And the previous year was so peaceful, too.

“Well, I’ll be,” said the groundskeeper and Care of Magical Creatures professor. “It’s Harry Potter. Fine set of purple trousers there. Wish I could get a set my size.”

“Did someone say that accursed boy’s name?” asked a sneering Snape. The potions professor glanced down at the napping boy. “Oh…And once again disappointment reigns.”
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